I just want my old happy life back but i guess I need to understand thats not going to happen. Im not scared about being alone or any material things. Im scared to lose him. We were 16 when we got together. We have been together 16 years. Married 10. We have no kids and don't want any. We are best friends and share so much history and interests. I cant imagine life without him.
I'm so sorry you're back here with another DDay.
Yes, unfortunately, some choices last forever. Your husband made choices that cannot be un-chosen. This, what has happened to you, is now with you. Forever.
Now you have choices to make. No one can really tell you what to do, but we can make it clearer for you. You have three options to choose from:
1) You can reconcile with your husband. This will take incredible work from both of you for a long, long time, and it may not work out in the end. You cannot do it by yourself. You also will never have what you once had; part of reconciliation is building a brand-new relationship, one with infidelity as part of its foundation and something that will have to be dealt with on some level forever with this person. There is no going back.
2) You can divorce your husband. This you can do all by yourself and, in a marriage with no kids, can often be accomplished very quickly. I realize it's unthinkable, unwanted, and scary, but then again, #1 may be, too.
3) You can continue as you have for the past year or so. I hope this is the scariest option of all.
He is super remorseful
I really feel in my heart he wouldn't do this again.
What makes you say so? What is he doing and saying? Is it somehow different now than with his other DDays?
As a guy who's been around here a while, I'm skeptical of this. He was chatting with her up until a few weeks ago, and only stopped(?) because you caught him.
I just wish i knew what to do....
I know. It is so hard. Be kind to yourself and take the time you need to really think.
One good way to really consider reconciliation is to map out all your absolute *needs* in order to even really attempt it. Seriously, make a list on paper of 10 or 20 or 50 things you need from your husband that, if he doesn't live up to them, would cause you to proceed toward D no matter what even if it makes you really sad and you don't want it.
For example: would you be willing to proceed toward D if you found out, say, next week that he was once again texting with the Chicago girl? If so, then "no more texting with Chicago girl" can be one of your needs.
And so on. You make a list that works for you. Have you done an exercise like this already?
It's important to have your boundaries clarified for yourself (and eventually with a reconciliation-worthy partner if you decide to go that route) so that you can make intellectual decisions if and when they are crossed. Otherwise, you (and I, and all BS) tend to get lost in the absurd emotional hurricane of infidelity when it hits us again and again and again, and then you make bad decisions that keep you stuck indefinitely.
Of course, the biggest concern of all is that your boundaries aren't really boundaries. That if you tried R again and he texted her again, you'd get very mad and sad but nothing would really change. That leads to all sorts of bad outcomes and will kill you slowly in the end.
[This message edited by Okokok at 1:36 PM, August 12th (Wednesday)]