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Depressed, I need to know it gets better

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SoCalCountrygirl posted 7/22/2020 11:39 AM

Hello,

So I found out 3 months ago that my husband had an affair that lasted a little over a year. I found videos on his phone, the night I found out he had just come from being with her. Today I feel depressed, all I can do is lay in bed and cry. His affair was physical and emotional. He pretty much had a girlfriend on the side, he provided for her, took her on dates, they went out of town together once, and talked for hours almost everyday. During this year we also had our wedding, prepared to buy a house, and start our family. I am crushed beyond anything I have ever felt before. The lies, deceit, manipulation that went into this affair is just on a level that I canít even comprehend. I Am completely blindsided because our relationship was not bad at all for him to do this.

He has expressed full remorse and I already see a lot of positive changes in him. We are both in MC and IC. He is also in a menís group with men who have sexual integrity issues. It turns out his actions stem from a long history of cheating and never having a monogamous relationship.

This whole situation has hurt me deeply and I look forward to hearing from those who have healed from this. Thank you

I understand that leaving is an option but I do not want to leave my husband. So please if your advice is to leave, that is not what I am looking for right now but I appreciate your concern.

[This message edited by SoCalCountrygirl at 1:47 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]

ChamomileTea posted 7/22/2020 11:55 AM

Healing from infidelity is a slow process which typically takes two to five years. And it depends upon either leaving the offending WS or the WS fully correcting his character. Your WS appears to be claiming he's SA, so for you, healing would be a lifelong journey.

I don't know why cheaters come right out of the box claiming addiction. If anything, that would make the prospects of staying in relationship with them even more alarming. I assume they believe that we'll think it's a valid excuse because they're "sick", but who wants to bind themselves to that kind of sickness?

Your WH didn't even manage to marry you without cheating. If he cheated all last year and you had your wedding last year, he looked you in the eyes while he made his vow of fidelity KNOWING that he wasn't going to keep it. But now, of course, you're supposed to take "in sickness and in health" seriously???

You aren't at any obligation to stay with this guy. You know that, right? There are actually better men out there, men with integrity. Your choice to stay with your cheater will mean that you'll never experience an honest man. That's a pretty damned big ask from your cheater.

The1stWife posted 7/22/2020 12:28 PM

It turns out his actions stem from a long history of cheating and never having a monogamous relationship.

Did you know any of this prior to marrying him?

SoCalCountrygirl posted 7/22/2020 13:16 PM

Did you know any of this prior to marrying him?


@The1stWife

Yes I knew these things, but he was very convincing that he was ready to commit to one woman. He deleted all of the women out of his phone and he was faithful to me during our first year of marriage. We had a court wedding about a year before we had our wedding ceremony. So the infidelity took place over the year we were planning our ceremony.

@ChamomileTea He is actually not claiming to be addicted to sex. He is acknowledging a lack of integrity and morals.

[This message edited by SoCalCountrygirl at 1:34 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 7/22/2020 13:35 PM

I think he's shown you what life with a family and children is going to look like. Marriage is cake in the beginning, then the real work begins over the years that follow when your resolve to grow together is put to the reality test. If he can't get through the honeymoon period (the initial easy years) without a woman on the side, imagine how he's going to react when you're pregnant and feeling fat with his child and not looking and acting your best. How's he going to handle your attention being divided between him and the kids?

His history is having multiple women paying attention to him simultaneously. What's he going to do when you find yourself plopping into bed every night worn out and half asleep? This is a situation where most viewers already know the end of the movie from just seeing a couple minutes of the beginning.

I'm sorry about your situation. You may want to think hard about saddling yourself with that man's children. I wish the best for you.

TheLostOne2020 posted 7/22/2020 13:54 PM

SoCalCountrygirl

First and foremost:

I need to know it gets better

It does. I found out on Jan 1st, moved out in June, and I'm loads better than I was the first few weeks. Still got some healing to do and some life to get back in order but I've had more happy days than sad days now.

So I found out 3 months ago that my husband had an affair that lasted a little over a year. I found videos on his phone, the night I found out he had just come from being with her. Today I feel depressed, all I can do is lay in bed and cry. His affair was physical and emotional. He pretty much had a girlfriend on the side, he provided for her, took her on dates, they went out of town together once, and talked for hours almost everyday. During this year we also had our wedding, prepared to buy a house, and start our family. I am crushed beyond anything I have ever felt before. The lies, deceit, manipulation that went into this affair is just on a level that I canít even comprehend. I Am completely blindsided because our relationship was not bad at all for him to do this.

Jesus, yeah, cheaters are a shitty bunch. None of this was your fault or due to anything you did. This is all a result of his shitty morals and lack of principles.

He has expressed full remorse and I already see a lot of positive changes in him. We are both in MC and IC. He is also in a menís group with men who have sexual integrity issues. It turns out his actions stem from a long history of cheating and never having a monogamous relationship.

So he's a serial cheater who doesn't give a shit about his partner's mental health?

This whole situation has hurt me deeply and I look forward to hearing from those who have healed from this. Thank you

I know that some people can reconcile, but honestly, this dude is a serial cheater and carried on an affair that lasted over a year. That's a lot of shitty behavior.

