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Depressed, I need to know it gets better

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ChamomileTea posted 7/22/2020 19:49 PM

@Halftime2017 so yes he admitted to sleeping with at least 6 other women in addition to his affair over the past year. He maintains that he was completely faithful our first year of marriage and we didnít date long before getting married.

Why would you consider taking this guy back? I'm honestly bewildered. I can understand having some investment in a marriage; shared children, shared assets, shared history. But you've only known this guy for a few years, and most of what you know about him is that he's a liar and a cheat. Yes, he's telling you that he wants to change, but you have NOTHING to go on which would make you believe he's even capable.

My WH had 30+ years of physical fidelity to his credit before he flaked out, and 20+ years of emotional fidelity. I knew he was capable of maintaining boundaries if he could dig deep and change his wayward mindset. Our shared history and all that it entailed made it worthwhile to give him that chance. So, I'm really curious as to what is motivating you when you've had none of that.

Underserving posted 7/22/2020 19:55 PM

I do not say this lightly, but you need to run, and run fast.

SoCalCountrygirl posted 7/22/2020 20:16 PM

@ChamomileTea I completely understand how crazy it sounds but besides all that BS my husband is a good man with a good heart. Also I come from a family that believes in marriage and so does he. Both of our parents have been married 30+ years and my grandparents are celebrating 70 years today. I at least want to give him a chance to change.

Tanner posted 7/22/2020 20:47 PM

It gets better very slowly. Iím not in the same frame of mind I was on Dday. Iím pissed!! My anger has really helped me. I had her on this pedestal thinking I cannot live without her. Iím so beyond that bull shit, I have my confidence and self esteem back. Donít get me wrong I still hurt but I take care of me first. I wish you well in healing, it sucks, It really sucks.

steadychevy posted 7/22/2020 21:10 PM

You don't want to hear that you should end the marriage. But that is exactly what I'm suggesting you do. Your decision. Your life. Thus far you don't have any entanglements like children, mortgages, business interests, etc. Those really complicate things. When someone shows you who they are you should believe them. The pain of bailing out now will be much less than bailing out after many other entanglements get included.

I'm from a family of long, lifelong marriages on both my mother's and fathers side. I attended a 65 anniversary of my mother's sister and my uncle. My XWW came from a broken family. After 42 years of marriage I'm divorced. My XWW cheated on me before we were engaged, before we wed and after we wed. I strongly suggest you get out before you are hurt even worse.

Sofarsogood posted 7/22/2020 21:16 PM

So he is a good man with a good heart that only dishonored his wedding vows with 7 other women? I understand you want to give him more chances to prove himself, but out of curiosity, what are you planning to do if there is a number 8? Please make sure he doesn't take your forgiveness for granted. Also ask yourself what advice you would give somebody else if they were in the same situation. It will be hard to trust again.


ChamomileTea posted 7/22/2020 21:43 PM

@ChamomileTea I completely understand how crazy it sounds but besides all that BS my husband is a good man with a good heart. Also I come from a family that believes in marriage and so does he.

I'm not meaning to be argumentative or to put you on the spot. Here's the thing though... Just because you, your extended family, and his extended family have a core value which honors fidelity in marriage, doesn't mean that he shares that value. He demonstrably does not. And he's not a "good man", nor does he have a "good heart". Good men with good hearts don't lie to your face, cheat behind your back, and expose you to any number of social diseases, financial instability, and social embarrassment.

I'm not saying these things to be mean. Rather, I think you'd do well to look at this guy with clear eyes. We have women in here TODAY, who've been cheated on while pregnant and their unborn babies exposed to untold risks. Women with young children who've trusted their cheater with their financial future who end up stuck as SAHM's having no resources with which to escape. We get women in here who have unwittingly wasted decades of their lives with serial cheaters who discard them at the end with hardly anything to their names. You sound young, with your whole life ahead of you. Finding out early before any of those investments are made is a GIFT. And of course, it's completely up to you what you'll do with that gift. I'm just saying why not unwrap it and have a really good look before you toss it aside? This kind of betrayal can get so much worse. So much worse. Intimate betrayal at your most vulnerable point in life is more bitter than you can imagine. Even the pain you're in today pales in comparison.

