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Robert22205https posted 7/30/2020 09:07 AM

I'm sorry you're here.

Find out the identify of the 'friend'.

In order to preserve her reputation, she may be hoping to divorce you without being labeled an adulterer - and then 'discover' a new life partner.

If he's married, his wife is your best ally.

The best way to break up an affair is by public exposure. Notify his wife.

Get solid proof of their affair and store it in a safe place.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:07 AM, July 30th (Thursday)]

thatbpguy posted 7/30/2020 11:23 AM

I'm sorry you're here.
Find out the identify of the 'friend'.

In order to preserve her reputation, she may be hoping to divorce you without being labeled an adulterer - and then 'discover' a new life partner.

If he's married, his wife is your best ally.

The best way to break up an affair is by public exposure. Notify his wife.

Get solid proof of their affair and store it in a safe place.


And it's important.

Blindsidedva posted 7/30/2020 17:47 PM

Thanks for all the advice Iím going to start on the list of things I need to do tomorrow!

Stinger posted 7/30/2020 19:30 PM

Your kids will be given their choice as to with whom they reside. Tell them of her cheating. It might ensure they choose you.

Thumos posted 7/31/2020 09:15 AM

Separate finances see an attorney and file preemptively on her pronto. Do it fast so you have the advantage and momentum. Divorce takes awhile.

Tell your kids that you and mom are splitting up because she has stepped outside the marriage and has been having an adulterous affair. Don't sugarcoat. They're old enough to know.

Blow it up with your family and hers - don't give her a soft landing on this. Your in-laws should know she blindsided you with this and has been conducting an adulterous affair.

Implement the 180 immediately (you can read about it in the sidebar on SI). This is a hard 180 to limit discussions of any kind with her to the kids and just business.

Do not fall into the trap of doing the pick me dance (in any case this is an exit affair, so the pick me dance is even worse in this scenario).

Start living your life. Start going out with friends. If you wish to date other women, do so (although others may have thoughts on this relative to the legal aspects).

Finally, if you're able to find out who her affair partner is, there's really no reason not to tell the other betrayed spouse (if there is one). You owe your wife nothing and shouldn't have to protect her stupid plan for riding off into the sunset. It's not revenge; it's the ethically right thing to do to let another spouse know.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:18 AM, July 31st (Friday)]

Blindsidedva posted 7/31/2020 19:29 PM

Made it to the dr and got something to help with sleeping maybe Iíll have a clearer head tomorrow! Thanks again for all the advise. It still sucked today but maybe tomorrow will be better.

[This message edited by Blindsidedva at 7:30 PM, July 31st (Friday)]

Blindsidedva posted 8/1/2020 19:25 PM

Evening everyone I donít know how Iím going to get though this it is awful I still canít eat Iíve lost 30 lbs in the last 4weeks Iím exhausted but I canít sleep. And I get so angry every time I see her. Iíve excepted how this is going to end and I think Iím more ok with it everyday but I feel like such a chump because I didnít see it coming. And I really donít want to start over a this point in my life

beenthereinco posted 8/2/2020 10:37 AM

Hi blindsided,
You're going to be okay. You say you've accepted what is happening, that's a good first step, but what you should be doing now is taking charge of what is happening rather than being passive and just letting it happen as your WW wants. You'll feel even better if this starts to happen on YOUR terms and not hers. Start thinking of things that you can do to make that happen like seeing an attorney, filing for Divorce, separating finances, etc.

Also make a list of the things you've always wanted to do and haven't done. These could be small things like listen to a certain type of music that you like but she doesn't, eat a certain food, go to certain types of movies to large things like buy a new truck or go to the Grand Canyon. See that list? Those are things you can do now with no apologies to anyone. Try thinking of this list when you think you don't want to start over and think instead "I am so looking forward to starting over and finding myself again"

nekonamida posted 8/2/2020 15:06 PM

And I really donít want to start over a this point in my life

Don't think of it as starting over because it's not starting over. Someone doesn't just come and take all of your assets and achievements that you've gained between now and when you met your STBX. Assuming your teens/20s was anything like most of us, even half of what you have today is probably still a lot more glamorous than what you had back then. It sounds like you will get to keep the house and you've got your kids, one of them full time even. You've got your job, skills, and the wisdom that comes with age. That is BETTER than starting over. So don't think of this as lost progress because it's not. Think of it as a new chapter in your life in which the last one ended on a cliff hanger. You will keep moving forward despite of what your STBX has done.

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/2/2020 15:30 PM

I just read your thread. I too was married for 20+ years when I found out my ex was cheating. I know your pain, and the shame and embarrassment that you are inappropriately feeling. You have done nothing wrong. SHE is the one that should feel all the shame and embarrassment!!!

