SurvivingInfidelity.com® > New Beginnings

Myname posted 11/3/2019 17:15 PM

I broke up with SO a few months ago (I guess). It was a VERY rocky 4 year relationship to say the least, and had been over unofficially for at least a year now. We lived together so that's why the official break up date is a little more difficult to pinpoint. I moved out about a month and a half ago into a new place. The break up was long overdue and felt like more of a relief than sad. There's a ton more to that story but that is for another post.

Anyway. So it has been a very long time since I've had any intimacy with anyone. I'm not talking sex either. I'm talking any type of physical touch. Hand holding, hugging, etc. I'm not needing to be in a relationship today. I'm happy with where I'm at right now and if I were to find someone today than great. If not, that's okay too.

My problem is I have no plan to find someone. I don't even know where to begin. I haven't dated much in my life and I don't care for casual dating. I'm not sure about the online dating thing. I honestly just don't think I'm cut out for it. I feel like I'm too nice of a guy for online dating and would just get lost in the shuffle because I'm not "pushy" enough. I also don't want to be seen by clients or people I know on there. I don't know why. I just don't. I'm a very private person. Match allows you to stay hidden and only be seen by people you want to be seen by, which I really like.

If I don't do the online dating thing where else would I go to meet someone. I don't go out a lot. I have anxiety issues which I've gotten much better at, but I also can't picture myself being able to walk up to somebody and talking to them. That is the nice thing about online dating. It's so much easier.

HELP!!! Any advise.

Justsomeguy posted 11/3/2019 18:19 PM

Try the meetup app. It seems to be a nice way to just get out and socialize. I've signed up but not gone yet. I'm not interested in dating, just getting my ass off the couch.

Phoenix1 posted 11/3/2019 20:37 PM

Try expanding your socializing in areas that are of interest to you, whether it's through MeetUp groups, learning a new hobby and finding a group, church, volunteering, taking a class for something at a local college (photography, basket weaving, whatever interests you), etc. By doing that you are getting "out there," but it is with others that have common interests. That makes the socializing chit chat much easier since you have something in common to talk about/break the ice.

Pass posted 11/4/2019 11:44 AM

I'm not sure about the online dating thing. I honestly just don't think I'm cut out for it. I feel like I'm too nice of a guy for online dating and would just get lost in the shuffle because I'm not "pushy" enough. I also don't want to be seen by clients or people I know on there. I don't know why. I just don't. I'm a very private person.

I found online dating to be perfect for me. I'm quite shy and always feel like I'm harassing a woman if I ask her out.

With online dating, you know that the people on there are definitely interested in going out - even if they're not interested in you. Also, you're able to weed out any of the important issues: For me those things were that I didn't want anyone who was religious (I'm not), had pets (I'm allergic), or didn't have kids (I have my kids almost half time, so I wanted someone who would understand those commitments).

It took me a while, but I found someone who is absolutely wonderful. We've been together five years now, and are about to move in together.

You do need to have a bit of a thick skin. You'll have a lot of women who just won't respond to your message, who may be rude, who just won't be a good fit. You'll go on a lot of first dates, a few second dates, and some third dates - and some day you'll meet someone who will stick (and who you'll want to stick with!).

A few general practices I found:

1. Your first date should be for drinks (coffee or wine). I often did wine to help lubricate me socially, but did okay with coffee too. I found that a meal was a long time to sit with someone who may have rubbed you the wrong way from the beginning.

2. You wait until you get home from that date to send a message about whether you want to get together a second time. If you want to, suggest a meal in three or four days. If you don't, I found "I'm sorry, but I've discovered that I'm still hurting from my last relationship" to be effective and non-hurtful.

3. While I used the above response regularly if I didn't want to go on another date, I would often receive the excuse of, "I'm sorry, I just didn't feel that spark." That may sound like bullshit, and it may very well be, but is also very kind. It's not a criticism, but let's you know that you're just not perfect for her. If she's not interested in you, you want to know that from the beginning.

4. There is no such rule as "sex happens on the third date", no matter what everyone tells you. Sometimes it happens, but it just depends, and you don't want to be that guy who is pushing too hard for sex.

5. After you've gone on a date with someone and discovered the lack of spark, send your kind message, and then block her. That way, you don't have to worry about tripping over her profile again some time and thinking, "Wow, let's get in touch with her". That shit is just embarrassing.

