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Blindsided

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Blindsidedva posted 7/29/2020 14:08 PM

Hi all DDay one was 3weeks ago DDay 2 was two weeks ago.
My wife of 24 years (been together 34 years ) told me she isnít in love with me anymore and will be moving with her job next June ( the whole family was going) after the shock of that I asked for some time to talk and she told me that she had started a ďfriendshipĒ Iím in shock. In pain weíve got two kids one in collage one still in high school the high schooler is going to stay with me. We all in the same house still.
I know thatís not ideal. Thereís no way this doesnít end in divorce I understand that. Just lost right now and not sure how to move forward. Any advise would be greatly appreciated

Tanner posted 7/29/2020 14:24 PM

Iím so sorry you are here, you are going to be in shock and it can complicate your decision making. Take care of you and the kids first. You need to get lawyer ASAP, you need to find out as much information as you can. She will lie so go find it without her knowledge. Iím so sorry and wish you the best.

beenthereinco posted 7/29/2020 14:30 PM

See an attorney ASAP. If she is dating someone ("friendship") then I'd file right now and since you are staying and your child is staying with you I'd ask for sole use of the house during the separation period and boot her out. You can't do that legally on your own but I'd damn sure get that moving now. Don't wait for her to be out of state before you start any Divorce proceedings because it will just complicate and slow things down. She has made her desire known. I wouldn't argue with her now. Just get moving on protecting yourself, finances, assets, etc. See an attorney ASAP and file. Best thing you can do right now.

Cooley2here posted 7/29/2020 14:41 PM

I am going to be cruel to be kind. Every woman i know who did this left permanently. They married their APs. The marriages, as far as I can tell, were no more romantic than the first. All the bs eventual married again.
Good advice is to get finances covered now. Find a good divorce lawyer.
Take care of yourself. No alcohol in excess. See a dr. if you need help for the next few months. Donít try to tough ot out. It puts too much stress on you.

Blindsidedva posted 7/29/2020 14:58 PM

Thanks so much for the advise. Iím have issues taking care of myself right now canít sleep canít eat.. got a dr. Appt. tomorrow so maybe that will help

Blindsidedva posted 7/29/2020 15:04 PM

Thanks so much for the advise. Iím have issues taking care of myself right now canít sleep canít eat.. got a dr. Appt. tomorrow so maybe that will help

thatbpguy posted 7/29/2020 15:09 PM

I would talk to the kids, without your wife. Are they happy with this betrayal? (I mean, of course not, but start there). Next, ask them how they feel about her staying there until June. If they collectively don't want to live under this situation, then ask her to leave. She can come, once a week, to visit. Maybe for dinner or an evening. But to live like this for nearly a year with her screw toy seems impossible. It hurts you and it hurts the kids.

But always have the kids behind you. Not as a mob mentality, but for the sake of family.

And, do hire a specialist attorney, have hew her served. She needs to know this is serious.

Anna123 posted 7/29/2020 15:15 PM

Yes that is normal, the non eating and sleeping. Just do your best to find a few healthy things you can stomach and get them down with a lot of water. Remember, this IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You may run things over in your mind but a spouse that has a new "friendship" and is moving has betrayed you, your children, and your marriage. She's been out the door for awhile so don't let any recent reactions to her make you feel lacking in any way.

I agree with move fast in this situation before she leaves the state! These can take months to get through. It's so important to legally separate from a person that is willing to do this to her family. If she has an epiphany after divorce, so be it, at least you will be protected.

Take care of yourself.

Westway posted 7/29/2020 15:30 PM

Don't expect any empathy from her. Give her what she wants but YOU drive the bus. See three lawyers and hire the one you think will best represent you. Separate finances from her now. Take out half your joint savings NOW. Shut down all joint credit cards NOW.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/29/2020 15:34 PM

Is your STBXWW staying in another room at least?

I expect that you are probably still in shock trying to figure out what is going on.

Do yourself a favor and minimize contact with her. Don't talk to her. Give yourself some distance, it will help you a lot.

Also, don't be afraid to be angry. When I was in your shoes, I dealt with a lot of fear and sadness and hid the anger. If your wife is having an A (most likely) you have every right to be angry about it.

Ginny posted 7/29/2020 15:49 PM

You have found the best group possible to help you. This site is full of people that have walked in the same shoes.

1. Make sure your doctor runs a full STD panel. Iím so sorry you are in this situation, but your doctor sees it regularly, so donít feel bad about sharing what has happened.

