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New trial date has been set

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tushnurse posted 10/15/2020 08:40 AM

I am having some physical symptoms (severe leg/joint pain) that may or may not be connected to my mental health... and the physical symptoms are definitely hurting my mental health.

If this keeps up do NOT ignore it. You have been under tremendous stress the last few years. It does shit to your immune system. Ask me how I know. If things don't improve after next week call your Dr. In the meantime make sure you are walking daily, soaking in the tub w/ epsom salts, and drinking plenty of water (not soda, not diet soda, not gatorade, but real plain water).

GO TEAM BARCHER!!!!

barcher144 posted 10/15/2020 12:01 PM

If this keeps up do NOT ignore it. You have been under tremendous stress the last few years. It does shit to your immune system. Ask me how I know. If things don't improve after next week call your Dr. In the meantime make sure you are walking daily, soaking in the tub w/ epsom salts, and drinking plenty of water (not soda, not diet soda, not gatorade, but real plain water).

Who do you think you are? A nurse?

Yep, way ahead of you there... I have gotten myself into a bad cycle where I have not been getting out much, basically just working and not much else. My eating has been about normal, which wasn't great to begin with.

So, I have decided to try getting about 3 miles of walking in each day. I'd prefer to go running, but it seems like that ship has sailed (my joints are just too old). I also read something yesterday to help your diet... stop drinking everything but water. I'm pretty close to that anyway (I mostly drink either plain water or carbonated water).

As far as the leg pain, I think that it's either related to my shoes or to a new chair that I have been using. And, of course, getting older. I don't want to admit it, but I am not as young as I used to be...

I might try a bath with Epsom salts. I'm not a big bath guy, but I'm willing to try something new. My sleep has been off lately, which is also part of the problem...

ZenMumWalking posted 10/15/2020 12:10 PM

I am not as young as I used to be...

Better than the alternative!!

barcher144 posted 10/20/2020 11:33 AM

Better than the alternative!!

I know that you are making a joke and you are right, of course.

The part that I am talking about is the fact that I am accepting that I am experiencing limitations that come with the aging process... rather than ignoring them. Meaning, I am listening to my therapist...

barcher144 posted 10/20/2020 11:36 AM

Mini-update

I had my pre-second-day-of-trial meeting with my attorney yesterday. The topics that we discussed:

1. We are not going to try and refute all of the BS that STBXWW spewed on the stand. Instead, we are going to give a few examples of the fact that I am "damned if I do, damned if I don't" with most of her accusations.

2. My demeanor is to be calm and ready to compromise, with perhaps a hint of sad.

3. The legitimate issue as far as the case is going to be my salary. My co-worker will testify first. Our approach will be to keep the testimony regarding my salary as simple as possible.

ZenMumWalking posted 10/22/2020 11:32 AM

GOOD LUCK today barcher!!!!

little turtle posted 10/22/2020 11:54 AM

Thinking of you!

tushnurse posted 10/22/2020 13:25 PM

Ditto. Thinking about you. Sending positive vibes and mojo your way.

Triples posted 10/22/2020 14:27 PM

Good Luck!

Shockedmom posted 10/22/2020 14:51 PM

Good luck!

homewrecked2011 posted 10/22/2020 19:30 PM

About your joint pain: I’m 60, just bought a $150.00 pair of shoes for walking at a running store. WOW!!!! No pain at all anymore!!!My sons have started running (ages 20 and 24), they, bought great shoes from the running store. They were surprised that on their first run, all joint pain was gone.

The running shoe store employee watches you walk or run on an outside track(I’m sure they are all like this), then suggests the shoes for you. They also have a 2 week return policy.

barcher144 posted 10/22/2020 19:56 PM

Thank you everyone!

Today, trial went about as well as I could have possibly hoped.

The first witness was the Human Resources person from my job, continuing her testimony from last month. Opposing counsel was alleging that I was hiding salary or deferring salary or something nefarious. My HR person provided the information that she was requested to provide. STBXW's attorney was pretty combative with this witness, which mostly made her look stupid.

The highlight of this first witness was when STBXW's attorney asked if she and I had talked since the previous trial day. She said "not very much" or something similar. Opposing counsel then pushed and made her explain that in more detail, which the more detailed response was "he just kept apologizing for getting me into this mess" and "no, we did not discuss the case at all."

After that, I got on the stand. Direct examination went as expected. We made all of the points that we wanted to make. I think that I appeared honest, calm, and cooperative.

