bonozums posted 7/6/2020 14:59 PM

I (28F) have been dating my boyfriend (27M) for 2.5 years and live together. This has been the first 'real' relationship for both of us. I have never been happier in my life than with him, and he has always maintained the same.

Last week, he texted a friend I had a falling out with and asked her to catch up. Although my friend and I had a falling out a year or so ago, they have remained friendly and cordial and would talk if they saw each other at parties, etc. This was completely fine by me. The kicker is--he asked if they could meet at a hotel and keep it a secret from me as it would be "kind of hot" that way. It is worth mentioning that in these texts to her, he prefaced the hotel idea with the fact that he had no motives and just wanted to say hey. The friend is in a long-term relationship and of course shot him down immediately at which point he apologized promptly for making her uncomfortable and said he would never bring it up again.

I found out about this through mutual friends immediately (within the hour) and confronted him about it. He apologized for his stupid behaviour and admitted that he would have never told me about it had I not found out. When I asked him why he did this, he told me that he has never had any desire whatsoever to cheat on me and it had not even crossed his mind. He ultimately told me that the texts were a function of him seeking validation and attention and that even if she had said yes, he would not have met up to catch up with her at a hotel. He said there was one other instance in the past where he had flirted with a girl he knew at a bar by buying each other drinks and exchanging banter, where again, nothing beyond that happened.

He said that now that he has realized that he has an issue with attention seeking behaviour and seeking validation, it would be very easy for him to never do this again and that it would be something he would be able to stop immediately. For context, he has always had an extremely flirtatious, outgoing personality--one of the things I actually loved about him.

Prior to this, we have had one major fight in the past due to his issues with anger management. Little disagreements would get blown out of proportion on his end, and escalate into larger fights. I hated this, raised it with him, he realized he had an issue, and vowed to fix it for the sake of our relationship. He enrolled himself in anger management therapy classes and since then (about a year and a half ago), we have had no fights at all and this has never come up as an issue again. He assures me that that was something that was a lot harder to change about himself than resolving to never be inappropriate with another female again. He also said that I am more than enough for him and he is prepared to wait for me and work on himself to earn me back.
We have separated for the time being as I need time to think. For one, regardless of whether he planned to actually physically cheat on me or not, this was a betrayal of my trust and painful and embarrassing for me to deal with. On the other hand, to his credit, the one issue we had dealt with in our relationship has been resolved. There was so much good in our relationship and he truly made me feel so happy.

I understand that if I do forgive, he will have to work on earning my trust and things will still probably never be the same.

What should I do?

May edit this post with additional details that I feel could be relevant.

Underserving posted 7/6/2020 15:11 PM

I’m not going to say anything you will want to hear, but girl... run! He has already shown you he is morally flawed and willing to cross boundaries. You get to see this side of him before being bound legally in marriage, and before children. Those aspects make everything so much harder, and I’d hate for you to end up in the same situation a few years down the road kicking yourself for not getting out now.

You deserve a partner who is emotionally and mentally healthy. You deserve a partner who is faithful and honest. Don’t settle because of feelings. You can have those again with someone who actually deserves them and are genuinely reciprocated. Hugs!

Cooley2here posted 7/6/2020 15:22 PM

What i read in your description is that he has been interested in her and slowly groomed her to take the next step. Unfortunately for him she never saw him as anything but a friend. Why are you and she still on the outs? I am so glad she told other people what he did. You have some human angels looking after you. Make up with your friend and drop the boyfriend.

Booyah posted 7/6/2020 16:05 PM

"He said...."?

Who gives a damn what he says....he's full of shit.

He's shown you who he is believe him!!

The1stWife posted 7/6/2020 16:32 PM

So he was going to meet her but not have sex? ROFLMAO 🤣

His intent was to have sex if she would have gone along with it. He’s lying to himself and you.

I can share this with you. I know about 10-15 people who were cheated on by their BF/GF or fiancée/fiancé. Unfortunately they chose to forgive and marry the cheater. And they were cheated on during the marriage. Some were serial cheaters and others were occasional cheaters.

Point is they were all cheated on more than once during the marriage.

I hope this helps you decide.

steadychevy posted 7/6/2020 17:31 PM

I was cheated on by my GF who became my fiancé who became my wife who became my WW and is now my XWW. She cheated on me while engaged. I didn't know about the ONS when we were talking seriously about a life together until after DDay1. It's one of the other DDays.

She cheated on the only other boyfriend she had before me. They had broken up before we dated. Oh, but she cheated on me with him. Just went on a date. Rugsweep.

In the 25th year of our marriage she started an LTA with a COW. I found out several years later. Now I'm 69, D, with a lot fewer assets and living alone. Probably forever.

When there are red flags, run. Don't ignore. You are not tied with children, mortgage, intermingled assets, etc. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. Don't end up like many of us here. Red flags early in a relationship provide a warning. Heed them.

Lost2760 posted 7/6/2020 18:42 PM

He says that he would have not met up with her but the fact that he even asked is ridiculous. It seems to me the only reason he didn’t follow through was because she turned him down. There’s a fine line between needing validation and cheating and I feel like the fact he asked to meet up meant ever intention of meeting up with her if she would have agreed. That’s not validation or attention seeking that’s explicit intentions. That’s just my opinion

allusions posted 7/6/2020 18:47 PM

He had ulterior motives. Wanting to meet up with her at a hotel is certainly not the same as meeting up someplace more innocent like at a coffee shop. A hotel has obvious sexual connotations. He tried to draw her into a conspiracy with the request for secrecy and how he thought it would be hot to meet without you knowing.

