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I have tried everything I read on SI, now what can I do?

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aussiemel posted 6/24/2020 21:59 PM

Yes, I put him before myself in many cases and it is a difficult habit to break

I understand this Whatisnow, I have been guilty of it myself in the past. But trust me, you need to look after YOU. Do not, look out for him. He will continue to manipulate you if you let him.

He looks in pain

I'm sure he is, poor him. He's in pain because he was caught. He is feeling sorry for himself. This is not remorse, it's regret. Poor me, poor me.

When you are old and frail, do you want to look back on your life and think, "Wow. I wasted all my time and dreams on a man who didn't deserve it and treated me like crap for years. What was I thinking?"
I am using this as my new mantra, a reminder to myself that I deserve better! And you deserve better too, much better xx

Whatisnow posted 6/25/2020 01:42 AM

I feel that my decision to leave will give so much pleasure to the other person. Id hate to think that way. Please help me manage these thoughts..

aussiemel posted 6/25/2020 04:12 AM

Hey Whatisnow,

I am still living with my WH, d-day 2 was only a couple of weeks ago but I'm going to leave. I just need to get some financial stuff in order first - I'm telling him nothing.

Something that I haven't admitted to anyone - he is going to have great pleasure in me leaving (to begin with). Once he sees me gone and can do what he likes, he'll think it's great.

Until reality kicks in and he realizes that there is no one here to do washing or cooking etc.

That is what it will be like for your WH's affair partner. She isn't banking on having to do everything for him. Wait until she has to wash his jocks and socks and put dinner on the table every night! Do you think she'll have pleasure in that?

No, she won't have considered any of that! She is young and naive and reality is going to hit her really hard. She loves it atm because she isn't dealing with all his shit. He brings his troubles back to your house, she is ignorant!!

Please look after yourself :)
Trust me, karma will hit her much sooner than what you imagine.

Keep talking, I am/we are all here to listen to you and help if we can xx

Babette2008 posted 6/25/2020 06:02 AM

I feel that my decision to leave will give so much pleasure to the other person. Id hate to think that way. Please help me manage these thoughts..

A cheating person is no prize. My H and I are R, but the person he was during his As was a weak, selfish person. He has changed alot, through alot of hard work. But had he left me for his last AP he wouldn't have changed at all.

Your H is still just thinking about himself and what will make him feel good. That kind of thinking means that when times are tough he can't be relied on. That's what the other woman will be getting. Plus she already knows he's a cheater and he knows that about her. So how much trust will they have in each other? If you leave him she isn't winning anything, you are choosing to place your trust in someone who is trustworthy.

[This message edited by Babette2008 at 6:03 AM, June 25th (Thursday)]

ChamomileTea posted 6/25/2020 06:03 AM

I feel that my decision to leave will give so much pleasure to the other person. Id hate to think that way. Please help me manage these thoughts..

Okay. It's not going to sound very nice, but feed this into your memory banks...
When two women fight over a turd... the loser is the one who gets it.

We don't compete with OW. OW are a lesser species, undeserving of our attention. And boy howdy, do they love attention. Spend a little time thinking about how desperate and how pathetic you have to be in order to think that a married man is the best you can do.

There is no competition if you refuse to engage. The affair partners set us up as some unwitting hypotenuse which makes their own interaction so much more exciting. We become nothing more than fuel for their egomaniacal fantasies. But just like when you kick out the third leg of a stool,
instability arises when you REFUSE to compete. You have nothing to lose that's not already lost. You thought you had a good man. Well, a good man won't cheat without a gun to his head, so.. NOT a good man. And if he's not willing to make the real and necessary changes to correct his broken character, he's never going to be a good man.

Right now, you're looking for ways to make your WS clean up his act and come back to the marriage. You're trying to control the outcome. But there's only what is and what isn't. You can't control anyone other than yourself. "What is" is that you have a cheating man who has made you into an unwitting hypotenuse. He could change that behavior at any time, but... he doesn't WANT to. There's no more in depth explanation that that. He doesn't want to.

Without change, your WH is just another garden-variety cheater, a turd in the punchbowl of life. Are you really willing to do 10 rounds of bare-breasted mud-wresting over him? Think about it.