2. Drink plenty of water. No alcohol right now. It makes things infinitely worse.

3. If you canít eat, try protein shakes, protein bars, etc to keep getting your nutritional needs.

4. Get exercise. Walk, ride your bike, etc, . It helps your mind and body.

5. Make appointments with lawyers so you can PROTECT yourself. Your wife doesnít get to call all of the shots. YOU have rights and the right lawyer is your best advocate!

6. Find your tribe in real life, too. Donít hide any of her secrets. Out the affair. Find people that have your back in person. We have your back here, and there is almost always someone a available 24/7/365.

7. Things SUCK right now, but they WILL get better. They will.
Things are going to be hard for awhile, but you will get through this!

[This message edited by Ginny at 6:00 PM, July 29th (Wednesday)]

Buffer posted 7/29/2020 17:36 PM

Brother so sorry. Please when at the Dr std and sti checks as well she hasnít been platonic with her workplace friendship.
Let her HR know of this romance and inform the AP wife as well. Like westway said three legal advisors and pick the best one you feel confident with. No booze or drugs, try to exercise and talk to your children about this and your feelings
One day at a time. It will get worse before you get better.
Buffer

Blindsidedva posted 7/29/2020 17:40 PM

Tirgersrule77
She is on the couch until one kid goes back to collage then sheíll stay in that room.

Thanks everyone for the support

Gibraltar posted 7/29/2020 18:00 PM

What exactly do the kids know about what is going on? Actually what exactly do you know about what happened/is happening?

Blindsidedva posted 7/29/2020 18:04 PM

Kids know we are separating. I know more then sheís told me

HalfTime2017 posted 7/29/2020 18:16 PM

Seek counsel Blindsided. She has an exit plan, and she told you last second. She has been talking with someone else and has been planning this exit. She has probably also seen a lawyer already. Right now, you're behind the 8-ball. You need to start NC, and see counsel.

She is coward for what she did, but don't for one second think that she is going to take things easy on you during the D. Friendship my ass. She's been in a hazy affair for sometime. You need more info. If you can get her phone and computer, there should be plenty of info in there.

Also, your kids are old enough, don't lie to them. Tell them the truth. Why mom is doing what she's doing.

Buster123 posted 7/29/2020 18:29 PM

Consult a lawyer ASAP, get tested for STDs and EXPOSE her huge betrayal with ALL family and close friends, make sure you name POSOM as she would eventually try to introduce him to them and your kids as someone she just met instead of the person who helped destroy the family, of course your WW is the main culprit but he's her accomplice.

standinghere posted 7/30/2020 02:16 AM

I'd have to agree with everyone, lawyer first and foremost, and protect yourself and the family assets for the support of the children.

Follow the advice of the attorney, do not forget that she has made a lot of plans that exclude you, as well as the children, and you cannot trust as single word right now.

TheLostOne2020 posted 7/30/2020 08:17 AM

Blindsidedva

Hi all DDay one was 3weeks ago DDay 2 was two weeks ago.
My wife of 24 years (been together 34 years ) told me she isnít in love with me anymore and will be moving with her job next June ( the whole family was going) after the shock of that I asked for some time to talk and she told me that she had started a ďfriendshipĒ Iím in shock. In pain weíve got two kids one in collage one still in high school the high schooler is going to stay with me. We all in the same house still.

First, I'm sorry. This sucks and she's a shit human being. Second, get to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.

I know thatís not ideal. Thereís no way this doesnít end in divorce I understand that. Just lost right now and not sure how to move forward. Any advise would be greatly appreciated

I went the mediator route - I just wanted out. Your STBXW is moving out, so I think you have an advantage, use it. Contact a lawyer or a mediator and try to get the house and whatever else you can.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/30/2020 08:55 AM

I KNOW this is really hard. Take a day or two to focus on what I am going to tell you, do what you need, and then get back to the emotional turmoil - unfortunately that isn't going anywhere so there will be plenty of time to deal with everything SI is telling you about the roller-coaster you just found yourself on. But do this legal stuff now - here's why, and note:

I am a lawyer - not a family lawyer and as such this is not my legal advice, but my personal opinion. Please seek legal counsel ASAP to assist you with figuring out what does and does not apply in your jurisdiction and how you can best proceed as what everyone, including myself is telling you, that may or may not be applicable in one way or another depending on where you life.

