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What helped with triggers during sex?

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gmc94 posted 7/22/2020 12:01 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ me too, DeepHurt. There has been zero emotional connection for me since dday. Doubt it will return - with any partner.

So, like you, I try and focus on the physical.... like ChaOs.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:02 PM, July 22nd, 2020 (Wednesday)]

LLXC posted 7/22/2020 13:33 PM

Not having sex with my cheater worked for me.

Same. I didn't know he was cheating but all of a sudden I couldn't bring myself to have sex. Then I found out about everything. My body knew before I did.

If someone doesn't want to have sex, or cant, it might be a sign that there is a laco to trust.

SlapJacks posted 7/27/2020 13:46 PM

Honestly? There is nothing you can do. It will never be the same again. I have experienced everything from ED (thank the Lord that went away) to not being able to finish. It just plain sucks (no pun intended).

My WW and I had a very large menu pre-dday so there is nothing new she can do to spice things up. Strangely, I have actually prefer a limited sexual menu right now. Straight vanilla. I have tried to mentally understand this, but I think it has to do with starting over...learning to even like sex again with my WW, if that makes any sense.

I will add that verbal affirmations, talking dirty, or visual cues (bedroom eyes) tend to help. It helps me focus on the moment. However, don't go over the top. Don't "fake" anything. And for damn sure don't be critical of his technique or prowess in any shape, form or fashion. Talking about sex, and how much you want him, during the day is also helpful.

But like everyone else says....sex with my WW is now a selfish thing for me. Her pleasure is just not my priority right now. Re-establishing my manhood is.

Onlyjan posted 7/27/2020 21:18 PM

Interestingly, I donít ever think of her during sex. Never really did, except for maybe in the very beginning. We went through hysterical bonding for nearly a year, though. We were still having a lot of sex during his affair, so I never felt undesired. Actually, I felt like he was desperately trying NOT to want me, but kept coming to me sexually, even when he was being cold and trying to be detached. So I never, at any point, felt sexually unwanted. I guess Iím just naive, and assume he couldnít top what we have with her. If thatís a fallacy, Iím content with believing it. Donít need to be convinced otherwise. I just thought her personality was so bland and meek and her physique was not as nice as mine, so, oh well. Emotionally, Iím nowhere near as connected, though. I remember UH telling me in the first few months how wonderful sex with me had been. I just looked at him and felt sheer spite. I ttold him I didnít feel like it was anything ó I hated him so much, but I wasnít going to deprive myself of one of the only things he could give me that no one else can (I didnít plan on straying). Thatís pretty much been my attitude. Iím disgusted with him, but physically, sex with him is good. So Iím not going to deny myself that, at least not all of the time. The frequency is greatly reduced now, however, I will admit, because I feel so emotionally disgusted with him all the time. Just completely repulsed by how pathetic and immature he was. He recently got a big promotion (V-P for huge company for all of North America) and I still feel, in part ó so f-cling what? Youíre still the loser who betrayed your family. The dirty, morally bankrupt, selfish fool. I lost myself and my kids lost their mother to depression and horror. They lost the stable family and the attention and normalcy I feel like they deserve. And itís on him. I try to white knuckle through my days, but three years later and I still feel horror and disgust about the affair at points throughout the day ó every single day. How do you want the person who brought that into your life? Yuck. I just wish Iíd married a better person, who wasnít so broken and fíd up. I also donít want to see my kids half the time, so it is what it is.

Onlyjan posted 7/27/2020 21:24 PM

I just realized I hadnít written anything about what helps with triggers. Sorry. I would say making him feel truly desired. Approaching him and making him feel like you just have to have him. Being persistent and willing to be vulnerable. Doing things to him you know he likes (as long as it is something youíre comfortable with) to make him feel you know him, understand him, want to please him. Waking him up in the middle of the night for more, also helps the spouse feel wanted. Middle of the day. Basically ó just more sex in general helps, I think.

Rideitout posted 7/28/2020 05:10 AM

Being persistent and willing to be vulnerable. Doing things to him you know he likes (as long as it is something youíre comfortable with) to make him feel you know him, understand him, want to please him. Waking him up in the middle of the night for more, also helps the spouse feel wanted. Middle of the day. Basically ó just more sex in general helps, I think.

Very good advice (coming from a BH). Be persistent, be engaging, do things that you think he might like (new things you've not done together before). And more is generally better, even if he turns you down, more offers/requests for sex still count for something.

I worry it wonít ever go away ó and that maybe the best solution is just to go have a relationship with someone else that can have a ďclean slateĒ with me sexually and otherwise.I canít possibly be the only BH who has these significant doubts.

Your not. However, at least for me personally, a new partner won't "fix it" either. For some, that might be a fix, and if that's you, well, the path might be clear. For me, it's not, sex is a mess for me because of "motivations", why is she doing it? Is it because she wants to sleep with me (she's horny) or is it because she wants kibbles (she's not horny and trading sex for words). I'll never know with her or anyone else, which has fundamentally altered my relationship with sex. If I thought I could pull the cord and "fix it" I'd have to really think about it, but, for me personally, it's just not a solution to the problem.

So I should watch porn videos while having sex - got it. Sounds kinda lame to be honest, Maybe I should just get a new partner who hasnít betrayed me. Would that help?

Might for you. And if it's that simple, I'd have to say that would be an appealing option, I'd LOVE to have my sex drive/old view of sex back. I just don't know how to get that again though, perhaps because I had a distorted view of sex in the past and now see "clearly" or I have a distorted view of sex now and used to see a more realistic picture, I really don't know.

Kind of lame? Hey, people are asking for suggestions here, that's the best I've got. ;)

[This message edited by Rideitout at 5:18 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

Bulcy posted 7/28/2020 09:41 AM

My BS and I have been dealing with them on an individual basis. We speak regularly about what they are and how we can deal with them. This might be to avoid certain activities.

It seems to be working. We've agreed that if there is a trigger the we can stop at any time. Sometimes this is short term and we continue.

We have had a few really good discussions on sex and this really helped me become more relaxed in talking about other things in the relationship and the affairs.

Buck posted 7/30/2020 17:13 PM

To be exact, they're not mind movies, they're mind plays that you host each time. Pulling in the cast, roughly following a script, stopping and starting and rewriting on the fly. A new show every night.
It is something you are actively doing, running the play, not something that is being done to you.

There is a moment, noticeable if you pay attention, between when the thought pops into your head and when you engage with it emotionally. You control that moment, and can choose to engage with it or not. You can learn to just take a quick dose of Phucitol and get back to being in the moment, instead of raising the curtain on the play. The memories can wait patiently in the wings.

Quoted for the truth.

These movies aren't memories of events that happened to us, they are conjured from our minds and usually full of our worst fears and really only feed our insecurities. The thing I was told was to mentally realize you're having these thoughts, you control them. Recognize them as something you've concocted, and mentally step aside to "see" the thoughts as they progress. You'll be aware that "you" are viewing "your" thoughts. It sounds hippy and new agey, but it cured my ruminations and I found it makes the mind movies disappear too.

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