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Girlfriend Meets my Ex

Cheatee posted 11/13/2019 14:41 PM

Quick Timeline: XWW had her affair 5 years ago. I called it quits a year later after a miserable, but definitive attempt to reconcile. Started dating current GF about 3 years ago. GF's ex of 15 years is a good friend of XWW from way back.

Both GF and XWW work at the same university, so the odds of bumping into one another were high. That it took 3 years to happen is weird. But it happened and they had a conversation. My GF is very gracious and mostly listened to XWW's venting.

Highlights:

XWW: "You know, it really hurt that Cheatee started dating so soon after we split (6 months afterwards). But that's his style. I guess he wants to be loved and that's understandable, but it really hurt me."

XWW: "So you're moving in?"
This is a reference to my GF of 3+ years moving into what was originally the marital home w XWW for about 15 years. Note it was stated as "So, you're moving into CHEATEE's house?" but rather just "So you're moving in?"

XWW: "You know that's DD's childhood home. That's going to make it even harder for her to spend time there."

and the kicker: "Cheatee wants everything to just be fine and dandy, like nothing ever happened."

This was clearly a reference to my reaching out so that we could co-sponsor DD's college graduation party and me stating that I looked forward to celebrating that great milestone with her (XWW) and her family.

All this points out that SHE (XWW) is the real victim here and that she is certain that it will alienate DD (even if XWW has to make sure it does). Ironically, it's true that her self-absorption in fact makes her the victim (of her own behavior), while DD and I move on with our life and our healing.

I've seen hints of this before, but this sealed it, XWW honestly believes that I betrayed her by not supporting her through her affair, through her vilifying me during it, through her lies and deceit to smokescreen her affair and through her turning DD against me with her suicide threats and sabotaging our reconciliation by claiming her affair was "a cry for help."

XWW has a family story that her father (whom I've always gotten along well with) was a wreck during his graduation from medical school because his divorced parents were seething at each other the whole weekend. I'm so relieved to be divorced from XWW that I have little difficulty putting DD's comfort ahead of any pettiness and enjoying some constrained version of XWW's company. But it seems XWW wants it to be weird and strained. That's okay, that's her perogative, but it doesn't mean I have to be a flaming asshole as well.

I shouldn't be, but I am still shocked that she thinks she has ANY moral authority to criticize me for how I responded to her destroying our family and then lecture me about parenting after she told our daughter that she (DD) was the reason that she (XWW) wanted to commit suicide. My other two kids from previous marriage are both married and successful as a physician and a Veterinarian. But no, I need to be lectured, through my GF, about parenting from a narcissistic alcoholic.

All this enormously pisses me off as it relates to our daughter, but it also makes me so relieved to not be entangled with this warped personality.

And of course, my GF was so gracious in listening to this verbal dump and offering neutralities like, "Well, divorce is hard and everyone has a right to their own truths."

Still reeling.

EllieKMAS posted 11/13/2019 14:48 PM

Okay first - your GF sounds pretty amazing.

Second - good for you for wanting to maintain decent civility for your DD's sake - trust me (as an adult child who's parents D'd and dad never spoke to mom again) that matters.

I am so sorry your XWW pulled this shit, but that just shows what a shallow completely self-absorbed person she is. It's pathetic, really, when you think about it.

You have taken the high road here and so did your GF. Kudos to you both!

WhoTheBleep posted 11/13/2019 16:13 PM

How dare you move on with your life after your EXWW blew it to smithereens. You should be ashamed of yourself, Cheatee!

And I concur, your girlfriend sounds pretty awesome.

Pass posted 11/13/2019 19:59 PM

"Well, divorce is hard and everyone has a right to their own truths."

Fantastic answer! Your gf rocks.

Hutch posted 11/13/2019 20:32 PM

I love that you both have taken the high road. That road can be a bumpy one and you both showed it can be what you make it. Your girlfriend is a heck-of-a-woman but you deserve a high five too. Well done!

Cheatee posted 11/14/2019 07:27 AM

Yes, my Girlfriend is really amazing.

Among her many attributes, she is "Emotionally Competent." She doesn't take things personally, and pushes back gently, but firmly, if something strikes her as weird. "That sounds like something that is upsetting to you." is one of her catchphrases to prompt further discussion on a sensitive subject.

We've been together over three years. Everytime we try to have an argument, it devolves into a candid and loving discussion about how we feel about the issue at hand. Given my history for picking women with easily provoked tempers, it's a very unusual sensation.

Contrast with "It really hurt me that you started dating again so soon after I destroyed our family." (not an exact quote, of course)


Pass posted 11/14/2019 08:13 AM

Everytime we try to have an argument, it devolves into a candid and loving discussion about how we feel about the issue at hand. Given my history for picking women with easily provoked tempers, it's a very unusual sensation.

I know just what you mean - I could easily have written that same paragraph. My gf is like this as well. Even after five years together, it still surprises me by times. Turns out there ARE emotionally healthy people in the world, eh?

[This message edited by Pass at 10:27 AM, November 14th, 2019 (Thursday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 11/14/2019 14:17 PM

Wow Cheatee - Your exWW must live in an alternate universe. Its psychopathic! Why can't you just let her be the Victim? LOL

The other day my exWW told me how she was getting jipped with losing time with our kids! This coming from the lady who had an affair with her boss and knew damn well she'd not only lose time with her kids but I would as well. But ohwell, its only ever about them.

JanaGreen posted 11/22/2019 08:45 AM

I bet it KILLED your ex to not be able to get a rise out of your girlfriend

Chili posted 11/22/2019 09:00 AM

I noted the whole implied dynamic of "I'm the one who really knows Cheatee and you're just a naive noob." Twisted little power play of her trying to control the narrative and re-establish herself in the insider position you fired her from. She is too immature to even realize that the "inside" of your current relationship is a gazillion miles away from the one you had with her. Gross.

It's difficult to not get dragged down into the gutter with them. Or wince from their pokes (I mean, unfortunately she remembers some of your tender spots).

But in the end, there's nothing better than being dry and intact up on the high ground looking down upon their sewer covered selves. And there's nothing wrong with taking a moment to be haughty about it. Shake your head, roll your eyes, laugh a bit - you know - jokes actually can be funny.

Plus, doing the right thing for the innocents is well...always the right thing. That always brings strength, no?

(And good goin' GF!)

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