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Telling my APís spouse

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MrsWalloped posted 3/30/2020 06:46 AM

My husband does not want to hurt the family, especially the children, but he also believes the wife has the right to know.

Hi! Iím curious, what have you told your husband about whether he should tell your AP? Has he asked you your opinion? What did you answer?

Do you think your husband is discussing this with you to see whether you might be protecting your AP or because you might still feel something for him? Or, to see if you are fully supporting your BH in whatever he chooses to do?

Bigger posted 3/30/2020 11:16 AM

Why now? You didnít really answer oldtruckís questions. Why now? What is your motivation?

You have admitted you had feelings for the OM for some time after the affair. What makes you want to tell his wife now?

gmc94 posted 3/30/2020 12:30 PM

It seems to me that while the WS/OP should have clarity about motivations to reveal for their own recovery, that does not negate the fact that the OBS should be told, and immediately. IOW, I don't give a fuck that my WH's girlfriend told me bc she was mad at my WH and telling me ensured that the A would end. What DOES matter is that she clued me in enough to learn the reality of my 20+ years with WH. Could she have been more gentle? yes. compassionate? absolutely. honest? You betcha. But those are ancillary issues. The meat of the matter is the A.... all the rest is gravy.

Again, ideally, the WS/OP would ask their BS to make the phone call (email, text, whatever) in order to ensure that empathy and compassion is shown to the OBS (it's not the OBS's fault their spouse had an A, any more than it is the fault of OP's BS).

Old truck's suggestion is spot on- provide the basics and a contact number for OP's BS:

state who you are, that my WW had an affair with your WH.
you realized this is a shock to you so i will just tell you the general details for now.

i will let you process this news, and here is my number if you have any questions, copies of proof, need more details about the affair call me.

Do it today.

ETA: And if your BH won't do it, then you do it. Using the same language as the quote from Old Truck above.... "my name is x, I had an sexual affair with your WH from x date to y date. I realize this is a shock, so I will give you general details for now. I understand you will need some time to process this information, so here is my contact info and I will answer any questions you may later have. While an apology from me may be meaningless, I am deeply sorry for the harm I have caused you and your family. "

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:36 PM, March 30th, 2020 (Monday)]

survrus posted 3/30/2020 15:04 PM

Your BH will not be the one hurting the family the OM already did, your BH will just be saving the OMW from some deadly disease and the kids from orphanhood.

survrus posted 3/30/2020 15:06 PM

How much I wish someone in the know had told me, now I wonder how many people who knew me and my W and OM1 knew.

[This message edited by survrus at 3:52 PM, March 30th (Monday)]

Chaos posted 3/30/2020 17:28 PM

Have your BS inform OBS and offer any evidence. OBS deserves the truth about their life. They are living a lie but donít know it.

As for fallout - that was risk assumption. There is and never will be a ďgood timeĒ.

Need2Do posted 3/31/2020 12:38 PM

Iím a cheater, and on the advice of my BH, I made contact with my apís spouse. I wrote her a letter, followed it up with a phone call and then met with her in person. Admitting the betrayal to her was as hard to do as it was facing my BH...what I mean is, it was damn hard to do, but you see who all you have hurt by your narcissistic selfishness if that makes sense...right now you see the pain you have caused your spouse and your family, but it goes beyond that...I donít have the words to say exactly how this impacted me, but I understood the gravity of what my affair did.
Your apís partner needs to know the truth, and so do you...

hikingout posted 3/31/2020 12:55 PM

The AP's wife in my situation knew before my husband. For whatever reason she chose not to reach out.

When I told my husband, I expected he would want to reach out to him or her or even both. He did not choose to do that in the end, and I didn't have a strong feeling on it either way.

If I were in your position, I think I would respect what my husband wants to do in the situation. If he chooses to reach out, then help him in any way you can. If he wants you to do anything, then do it. In my way of looking at it any new wayward who is pushing for the OBS to know likely has ulterior motives. Right now your main concern needs to be what your husband wants and needs. I agree with Mrs. Walloped that there may be some unconscious tests here, and you do have to have your husbands back 100%.

I don't disagree she deserves to know, She 100% does. I do not feel like it's the waywards role to decide unilaterally. We must respect and abide by our BS's wishes too. The feeling I have is No Contact means that the WS doesn't have contact with the AP's life, not without a request from your own BS. And we can't drag our BS into something they don't want to have in their life. Mine chose he wanted us to both be NC, and I think in the end he chose what worked best for him. You can present some of the good thoughts on this thread, but your #1 concern in this situation has to be your BS first.

gmc94 posted 3/31/2020 14:49 PM

I don't do it often, but on this one I absolutely disagree with HO. Unless the BS is adamantly opposed to telling OBS, it should be done. That is not the case here.

[My AP] begged my husband not to tell anything because it would tear his family apart and that he would tell her when the children are grown.