Right now, she has been give all of the power. This is to be expected as you are in shock from being blindsided by all of this, while she has been detaching from you for
Months. She is prepared for all of this!

If you want to heal as quickly as possible, YOU NEED TO GRAB CONTROL!!!! Talk to a lawyer and file ASAP! F you know the name of the ďfriendĒ file under adultery and name the pos (piece of $hit)!!! Refuse to do all of this on HER timeline. You will be shocked just how good you will feel when you are in the lawyers office and say, ďok, file immediately.Ē It will feel like 5 tons have fallen off your shoulders!!!!

And as for ďstaring overĒ, you are going back to square one. Donít let the fear of the unknown paralyze you. If you look up threads about Post-divorce fears becoming reality, you will read that they VERY RARELY become reality for the betrayed spouse that files. However, you will be shocked at just how enjoyable the other side actually is!!!! The number of
Beautiful, caring, funny, intelligent, loyal women seeking a good man like you is mind blowing.

So my advice to you is to:
1) talk to lawyer and file ASAP!!!! It is impossible to overstate how incredible this is to your mental health and healing!!!!!!!!

2). Get another appointment with doctor and get checked out for every STD known to man.

3). Tell the world WHY you are getting divorced. Donít let her rewrite the history of your relationship or make you the bad guy.

4). See a therapist, it wonít be long term.

5). Start exercising. This will not only get rid of the frustration and anger, but has obvious health benefits.

6). Reconnect with friends. Donít feel like you are burdening them with your problems. They WANT TO HELP!!!! If roles were reversed, wouldnít you want to be there for them and help them? Of course you would!!

7). Donít feel like you have to rush into dating/finding a new woman for your life. She is out there, and when the time comes, you will find each other

8) Find a new hobby or restart and old one to help you fill all your new free time.

Good luck and stay strong!!!!
Remember youíve done nothing wrong, no matter how she tries to rewrite the history of your marriage!
So, head up! Shoulders back

And be proud that you can definitely look the man in the mirror in the eye!!!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 3:52 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

Blindsidedva posted 8/2/2020 15:49 PM

Thanks again everyone for the advise
I told her this afternoon after she got home from her boyfriends house that she had to leave. So weíll see how that goes. Thanks again everyone

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/2/2020 16:06 PM


Great job!!

Donít allow yourself to be disrespected like that!!!
She is playing with someone else, she can move in with him!!!

File first thing tomorrow

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/3/2020 07:46 AM

How are you doing?

How did you sleep last night after telling her she had to leave??

Hang in there. You are going to be fine. Youíre going to be better than fine the further you get away from it insanity.

Be strong

And if you havenít done so already, the the lawyers moving and have her served ASAP

Buffer posted 8/3/2020 08:04 AM

Brother, go on the offensive, 180 now!
After the advice from your lawyer have her served as soon as you can. You have to be prepared to loose the relationship to have a chance to not start over again.
Good that you have asked her to leave, she doesnít get to have play dates with her AP then to come home to free bed and board.
File, she moves out, she starts to pay child support from the separation date, not the shift next June.
Strength to you and one day at a time

Ginny posted 8/3/2020 08:25 AM

Good job telling her she has to leave!

Start checking things off of your list. You have been given such great advice by so many that only have your best interests at heart. They are truly the best steps to get you out of infidelity!

Good luck!!

Blindsidedva posted 8/3/2020 11:53 AM

Thanks again everyone not really feeling great today didnít sleep last night after I told her to leave she still here she said sheís trying to find some place to go Iím not sure how much longer I can have her here it just sucks. I think I would feel much better if she was gone going to work on that

Westway posted 8/3/2020 12:51 PM

I still canít eat Iíve lost 30 lbs in the last 4weeks Iím exhausted but I canít sleep

Blindsidedva I recommend you buy yourself a good high-protein supplement shake mix. I use products by Organifi, which taste very good and they will provide you with the vitamins and electrolytes you need to stay healthy. But there are other ones out there that are just as good.

You know what helped me sleep? Two tablets of Benadryl taken a couple hours before bed. Benadryl will help you breathe better and it keeps you asleep. It helped me a lot and it is way safer than prescribed narcotics... which is all Lunesta is.

Westway posted 8/3/2020 12:54 PM


[This message edited by Westway at 12:54 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

Blindsidedva posted 8/5/2020 13:16 PM

Well two days after telling her she had to move out sheís found a place to rent until she moves out of state Sheís scared how itís going to effect er relationship with our son ( whoís staying with me) I really think Iíll start to fell better when weíre apart!
Thanks again for listening

Ginny posted 8/5/2020 15:32 PM

Good news. You are moving forward! I think you will feel so much better with her out of the house.

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