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WW wants space.

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Gunnut posted 1/14/2020 14:43 PM

My WW wants space. I hate to be cynical but my first thought was ďWho is the new guy ?Ē We donít spend much one on on time together. The kidsí bedtime is 9:00pm and she wants to go to bed at 10:00pm, so the most time that we have alone together on a weeknight is around an hour and less when the kids stall. Itís hockey season and with 2 kids in the sport and on differences teams, their might not be any times all week that we have one on one time and she says she need space. The little time that we do have together I do want her attention, but I donít think that Iím anywhere near clingy.

If sheís not involved again in an extramarital relation, I still donít see this as good sign for the longevity of our relationship. Am I catastrophizing or is it time to update the divorce paperwork that I did before DD#1 ? Let me know what you think; especially people who have been through the whole need space thing.

hikingout posted 1/14/2020 14:50 PM

I don't think you are catastrophizing, that seems to be a weird thing to ask for at the juncture you guys are at.

When she asked for it did you ask for her reasoning? And how she wanted it instituted? Maybe it's "I don't have enough time for myself, and I would like one of the evenings a week to unwind, take a bubble bath, etc". I know I had a tough time balancing work, kids, marriage and ever having time for myself.

Something tells me that's not the answer though so I am curious as to what else you know about this.

justabrokendream posted 1/14/2020 15:09 PM

I'd give her the ultimate space and file for "D."

beenthereinco posted 1/14/2020 15:11 PM

I'd give her the ultimate space and file for "D."

Yea. Tell her the space is at the bottom of the agreement, it is where she signs. I'm sorry but that doesn't sound like a person that wants to be married.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 3:12 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

hikingout posted 1/14/2020 15:15 PM

And, can you remind me - it seems like your wife has an actual diagnosis of something. In some of the other times you posted for help I remember her being very flippant on plans and things, is this one of her moods? I am just trying to gather more information so that your advice is balanced towards your specific situation.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have quiet time together as a couple for a little while each day, if she is trying to just negotiate that to work something in I don't think she is communicating it well. I think most couples look forward to that time of day when you can catch up, make plans, spend some time reconnecting. Is this generally a stressful part of the day for some reason? Are you guys packing in a lot of hard conversations at that time?

PeaceLily210 posted 1/14/2020 15:16 PM

My first question would be "space for what?" Saying "I need space" is a vague declaration that usually means "I want out". At the very least it seems to say that they want to be away from their spouse. For someone trying to R, this seems counterproductive.

I'd ask her to be more specific. What is it that she wants space to do? Where does she see herself spending her time away from you and her family?

I'm very sorry that you are dealing with this. I'd be suspecting another A too.

Unhinged posted 1/14/2020 15:56 PM

Why does she "need" space?

Gunnut posted 1/14/2020 16:12 PM

When she asked for it did you ask for her reasoning? And how she wanted it instituted?

When asked she said, ďI just need space, thatís not wrong.Ē
I'd give her the ultimate space and file for "D."

That was my second thought.
And, can you remind me - it seems like your wife has an actual diagnosis of something.

Yes, she has a diagnosis of ADHD and anxiety, I wonder if there is more though.
I think most couples look forward to that time of day when you can catch up, make plans, spend some time reconnecting.

That isnít happening anymore. Iíve had to detach a bit a little over a month ago. I was getting too worn out with the emotions rollercoaster and tired of doing most of the work in R as well her general bitchiness. Itís not even a soft 180, but just a little insulation for a raw nerve. I donít call or text her unless itís something that canít wait concerning the kids or hockey scores, I donít go into a room that sheís in to talk, I felt like I was following her around to have a conversation, when we do talk, I try to keep the conversation light and easy and act friendly and happy when we do speak, but most of our talking are just about the nuts and bolts of daily life and she often gets all amped up during those. Itís concerning to me that we barely see each other and seldom talk one on one and she needs space.

BeyondRage posted 1/14/2020 16:24 PM

Why does she "need" space?

And whats her plan to be transparant in her "space""/

I'd tell her if she gets space after what she has done that she will take a polygraph to prove to you that the space did not involve another man.

Cooley2here posted 1/14/2020 16:27 PM

Past behavior > future behavior. ĎNuff said.

Gunnut posted 1/14/2020 16:27 PM

"space for what?"

Why does she need space ?

Good question and it does seem counterproductive towards R to me. I thought R was about reconnecting.

Gunnut posted 1/14/2020 16:27 PM

"space for what?"

Why does she need space ?

Good question and it does seem counterproductive towards R to me. I thought R was about reconnecting.

Rustylife posted 1/14/2020 16:45 PM

I donít call or text her unless itís something that canít wait concerning the kids or hockey scores, I donít go into a room that sheís in to talk, I felt like I was following her around to have a conversation, when we do talk, I try to keep the conversation light and easy and act friendly and happy when we do speak, but most of our talking are just about the nuts and bolts of daily life and she often gets all amped up during those
.