My husband does not want to hurt the family, especially the children, but he also believes the wife has the right to know.

Just bc your AP managed to snow your BH into not doing it does not mean it should not be done (and didn't we recently have a thread from a WH who managed to convince his BW not to tell OBH bc he still works with AP and it would be bad for the family biz?)

I may have already said this, but as a BS, I don't give a fuck that my WH's girlfriend told me to further her own ulterior motives. Not one bit. I don't like that she lied. Or that she did it in a way to cause the most possible hurt to me (despite her being a serial cheater, she was a BW when husband #3 left her for his AP, so it's not like she wasn't aware of the damage she was causing both during the A and with the disclosure). But I will still be FOREVER grateful for her telling me - even in the awful way she did it. I was already on the cusp of figuring it out, but she saved me time and self doubt - IOW, I was already on target to discover their communications w/in days of her telling me (just waiting to get alone with his computer w/o DD home from college, which was the day after AP reached out), but had I found only that, he still would have tried to talk his way out of it (just as he actually did WITH the info from the girlfriend) and I would have wondered if I was crazy and been gaslit for God knows how many more years (or decades) than I already had been.

I recognize I say this in hindsight, but if my WH had told BSO at the time of dday, even after I'd asked him not to (and if I told you the reason I'd be losing any anonymity I may have), that would have gone a helluva long way in regaining some respect for him. It would have shown that he had the humility and capacity to do the hard thing, but the right thing. Instead, I'm left with the sense that my WH does not have an ounce of compassion toward the man he also harmed by dropping his trousers.... makes it kind of hard to think he has an ounce of compassion towards me too.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:53 PM, March 31st, 2020 (Tuesday)]

WilliamM posted 3/31/2020 14:56 PM

BH here. Just wanted to share my two cents. He should be the one to dictate how this pays out. I totally agree with hikingout. Let him control how information is sent out. If he wants to support it. If he says no, support it. But it is he who should dictate how it should go. If you ask you your opinion, your opinion should be to encourage him to tell the AP's wife.

hikingout posted 3/31/2020 15:23 PM

I totally understand, and expected that there would be some disagreement in what I was saying. I gave that as perspective because it hadn't been given and it wasn't clear to me what the BS wanted to do by what she said. Most of the time the WS who come here are here to save their marriage. So, I would advocate prioritizing respecting the husband's wishes. I can understand that the motivation that the WS has for telling doesn't come into play for the OBS - but the reason I stated it was for her to evaluate if she was still protecting the AP in this situation or if she was seeking revenge. That tells a lot about the state of mind and what needs to be worked on...and it is for her to consider as she is talking to her BS about this. She needs to know he's looking for evidence that she is protecting him and searching out her state of mind.

I would never advocate that the WS have the BS consider what the AP wants in the situation. Or that the WS protect the AP. I only advocate that the WS does as William states, give him encouragement to tell as it's the right thing. But in the end you do have to take your BS's side. It's the only thing that a WS can do to start reparation of the marriage. So, she does need to monitor her motivations because her husband is certainly going to monitor them.

But, I 100% agree, any BS has a right to know, and if her BS wants to tell the OBS he should with her full encouragement and with whatever participation he stipulates for her. It's simply not her decision to make on her own, and that's the only part I was really trying to illuminate.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:26 PM, March 31st (Tuesday)]

Poppy704 posted 3/31/2020 15:44 PM

Any document that says a parent forfeits custody in the case of an affair will get laughed out of court. It is in the best interest of children to have a relationship with both of their parents and the courts give zero shits about what transpired between the adults that led to the divorce unless abuse or negligence can be proven

HellFire posted 3/31/2020 18:22 PM


Courts don't care that mommy was fucking someone else. They don't care that one parent risked the life of the other parent. They don't care that the kids missed out on time with the cheating parent. They dont care that mommy, or daddy, chose to neglect them, in favor of spending time with an AP.They don't care that family money went to gifts,hotel rooms,etc, with the AP. They don't care that the cheating parent wasn't fully present during the time of the affair. Courts don't recognize an affair as a form of extreme abuse,and neglect.

In the case of divorce, they don't care if the cheating spouse is in a now legitimate relationship with their side piece. It will be encouraged, and enforced, that the BS nurture a relationship between their kids, and the person who helped destroy their world.

It's unfair. And just more of the shit sandwich, and abuse, heaped upon a BS.

gmc94 posted 3/31/2020 19:09 PM

So Bubba78 - what's happened?