Babette2008 posted 6/25/2020 06:06 AM

What she said

Babette2008 posted 6/25/2020 06:06 AM

One of my early revenge fantasies when I was angry at my H was that he ended up with the loser he was seeing

[This message edited by Babette2008 at 6:07 AM, June 25th (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 6/25/2020 13:19 PM

Win - first welcome, and understand that we know how much pain you are in, and how lost and confused you are.

Now let's get real. Your H has a girlfriend, and you are tolerating it. I'm not Pro D or Pro R, but what I am is Pro getting out of infidelity, Pro self respect.

What is going on that you want to stay w/ a man that is keeping you as a back up plan?

What is going on that you accept that won't leave you? If the OW was offering him $$ and place to stay would he leave?

One of the things in the early days after Dday that allowed me to find my voice and have enough was understanding that I was allowing him to disrespect me, and being a doormat.
You cannot force another person to do anything they aren't willing to do, but you sure as hell can make life a whole lot more uncomfortable for that person that isn't giving you the respect that you deserve.

So to answer your question about what can you do?

1. Demand he stop immediately.
2. File for divorce.
3. kick him out

You will not save your M trying to nice him back or wait him out, and if you do manage to wait it out, that doesn't mean that you will have a successful R until he is willing to own what he has done, and get to his whys.

In the meantime you need to focus on you and your well being and waiting it out is a soul sucking, self esteem destroying experience. Don't you deserve better?? I think you do.

Whatisnow posted 6/25/2020 13:34 PM

Thank you all. I am in much pain but your messages give me strength.
I am having a hard time with the whole thing especially because contary to what he is doing right now, he is not a bad person at all. Everyone he talks to loves him; coworkers, relatives, friends, neighbours. He is kind and humble, a hard working, intellectual person. If he has $10 left in his bank account, he would be happy to give it to someone in more need.
I wish I could say he is a horrible person, and I am glad he is gone! Thats the reason I am having a hard time leaving.

I know I should remember that despite all the damage and pain I went through, he proved to be selfish. Perhaps it should be the first thing I should remember about him.

gmc94 posted 6/25/2020 13:40 PM

I feel that my decision to leave will give so much pleasure to the other person.
An SI member has something like this as her tagline:

"bitch, please, a good man can't be stolen"

And it's the effing truth.

I had the same feelings you are having...I really just couldn't understand how my WH could do such a thing! He was always a good provider, the volleyball coach, the guy on the local boards, the always helpful guy, the "good guy" (according to everyone in our social circle), the one who cooked and did laundry/dishes. The one who would stop at the store for ice cream just because. That kind of thing. He is a people pleaser. As Brene Brown would put it - "hustling for his worth". I remember once writing something like: "how could I not see the wolf behind all those clean dishes?" But underneath that veneer of "good guy" is a very broken person. A man who is so skilled at compartmentalizing it boggles the mind. A man who can simply put his wife and kids and M into a box while f*cking his girlfriend.

It's not a competition with the OW.

It's about regaining your self worth and respect.

because, at the end of the day, "a good man can't be stolen".

Zaksmummy posted 6/25/2020 16:00 PM

Hi Whatisnow

I was in a similar position to you. My WH would not give up the AP. Oh he promised he would and sent the NC message so many times. But each time I found out he was still in contact. In total, he left and returned 7 times for false R. The last time he returned was after being with the AP for 3 weeks. He returned to his family and promised NC. He stayed for 2 weeks until I found out he was still in contact. So he left last weekend for the 8th time. Kicking him out was very hard even after all of that because I love him. But I couldnt live like that with a 3rd person polluting my M. If I had my time over again, I would not have taken him back each time. It hurts to know that he was never truly wanting R. If your WH was serious about R he would give up AP. Hes showing you, as my WH was, that you can still have your M but only if you can accept your H having a girlfriend. No. You cannot do that, it will destroy you. I feel your pain because Im right there in it with you. You deserve better than this. ((Hugs))

ChamomileTea posted 6/25/2020 16:05 PM

....contary to what he is doing right now, he is not a bad person at all. Everyone he talks to loves him; coworkers, relatives, friends, neighbours. He is kind and humble, a hard working, intellectual person.