Your cheater is trying to convince you that he can change. Does he even know what that entails? Do you?

Cheating is about CHARACTER. It's not about "temptations". It's about the hole in one's character which is capable of saying "yes" to perfidy. Not everyone has that. People who BELIEVE in their own core values build boundaries around those values and protect them. What you've got is a guy who claims to believe in fidelity, hence the marriage vows, but really doesn't. And it's not even something he doesn't know about himself yet, because he looked you in the eyes in front of gathered family, friends, and God... and lied to you all. He doesn't truly value fidelity, at least not as it applies to HIM. If he did, he wouldn't have cheated without a gun to his head. He couldn't have made himself go through with it, not once, let alone SIX different women.

This kind of belief is not some kind of "fake it 'til you make it" thing. It's a CORE belief, a belief that is intertwined with your internal sense of propriety, integrity, and honor. And there are men in this world out there today who have it, who uphold it, who could be marched over broken glass and would still defend it. That's what you're giving up on the off-chance that this guy can pull his head out of his hindquarters and learn, and with no proof at all that he's even marginally capable.

Like I said earlier, I'm not trying to be argumentative. I just think it's sad when people won't open up that gift and look it over. I do wish you well though and I hope it all works out for you.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 9:50 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]

TheLostOne2020 posted 7/23/2020 06:58 AM

SoCalCountrygirl

@ChamomileTea I completely understand how crazy it sounds but besides all that BS my husband is a good man with a good heart. Also I come from a family that believes in marriage and so does he. Both of our parents have been married 30+ years and my grandparents are celebrating 70 years today. I at least want to give him a chance to change.

Well, hopefully you are correct. What I found out is that even aside from the infidelity my ex was not a good woman. She had gotten back in touch with her father and was showing him pictures of our children. Now, you may ask what the problem was with that? He just go out of jail a few years ago for raping and abusing her sister.

Cheaters are not good people. Their corrupt morals spread into other aspects of their lives. You need to be careful. He took deliberate actions he knew would traumatize you - that is evidence that his heart is not 'good'.

I get it, it's painful as fuck and you have a picture of him in your head - that picture may or may not reflect reality. It took about a month for me to realize that my picture of my ex was not reality.

Freeme posted 7/23/2020 08:53 AM

Also I come from a family that believes in marriage and so does he.

I don't understand how he can believe in marriage and cheat with 6 different women while married.

It's your right to give this a try but be aware he is a seriel cheater and you will need to keep track of his phone, computer, GPS...
It's not like he didn't know what he was doing was wrong and hurtful to your and the marriage. So its not like you can say he has stopped because he understands now.

You can try to R because you believe in marriage but don't sweep this under the rug. Things can get far worse for you with STD's, preg. Since he is a serial cheater you need to keep tabs on him constantly. You can try to trust but verify.

Good luck

EllieKMAS posted 7/23/2020 11:33 AM

so yes he admitted to sleeping with at least 6 other women in addition to his affair over the past year. He maintains that he was completely faithful our first year of marriage and we didnít date long before getting married.
You have absolutely zero reason to believe anything he says at this point. He has proven conclusively that he is a liar. Cheaters lie. And then they lie. And then they lie about their lies. IMHO, I would take everything he says at the moment with a large dose of skepticism.

I completely understand how crazy it sounds but besides all that BS my husband is a good man with a good heart.
Sorry socal, but no he isn't. I know how painful that is - I did this 'reasoning' about my exdouche too. But GOOD people do NOT cheat, hurt, lie, and otherwise fuck over people they claim to love. They just don't.

