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Help me to help him...

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EllieKMAS posted 10/22/2019 13:53 PM

RIA Just a couple observations from a BW.

We were always told to not be put down or put up with a bully, right?

Respectfully, him venting about you cheating on him and being in pain because of your actions does not make him a 'bully'. I do not condone abusive behavior under any circumstance, but from what you have shared on this thread, he is not being abusive IMHO. He is in the most searing intense indescribable pain he will ever be in. I do not make light of saying that it would be easier BY FAR for me if my xwh had died instead of doing what he did to me. What he did left scars in me that will always be there now. And he did that for his own selfish crap reasons. Some raging at that is the least of what he deserves.

I worry sometimes that if I let the fighting go the way that it's "supposed" to, by letting him vent at me and me not be able to respond, that this will be the rest of our lives. Is a fight or a disagreement not a two way communication?

He's not ready to "communicate" with you on this yet. And as far as your part? It isn't 'not responding' (cus my xwh did that and it made me feel INSANE), it is about responding with empathy. Him raging? You say, "I am so unbelievably sorry my actions made you feel this way. What can I do for you right now to help ease that feeling?" Anything short of empathy and 1000% owning your stuff is rugsweeping or showing him you don't give a crap about his feelings.

I have determined that I divert attention because I don't like to be criticized.

This may come as news to you, but no one likes being criticized. But guess what? You sleeping with another man other than your husband and lying to him about it is making your BH feel very criticized indeed. And criticized for everything that you didn't even have the courtesy to tell him needed work or that you saw as an issue! Mine informed me after his A that "the last 5 years for him had been hell". And we had been married for 5 years. You think that didn't feel like the worst criticism ever to me?

Everything is my fault and it sucks to know that.

I am sure it does. But this is just the tip of your A iceberg. Why did you do this? Because imho, all of the 'why's' you have stated in this thread are surface ones. What inside of you made this in any way OK? IC is needed for you here to do this work. I really don't think anyone (BS or WS) is capable of doing digging like that without help from an experienced IC.

First-Does he know everything? Was there any lying? Come clean to everything and correct any lie you told NOW. The lies afterwards what really kills the M. Be 100 percent honest at all the times. I canít stress this part enough to anyone! Donít lie.

This. THIS THIS THIS. If there is anything else, fess up yesterday. Even if you think it is unimportant or insignificant. Especially if you think that. Because to your BH, not one damn thing about any of this is a detail too small, none of it is insignificant. It is not up to you to decide what details he "needs". If you are sitting on anything else, now is the time to put it forward and get it out there. And a lot of people are harping on that because time and time again a WS on here will insist that they have 'come clean' and stick to that like crazy until it transpires that they didn't come clean when they said they did. More often than not, that is what kills their marriage.

xhz700, you're right. Using only is a minimizing word to something that is in no way minimal. I will remember to no longer say only when referring to anything to do with my affair.
Part of why I craved the nice comments from the OM is because my BH had stopped giving them. For many years. So when I heard something nice, I jumped to the wrong thing. I know now that he only said anything nice to get what he wanted. I see that now. If only I had been strong enough and smart enough to see it for what it was back then.

You know the whole words and actions concept? This is one little blip in your thread. You say "I'll stop" then do it again. And again. An earlier respondent said something about your words being meaningless. And they are. Your actions speak louder and more eloquently than any words you could come up with right now. So far it seems to me like your actions are pretty bland and passive. Be proactive.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you and your BH.

BluesPower posted 10/22/2019 14:43 PM

Listen, you just have to get over the defensiveness. You have to. I really don't care what it takes for you to do that.

His anger will last a while, some say 6 months, could be longer.

Yeah I get that you know you did that, and I know you did not expect to get caught, I know you did not know how much this would hurt him... Everyone says that.

But this is how it is. If you want to help him then help him.

If you can't take the heat the you have to get out of the kitchen...

Whatever you do, do not string him along, be all in or be out, don't do it half way...

DoinBettr posted 10/22/2019 15:20 PM

So you gave the other guy half a years worth of sex. Everyone understands parenting making sex difficult. He most likely was trying and you rewrote this in your head a little. It is what all WS do to justify him not giving you attention. You needed to feel rejected so you aren't the bad guy. Maybe accept his version because you lied for so long.

So, lets go back to the affair. Lets say instead of just 2 times, lets say he got half a year's worth of sex denied your husband. It hurts more when you see it that way.