About 15 minutes before the lunch break, cross examination began. STBXW's attorney went at me pretty hard but I feel like I did well. She tried to claim that I had said certain things during direct examination, but I disagreed and I flat-out told her she was twisting my words. She was not pleased; my attorney described her behavior as "unprofessional."

Then lunch break happened and I got a few pieces of advice from my attorney, but mostly she said that I was doing well. Our plan was for me to be cooperative but hold my ground. I was worried that I was being combative, but my attorney instructed me to keep doing what I was doing.

For whatever reason, I really got myself into the zone after lunch. STBXW's attorney kept asking me questions and I kept calm, gave ground where she had a valid point (for example, my clothing budget was too high and I admitted that) but mostly I skewered most of her theories. Examples: Do you really think that STBXW will be able to refinance her house as you suggest, given her limited income? Yes, she has almost $200,000 worth of equity, so yes she will be able to refinance. What about her $35,000 in credit card debt? Sure, she can roll that into her loan too. Another one was I said that STBXW's grocery budget was inflated based on receipts that I had from April to June 2019. Her attorney's question was "you had 50% custody but not now... so if you double the amount that you say... you get her grocery bill." I responded that STBXW's custody only increased from 50% to 70% and so more correctly, you should multiply my amount by 7/5 which means that her grocery bill was inflated by $250 per month or so.

Towards the end, I think that STBXW's attorney figured out that cross examination was only helping me, so she stopped. She kept trying to catch me in some sort of inconsistency with my testimony, but I kept bringing her crazy ass theories back to the evidence.

The main issue was that my salary was much lower in 2020 than in previous years and she wanted an explanation. The explanation, of course, was pretty obvious. I suffered from depression throughout most of 2017 and 2018 and therefore I did not get as many projects. My projects are typically ~3 years in duration, so no new work from 2017 means that less salary in 2020. She started to ask me about my history of mental health and I specifically said that it began in August 2016, which was an oddly specific answer and she caught the hint that her next question would include me saying that STBXW had admitted to a decade-long extramarital affair. STBXW's attorney smartly did not ask a follow-up question to that.

When I was done, my attorney immediately wrote "great job!" but perhaps she would have said that if I did poorly?

After it was all over, my attorney basically said that she had no idea how we could "lose". She said that usually has a feel for where a judge will rule because family law is not rocket science and she just can't see how the judge will rule in a way that will make me unhappy. In her opinion, their case was pretty pathetic and lacking any rationale beyond "the temporary agreement works great for us!!!" Our case was based on the actual laws and included strong evidence to back it up.

I tend to be optimistic, but I also think that the judge dropped several hints that his ruling will go my way (note: "my way" is a pretty broad swath of outcomes... the main hope is that my monthly payment of $3250 per month is dropped to $1700-$1900 per month). The biggest hint, of course, is that he allowed STBXW's attorney to subpoena my HR person in the middle of the trial (i.e., this should not have been allowed... the discovery period ended a week before trial).

In addition, he emphasized early in the day that if we did not finish today that we would not have another trial date this calendar year. This is important because delaying the decision only benefits STBXW because the temporary ruling favors her so strongly. The judge also seemed to have forgotten all of STBXW's testimony disparaging me and my parenting. Basically, he was not keen about our response testimony (during direct examination) in which we described how I was an active father (historically) and that STBXW is actively preventing me from participating in the kids' medical care. This is relevant because her argument is that she is so busy being a great mom that she couldn't possibly work full time -- I think that he forgot that because he didn't believe it (or it isn't supported by the law).

Anyway, I am confident... but I won't know for quite some time. The lawyers have to submit some sort of written document before Thanksgiving and then the judge will rule after that.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 8:05 PM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

barcher144 posted 10/22/2020 20:05 PM

About your joint pain: I’m 60, just bought a $150.00 pair of shoes for walking at a running store. WOW!!!! No pain at all anymore!!!

This is my thought too. I can't really afford shoes that expensive right now, though.

ZenMumWalking posted 10/22/2020 22:58 PM

Glad to hear that it went so well, keeping my fingers crossed for a good result for you!!

Team barcher!!

homewrecked2011 posted 10/22/2020 23:25 PM

Your day sounds like it went well. Especially staying calm and responding in logical ways to her attorney. Will keep my fingers crossed for you!