This is not a functional marriage. Even without the affair, both of you dislike each other deeply. How long has the marriage been like this? 2 years? Or even more? Be realistic. Do you think that this can be turned around?

If money is not an issue, I'd be thinking about moving on.

CaptainRogers posted 1/14/2020 17:22 PM

My wife and I don't get a lot of time alone together either (probably close to that 2-3 hours total per week as you do).
And my wife has voiced her need for space a time or two. My question back when my wife said that she needed space was "what do you mean by that?" because the whole need for space means totally different things to the two of us.

For my wife, she would get burned out by being home with the kids and wanted time to herself, preferably at home. Had nothing to do with another A, but had everything to do with wanting to relax, enjoy a cup of hot cocoa and binge watch The Golden Girls. Nothing nefarious, just time to herself in her own house without any demands on her time.

If you haven't asked the follow up of what she means by space, now is the time to ask. Having that clarity in what she means by "space" will go a long way to illuminating what may be going on.

survrus posted 1/14/2020 17:56 PM

GN,

You state married for 20 years and she has been unfaithful for most of them. So what are the odds?

Was there a change in your sex life prior to this space request?

Did she ever love you passionately?

Unhinged posted 1/14/2020 22:57 PM

Have you asked her about this need for space?
What does she say?
How does she say it?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:59 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/15/2020 07:57 AM

I'm curious, too, what she means by space. What, exactly, does she want to do? Does she want to go out with friends? Does she want to hole up in the bedroom by herself? Are you guys talking about her cheating at all?

Nothing nefarious, just time to herself in her own house without any demands on her time.

This is what I always want. My fch would always try to get me to go out when I said I needed a break. I didn't want to go out. I wanted to do nothing, not even hear someone say my name.

My fch and I don't really have any time together during the week. He's gone most weekdays from something like 5 am to 7:30 pm. The kids have sports things 3 to 4 nights a week and most weekends. I do and teach yoga nights and weekends.

What we recently started doing was taking an hour every Saturday to go have coffee together and talk. My therapist said only an hour. Then, a hard stop. She also said once a month to have a date. That seems quite doable.

Maybe you could arrange something like that with your W. Negotiate something where you get an hour a week and a once a month date and you take the kids out for a couple of hours every weekend. Would that work?

hikingout posted 1/15/2020 08:37 AM

I think you have gotten some good advice in terms of trying to evaluate the request.

It seems like to me from your posts that your wife spends a lot of time being "bitchy", that's a recurring statement. I have mixed feelings on this, only because we can't really always understand a dynamic or someone else's marriage from some words they gave us in an anonymous forum.

On one hand, it is likely she is cranky a lot, and that's all you mean. On another hand, if my husband said I was a bitch or bitchy, I feel like that could be true or it could be an attitude he is copping back towards me because he's not patient enough to understand me. I am using us as an example, but I don't remember in our 20+ years together him ever using those words. In another way, I am not a cranky person by nature, unless I need to eat. Usually he can recognize that need before I do and he moves us towards a meal in which I woof down and afterwards feel stupid. Anyway I am throwing that out there in the case that you are unknowingly throwing fuel to the fire with how you react to her.

But, given a lot of context of what you have said here over the time you have been here, your wife really doesn't seem to be someone that's ever fun to live with. It doesn't sound like she is interested in you, or your needs, and that the room just feels up with her explosive emotions 20/7. To top the fact she has cheated on you throughout your marriage, I am just going to ask - why are you still here? (I'm guessing kids and finances?)

numb&dumb posted 1/15/2020 09:16 AM

Gunnut- I think you should give her space, but draw your own boundaries around that. For example if she wants "space," they suddenly wants to engage you then remind her that you need space too. My take? It is a power play to have control over a situation that she knows deep down she created.

I think a full 180 is in order because you don't see the forest from the trees. R has ebs and flows. Right now you might be in a let's build M 2.0. She may not be. It is ok to take time for yourself too. Take your focus and the pressure off of yourself to "force," R right now. Be aloof. Invest in a life that is just yours.

The pursuer and distancer dynamic has to end. You can do that unilaterally. Take up wood working. Read up on gun smithing and spend that hour in your shop. Go to the bar and watch sports. Take a role in local government. Whatever. You need to diversify the your emotional investments. You are investing too much in your W and your M. Let her try the role of pursuer for once. If she doesn't try to bridge that gap then maybe D is the right answer for you.

FWIW always keep all options on the table. Update the D paperwork and keep it handy. Just doing that will help you create a something small that will go a long way in helping you to detach.

It sounds like you are very busy, but I think IC would help you with your co-dependency. Why can't your W take the kids to Hockey practice ? Why can't the roles you both play be changed up a little ? That kind of change is never a bad thing. She might even appreciate you more and recognize what you are doing is just as valuable as what she does.

She wants space then it is only fair that you get that too. Find the strength to not really need her for emotional support anymore.

hikingout posted 1/15/2020 09:29 AM

I take it back and say that you just got the best advice of all by Dumb & Numb. I seem to be following him around today telling people to listen to him but I think he nails this one.

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