Also I come from a family that believes in marriage and so does he.
Look marriage was different back then. It just was. Women didn't typically work, so there were not the same issues regarding finances and such. And.... just because his family believes it, does not mean he does - in fact he has shown you demonstrably that he does not share those beliefs.

Hey I am all for second chances. But the difference now is that I will NOT give people chances at my own expense anymore.

Anniek posted 7/23/2020 12:11 PM

I to am married to a serial cheater. It is not an easy road. In fact, if I could go back to Dday 1 ( I've had two!) I would divorce. Instead, I threw myself into R and for the next 18 years, thought he was "healed" and that we were happy. Turns out he was still acting out the entire time. Dday2 was two months before our 20th anniversary. Along with porn, he also cheated at massage parlors and with over 31 prostitutes.

Now we are in limbo. I have 3 children who adore their father, but I will never feel the same about him. All trust is gone. I am three years out and am in IC for ptsd. I still cry almost daily and suffer from horrible nightmares.

You are young and have time to truly heal and move on to someone who knows your value. However, if you are determined to stay, I highly recommend a polygraph to ensure that you have the entire truth. Cheaters are notorious liars! Also he needs to see an infidelity

Anniek posted 7/23/2020 12:15 PM

I to am married to a serial cheater. It is not an easy road. In fact, if I could go back to Dday 1 ( I've had two!) I would divorce. Instead, I threw myself into R and for the next 18 years, thought he was "healed" and that we were happy. Turns out he was still acting out the entire time. Dday2 was two months before our 20th anniversary. Along with porn, he also cheated at massage parlors and with over 31 prostitutes.

Now we are in limbo. I have 3 children who adore their father, but I will never feel the same about him. All trust is gone. I am three years out and am in IC for ptsd. I still cry almost daily and suffer from horrible nightmares.

You are young and have time to truly heal and move on to someone who knows your value. However, if you are determined to stay, I highly recommend a polygraph to ensure that you have the entire truth. Cheaters are notorious liars! Also he needs to see an counselor trained in infidelity, not just a run of the mill IC. Finally, I recommend separating for at least 6 months while he works on himself. I did not, and it is one of my biggest regrets!

Good luck to you. I know firsthand how difficult this is to navigate. Particularly, when you still love your spouse.

josiep posted 7/23/2020 12:31 PM

I know you don't want to hear ny advice that suggests you leave but I would encourage you to find a way to put some distance between the two of you so your emotions can settle a bit and you can breathe better so you can think about all this with a clearer head.

You have many options ahead of you and you don't have to decide right away. In the meantime, however, you should consult with an attorney just to find out the divorce laws in your state/county/country and how a divorce would affect you financially. I assume you've both been tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Under no circumstances should you avoid that, it could mean the difference between life and death.

You didn't mention who he's been seeing. Is it someone you know? Someone in your social circle of friends? If they've taken trips together, how many of your friends knew what was going on and didn't tell you? Is she married? Does her spouse or SO know about her cheating? Did your WH break it off with her? What proof do you have of that?

You see, unfortunately, the truth, a truth that cannot be denied no matter what, is, that he has been lying to you. Lying to you about the most important thing possible. He has lied to you in order to commit the worst act of betrayal against you. So I caution you to not believe a word he says going forward. Verify everything.

I wish you well and I hope he's that rare exception to the rule who can turn this around and become the man you thought he was. In the meantime, don't forget to take care of you.

SoCalCountrygirl posted 7/23/2020 12:40 PM

@AnnieK Thank you for your advice. My husband's counselor is experienced in infidelity and he is going through the "Every Man's battle" workshops and accountability group. I think I will separate for a few months and decide what to do during the separation.

This just really sucks.

@JosieP The AP was a random single woman who came into his job one day. After one conversation he could tell she was just as morally corrupt as he was and he decided to start grooming her for the affair. He told two of his friends about it but no one else knew (as far as I know). He showed me the final email he sent her to break it off and I talked to her a month later and she said he hasn't contacted her but of course idk.

