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I want revenge on AP

Indianna78 posted 8/6/2020 07:11 AM

My husband had a 2.5 month online emotional affair with his cousins girlfriend that lives overseas that ended about 9 months ago when I found out.

Itís coming up to around a year since the affair started and he is a different person now, he did lie when I found out for about the 1st month lots of trickle truth and anger when talking about it but since January he has been different, attentive, I have access to everything, he will talk and be understanding when Iím having a down day or a trigger.

We never told his cousin and I just found out they have gotten engaged and Iíve seen RED.

Why does she get to move on while destroying my life and causing me so much pain, I just want to totally destroy this happy time for her and tell the cousin or get my husband to tell him or just send some threatening messages to her asking if he knows and should I send him copies of the photos of her or copies of the sexual or lovey romantic text exchanges.

I just really want to hurt her ! I hate feeling like this as Iím not this kind of person but I feel so angry and itís not fair.

If I ask husband to tell cousin I feel it could put back all the great progress we have made and doesnít help us move forward.

She didnít make a commitment to me, he did so she doesnít owe me anything but who does that to another woman with 3 small children. Where is the women support women loyalty !

With the 1 year anniversary of when his affair began and her engagement I just feel so confused at why I have forgiven my husband and I wish I had outed him when I found out but was weak and did the pick me dance.

Iím questioning if Iím with him cause Iím weak and to scared to leave, if I want to leave him so I can punish him for what he did or cause I canít forgive him or am I staying as we do have something special and have 20 fantastic years together with lots of great memories and our relationship feels like itís on the right path and feels better then it has now then in years except for when I have triggers.

Just feeling so confused today

tushnurse posted 8/6/2020 10:35 AM

Were they exclusive during the time she had the A w/ your H?
If so then you need to tell him the cousin, not for revenge but so that he is going into this will full knowledge. Would you have married your H if you knew he was a cheater before hand?

I know for absolute certainty that if my H had cheated prior to us getting together and I found out about it, it would have been a major issue.

survrus posted 8/6/2020 11:23 AM


Please tell the cousin, and send the proof, doing this is a kindness not revenge.

It's a good work on your part that many of us here only wish someone had done for us.

Save the cousin from marrying this woman she will continue to cheat on him.

Dragonfly123 posted 8/6/2020 12:15 PM

Telling another betrayed partner is not revenge. Itís the moral thing to do. If sheís sneaking around online with her boyfriendís own cousin, sheíll cheat again.

Give him his personal agency back. His choice to marry her or not, needs to be done with all the information on the table.

As for the feelings as to AP, I can completely relate. My WHs AP recently got engaged and I want to scream at the universe. It feels totally unjust that she just gets to have her fairy tale, while Iím trying to create this new ordinary world out of the devastation they caused my little family. I canít give advice to calm your rage, Iím still raging a year and a half after it all ended.

But telling the other betrayed partner is not revenge in this case. Itís just the decent thing to do.

StrugglingCJ posted 8/6/2020 13:25 PM

Agreed here.. The cousin should be told the truth about what his fiancee is like.. Might be harsh.. But will possibly save him from ALOT of pain later.. And maybe the cost of divorce etc..
Some may disagree but it IS the moral thing to do.. It isn't revenge.. It is just being honest with the cousin BEFORE he gets married..

Stevesn posted 8/6/2020 14:10 PM

If it were me I would call the cousin and tell him that you should have told him this last year when it happened but now that they are engaged you could not remain silent any more. Then tell him what you know and how you know it.

Let him know you are comfortable that they have not been in contact for 6 months but it did happened and that he should know before he takes vows.

You can tell your H you are going to do this if you want but also tell him this is not a decision he has any input on. If he wants to remain married to you he will not warn the fiancť and NOT break NC by doing so.

Or you can tell your H, after you do it and if he complains tell him his complaints are protecting his affair partner and not you his wife whom he is supposed to be helping heal.

Last thing I would do depending on how the convo with the cousin goes is to require that your H send his cousin a letter of apology. He should have humility in doing so and acknowledge that he does not expect his cousin to accept his apology or talk to him ever again.

Thatís how people trying to work a healthy reconciliation would handle this. If your H wonít follow thru as I described then I would suggest you consider telling him that you donít want to remain married to someone who canít do the real work to heal the relationship.

Unhinged posted 8/6/2020 14:13 PM

I agree that telling the cousin what happened is the right thing to do. As a bonus, of course, you'll be exposing her for who she is (which, I suppose, is a bit of revenge).

Why you're staying in your relationship is something you'll have to work out for yourself. If it's fear or weakness, that's something you'll have to work on. There's really no simple answer. There's no right or wrong. People give their WSs a chance to reconcile for all sorts of reasons (not always good ones, btw).

Indianna78 posted 8/6/2020 17:37 PM

His cousin is an abuse alcoholic who I donít really give a crap about so I donít want to tell him to benefit him, the rest of the family is lovely so I would be more concerned about the fall out between husband and rest of family really.

What I hate is all these emotions this has brought up when I thought I was getting into a good place, Iím not the revenge type but just have this strong need to hurt and destroy any happiness she currently has.

HouseOfPlane posted 8/6/2020 20:05 PM

Every time you see her or talk about her youíll have to lie.

Thatís a lot of lying you are asking yourself to do. Better to just live in the truth, and not have to balance an internal and an external life. Be one person, transparent.

sisoon posted 8/7/2020 15:54 PM

His cousin is still a human being.

OBS learned about my W's A 10 days before I did, and I'm still pissed off at him for not telling me.

I know it's not easy to tell, but it's your best bet.

Consider this: ow gets M to an abusive drunk and seeks solace from ... oh, I don't know ... possibly your H.

Tanner posted 8/7/2020 18:28 PM

I notified OBS recently, it was emotional knowing this poor lady was about to have a Dday. I was right, she had no idea and was very thankful. You could be saving him from a disaster marriage. Do it!!!

thatbpguy posted 8/7/2020 18:31 PM

Please tell the cousin, and send the proof, doing this is a kindness not revenge.
It's a good work on your part that many of us here only wish someone had done for us.

Save the cousin from marrying this woman she will continue to cheat on him.

This.

OrdinaryDude posted 8/8/2020 00:17 AM

DEFINITELY tell his cousin, for YOU!

Itís better to deal with the truth now, than with the lie later.

Marie2792 posted 8/9/2020 22:36 PM

Even if they werenít exclusive as someone asked, you and your H were supposed to be. Tell him. Blow up her world.

keptmyword posted 8/10/2020 02:10 AM

We never told his cousin and I just found out they have gotten engaged

Notifying his cousin of the truth is not revenge.

Itís the right thing to do.

Save his cousin from marrying this adulterous time-bomb.

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