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Depressed, I need to know it gets better

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Thumos posted 7/24/2020 00:12 AM

Youíre married to a serial cheater and itís been for how long? Seven women?

Please tell me youíre getting out. Seriously.

This doesnít get better from here if you stay - but it will most assuredly get better if you remove yourself from the cess pool he has made for himself.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:13 AM, July 24th (Friday)]

TheLostOne2020 posted 7/24/2020 08:22 AM

SoCalCountrygirl

@AnnieK Thank you for your advice. My husband's counselor is experienced in infidelity and he is going through the "Every Man's battle" workshops and accountability group. I think I will separate for a few months and decide what to do during the separation.

Good, please do. What you need to do is have a support system. Talk about these things with friends, family, therapists. It all helps. Get some distance. Seriously. Then think about it. Right now you are still reeling - you are fighting between who he is in reality and who you have in your mind.

This just really sucks.

I know and I'm sorry, I really am. It is one of the most painful things you will go through. You will get better. Things do turn around. It sometimes feels slow as shit but there is an end to the pain.

@JosieP The AP was a random single woman who came into his job one day. After one conversation he could tell she was just as morally corrupt as he was and he decided to start grooming her for the affair. He told two of his friends about it but no one else knew (as far as I know). He showed me the final email he sent her to break it off and I talked to her a month later and she said he hasn't contacted her but of course idk.

Those friends need to be jettisoned. If they didn't force him to tell you, to stop, or were on your side then they are NOT friends.

Don't make any decisions or promises. Get some space and heal. That's your priority.


ChamomileTea

I don't think that's going to be enough help. It's not that I have a problem with Christian-based programs, I don't. But the whole premise of "every man" experiencing this battle is WRONG. Not every man is willing to throw away his own integrity, and not every man is "tempted" by whatever attractive woman they happen to notice. If you read through other threads right here at SI, you'll find men who were married for decades and never cheated. They aren't aberrations. They're men who believed in the vows they took because those vows reflect their core values.

I completely agree here. The premise itself seems a rationalization for letting him off the hook. I never cheated in my 21 year relationship/marriage and I had the opportunity to. I told my wife (at the time) about it immediately, cut contact with the woman who's 'friendship' I misinterpreted, and kept my wife in the loop on everything. I didn't compromise my values/morals at all. It wasn't difficult or a battle.

The entire premise of this book makes it sound like cheating is the norm. It makes it sound like it's no big deal and that you can be a good person and still cheat on your spouse. And that's just not true. You're as good a person as your worst willful actions. Your WH didn't trip on the sidewalk and fall into some OW's vagina. He made dozens of choices to lie and deceive in order to make each one of those occurrences happen.

I agree with all of this.

Anna123 posted 7/24/2020 18:36 PM

@ChamomileTea I completely understand how crazy it sounds but besides all that BS my husband is a good man with a good heart. Also I come from a family that believes in marriage and so does he.

No he doesn't. I am sorry to say that. I'm not saying he won't change his mind, but up until now he has not believed in marriage. Words are nothing, actions are everything. We project our own values on others, especially people close. It's good he is attending the group and I hope he has an epiphany and completely changes his entire personality down to his core, but you are being blessed with a chance to see the truth clearly here. I too come from a family of solid long forever marriages and thought that was what my cheater valued. It turned out it wasn't but it took me a lot of analysis of his history to realize that.

It is worth reviewing how he reacts to other things in life. What does he say casually about important things etc. I would ask how he treats others, but we know he lies to others to get sex, or tells them he is betraying you, to get sex. This is a lot to overcome. Since you want to give him a chance, you can take a breather, take your time for now, and watch his actions going forward and compare it to what the true reconciling successful spouse do etc.

I am so sorry you are here. Take care.

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