[This message edited by SoCalCountrygirl at 12:46 PM, July 23rd (Thursday)]

josiep posted 7/23/2020 12:53 PM

JosieP The AP was a random single woman who came into his job one day. After one conversation he could tell she was just as morally corrupt as he was and he decided to start grooming her for the affair. He told two of his friends about it but no one else knew (as far as I know). He showed me the final email he sent her to break it off and I talked to her a month later and she said he hasn't contacted her but of course idk.

Good, steps in the right direction are always good to hear. But please remain vigilant and keep posting here whenever you like but especially if you have any doubts or moments of despair.

Cheers.

SilverStar posted 7/23/2020 13:05 PM

It's okay if you don't want to leave. Either way, it will get better. 3 months is no time at all after such a betrayal.

Healing from infidelity, in my experience, is not linear. You will have good days and bad, good weeks and bad, good months and bad. When you think you are "over it" and feeling good, something will trigger a really bad time.

In my experience, the good times eventually last longer than the bad, and the bad times are further and further apart.

On the practical side, I recommend you see a lawyer now to discuss a post-nuptial agreement. Basically, you and your WH work out the terms of divorce in the event that happens years down the road when there are innocent children and property involved. You will want this agreement to be very, very favorable to you in the case of divorce due to infidelity.

SoCalCountrygirl posted 7/23/2020 13:54 PM

@SilverStar Thank you for that advice. I am going to look into getting the post-nuptial agreement.

ChamomileTea posted 7/23/2020 14:23 PM

...he is going through the "Every Man's battle" workshops and accountability group

I don't think that's going to be enough help. It's not that I have a problem with Christian-based programs, I don't. But the whole premise of "every man" experiencing this battle is WRONG. Not every man is willing to throw away his own integrity, and not every man is "tempted" by whatever attractive woman they happen to notice. If you read through other threads right here at SI, you'll find men who were married for decades and never cheated. They aren't aberrations. They're men who believed in the vows they took because those vows reflect their core values.

The entire premise of this book makes it sound like cheating is the norm. It makes it sound like it's no big deal and that you can be a good person and still cheat on your spouse. And that's just not true. You're as good a person as your worst willful actions. Your WH didn't trip on the sidewalk and fall into some OW's vagina. He made dozens of choices to lie and deceive in order to make each one of those occurrences happen.

Lastly, while I do believe that it's a good thing for a cheater to create accountability, it's not your JOB as his wife to keep him on the straight and narrow. It's okay to get some support early on from therapists and group, but ultimately, the accountability must come from within. This goes back to what I talked about in my last post, how his core values need to be REAL and reflect what he actually believes. Once he's honest about what he truly values, he can build meaningful boundaries around those beliefs. This sounds really simple, but it's complicated by poor character traits like selfishness, narcissistic tendencies, entitlement, grandiosity, misogyny, personality disorders, etc. Misalignment of values doesn't explain the willful HURT these people dish out to the ones who love them. There's something ugly way down deep which needs to be found and remediated. I just don't think a group of guys sitting around in a circle, believing that they're normal and representative of other men is going to be the cure for that. The work is deeper, less comfortable, and way more humbling.

I'm glad you've settled on taking some separate time. I think it's a really good plan which can provide you with some clarity of thought. I would advise you to not allow your WH to come back without another professional opinion though. A well qualified CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapist) should be able to say whether he's safe or not.

SoCalCountrygirl posted 7/23/2020 16:36 PM

@ChamomileTea

@redwing6

Thank you for your advice. I am considering everything you have told me.

DaBreaks posted 7/23/2020 19:43 PM

Just about everyone who gets married believes in marriage.

Life happens though and then you have to ask if you believe you are married to the right person.

Doesnít take away your belief in marriage, just the person you are married to.

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