6. You may think it's a good idea to go through a bunch of profiles and mark some as "favourites" to get back to. Helpful hint: They get a notification that you've favourited them. Instead, just save their profile as a bookmark in your web browser. Nobody finds out until you're ready to message her.

7. In some dating sites, people can mark what they're looking for: Marriage, friend only, just sex, etc. Some sites actually keep track of which of those you get in touch with regularly. Someone who is looking for a meaningful relationship may immediately lose interest if it says you've messaged people for "just sex".

8. That may sound like it's full of pitfalls, but it actually isn't bad. You have to approach it lightheartedly. If you think of every first date as "this may be the woman I marry" you're in for a lot of heartbreak. If you decide that each date is a chance to have a couple drinks with someone nice, and (at worst) practice that will make you that much more confident when you go on a first date that just clicks for both of you.

9. Nobody judges you for being on a dating site anymore. Keep your profile light, saying what you're interested in for a relationship, and a look at the hobbies and interests that make someone want to date you. You want to put enough for someone to get a glimpse of what you're like, but so you don't embarrass yourself. The only clients or friends who will see you on there are also on their looking for dates - so they're certainly not going to judge you.

10. When you first sign up, you'll get a pile of matches. After you've been there for a while, that'll slow down drastically because you'll have gone through the list. You'll get new matches as new people sign up, but that just happens one at a time, so you won't see that initial boom ever again. It doesn't mean that you've suddenly become unattractive.

Anyhow, I'm a huge fan of online dating, so please consider changing your "I honestly just don't think I'm cut out for it" stance. It really is the easiest way to meet others who are also looking to date.

Pass posted 11/4/2019 11:46 AM

btw, my huge book (above) about the rules of engagement - and general encouragement - for online dating, isn't to discount what others have said. I met a lot of people through my interests. The problem is that my interest mostly attracts old white men, which is definitely not my type.

Lostheart8 posted 11/4/2019 17:07 PM

I’ve had 4 guys ask me out from meetup. Either they saw my profile and messaged me or met at a meet up and clicked.

I did a ton of online dating and it takes “work”. But pass has outings the basics and with good weeding out the flakes I met some nice guys.

I met my EXWBF from the hobby I love so much. Be cautious of where you date from. Now I wish I had never dated from that pool. My beautiful hobby is tainted.

Then do your normal thing, get out, talk to strangers and just be yourself. You’ll be surprised what can come along.

little turtle posted 11/5/2019 08:55 AM

I'm happy to see things finally ended with your XSO.

How about joining a hiking meetup group? Or going out with your friend more often at social settings?

I met my husband on OKCupid. It was the best free site for my area at the time. I messaged him first. We made plans to go bowling the following week and have been together since.

barcher144 posted 11/5/2019 11:16 AM

I am going to go against the grain of advice above and discourage you from online dating. You don't seem to be confident in it working for you, so avoid it.

Personally, I *love* online dating. I write well... I am articulate... and that comes out nicely via OLD. In person, I'd feel like an arrogant prick saying many of the things that I say during OLD.

But, you are not me. What types of scenarios do you envision working for you? Where are you comfortable?

In my area, there are two services that come to mind... first, is "It's Just Lunch." I don't know how it works, but basically they set up lunch-dates for you. They're just lunch, so they are meant to be casual and low-pressure. Second, is Events and Adventures. They have activities set up for single people... the idea being that you meet people "organically" while you are doing something else (like doing a wine tasting).

Alternatively, what can you get involved in that would get you interacting with potential dating candidates? You aren't religious, but people use churches for that stuff. Volunteer at local schools? Sign up for book clubs? Cooking clubs? other ideas?

wildbananas posted 11/5/2019 13:25 PM

I'm also glad to see your relationship with your XSO ended. It just didn't seem good for you at all.

Personally, I wasn't cut out for online dating. I signed up, looked around, then promptly bounced out. I met my SO of 6+ years through work - his company was a vendor for mine. I'm not one to really recommend dating people you work with but fortunately, it's worked out for us with no drama.

I think Phoenix1 had some great ideas. Maybe run with one of those and see what happens?

[This message edited by wildbananas at 1:26 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

EvenKeel posted 11/6/2019 07:28 AM

Oh Myname - we have been on here a long time. It is like family because you see each other through all of lives events-challenges-celebrations, etc!