On my post about the running shoes— I hope I didn’t sound like I was bragging on the price of the shoes—- I usually buy any shoe, and thought people were crazy to buy running shoes....10 years out from the D and I finally could try out the expensive shoe from the running store. Was shocked the shoes really work-in my case, anyway. Just trying to help out.
My Dad is 91, was always a runner, has no issues with his legs, back, etc. he recently told me that he took his lunch to work all those years we were growing up so he could buy good running shoes. 😳 I was shocked! I never knew this. This was one thing that prompted me to even walk into the store.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:35 PM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

nomudnolotus posted 10/23/2020 00:30 AM

Hey Barcher,

I wanted to comment on the thought that your daughter might have Asperger's. My daughter has Asperger's (prefers to be called an autistic person). She is an adult (23) and was diagnosed late teens. The diagnosis was a tremendous help to both her and the rest of the family.

One thing I will mention, is that she doesn't like when people act like it's a disease or there is something wrong with her. There is nothing wrong with her, it's just part of who she is.

If your daughter is autistic the best thing for her would be to have a diagnosis as quickly as possible.

Catwoman posted 10/23/2020 07:07 AM

This is my thought too. I can't really afford shoes that expensive right now, though.

Do your research--I discovered that ACICS is a great brand for my chronic knee pain. So I bought a pair of last-year's model for less than $65. They're great. Of course, as much as I walk (around 5 miles a day), I go through them quickly, but it has made a huge difference in my pain levels.

I don't think you have to spend $150 to alleviate some of your joint pain. But it does pay to do a little digging. I'm now on my third pair, and will probably have to replace these sometime in December.

Cat

PS: If it is sudden onset and severe, you might want to ensure you haven't done something like tear your meniscus.

tushnurse posted 10/23/2020 08:09 AM

Great News. Glad things went as well as they did.
Now let's get this thing done.

As far as shoes go. Go to real shoe store, I mean like a running store, or even to someplace that has good shoes like Birks, and Evnonics, and even sells those arch supports. Get properly fitted. Most real running stores will properly fit you, and even put you on a treadmill or have you walk the perimeter of the store to be sure that you are getting what you need. This is an investment, and as a nurse can tell you well worth it. After that you will know which shoes you like, and can buy them off of amazon.
Don't know when your Bday is but maybe your GF can gift you this as an early Xmas present. Usually runs around $100-150, unless you go crazy w/ how much you want to spend. I have place here that I don't think is a national chain that will work within budget constraints. They strategically placed across the street from a large medical center.

barcher144 posted 10/23/2020 09:56 AM

On my post about the running shoes— I hope I didn’t sound like I was bragging on the price of the shoes

You didn't at all!

I had literally had the same thought as you (before you had posted) but then I realized that I really cannot justify the cost right now.

Bringing things back to the divorce, I am have been testifying that I am broke... and that isn't bullshit. I make a very nice income, but the amount that I am paying to STBXW each month means that I make $1000-$1500 less than I am spending right now (and it's slow to get rid of various fixed costs). I have been trying to make up that difference as a handyman, but due to trial prep and some recurring mental health issues... I haven't been able to work much as a handyman lately.

For the last year or so, I have been purchasing shoes at Costco whenever I can find them on clearance or on sale (i.e., I am not even paying the regular Costco price!). I think that I ended up with a pair of shoes that caused the problem. I switched to a different pair and my legs have been feeling much better (I'm not 100% yet, but getting there).

I actually like running so, assuming that I get a legitimate ruling from the court (eventually), I will likely splurge for a good pair of running shoes and try that again.

barcher144 posted 10/23/2020 10:04 AM

I wanted to comment on the thought that your daughter might have Asperger's. My daughter has Asperger's (prefers to be called an autistic person). She is an adult (23) and was diagnosed late teens. The diagnosis was a tremendous help to both her and the rest of the family.

One thing I will mention, is that she doesn't like when people act like it's a disease or there is something wrong with her. There is nothing wrong with her, it's just part of who she is.

If your daughter is autistic the best thing for her would be to have a diagnosis as quickly as possible.

I agree with everything that you wrote 100%.

I have no plans to treat her like a diseased or disabled or "special" person. She's wonderful, bright, and very talented; she amazes me every day (sorry to go all "Dad" on you).

Still, she has some issues that keep her from making friends and those same issues have added strain to the relationship between me and her. There are times when the two of us get along with each other quite well, but there are other times when she is angry at me for seemingly no reason at all. Knowing that these latter events are related to Aspergers rather than something that I have done (recall, I am used to getting blamed for everything as a co-dependent formerly married to a narcissist)... is extremely helpful to me. It would also help me ignore STBXW's accusations that I am a terrible father, pointing to DD15's outbursts that actually are related to Aspergers rather than anything that I have done (or neglected to do).

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