Also your husband had illnesses that made it difficult to have sex. Not to play sexist, but I bet your attempts at initiating were things like, "I tried to cuddle. Why didn't he know that meant bang my brains out?" Then he would mention, remember that time I tried to bang you when we were cuddling. Yeah, I realized a cuddle is just a cuddle sometimes. Just a heads up on the difference in how the sexes communicate.

So, you also gained some weight and became self conscious. I doubt he called you fat out right. That reminds me of the King of Queens when he is trying to get her to eat right again but Kevin James is fat too. So he starts working out and she just ignores him and gets pissed at him. It most likely was all in your head again. He didn't change the pattern of his complements. You expected them because he gave them in the past. When they are expected they have less notoriety.

So, I bet those are parts of your "Whys". You feel over weight and rejected because you didn't directly communicate with him and he lowered his sex drive while sick. Yeah, it makes you a villain, but now you can redeem yourself. How do you fill that hole in yourself? Why not find something not weight related that you like. Focus on making that your best feature. Be proud of that feature. Yeah, losing weight is good too, but maybe start with that feature so you can feel better about yourself. Then you can feel sexier. Then your feelings might make you more confident so you can pursue your husband.
I bet he still feels you don't pursue him like you used to. This is what I see worst in WW. My WW included. They think that just asking for sex constitutes them trying. Yet, when they were with the AP they would get dolled up, make an effort. Then at home it is staying undressed and offering. See the difference?
Sorry if this hits wrong, I'm trying to help, but I just realized who your husband is over on JFO.

Regretitall posted 10/22/2019 18:46 PM

EllieKMAS, thank you so much for your perspective and input. My BH knows everything. Over the 13 months before admitting to it being a PA, we discussed quite often what the OM and I had talked about. I of course cannot remember every single conversation, date and time, but I know the bulk of what we used to talk about and that has been relayed to my BH. As far as the PA, he's been told everything about that as well. I've left nothing out, nothing is untold, nothing is hidden. When I knew that he was seriously looking at the possibility of a polygraph, I was not going to let him waste our money to lie and fail. So I told him everything and broke his heart even more. I am beyond grateful and thankful that he agreed to stay with me after that as well, because I truly thought that would be the end. We're still struggling along, but there are glimpses of good times and that keeps my hope alive.

BluesPower, I think the defensiveness is probably a big issue for us. One of the top couple, anyways. And I am going to try to be better with that. It's hard to not be able to "talk back" when you have differing opinions or thoughts, or don't like what is being said, but I'll do better.

DoinBettr, unfortunately, he did outright call me fat. And some other very choice words with it. It only happened a couple of times when he was angry, but it happened. He owns that. He regrets it. We've talked a lot about both of our issues that got us to this place. My deciding to have an affair was the wrong thing to do. The absolute worst thing to do. I should have fought harder to get us back to what we were before. I should have told him exactly how I was feeling. Stay together and work things out or break up, but he didn't deserve me having an affair. He has posted in JFO and general a few times; it's quite possible that you have determined who he is.

RocketRaccoon posted 10/23/2019 02:58 AM

An overall observation of what you have posted on this thread.

It reads like you are still 'feeling' that you are the victim. The defensiveness. The need to make sure that your opinions are heard. The need to be in control. The need to make sure that you are 'right'. The need for 'justice' (you did it, so why can't I?).

Those thoughts are wayward thinking. You are still in wayward mode.

RIA, you will need to shift your thinking. The injustice that you dealt to your BH cannot be balanced, and by you feeling that you need to 'get back' at him during his vents, will drive the balance even more uneven.

You must realise that YOU are the bully. YOU are the one who abused your BH, but yet, you are the one saying "If you can do this, then why can't I do that". So, if your BH turns that phrase around on you, and goes on to have his own affair, does it make it right? Will you have another affair because he had one, so you better have another one to 'win' the argument'?

I just want to fix this so bad and I guess I don't know how.

Get rid of your sense of entitlement. You will need to earn it back form your BH. You had already destroyed your M because of that self-entitlement.

Don't wring your hands, and keep asking everyone else to help you solve a problem that you created. That is plain laziness, and your BH will see it.

Talk less, do more. To a BS, talk is cheap, and the WS has already proven them that the WS words are worth bugger all. The actions are what counts. The consistent, authentic, and reassuring actions.