I understand that leaving is an option but I do not want to leave my husband. So please if your advice is to leave, that is not what I am looking for right now but I appreciate your concern.

You just found out recently. I wouldn't make a decision either way, yet. You need to get some distance and figure out what's best for you. You need to read the Healing Library and figure out if you can get past this or not.

SoCalCountrygirl posted 7/22/2020 14:17 PM

@TheLostOne2020 If you donít mind could you share your story please and why you are deciding to divorce.

EllieKMAS posted 7/22/2020 14:22 PM

Hey there,
So sorry you are here, but very glad you found SI. It's a really great community that no one ever wanted to be a part of. Just one thing really stuck out that I wanted to make sure I was reading correctly:

he was faithful to me during our first year of marriage. We had a court wedding about a year before we had our wedding ceremony. So the infidelity took place over the year we were planning our ceremony.
So... you had your court wedding, then your church wedding a year after and he cheated on you in between those two? If that answer is yes, then so sorry but he was demonstrably NOT faithful during your first year of marriage.

You don't have to make any decisions today, but if he can't even manage to stay faithful in the honeymoon period, has never had a monogamous relationship.... I would do some soul searching and therapy for just you on whether that is something you want to stick with.

TheLostOne2020 posted 7/22/2020 14:53 PM

SoCalCountrygirl

@TheLostOne2020 If you donít mind could you share your story please and why you are deciding to divorce.

I'm not sure I can link it, but it's on the fifth page, title is "How the New Year started": https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=643302

Short story was that I had been with my ex for 21 years (married 16). Her mother, aunt, grandmother, and friend all died within a year of each other. She got depressed and reached out to an old High School ex boyfriend. She started an emotional affair about 5 years ago, it turned physical 2-3 years after that. I found out on January 1st. She callously told me some of the details but not all of them. She seemingly didn't give a watery shit about my feelings for months. It was only when my hair started falling out that she recognized that I had feelings.

Before that though, in January, I pushed for Marriage Counseling, I found a good lady and we went. The woman said that we should give the marriage 6 months - really try. That means cutting off the affair partners and focus on our marriage. My ex agreed. She conceded that our marriage was pretty good.

Two days later I caught her on the phone with her AP, telling him that she was going to go to Marriage counseling for 6 months (on my dime) and continue to see him, make plans to become financially independent. That was her plan A. Her plan B was to fake a marriage for 6-8 years with me and vacation/do little get aways with him. Ultimately she had no intention of giving up her AP. So I contacted a lawyer then a mediator and started that process. I think the first mediation was in February, but Covid screwed up the timeline (I had wanted to be out by March). So things slowed down and I was finally able to leave in June. January 2nd, 2021 is when I'll be officially divorced (because we have to be legally separated for a year). All the legal paperwork is in the separation agreement, custody, division of property, etc.

SoCalCountrygirl posted 7/22/2020 14:58 PM

@EllieKMas Yes our court wedding was in Dec 2017 and our wedding ceremony was in July 2019. His affair started Feb 2019 and ended when he was busted on April 2020.

@TheLostOne2020 Wow, that is awful. I'm glad you are doing much better now.

[This message edited by SoCalCountrygirl at 3:00 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]

TheLostOne2020 posted 7/22/2020 15:03 PM

SoCalCountrygirl

@TheLostOne2020 Wow, that is awful. I'm glad you are doing much better now.

Thanks! Actually I was blathering on another board about it - her AP sent her Valentine's day flowers to the house - and someone from NPR contacted me asking if I would be willing to go on Embedded to tell my story for a piece on how Covid quarantine was affecting people. I said no.

The thing is, even though it looks bleak now, things do get better. A lot better.

HellFire posted 7/22/2020 15:08 PM

He has expressed full remorse


How so?

SoCalCountrygirl posted 7/22/2020 15:23 PM

@HellFire He immediately accepted full blame, he did not try to blame me or our relationship. He has admitted to other situations that happened over the year. He has admitted to having a lack of integrity and lack of moral compass. So far he has really committed to making changes and practicing those changes. He tells me every time he faces temptation to hold him accountable. He confessed to both of our parents...and he has shown positive changes in his overall character...

TheLostOne2020 posted 7/22/2020 15:29 PM

SoCalCountrygirl

@HellFire He immediately accepted full blame, he did not try to blame me or our relationship. He has admitted to other situations that happened over the year. He has admitted to having a lack of integrity and lack of moral compass. So far he has really committed to making changes and practicing those changes. He tells me every time he faces temptation to hold him accountable. He confessed to both of our parents...and he has shown positive changes in his overall character...

Has he been seeking out answers himself? Has he been fully transparent? Is he offering up his devices for you to look at?

Here's some good stuff from the Healing Library: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/right_wrong.asp
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/trust.asp

Underserving posted 7/22/2020 15:39 PM

To answer your question, it does get better. Iím only 7 months out, but I feel a world away from where I was on d-day. Iím no where near healed, but at about 6 months I saw some light at the end of the tunnel. I now know I AM going to make it through this, and I WILL heal from it.