Flirting is not appropriate in a committed relationship and it's one great, big, red flag. Secrecy and meeting other women without your knowledge is another problem. My advice is to let him go. These aren't small mistakes he's made, but huge ones which are indications of trouble down the road.

cannotforgive posted 7/7/2020 03:13 AM

Run, do not waste your time on somebody who will never make you feel safe.

Tormented posted 7/8/2020 21:50 PM

DUMP HIM, run and never look bad.

If he’s cheating now, what do you think will happen when you are married and have stressors, or you get into a rut?

Don’t waste your time. Plenty of fish in the sea.

The1stWife posted 7/8/2020 22:00 PM

He says “he wasn’t going to meet her”.

His actions shows that he absolutely would have met up with her at a hotel.

Otherwise he would not have chosen a hotel as a meeting place.

Would he like to re-think that answer b/c it’s so ludicrous and no one is buying any of it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:32 AM, July 9th (Thursday)]

Rockeater posted 7/11/2020 15:52 PM

How bad is (or was) the anger issue? Was he explosive? If so, this overshadows his philandering imo.

Hurtmyheart posted 7/11/2020 17:03 PM

Keep reading on here because this is your future if something doesn't change. And if it hurts you now, think about what it may feel like several years down the line after marriage, a house, kid's, bill's, etc. Trust us when we tell you that infidelity is not an easy road.

Your BF has already given you a taste of what it feels like to be cheated on. My deceased WH was the same before we married and I chose to get upset then rugswept his unfaithful behaviors. And look where I'm at today?

Besides his death, his wayward ways were the worst pain I've ever experienced.

Stinger posted 7/11/2020 17:26 PM

You are too smart to believe this idiotic explanation. So, not only was he trying to meet her and have sex( hotel, right. Don't you, often, look to meet to talk as friends at a hotel?), but he, apparently thinks very little of your intelligence.
Run.

The1stWife posted 7/11/2020 19:57 PM

Anger issues = run away very fast!!!!

Hedwig posted 7/12/2020 06:53 AM

Let me ask you a couple of questions, maybe it will help you get a better picture of the situation you're in.

Have you ever had a sinking gut-feeling when he was flirting with another woman?

Why do you love the being extremely flirtatious part of his character?
Is it a "he could have anyone but he is choosing me" type of thing?

Is he a people pleaser?

Do you know how he resolved the anger issue, have you talked about it with him?

How do you guys resolve disagreements now?

How is he going to work on the external validation seeking part? What steps has he taken so far?

Would you say he drinks a lot?

And lastly: did the falling out with this friend have anything to do with your boyfriends behaviour in the past?

[This message edited by Hedwig at 6:54 AM, July 12th (Sunday)]

Bigger posted 7/13/2020 08:39 AM

I’m beginning to fear you will be one of the numerous one-post-members. I think often that’s because you came here expecting to find help in how to move your relationship along, and instead you got help in how to move YOU along.

I want you to focus on one factor:
Why did he want to meet at a hotel?
Why not a coffee-shop or park or for a walk or whatever.
When is the last time you went with a friend to a hotel-room to chat?
I can share that I have never gone with a friend (male or female) and rented a hotel-room simply to talk. Heck… Other than with my wife I haven’t even ever rented a room for sex…

So the very statement he gave you that he didn’t intend for anything to happen… it’s a lie.

And that is the crux. The main fault. The main issue.

If your BF had told you that this was a terrible decision and that if she had accepted then he had every intention of having sex. Well… that level of honesty would be seen in a positive light. His insistence of minimizing and lying is what makes this extremely bad.

BluerThanBlue posted 7/13/2020 11:37 AM

He wanted to fuck your former friend. He thought she was safe to proposition since you’re no longer on good terms, but stupid man that he is, didn’t think she would tell anyone else.

My guess is that this is the first cockroach you’ve actually seen... and if you know anything about cockroaches, there’s never just one.

I also think it’s shady as hell that he was friends with and texting someone with whom you are on the outs. At the very least, it shows that he doesn’t really see himself and you as a unit and isn’t bothered by people who disrespect you.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:39 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

tushnurse posted 7/13/2020 13:06 PM

Oh honey.....
He has anger issues, and thought he was smarter than everyone and would get away w/ this BS, and had a very "real" and valid reason why....
Please read up on narcissistic people. This man is dangerous. He makes you feel special and important, and over the moon but then he pulls shit like this.... uh uh. He is dangerous. Very dangerous.

Run. You are very young. Try working through this shit show again in 5 years, when you are married, have a mortgage and 2 babies. Don't do it. No man is worth it. If you feel otherwise consider some IC for you to figure out why you would be willing to stay w/ someone who acts out in anger and would willingly knowingly cheat on you.
Last thought.... stop listening to his words, and start watching his actions.

Chaos posted 7/15/2020 13:48 PM

Boyfriend - RUN. Then block him in every possible way.

NO - you can't be friends
NO - you can't just talk
NO NO NO.

Don't look back.

And please. IDGAF what he says, get tested for STIs.