Stinger posted 3/31/2020 20:45 PM

I cannot agree that one should accede to the BS's wishes re informing. I understand the sentiment to defer to the BS in an effort to show support and contrition etc.
Nevertheless, the fact remains that depriving the other BS of this information has a huge adverse effect on that BS.
The most obvious,as has been mentioned, is the STD exposure(sure you cheater may claim this the only incidence of cheating. But, as we know, they lie like crazy and the vast majority of affairs go undetected forever.)
The incubation time for some of these STDs can be months, so relying on your Cheater's initial clean result could prove dangerous to the other BS. What if a follow up test comes back positive and in the interim the other BS has had relations with his or her cheater?
And, equally, if not more important is the fact that you may be contributing to one of the most egregious aspect of an affair, the theft of a BS's time. Relying on his or her spouse's claimed adherence to the vows, the BS may be forgoing all types of opportunities for a better life with a more honorable person other than a cheater. 50 years down the road, having dissipated any opportunities, how will he or she feel if this comes out.
IMO, cheaters are less than ideal spouses in many other areas than just fidelity. Their selfishness,lack of integrity, lack of empathy spills over into most of their interactions and relationships.
Knowing one is involved with a cheater may be the impetus to get out of a relationship that a BS was clinging to despite other forms of abuse that cheaters,typically, bring to a relationship.
Again, I acknowledge the valid desire to abide by the BS's wishes in this area. But, I would really try my best to persuade him or her to do the right thing. Failure to do so involves such incredible stakes.

hikingout posted 3/31/2020 21:50 PM

Again, I have stated plainly that she should encourage him to tell. It is the right thing. The nuance here is she needs to be aware of why she feels thatís important. The key factors of my point was that 1) she needs to make sure her head is on straight as to why she encourages it because the BS will evaluate everything at this time. She canít protect the AP nor can she be for revenge. Both would point to strong feelings towards AP. She needs to be black and white in her thinking and there have been great things in this thread she can point out in her reasoning. And 2) prioritizing your own spouse is not saying there isnít responsibility to the other side of the equation. But if her goal is reconciliation, and I assume it is, then what her husband needs has to come first. And that means even above her own wishes whatever those might be.

I can understand the advocating for the OBS, but contact does not always prove to be a positive thing experience for the BS. Itís ultimately up to the bs whether they want to keep the door closed. For the ws it is also up to them but deciding not to go with NC is a sure fire way to divorce. I can tell you no scenario in which it would have been okay with my husband for me to contact the obs out of my own feelings of obligation. He would have felt I was insinuating myself into their lives for my own purposes. If I were to step forward without our alignment of it, that would have been another betrayal and one that likely would have taken R off the table.

In my case, I know for a fact the AP had multiple other affairs, including one long term one. I told my husband that someone should tell her that. He felt by me saying that I had secret wishes to break up the marriage so I could ultimately get together with the AP. That was not the case but it was not an easy thing to navigate away from at that time...as it was early days of shock and horror. The decision is not an easy one for sure but it has to be agreed on together. Matters of health are a good one to point out.

Stinger posted 3/31/2020 23:59 PM

We will have to agree to disagree. I understand that a cheater that is remorseful and desirous of reconciliation may be jeopardizing that goal by not asserting to his or her BS's wishes on this. But, for both health reasons and to allow the other BS self determination, that B S is owed the truth.
This is the cost of cheating, the risk a cheater takes and having experienced all that fun,excitement and pleasure at others' expense, a cheater may have to take action to minimize the damage done to the other BS, even if it jeopardizes reconciliation( how's that for a run on sentence?).
Sucks, I guess, but the cheater made this bed.

Stinger posted 4/1/2020 00:03 AM

Assenting, not asserting. Auto correct error.

Zugzwang posted 4/3/2020 09:31 AM

We must respect and abide by our BS's wishes too.

I couldn't disagree more. Reconciling is NOT just about saving the marriage! I REPEAT It is NOT just about saving the marriage! You just don't blindly do what the BS wants if what they want is the wrong thing to do in building yourself into a good person of integrity and honor. You still need to do what is the right thing to do. IMO, telling. You can not rebuild a healthy marriage while you remain unhealthy. If you know that telling is the right thing and another step in becoming a honest truthful person, then do it if he will not. Explain that you want to respect his wishes, yet you know that her being informed is the right step and you want to become a better person.

There is no marriage while the WS stays dishonest and wrong. This forum isn't about R the marriage. This is for the waywards. To build themselves into someone worth being happy with themselves. There is a separate forum for R. So, I will always advice what you need to do to become someone you are proud of and can love.

This is your affair. Your mess. You are the one that hurt her family. You need to take responsibility for that. This just isn't a BS decision or issue to me. You will be the one to live with this for the rest of your life. What you did with her husband. How you affected her life. Not your BS. IMO this is a unilateral decision. Your husband has nothing to do with it because he isn't the one that fucked her family over.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 9:34 AM, April 3rd (Friday)]

Zugzwang posted 4/3/2020 09:40 AM

At some point you have to let go of the marriage to become someone you can live with. Sometimes, that might mean disappointing your BS. The goal should always be you becoming a better person that you can love and respect. Someone that doesn't want or need outside sources so bad that you are willing to step on others to get it fed. You don't change for others, you change for yourself. That is the only change that will last.

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