3 months you are likely still in preservation mode of the life and marriage you thought you had. Those are both gone. Youíve discovered your WH is not who you thought he was, at least not who you thought he was going to be with you. Itís a hard kick in the gut to face that reality, but it is reality. Marriages can be rebuilt, but itís mother f-ing hard.

There arenít many hopeful stories involving serial cheaters on this site. Most of the time it turns into a ďwell Iím back after so and so yearsĒ post on the JFO forum. Iím not saying that to discourage you, but to take a good look at the future you want to have. Do you want kids with this man? Someone you donít know if youíll ever be able to trust again?

If you are young and childless I would really advise you to make sure your ducks are in a row, and plan an exit strategy. You donít have to decide anything right now, but when the shock wears off, you may decide he isnít worth it to you.

SoCalCountrygirl posted 7/22/2020 15:52 PM

@TheLostOne2020 The thing is we have always had open access to each other's devices. I have always had his phone password. I found evidence in a locked photo album he had on his phone....but yes he has looked for answers himself and joined a group for men with integrity issues. He has been fully transparent with me and answered all of my questions about the affair.

TheLostOne2020 posted 7/22/2020 16:20 PM

Underserving

To answer your question, it does get better. Iím only 7 months out, but I feel a world away from where I was on d-day. Iím no where near healed, but at about 6 months I saw some light at the end of the tunnel. I now know I AM going to make it through this, and I WILL heal from it.

My timeline is similar to yours, it looks like. I'm a lot better than I was too.

3 months you are likely still in preservation mode of the life and marriage you thought you had. Those are both gone. Youíve discovered your WH is not who you thought he was, at least not who you thought he was going to be with you. Itís a hard kick in the gut to face that reality, but it is reality. Marriages can be rebuilt, but itís mother f-ing hard.

Definitely.

There arenít many hopeful stories involving serial cheaters on this site. Most of the time it turns into a ďwell Iím back after so and so yearsĒ post on the JFO forum. Iím not saying that to discourage you, but to take a good look at the future you want to have. Do you want kids with this man? Someone you donít know if youíll ever be able to trust again?

If you are young and childless I would really advise you to make sure your ducks are in a row, and plan an exit strategy. You donít have to decide anything right now, but when the shock wears off, you may decide he isnít worth it to you.

I agree with this. Also, I've read at the 18th month mark that a lot of BS who have reconciled regret their decision to reconcile.

SoCalCountrygirl

@TheLostOne2020 The thing is we have always had open access to each other's devices. I have always had his phone password. I found evidence in a locked photo album he had on his phone....but yes he has looked for answers himself and joined a group for men with integrity issues. He has been fully transparent with me and answered all of my questions about the affair.

That was similar with my ex and I - we had transparency too, or I thought we did.

That's good that he's taking some steps like that. That's more than my ex ever did - I had to essentially drag her. All I can say is that this is up to you. Even if he's doing everything right and he never cheats again you might find that you just cannot get over what he's done and that's okay.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/22/2020 17:44 PM

If your husbands issue stems from hims Sexual Integrity problems, than this cannot be his only time cheating on you. Typically people on here really struggle to let go, and try all they can to save their marriage once they find out. Just look at all the other threads.

I suggest you get out of MC, and work on yourself. You need to get the husband to do a polygraph. See if you can get the whole story, b/c from what you've written, this is NOT the only time. Than ask yourself if you really want to stay and work on this once you've gotten the whole truth. It might go a lot deeper. If all you want to hear is that things will get better and not the truth than you will probably find yourself here again in the future. Don't be so quick to forgive, to save something that you don't know the whole story about.

redwing6 posted 7/22/2020 18:23 PM

SCCG,
Here's a list of info that I've culled from here and a couple of other places. As in all things here, take what you can use, and ignore the rest.

Below is a list of what a remorseful WS (Wayward Spouse) should look like. There is a difference between remorse and regret. There is a lot of useful information about this and other affair-related topics in the Healing Library in the yellow box on the upper left.
If a WS is truly remorseful, they:
ē are non defensive
ē examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
ē accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
ē do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
ē show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
ē make amends and apologize to loved ones
ē apologize often, especially the first two years
ē listen with patience and validate their spousesí pain
ē allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
ē respect the betrayed spouseís timetable for recovering
ē seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
ē keep no secrets
ē do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
ē are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
ē frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
ē are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
ē are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
ē donít minimize the damage the affair had on the children
commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

My 1st wife is a serial cheater. She cheated on me at least 10 times that I know of (with 10 different men, that is) over our 4 year marriage. After we divorced, she moved in with my (former) best friend and then married him. During that 10 year marriage, she cheated on him at with at least 30 different men. She married her 3rd husband and had 3 more kids and at least 10 separate affairs. She's still married to him.

Serial cheaters rarely ever stop.

[This message edited by redwing6 at 6:26 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]

SoCalCountrygirl posted 7/22/2020 19:27 PM

@Halftime2017 so yes he admitted to sleeping with at least 6 other women in addition to his affair over the past year. He maintains that he was completely faithful our first year of marriage and we didnít date long before getting married.

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