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Telling my APís spouse

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

bubba78 posted 3/28/2020 22:34 PM

I had an affair with a married man and confessed to my spouse 3 months after it ended.

He is not sure whether he should tell my affair partner's wife or not.

He already contacted AP in the hopes he would tell his wife on his own but it hasn't happened.
He begged my husband not to tell anything because it would tear his family apart and that he would tell her when the children are grown.

My husband does not want to hurt the family, especially the children, but he also believes the wife has the right to know.

And now there is also the Coronavirus with all the anxieties it brings... which makes him think itís not the best timing.

[This message edited by bubba78 at 2:22 AM, April 13th (Monday)]

gmc94 posted 3/29/2020 00:20 AM

BW here. The APís spouse has a right to know who her husband really is.

Ideally, it would come from your BH. My WHís AP told me and it definitely added to the hurt. So if your BH doesnít want to do it, then you should. With the most empathy and compassion you can provide (harsh truth that you broke the girl code, and you must be accountable for it).

Tell her.

Tell her now.

ETA: your AP already ďtore his family apartĒ the second he made a choice to betray his wifeís trust.... the second he chose to live a secret sexual life. She just doesnít know it - yet.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:22 AM, March 29th, 2020 (Sunday)]

ibonnie posted 3/29/2020 01:39 AM

if he had another affair he wouldnít be able to see his children and would lose all his possessions.

Funny how that didn't stop him from having another affair though.

Tell the BW (betrayed wife). If you don't, you're both complicit at putting another persons health at risk, as he sounds like a prime candidate for having another affair after you. Read around on SI. There are plenty of betrayed spouses that contracted STDs from their cheating spouse. The lucky ones are the ones that catch something cureable. The unlucky ones end up with genital warts, cervical cancer or herpes.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 1:43 AM, March 29th (Sunday)]

forgettableDad posted 3/29/2020 04:23 AM

There's no healing without the truth. Your AP doesn't care about his family. He cares about being able to save face for himself. And maybe (probably?) cheating again.

Ask yourself and your husband this: if you she was your friend and you knew her husband fucks other people behind her back. Would you tell her?

A very common theme with affairs and cheaters (I should know, I had an affair) is trying to control the narrative. That's very much akin to emotional abuse. Can you sit aside knowing your AP is abusing his wife emotionally?

As for timing; yes, it's a shit time. I have no advice regarding that.

Zugzwang posted 3/29/2020 09:08 AM

Your AP doesn't care about his family. He cares about being able to save face for himself. And maybe (probably?) cheating again.

Your AP cares only about

would lose all his possessions.
If he cared about his children, he wouldn't have cheated. How does that hit you? That you both had an affair and didn't care about your children. He was already promised he would lose his family. Her finding out is not going to tear his family apart. You and him already did that to her family.

Were you the first affair and second? If not, then all he cares about is his next ego fix at a open all night fast food joint AP.

Suddenly APs don't sound so special. Just cheap and easy.

Your BH should tell her. She deserves to know and have a decent man that will treat her right. She is innocent in all this. MC not knowing he cheated again....what a joke. For shame.

Personally your post makes it sound like you are more worried about what your AP stands to lose on his behalf. Your husband telling wouldn't hurt the family. You did. Your AP did.

oldtruck posted 3/29/2020 10:30 AM

the OMW needs to be told.

your BH needs to be the one to expose the PA to the OMW.

why are you asking about exposing the OMW?

what are your motivations for the OMW to be informed about
this affair?

eehamlet posted 3/29/2020 10:31 AM

The affair partner's wife needs to know. And you should be the one to tell her. He should have done it himself but hasn't.

YOU have had to deal with the effects of the affair. It is only fair to his wife and to him that he deals with them too.

He knew what he was risking when he got into the affair. It was a stupid bet and he's crapped out. It's time for him to pay the price.

Yes with the pandemic it is a bad time to deal with it but that's on him. He could have told her any time before this.

[This message edited by eehamlet at 7:43 PM, March 29th (Sunday)]

Fishin4happyness posted 3/29/2020 12:42 PM

"He also went to counseling with his wife after the affair and he said it was an eye opener for him."

This tells us you are still in contact with your AP. No?

bubba78 posted 3/29/2020 13:49 PM

Ideally, it would come from your BH. My WHís AP told me and it definitely added to the hurt. So if your BH doesnít want to do it, then you should. With the most empathy and compassion you can provide (harsh truth that you broke the girl code, and you must be accountable for it).

Thank you for your insight. That's what I thought would happen if I was the one to tell her. Adding more to the hurt.
My husband wants to tell but is still hesitant on the timing and the whole question of how to do it. In person? On the phone? Via e-mail?

A very common theme with affairs and cheaters (I should know, I had an affair) is trying to control the narrative. That's very much akin to emotional abuse. Can you sit aside knowing your AP is abusing his wife emotionally?

Yes, I totally agree.

why are you asking about exposing the OMW?

what are your motivations for the OMW to be informed about
this affair?

I am more asking insights from people who have been through this on how to handle it best, knowing that this is going to hurt no matter what.
I thought about how I would want to be treated if I was in her shoes (though I can not fully fathom her situation), and I would want to know. That's why I confessed to my husband. I did not want to make a decision for him.


"He also went to counseling with his wife after the affair and he said it was an eye opener for him."
This tells us you are still in contact with your AP. No?