...who stabbed his wife in the back.

People are only as nice as their actions. Your WH could stop cheating on you any time he wants. It takes no effort at all, in fact... it's a non-effort. It's the absence of an action, requiring no energy output at all. He just doesn't want to.

He's "kind and humble", but he cheats on his wife.
He's "hard-working", but he cheats on his wife.
He's "intellectual", but he cheats on his wife.

Do you see how that works? Cheating is another form of abuse, so... "Everyone loves him", but he ABUSES his wife." It's the actions which matter.

Whatisnow posted 6/25/2020 17:04 PM

Thank you all. I keep looking at SI every 5 minutes to see if I have more messages. I cannot tell you how much it helps me, so thank you all for helping me.

heartbroken_kk posted 6/25/2020 17:44 PM

Chamomile Tea said it well, let me take another stab at it.

I THOUGHT HE WAS not a bad person at all.

IT USED TO BE THAT Everyone he talkED to loveD him; coworkers, relatives, friends, neighbours. WE WERE ALL FOOLED BY HIS FAKE PERSONA



heartbroken_kk posted 6/25/2020 17:57 PM

One of the hardest things about discovering your husband is cheating on you is that he looks like the same person you knew. You are used to believing the words that come out of his mouth. All of your reactions are habitual at this point and it's as hard giving him up as it is to quit smoking. And it's just as dangerous to your health to not take charge of YOUR behavior and quit repeating the same patterns of thought in your head, quit behaving as if you are married to a loyal person, quit planning your future with him.

You have to do all this because it's the pathway to healing and happiness, and it's being forced on you and you don't want it. That's why it hurts so much.

I agree with the others, your WH is still having an affair. He's cake eating, and you are letting him have both of you at the same time.

Keeping this marriage is not winning anything. This man has hurt you and he doesn't want to stop it. You staying ambivalent allows it to continue.

Even if he stops is affair with this woman, you are still left with a man who lies, cheats, and squanders marital assets in secret on somebody else. If you knew this about him and were single you'd never date him!

Take control of this situation. Do things to actively get out of infidelity, the things that YOU can control.

Make appointments with 3 lawyers for initial consultation. Meet with all three, learn their approaches to divorce and what they believe they can get for you. Pick the one you like best and FILE FOR DIVORCE. Have your cheating husband served with the papers. Start talking about how you are going to divide your assets and separate. Put an action plan into effect.

GET PHYSICAL SEPARATION FROM HIM. Get your own space set up and breathe. Stay separated for at least 6 months and watch what he does. If he continues to act like a spoiled brat, divorce him. If he does 100% of all the right things you can reconsider and start discussing reconciliation then, but pull it off the table right now and for the next 6 months. Close the bakery. Be willing and ready to end the marriage. PROVE you are willing to end the marriage. Maybe he will turn his life around. Remember you cannot force him to do that, but you can control yourself and plot your own future.

The1stWife posted 6/26/2020 05:58 AM

I am sorry you are in this boat and suffering from infidelity. We all know how painful it is. You will survive this. We all do.

You have done so many things well as the betrayed spouse - better than I did. But yet hes still cheating. And stringing you along. Re-read my earlier post. And others.

Your immediate goal is to get out from living with him and his infidelity. He either ends ALL contact or he cannot live or have contact with you. Period. No waffling. No more chances. No more time.

You cannot make him end the affair. You cannot fix him. You cannot get him to see what hes giving up if he leaves you. He has to come to those realizations in his own. I wasted 6 months allowing my H to continue us to lie, disrespect and cheat on me. I thought I could fix everything and make him see we had a good marriage.

I also spent those 6 months getting my plan B or exit plan together. Just in case. Good thing I did because I did need it at dday2.

I suggest you have your own counselor to support you. You meet with an attorney to understand the divorce laws and what you will get in terms of alimony and child support. Speak with a mediator as well. Get your support team together - friends, family, minister or clergy if you are religious. Get money in your own name in an account he doesnt have access to. Gather any and all financial documents or copies of documents Like financial statements and tax returns.

Just in case.

