SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Bigger posted 8/12/2020 06:24 AM

I am a firm believer that any marriage can reconcile from most dire situations. That’s not the same as saying that all marriages should be reconciled, but IMHO if both you and he have the right mindset and are both willing and capable of doing the work then yes – you can reconcile this marriage.
But I would want it to be on the correct basis: That you are both in this marriage for the same main reason(s) and that it’s not finances or with semi-commitment. One way to test that is to take a serious issue and deal with it – sort of remove it from the equation.

For me that serious issue that screams at me are the finances.

Keep in mind this varies state by state and country by country but the general rule is this when you marry:
>Certain assets remain individual assets (generally larger assets like real-estate or inheritance remain separate property).
>Certain assets become marital property (generally all lose cash, most savings, even bonds and stock).

This is very simplified and there are no doubt variances, limits and all sorts of things that apply. But it’s the broad-stroke situation. In some states your fully-paid house became half his the second the ink dried on the wedding certificate. In some it remains yours. In some he might have a claim to it that builds up over an extended period (longer marriage = bigger claim).

When you say you won’t get “any more financially entangled” I hope you have a clear picture of how entangled you are right now. I would want that picture crystal-clear before deciding my next step or committing to either D or R.
If you were to file today – how entangled are you already?
What could he demand? Half your savings? What about the nest-egg from your deceased husband and that marriage? Can he go at that?

What can be done to separate the assets brought into the marriage completely?
If the prenup isn’t up to standard, then why? Who did it? What can be done?
Does a post up offer any protection?
Can you move assets from one non-protected fund to another that is protected?

I would feel a lot more comfortable if you want to R if you have your finances out of the equation, or at least clearly outlined and marked in a theoretical fence. I think it might also show his real interest and commitment.

Anna123 posted 8/12/2020 09:42 AM

^^^^^^^^^^^^ Ditto ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Glad you aren't entangling further with buying rentals for him. Thank God he made you suspicious before considering this.

[This message edited by Anna123 at 9:44 AM, August 12th (Wednesday)]

Thisisthesea posted 8/12/2020 18:14 PM

Last night I sat H down and told him...again..how I was feeling; the anxiety, fear and panic. I told him that I need 100% transparency, including access to his phone, tablet, laptop,etc. The first thing he said was "do you just want me to leave?"

He railed about his privacy, then threw his phone down on the sofa and said..you can look but I won't talk to you for the rest of the night. Then walked away and started packing a bag.

I wanted him to do this without anger...but not gonna happen now. When he came back, I said ...what's the code I'm going to look. He said you can't hold anything against me that was before we got together...I said okay.

I looked at his photos first. When I got to some older photos he seemed to get anxious. Then I came across some I'd seen before but didn't know who the person in the photos was.

He had told me that he dated a porn star for a brief time several years ago and he admitted these photos were of her. They were still shots from a porn film..very explicit..and there were lots of them.

He said...I tried to delete them but they keep downloading from the cloud...so I said I can take care of that and started deleting the photos. He grabbed the phone and said that I was erasing his memories. He said I overstepped like he knew I would and he just walked out the door.

He called later from his RV, where he stays when we're apart, and kept saying the same old thing all over again. Rationalizing his actions: a Nuru massage is just a sensual massage, it's not about penetration (his words)...as if that makes it okay. Defending the woman who sent him the photo, saying I'm being unreasonable etc.

I almost feel past caring at this point. I'm a bit numb.

The postnup was suggested by the attorney I spoke to...and it's a good idea...if he ever becomes truly remorseful, but H is the most stubborn person I've ever known and I won't hold my breath.

You've all given me food for thought. I need to get all my wayward ducks in a row and try to rebuild my life from this massive cluster f**k.

ChamomileTea posted 8/12/2020 20:06 PM

I agree with Bigger, before you should even consider any attempt at R, you should lock down your finances. That hissy fit he threw about you looking at his phone after you've already caught him in some shit is really concerning. Not to mention that he's still defending what he did. If it was so innocent, why did he lie to you about where he was going? Why was it in a motel? And how are supposed to trust his word that he didn't go in? Has he offered you a look at his credit card statements or bank accounts? These kind of "massages" aren't free. That said, my WH used to cash over on his shopping everywhere he went, then toss the receipt so I wouldn't know he had cash. Suddenly, after 30 years of marriage, he wanted to pick up the groceries.