I am sorry it did not work out with SO. I am glad you are in a new space and working on your NB. Take from it any lessons you can on what you do and don't want in your next R.

As for how to meet people, it is a challenge for everyone in that situation. You have the extra challenge of working so many hours during certain seasons.

Are you still going to church? If so, do they have any groups you can join to broaden your horizon?

You said about your friend and you going camping - are there any organizations in your area where you can join for fun (with the bonus of meeting people who enjoy what you do)?

As for OLD - you do what feels right for you. The good thing about OLD is you are not locked into anything. If you join and need a break, you just deactivate your profile until you feel like it again. As for having a picture(s) posted, I did OLD on and off for a long time and never had a picture posted. This was never an issue. I had no problem sharing when folks asked for one.

I don't remember...how did you meet SO?

steadychevy posted 11/6/2019 09:39 AM

This is an interesting topic for me, too, Myname. I'm not yet divorced and wouldn't even try to connect until the ink is dry on the divorce declaration or later.

I'm a born again Christian living in a remote area. The population of the county is just over 7,000 total and the nearest town, over 30 miles away, is less than 5,000. Church is almost 40 miles away. Nearest large population 2 hours away. I'm an introvert. On the Myers-Briggs scale of 10 I'm 10 introvert and 0 extrovert.

Any lady I would be interested in must firstly be a born again Christian whose first priority is her faith with me second. Fairly limiting.

I think of OLD and it kind of terrifies me. I have a flip phone so no swiping anyway. Might still look when the time comes.

Anyway, I'll be watching this thread with great interest to see what kind of input is provided.

Myname posted 11/6/2019 20:48 PM

Thank you Pass for your post. I'm printing that one out.

A lot of great ideas here. I'm going to do a little bit of all of them. <----- Great sentence structure. lol

I've actually signed up on Match but have my profile set to private so only people I choose to contact can see me. I have messaged one person so far and find it way easier than if I were standing face to face. Also, I can see it being way easier to ask someone out online verse face to face.

I do still go to church but there is little chance in meeting anyone there. It's mainly a church of families. Everyone is married. I have been going for a few years now and have seen very few women that come in alone.

I don't remember...how did you meet SO?

She was a client. I don't want to trash talk her (not that she reads here) but ending that relationship was the best thing for me. My close friends who knew the full situation were thrilled when it ended. They found a new place for me and I moved in within a week of telling them I needed a place.

Even her neighbor who she has lived next to and has been friends with for 15 years said he couldn't believe I stayed as long as I did. He said I don't need to put up with her and that I'm too good for her.

I might post about the relationship in more detail another day just to get it out. I've only told a few people how bad it actually was.

Leilehua posted 11/17/2019 17:17 PM

@Pass. Thanks for sharing.

Online dating for me is intimidating only because I live in a small mountain town. So, for me I volunteer at special events, signed up for art classes (even though I suck and the other attendees are women), my male friends have tried to hook me up but I’m usually “ too busy” with other activities to commit. A couple of male friends have expressed interests in me but its weird...they are like brothers to me.
I figure the right person will come along when you least expect it so continue to focus on you. Heal. Try new hobbies even if you might suck at it, enjoy the outdoors, express your thoughts in a journal. “Like” fb pages that have causes / activities you love. I’ve made male friends from this even though some of them are 2500 miles across the Pacific on the tiny Nation of Hawaii. Of course I only accept friend requests from men I share reputable mutual friends with.

Good luck and take care of you.

Being a BS is not fun but believe me once you see your self worth everything will fall into place.

Hutch posted 11/17/2019 17:40 PM

I definitely wish I could give profound and fabulous advice but the truth is, this will be my world soon. It’s a strange place to navigate. Thank you for posting this question though. Being able to read through others suggestions is helpful.

cancuncrushed posted 11/28/2019 22:01 PM

I just can’t even begin to consider online dating. I’m struggling with day to day interactions with people. So many dishonest people. The way they do business. I feel like bait.

I just want normal. Trustworthy. Fun.

Listing a photo and my qualities seems so out of place for me. I don’t think it’s going to be part of my path. I’m church hopping. Looking for a new church. I’m afraid to visit my old family church. What if that doesn’t fit? I felt out of options

I looked up meetups. Every single one involved drinking. Considering what I’ve gone through, I’m not interested. Plus. I refuse to drink and drive. Uber’s are a option. I don’t know. Where’s normal?