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I have tried everything I read on SI, now what can I do?

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ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/21/2020 08:19 AM

What I am hearing is a LOT about him...but what about YOU???

I know I should remember that despite all the damage and pain I went through, he proved to be selfish. Perhaps it should be the first thing I should remember about him.

One of 3 things will happen: 1) He leaves you eventually (for the OW or otherwise); 2) This continues indefinitely - he sees the current OW on the side, or finds another one, and just keeps you in limbo forever and you keep hoping and waiting and wondering - and there is no guarantee he will ever stop or that he will not do it again, because the one thing you have shown him is that you will stick around no matter what he does; or 3) you take control leave/kick him out/remove him from your life and you move forward without him (or with him if you choose to AND he changes). That's it.

So, two of those choices you leave the decision-making up to him: he gets to choose to leave or he gets to choose to continue his A until he's done with it (or carry on with it forever). In those two options YOU HAVE NO CHOICE - YOU ARE WAITING FOR SOMEONE ELSE BEFORE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. STOP IT NOW!

Option 3 is that you make a choice. No, you do not know what will happen at that point, but what you will have done is show him that you value YOU - that YOU are important. You may tell yourself that the time he spends with you and the words he says shows that he does think you are important - but really? Important enough to string you along but not important enough to stop hurting you today. Not important enough to look at what happened and recognize that hurt and never want to do it again. What he is showing you is that your hurt and your pain is not as important as him doing whatever he wants to do. He is pushing you into a fire everyday, burning you a little more each day, and then helping you dress the wounds, and then turning around and doing it again.

STOP LETTING HIM!!!

I know it is hard to do, but when you reach that point, things will change and you will feel better a LOT faster than you thought. Limbo is PAIN AND MISERY every single day. Making a choice, and having some direction feels better, because how can it not - you feel better because you are looking out for you.

Do it now - what do you have to lose? The shit-show that you are living now? I lived like that (not an active A that I knew about but an active A coupled with false R and being a detective etc for a year) and there is NO amount of money in the world that would make me go back to that - none - and my WH and I are still on speaking terms - still live in the same house (for a few more months) but it's different. Now, after 2.5 years of putting me through that crap he wants to do anything to "save" us and appears to mean it - he has been in therapy for 2 years, and his behaviors have changed - not just his words - and had you asked me on d-day1 how I would have felt if he had said that I would have been so happy - now it's not enough. Things have changed for ME - I am in control, not of him, but of my own life, and that feels SO GOOD. You will feel the same way too eventually but you have to take the first step.

I am not one to tell people what to do on here very much, but your situation screams out to me that you need to kick him out now, stay strong, and let the chips fall as they may. What you are living like right now is hell of the highest order - respect yourself and get out of it.

***Also, it's true - until you respect yourself the chances of him TRULY respecting you are very very very slim. So in reality, you are helping him disrespect you every day. I beg you to stop.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:10 PM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

StillLivin posted 7/22/2020 23:51 PM

As long as he is cheating, you are not his priority.
Right now, you have NOTHING to work with. File. If he gets his head out of his ass, you can pull the paperwork. If the divorce goes through, he can still re date you and re marry you.
Quit wasting headspace wondering why he does what he does. Start focusing on why the hell you haven't left him and filed already.
As a matter of a fact, quit listening to anything he says. Watch his actions. Actions never lie.
If the OW gets him, then good fucking riddance. If he can't see your worth, then its plain and simple that he just doesn't deserve you anyway. FTN!

susielee posted 7/23/2020 11:25 AM

Aussie, I just read your comment of "she loves it atm" I was confused and thought you meant his atm card. I then realized it meant "at the moment". However, I wonder if also she really does love his ATM, my guess is she is getting money and gifts.

Just got a kick out of how it was worded. You are right, when reality hits, it will wreak havoc on the sparkly romance.

heartbrokeninNC posted 7/23/2020 11:27 AM

Whatisnow, I'm so sorry that you are in this position, and like everyone says this is the best worst club to be a part of. Listen to what is being said, take a bit here and a bit there as it pertains to you. Your first priority is to get out of the infidelity because right now you are still living in the past or what I like to say as the "Ghost of Marriage Past". WH does not care about how you are feeling as long as he can get his high, which is the OW. For all intents and purposes, he is an addict looking for his next fix of OW.

I went down the same path as you almost. Tried to make myself more appealing to WW but in the long run, she was still talking with POSOM. WW was making me do all the work while she sat back and watched while probably giving a play by play to the POSOM. She got a high off of this also. Knowing this was soul-crushing, this is some of the worst pain I've ever felt and just rubbed salt into the wound of betrayal. I do not want you to go down the same road as me.