Because you may decide one day youve had enough of being strung along and you will tell him to get out and /or you will stand up to him.

Best thing I ever did was tell my B I was D him! Restored my power and self esteem in one fell swoop. To this day I regret being a doormat. And Im not any longer.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:59 AM, June 26th (Friday)]

susielee posted 7/19/2020 19:47 PM

"Its time for him to pick one. You and your marriage or OW. If he stalls or tries to negotiate then you look him in the eye and tell him thank you for choosing the OW. And leave the room. No further discussion necessary. "

This is absolutely how it should go down. If not I can guarantee you you are being used. He is still needing time to get his ducks in a row. He may also be running up debts that you will have to help pay off. Take stock of your finances. A legal separation, at least in the state I was divorced in makes each partner responsible for their own debts incurred after the date of separation.

I found out after my legal separation that he had used a couple of our joint credit cards to buy stuff for his schmoopie and her three big azz teenagers.

It worked out because he agreed to pay off all marital debts, because he in fact incurred them. His hiney was in a sling, because he had blown up his work place along with his marriage. (she was his direct report) So he was scrambling trying not to have a contested divorce. Also, I out lawyer-ed him.

You can always reconcile down the road if he straightens out. Hard as it is to think, he likely won't.

You deserve a fresh start, and not a life of worrying about a cheater.

pureheartkit posted 7/20/2020 07:54 AM

Yes, they should respond to kindness and generosity and make great changes. What if they don't? That was my situation too. I did not hav the bravery to kick him out. I moved into my sister's home and started classes and built my life into something I love now. Sometimes we talk. Sometimes I go over to see this supposed progress of his. Maybe if i had thrown him out he might have worked harder. He's had since Jan 2018. His dad passed away last week. Guess who called while I was over at our house? It was the OW. He said he'd call back later. I said still no boundaries, still wayward mindset. He said it over im working on myself. I said nothing. Drove home and cried.

It's up to them really. But something is up to you. Start now moving toward a better future for yourself. Don't live with him. I left my beautiful home and garden that I dearly loved. It was the only way for to be free of the stress of it. I waited and waited. I worked on myself. I would check in every week. He seemed very nice. I thought well maybe in time.

Now it's 2020. She still feels free to call.

If you want to try waiting you can but it didn't give good results in my case. I am sorry because you sound loving and fair minded. They just take advantage of it. We deserve more.

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 7:55 AM, July 20th (Monday)]

Notmine posted 7/21/2020 07:47 AM

Everyone he talks to loves him; coworkers, relatives, friends, neighbours. He is kind and humble, a hard working, intellectual person. If he has $10 left in his bank account, he would be happy to give it to someone in more need.

YOU are in need and he is not being kind or humble or giving to YOU, his WIFE. He may have the neighbors and coworkers fooled, but this is not the truth of who he is now. Take the rose colored glasses off and see him for who IS; a lying, cheating, weak man without integrity, who abuses and disrespects his kind and faithful wife by continuously choosing another woman and throwing the relationship in her face, while expecting her to be his plan B. If he was any sort of "kind" or "humble" adult, he would not torture you this way and manipulate you into staying in chaos and misery for his own gain. Would you do this to another human being? Even if you hated that person, would you put them through this?

This is no kind of life. If he cannot decide, you need to choose YOU. Despite all of his "angst", he is stringing you along. I am sure he IS torn, but he is not willing to do anything to change. Think about your future. Even if he left this woman today, could you be free of resentment, knowing that he treated you this way?

It is said on this site that you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. If saving it is what you want, you have to stand up for yourself. Cheaters do not respect weakness. They take full advantage of it in order to benefit from it. This is clearly what he is doing. File for divorce. You do not have to go through with it if things improve, but it sends the strong message that you are done taking his crap. He may stay or he may leave, but you will have chosen yourself first and gotten yourself out of this horrible, miserable situation.

contrary to what he is doing right now, he is not a bad person at all.

Yes, he is.

Butforthegrace posted 7/21/2020 07:53 AM

The title of this thread is incorrect. You haven't tried "everything" on SI, because SI is about only one thing: get yourself out of infidelity. You haven't tried that one thing yet.

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