I also think you would be wise to put a freeze on your credit and see an attorney. If you feel like seeing an attorney is a bigger step than you want to take, see a financial planner. There's a bit of a niche market in FP's who specialize in divorce planning.

Anna123 posted 8/13/2020 09:43 AM

There's a bit of a niche market in FP's who specialize in divorce planning.

That's cool, I didn't know that!

OP: SO sorry that was the response you got. I remember hoping for one response, and getting similar results as yours instead and the disappointment and heart ache that resulted. Uggh. Hang in there. I like the idea of a credit freeze also, just to be safe in addition to the other ideas.

Take care.

gmc94 posted 8/13/2020 10:05 AM

I haven't read this whole thread

The counselor suggested I try to trust and not obsess about what he's doing all day

Have your husband take a polygraph - also immediately.

Get an STD check - immediately

And see an attorney.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:05 AM, August 13th, 2020 (Thursday)]

survrus posted 8/13/2020 10:16 AM

ThisIs,

One problem with a guy like your H is that his reaction to having his lies discovered is to make more and more lies.

It will never end and it's a puzzle which cannot be solved and a waste of your rational brain to try and solve it. People like him should be writing fantasy novels after being castrated.

thebunni2020 posted 8/13/2020 13:13 PM

This guy sounds just like my STBXWH. Narcissist with a plan. you had what he needed so he is taking it. I doubt you get much in return, am I right?
I fell hard and fast just like you did 10 years ago. I was a sucker. I was in a vulnerable situation and he played upon that. I'm guessing you were also still in a vulnerable position when you met this guy?
He probably told you everything you needed to hear at the time, then once you were married, he began to "do his own thing like going to his camper to "be alone"...
I ignored ALL the red flags because I was in loooove. I ignored ALL the warnings from several friends (people we both know from high school).. I ignored my gut when the first few signs appeared. I have only posted once but this whole situation is like looking in a mirror. I agree with Survrus -everything he said.
Get your stuff separated (without telling him- and kick him to the curb.
He's only there to use you (your money, your resources), and to let you do his laundry... Don't wait 10 years like me. Your guy is not going to change. He might get better at hiding and lying. He will begin to sneak with your money. Mine took my check book and wrote checks, signed my name. Don't underestimate. He isn't remorseful that the relationship is on the rocks or that he hurt you, he's ticked that he got caught. TALK TO THE EX WIVES. Thats what helped me decide divorce over waiting for him to decide if i was good enough...The Ex will have the real truth. Good luck. I hope you are ok. Keep your chin up. I read a lot on this site just to help me feel sane. there is a lot of good advice here on SI.

Ichthus posted 8/13/2020 20:45 PM

He grabbed the phone and said that I was erasing his memories

ROFLOL............................ LOL
OMG I cant stop LOL
This is just way too funny.

LOL

LOL

Thisisthesea posted 8/13/2020 20:47 PM

This forum has really empowered me.

My mind has been all over the place since the beginning...angry, sad, panicked, hopeless...in an endless succession.

I laid it all out for H...I need to see everything whenever I want...and if he wants us to stay together then resistance is futile.

He's seems to be complying for now. I need to hold him to the line as someone here suggested.

I am also making some changes to protect myself financially.

And thankfully, no STDs.

I feel a bit better. More resolved.

[This message edited by Thisisthesea at 8:53 PM, August 13th (Thursday)]

Ichthus posted 8/13/2020 20:47 PM

He said I overstepped like he knew I would and he just walked out the door.

He knew it, BECAUSE ANY NORMAL SPOUSE WOULD REACT THIS WAY!!!

MORE LOL!!!!

Ichthus posted 8/13/2020 20:50 PM

I laid it all out for H...I need to see everything whenever I want...and if he wants us to stay together then resistance is futile.

He's seems to be complying for now.

His next move will be to learn how to hide his actions. Burner phones, using cash, learning how to cover his tracks.

This guy is not worth it. Start planning your exit strategy because he will not change.

Ichthus posted 8/13/2020 20:52 PM

Nuru massage is just a sensual massage, it's not about penetration (his words)

OMG this guys word are just so comedic.