It was only after catching WW in the act again that I told myself it was over and prepared for D, no more being a doormat. I was pissed and mad but made the resolution then and there to never have this happen to me again but you need to decide quickly. You have to be willing to stand up for yourself and thanks to folks here for taking me to the woodshed so I could see the light through some tough love.

Actively getting out of infidelity now and to tell you the truth, it feels fucking great. WW was served two weeks ago. You have to be willing to stand up for yourself and yell to the world that you're not going to take this anymore. Start working on yourself, do what you want to do. Actively pull back!!! If your H was such a great man he wouldn't be abusing and stringing you along like he is.

WH is nothing more than pond scum on the heel of humanity.

WhatisnowNew posted 7/28/2020 18:47 PM

Hi everyone,
This is Whatisnow. I couldnít remember my password and the email I thought Iíd used while registering was incorrect. Not sure what happened but the admin told me to register again, so I am WhatisnowNew.
I read all your feedback and thank you for taking time to respond. One thing that hit me was the self-respect you are all talking about. I realise that in my interaction with strangers, I can stand up for myself just fine. When the disrespect comes from my inner circle, or in that case a spouse, I am more flexible, I give time, I wait but they can see it as a weakness or manipulate it even involuntarily.
I am dealing with a ďniceĒ husband. Calm and soft spoken. It is so easy to be tricked by such a personality. I told him we will separate on good terms and then weíll see what happens, and he doesnít want to go. Really interesting. I donít even see him or hear from him entire day, I pulled myself back long ago. I make myself unavailable to him often. What kind of a cake eating is this?
I asked him to leave the house. He looked so sad!! that I hadít seen him like this all these months. Funny! He is now pretending as if I said nothing. He is trying me but I am like a stone. The more stubborn I am, the more flexible he gets.
I know he can do anything to trick me and have his side dish. I will not play this game any longer.

[This message edited by WhatisnowNew at 6:48 PM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

ChamomileTea posted 7/30/2020 13:27 PM

Sorry, I missed this when you posted it a few days ago. So, what's happening now? Have you kicked him to the curb yet?

WhatisnowNew posted 7/30/2020 16:28 PM

ChamomileTea, thank you for your response.
He seems to be one of those people who resists to leave! I politely told him to get his stuff and leave, and I went to my room. I donít see him entire day and I come home late. There he is waiting for me telling me the same BS over and over again; he started to remember how much he loves me, he knows that he is very selfish, he has been regretting everything he did, he wanted to forget about his love to me to do these, but now all his feelings to me are coming back again blah blah. I donít respond and tell him I want him out. He says okay but then again, same story repeats. This has been going on for a couple days.
I donít want to leave because I am sick and tired of him messing with my life. He is the one who needs to go. I told him I will call his brother so that he can help pack his stuff. This is ridiculous, I am telling him I will do great without him, so no need to feel guilty and he can go live his life. He tells me he doesnít want to live that life. He has been on the fence for months and now suddenly he is facing the consequences and apparently he doesnít like that.
One solution I could think of was I can stay with a friend and not come back home until he has left. I am really annoyed by this whole thing. I already talked to a lawyer but I donít want to deal with those divorce papers right now. I already have so much going on in my life that at the moment I just want to separate from him, NC with him, relax and think about the next step.

[This message edited by WhatisnowNew at 4:37 PM, July 30th (Thursday)]

ChamomileTea posted 7/30/2020 17:11 PM

So, during all this wailing about how much he loves you and how he doesn't want to go, did he mention if he's still seeing his girlfriend? Your posts on this go back for over a month, and you had been dealing with this shit from him for five months before that. He's been jerking you around for SIX months now, cheating for well over a YEAR. I think you're well within your rights to be utterly fed up with him at this point.

You can't legally change the locks, but yes... your sure as hell can call his family members, tell them what's going on, and ask for their intervention. You can FILE FOR DIVORCE, even though it's a pain in the ass to have to do, and you can file a motion for exclusive use of the home while you're at it. You can contact his fucking girlfriend and tell her that he's begging you to stay. You can out him as an adulterer on your facebook. There are LOTS of things you can do to make his ass uncomfortable enough to leave. You could start as simple as telling him what an asshole he is and that you wouldn't take him back if he were the last man on earth.

You've been so nice, so easy to get along with. Frankly, there's no impetus for him to do anything different. He's not uncomfortable. He's got what he wants. Wife at home, reputation intact, girlfriend on the side. Why would he change?

Notmine posted 7/30/2020 17:37 PM

Be careful of leaving the home. There can be legal ramifications to that.

You can FILE FOR DIVORCE, even though it's a pain in the ass to have to do, and you can file a motion for exclusive use of the home while you're at it

THIS ^^^^^^^^ You do not have to go through with the divorce if things change, but it might get him to move his ass.

As ChamomileTea said, he is comfortable. He does not want his cake eating to end.

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