MrCleanSlate posted 2/12/2020 14:08 PM

I think it is rare to have 2 parents on the same page with everything related to child rearing.

Geez, when my kids were younger I was the hard ass with them and my W was the softie, as they got into their late teens I became the softie cutting them more slack than my W thought appropriate.

You'll set your own ground rules. Just be consistent.

One other thing - most kids do a really good job of modelling parent behaviour. Your D may instinctively act like her dad towards you, and vice-versa. I remember my younger one at 6 being all sweet to me when he tried to get something and with my W her would argue with logic (kid logic mind you). He tailored his approach to what he saw worked on each of us.

LifeDestroyer posted 2/12/2020 18:22 PM

realized at some point in my journey that I was doing the same thing to my kids - I was trying to please them to keep them happy - to keep them from experiencing these kinds of "negative" emotions that I was taught to avoid. And when they were upset, I would try to make them feel better instead of just validate their feelings. I guess what I realized is that so much of the stress I was feeling as a parent was about me - and not about them. Somewhere along the line I formed the belief that if my kids weren't happy, then I was failing as a parent.

While I do, as well as N does, validate her feelings, I don't want her to be sad or upset. I do try things to change her feelings to better ones. Yes, I do feel as if I'm failing when she is so frustrated and angry. Especially when she says that she wishes she was with her daddy or PopPop instead. I instantly think "well shit, I must be a really awful mom if my daughter doesn't even want to be with me." I know that isn't right, and I know she doesn't mean it that way.

Hellfire, her consequences are loss of tablet/YouTube toy videos, she has to sit right outside of her room for 6 minutes, she can't watch her cartoons, I won't sing to her at night on my sing days. That's if it was a really really bad day.

Organic2003 posted 2/15/2020 01:42 AM

Hi LD

Ok I will say parenting can be trying but I loved ALL of it. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I have three children and two were pretty easy, especially after training their mother. She needed to stop the anger, never to hit except a very rare spanking and just enjoy the view. Just calm the F down and lead them. Children really do want to please there parents.

The youngest was a handfull! Much to do with a horrible WW, she had absolutely no clue how to raise a child.

but
I LOVED and ENJOYED all of it:

The diaper changes, that was so much fun teasing and playing with a little one.

The little boy who had surgery and thought it would be fun to take out a catheter and squirt out the blood. Blood all over the crib, ceiling and walls. It was all I could do to not show him how funny it was. (picture Mom in a horror movie, white as a ghost)

The ball games, track and field and yes my youngest had to pick the most dangerous, pole vaulting! She could have made the Olympics except for a bad injury.

The coddling a sick one. My oldest (37) still calls me when she is sick. Yes I was the coddler, both Moms were clueless.

I even loved the look on the youngest ones face, when she was 16, I pulled her 21yo boyfriend through his screen door (yes through the screen)(He was afraid to open it, the POS). Told him in no uncertain terms the relationship was more than over. (I am 6'6" 240 Lbs)

I loved it, when I ruined there lives or had to help them pack to run away.

I loved prom dress shopping.

I loved them when they need direction (some people call it discipline).

You might relate to this, two of them where thought to be ADHD diagnosed by poor teachers. Yes they might have been ADHD but refused the label, I bribed the principles with new computer donations. They agreed to my method of discipline, have them run around the outside of the school when they misbehaved. BTW it works.

I cried when the youngest was going off to college.

I loved the Mothers Day cards my friends sent me as a single father.

I loved the emotions of a daughter dealing with her cycle.

I still laugh when my youngest was so angry that she wanted to beat me up. So with permission, she tried, LOL, she was shocked when she was down in three seconds. I think most parents would have been angry, I just loved it. Then used it to teach her she was not a match against a strong male and needed to learn to run from a fight. She later told me it saved her from a date rape at a college party.

Damm, I can't even think of one thing I did not love even in the middle of the tough times.

When they all became good adults I love the fact I get multiple phone call per day!

Just lead them and protect them (watch their friends)!

Let them know right from wrong make statements like "You know we don't do that in this family"

Ask them why they misbehaved, they are just little people that deserve respect.

post a sign that says "LEAVE ME ALONE!

I think signs are a great way to communicate with children. How about one on a chain, you could put around your neck.
"Mom needs a Time Out"
"I must have done something to deserve it"

Signs of love on mirrors. Signs on toys to pick up ect.

Your children have a love language just like you. Tell them how great they are, never ever tell them how bad they are. Hug and kiss them.

Maybe the thing they did was wrong, but do not make a child out to be bad EVER. Never make any wrongs personal to the child. What they did was wrong.

They will be what you tell them they are!

They are watching you! They will emulate you.

Tell them what you think of them, always tell them they are the most amazing, beautiful, fast, smart, funny, lovable..... kid you ever knew. They should know how lucky you feel to have them.

But darn, I wish the toy would pick itself up or the hairbrush sure did a funny job when you were sleeping.

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 2:01 AM, February 15th (Saturday)]

Organic2003 posted 2/15/2020 02:31 AM

Yes, I do feel as if I'm failing when she is so frustrated and angry. Especially when she says that she wishes she was with her daddy or PopPop instead.

IMO the correct way to approach this is with complete agreement. Tell her how great, amazing and lovable daddy and PopPop are. You completely understand because you love them too.

Try to Mother and Father the same, things like we don't buy stickers and treats every time we go to Walmart! PopPop allows candy but Dad and I don't ect. then the line that tells her how smart she is "you know that".

LifeDestroyer posted 2/15/2020 16:03 PM

Thank you SI peeps for being able to empathize with me.

I would like to say that N and I have spoken about this thread and his. He apologized for his reactive comment and post. He understands now that I was just venting on a forum that is full of parents who have more than likely also experienced these things. I also told him that I felt bad about complaining to him because I didn't want him to feel like he needed to get on to her during his time with her. However, I also told him that I need his help. I need him to help me with her discipline. I told him that if she were to be disrespectful to him, even if I wasn't around, then I would speak to her about it. To me, that is what parents do, co-parenting or not.

We are going to have decades of parenting issues with her, even when she is all grown up. Oh I can't wait for those pre-teen and teenage years when she will be a total hormonal nightmare. Just think, if we do get back together, he will be stuck in a house with two hormonal women