Translation: its not about the fucking, although we did fuck.

LOL, plz keep sharing. Your spouse is making my day with his loopy brain.

[This message edited by Ichthus at 8:53 PM, August 13th (Thursday)]

Thisisthesea posted 8/13/2020 22:25 PM

Ichthus:

Here's another one:

We're on the phone and I asked him to delete the porn photos and he said...if I delete them then you'll probably divorce me anyway and then I'll have nothing!

He has a unique way of thinking for certain 🤔

nekonamida posted 8/13/2020 22:32 PM

No, he doesn't have a unique way of thinking. That line is straight out of the Cheater's Handbook. WSes say all the time they can't give something up without the guarantee of R. While he believes he can bargain with you, R isn't going to happen because R is not a negotiation. It is a gift and a chance for him to prove to you that he's worth another chance. So far all he is proving is that he's still following the Cheater's Handbook and he is not a safe spouse.

The1stWife posted 8/14/2020 01:38 AM

I would strongly urge you to demand a post nup to consider reconciliation.

He gives up any and all claim to all your assets. Period.

If he refuses to sign then you need to make sure your assets are not in his name. They are not joint marital assets. Ever.

If he is the beneficiary in your will then you need to make some changes there too. Leave him $5 so he cannot contest it.

Lock down all bank accounts so he has no access. Keep only a few $ in a joint account.

If he starts going crazy then this is a huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Demand he go to counseling. If he refuses more 🚩🚩🚩🚩

And if you ever want to rest the waters - randomly ask him to borrow his phone. Claim yours is out of power. If he refuses to give you his phone to even make a call you will know he is still cheating.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:38 AM, August 14th (Friday)]

ICaughtThem posted 8/14/2020 21:06 PM

Privacy is for when you're in the bathroom. What your WH wants is secrecy. Big difference.

Waywards will say some of the stupidest lines you can imagine. My FWW wouldn't give me her phone on D Day because she didn't want to "violate her AP's trust".

Ichthus posted 8/15/2020 12:02 PM

We're on the phone and I asked him to delete the porn photos and he said...if I delete them then you'll probably divorce me anyway and then I'll have nothing!

ROFLOL.... has he never heard of free porn?

I am so sorry, but your WH sounds like he is never going to get it. You need to work towards divorce.

Thisisthesea posted 8/15/2020 15:20 PM

The porn photos were of an old girlfriend who did a porn movie...these were still shots from that movie.

I guess he likes to reminisce about fucking a porn star.

Hurtmyheart posted 8/15/2020 15:39 PM

Ichthus-you are so funny! But it's the truth. Her WH husband IS ridiculous.

I know some are suggesting the possibility of R. NO! NO! NO! You are only setting yourself up for a future of his lying, denying and severe emotions pain and emotional abuse. It is so obvious about who he is. And his ridiculous manipulative temper tantrum behavior about throwing his phone? He sounds like a big baby to me with some serious mental health issues.

I noticed that you didn't say when your first husband passed away. Or whether you grieved long enough. Sounds like your first husband was a dream and you got caught off guard by this loser because you were in a very vulnerable state of mind. I should know because my WH passed 5 months ago and I know how it feels to lose someone so close.

My WH was similar to your current husband in a way. Only my WH enjoyed looking at, flirting with and talking to pretty, young women. In his sick thinking he felt it was okay to do this and then lie and deny (gaslighting), like your WH is doing. It was the most painful and confusing experience of my life but now because of death, I don't have to deal with it anymore. I also believe he never would have put the work in to be a better man. So sad, I may have been saved from this torturous emotional abuse.

This is how I feel about your WH, he's not going to change. He already proved this two times before with his two previous marriages. You make number three.

Your WH is not worth the effort unless you want to go through several years (or maybe for life) dealing with this toxic behavior. I'm telling you from experience, if you plan on staying, prepare yourself for the most horrible emotional roller coaster ride of your life. You are in the beginning stages.

I'm sorry for the loss of your first husband. I'm sorry that you fell into the hands of what I'm going to call a terrible poor excuse of a human being.

Yes and please get your finances in order quickly before he wipes you out.

Stick around on SI, you will learn so much.