The legal stuff. Proceed right now as if you are 100% sure you are getting divorced AND proceed like it will be a nasty one. If that changes, so be it, you can always withdraw a divorce complaint and just because you take a very offensive stance does not mean you cannot lighten up later. By nasty I do NOT mean exchanging nasty words with your WS (in fact IMO all communications on your end should be as cordial and un-nasty as possible).

Selecting counsel:
You may be wondering why people are telling you to talk to 3 lawyers instead of 1. The quick reason is if you have a meeting with a lawyer which is a "let's see if I want to hire you to represent me in my separation/divorce" then in most places you WS is precluded from hiring that attorney for this divorce. In some places, like big cities, this is no big deal as there are tons of lawyers, but in smaller jurisdictions, if you want to make things a little difficult for your WS (not something I advise personally) that is a way to do it. If there are only a handful of attorneys who specialize in divorce in your area, and you meet with all of them, your WS is going to have to travel to find one and it will likely cost her a bit more to do that. Again, not my cup of tea (and my WH has given me plenty of grounds to be pissed off and angry) but maybe it's yours.

Also, again if you are in a small area, while it may not be your cup of tea, it might be your WS's, and you don't want him/her going out there and meeting with tons of lawyers thus precluding YOU from doing that, so at best, find counsel you are happy with NOW to avoid that scenario and to get you some jurisdiction-specific advice.

Money/financial issues:
In many states a legal separation is an option and in some states/jurisdictions at least a physical separation is a requirement before divorce. It sets the groundwork for how the divorce will proceed and starts to separate assets/liabilities up front so you stop taking on joint debt. The last thing you want is to be responsible financially for your share of you WS's moving costs etc if you can avoid it.

If you live in a jurisdiction where physical separation is a pre-requisite to divorce (some states even have a counseling requirement before divorce, but those are rare - but do exist) so find out what the requirements are now. The last thing you want to do is be in "in house separation" (IHC) for a year only to find out that you can't file until you are living in separate residences for a period of time. Some states have a longer period if you have kids and others do not. Most states have done away with the residing separate and apart requirements but not all (and I have no idea about requirements outside the US/Canada) so finding out now is important.

Kids/Custody:
I highly recommend anyone who may be going through this to read up on the "best interest of the child" standard in your jurisdiction. There are a lot of websites that easily explain what courts in your area consider when determining custody, and you should know what they are.

Most jurisdictions put a lot of emphasis on where the kids reside the majority of the time and all of them that I am aware of look to the state the children were residing at the time the divorce (and sometimes separation) was filed as a baseline for determining where they "should" continue to reside. Here is why working NOW on getting this sorted out in your situation is key:

Generally speaking, your WS cannot move and take the kids out of the state where they legally reside without an agreement from you or a court order, which would mean a modification of the support/custody order entered by the court in a legal separation or divorce.

So, for simplicity's sake let's say that you have 2 kids at the time the legal separation/divorce was ordered by the court. In the Court's order the 2 kids were to reside with your spouse and you have them every other weekend, and you were to pay spousal support of $500 per month. Now, your EXWS decides to move out of state and take the kids. Let's also say that the place they are moving is too far for the every other weekend exchange to take place.

Clearly this move is going change some things: not only the time you get to spend with the kids, but what it will cost you because someone is going to have to pay for them to travel back and forth. Generally speaking (again this is very general and not state specific) if you have already gone to court, the kids state of residence has been determined, so most likely your WS would be on the hook for some, if not all, of those transportation related costs, because she is the one who took them out of their state of residence. Also, it gives you grounds to want the kids to remain in their state of residence as the burden will likely be on the party moving out of state (in this case, your WS). The burden will likely be on your WS to establish that the move is in the "best interest of the child/children". Right now, the state of legal residence would be where you all live so your WS would have to prove that the move is in the best interest of the kids she seeks to move. Also, as the whole every other weekend thing won't work anymore, that needs to be changed at all.

If you have a custody/support/visitation court order, anything would have to be modified before the court unless you can agree separately. Without one, she could move the kids, AND later when (if) you do file, you might find YOU are on the hook for paying for their transportation to/from you + have to renegotiate your visitation schedule. Basically, without a court order, you are really hoping that your WS is reasonable with you about this (some are, and some are not).

There is a lot more, but this is just a baseline description so you can understand why, when you are in such pain and misery, is everyone telling you to talk to counsel now.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:21 AM, July 30th (Thursday)]

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