I am not in contact with my AP anymore but were still in contact for a few months after it ended.

beenthereinco posted 3/29/2020 14:42 PM

He also went to counseling with his wife after the affair and he said it was an eye opener for him."
This tells us you are still in contact with your AP. No?

I am not in contact with my AP anymore but were still in contact for a few months after it ended.

2 Things.

1. Does your BH know you continued to be in contact with the OM or have you kept that from him?
2. Why the hell would you believe this?

thatwilldo posted 3/29/2020 15:02 PM

bubba78,

I am not in contact with my AP anymore but were still in contact for a few months after it ended.

Gently, while you're still in contact, you're still in the affair. I told myself that I could just be friends with my AP after we had sex. What a laugh, we were never friends. I was using him for the ego kibble high I got from seeing him. The other thing is that I was lying to myself so much that I didn't even think it was an affair. My BS finds it very hard to believe that AP and I didn't have intercourse again in the 7 months or so after the time we did. We didn't, but the one time we were alone together, the last day I saw him, we did have a sexual encounter...not intercourse, but sex, nevertheless.

Did you experience a high when you were in contact with your AP as I did? Do you really think you were no longer in an affair?

Another thing, I agree with those who say you need to make sure that your AP's wife knows about the affair. You may have to be the one to tell her. Also, I give you and your husband credit for thinking of her. That's something I never did.

Robert22205https posted 3/29/2020 18:02 PM

They have children and a marriage contract saying that if he had another affair he wouldnít be able to see his children and would lose all his possessions.

Have you read the their marriage contract personally? If not, why would you believe a liar?

It's more likely, he's using the 'kids' to guilt & manipulate you and stonewall his wife.

Furthermore, from what I've read on this forum, family court always makes the final decision on visitation (not a marriage contract) .... and extreme life style/punitive clauses are not enforceable. Especially a clause that hurts the kids ...

whoami62 posted 3/29/2020 18:04 PM

The timing is terrible for sure.

It sounds to me like you are remorseful and trying to get to a healthier place to repair the damage you have caused in your own marriage.


I am concerned about your AP's lack of regard for his wife. He is apparently a serial cheater and clearly worried about himself and his material belongings over his wife and children.

I do believe that she has a right to know , but there is also the element of danger in an obviously stressful global pandemic

Your AP is one selfish prick though, wanting to wait until his kids are grown ? I don't know how old they are , but I can tell you, grown kids don't take the news of their dad's infidelity that easy once they are grown.

If he wants to fuck around , then he should be single
Can't have it both ways

DIFM posted 3/29/2020 18:39 PM

I can't think of any court that would enforce a post-nup contract that gives up the rights to see children. Children visitation is a court matter to mange, not a post nup contract. Sounds like he is just using his kids and loss of funds scare tactic in hopes of getting you or your BH to not tell.

Your BH should expose to OM's wife. She has a right to know he is a serial cheater. She deserves to make choices based on the facts. But someone has to bring her in the loop.

My husband does not want to hurt the family, especially the children, but he also believes the wife has the right to know.

It would not be your BH that would be hurting the children. Their father is 100% accountable for any fallout.

[This message edited by DIFM at 6:41 PM, March 29th, 2020 (Sunday)]

bubba78 posted 3/29/2020 18:58 PM

1. Does your BH know you continued to be in contact with the OM or have you kept that from him?
2. Why the hell would you believe this?

1. He knows. I told him about the times we were in contact.
2. Good question. I thought I wasnít that naive but turns out, I am. It could have been a lie, I honestly donít know at this point.

Did you experience a high when you were in contact with your AP as I did? Do you really think you were no longer in an affair?

I agree, I donít believe in friendships with APs. The times I had contact made it feel like we were still connected and I had a hard time to let it go. Iím better at it now but itís a work in progress.

gmc94 posted 3/29/2020 19:52 PM

Personally, Iím not sure it matters how the OBS is told.

Whatís important is a) that it is done...b) that it is done immediately.... c) that it is done with empathy and compassion (and do what you can to put yourself in her shoes, knowing what you imagine is a fraction of the actual experience of leaning your spouse is fucking someone else).

Personally, I would call (I was told via text, but I donít think the mode make much difference- itís the content). Again, ideally your BH would call ASAP. If he wonít do it, then itís time for you to put on your big girl pants & do it yourself.

gmc94 posted 3/29/2020 19:52 PM

duplicate

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:21 PM, March 30th, 2020 (Monday)]

oldtruck posted 3/29/2020 20:00 PM

bubba78, the way to tell the OMW is by being gentle.
state who you are, that my WW had an affair with your WH.
you realized this is a shock to you so i will just tell you the
general details for now.

i will let you process this news, and here is my number if you
have any questions, copies of proof, need more details about
the affair call me.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 3/29/2020 22:06 PM

I love the bullshit about telling her when the kids are grown. So he can keep cake eating at his leisure. Then if he feels guilty blow up her world so her entire life is a lie and she feels trapped whereas she could start over now.

Newlifeisgreat posted 3/29/2020 22:14 PM

There is no ideal time to tell someone that there spouse is a cheater. Your husband should tell her ASAP.

In my case, I emailed the POSís wife telling her that I had to talk to her about something very important, and asked if we could meet later that day, it was actually only about 4 hours between her reading the email and meeting her.

Telling her wasnít fun at all, but it had to be done. She deserved to know

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