Find out what your BH's Love Language is (go Google it, make the effort to do the research). Then take action on that.

Regretitall posted 11/7/2019 11:36 AM

I started a whole new thread today, but posted it with a stop sign. I'm not sure how to delete that, so I figured I'd add my new post to here too and hopefully get some help.

I'll start with a recap of who I am and why I'm here and then get to the current issues that I am having.

I'm the WW. I had an A from May until I was caught in July of 2018. At that point, my BH saw messages and found out that I was, at the very least, talking to someone else. I lied and lied and lied some more for more than a year that it was just an EA. At the end of August of 2019, he asked if I'd be able to pass certain questions on a polygraph, mainly questions about sexual interactions with the OM. I was not willing to waste our money by driving more than 3 hours away to have a polygraph, knowing I would fail. I wasn't willing to hurt him more by dragging the lies out and doing it in a parking lot. So over the course of a couple days, I told him everything. Over the initial 13 months from Dday 1, he had been told about every conversation that I could remember. Since Dday 2, it's been mostly questions about the PA, but with some of the initial EA added in as well.

My BH has been so incredible in wanting to reconcile with me, through both Ddays and all of my lies. When I decided to stop the lying at the end of August and admit to what I had done, I told him everything. I committed to not lying about anything. Because I lied for more than a year and always said "I swear", that is something he no longer wants to hear. So our new words are "I promise", and we're not allowed to say those words unless it's the 100% truth.

He has a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that the sex I had with the OM was not good. He knows exactly how many times I saw him, and what took place on each of those times. He says if the sex was so bad, that I wouldn't have went back for more. When he caught me, I was going away within a couple of weeks to my brother's. At that point, I was planning on baring my soul to my sister-in-law to get her to help me. To get me to get my head on straight and realize what I was going to lose. To help me to fix my marriage. I had no one else I could talk to who was in the same situation as me, with a marriage and children. When my BH caught me, the OM and I were discussing trying to get together the following week. My BH keeps saying that if I was going to end things, and if the sex was so bad, then why was I going to see him again? He is stuck on the sex part of it and believes nothing I say.

This morning, he asked me again about the sex and told me to be honest. It went something like "You did enjoy the sex and greatly downplayed your interest in it, didn't you? I want total honesty." So I again told him that the sex was not great. I've not strayed from that answer. I've used words like shitty, mediocre, decent at the best. This is not a lie. I was very much in my head about what are you doing? You're going to ruin your life! I'd not been with another man for more than 10 years, so everything he did was like "huh, that's not what H does". So it felt weird. I am very self-conscious, so I worried about him seeing how heavy I am. It was just overall, not a good sexual experience. There were 2 PIV days. After the first time, the OM said "Sorry that was so short, I was worried about being caught and too excited. Next time will be better." It wasn't.

My BH keeps insisting that I am lying about my enjoyment of the sex. He says if it was that bad, I wouldn't have kept having more sex. While I do see his point, it is the truth. Had this just been some random that I met for sex, then I'm sure I could have picked a different random for another turn at sex. But this was the person who I spent months talking to. I was lonely and craved the attention that I got from him. So in my head, if I wanted to keep him talking to me and giving me the attention that I craved, then I needed to give him the sex that he said he was lacking.

How do I get my husband to understand that when I say the sex wasn't great, it's the truth? That it wasn't about the sex for me? He says if the sex was bad, I'd try to put the OM off, but instead, I initiated it. Well, I did offer it. Because in my head, if I didn't give him the sex that most men are looking for, then he'd go and find someone else to talk to and I'd lose the attention and compliments. Did anyone else have the same situation as me? Sex was decent, at best, but you continued with that to get the compliments?

I'm not wanting to give up on my BH. In fact, I won't. He says he doesn't want to give up on me or on us either, but then he has days like today. Where he tells me that he's done with me. He can't take the lies. If I can't be honest then he'll find someone who can. But I AM being honest. Today he went so far as to say that he'd go and find someone else like I did. I don't believe that he will. He's against cheating. He ended the conversation with "Now leave me alone. I don't want anymore to do with you." I know he's hurting. I know he's hurting on account of what I did. But how can I make him see that what he thinks I am lying about is truth?

I just want this to work out. I know I don't deserve him.

numb&dumb posted 11/7/2019 13:03 PM

Your are mistaken about one thing here. The biggest issue isn't that you'd had an A. The number one issue is that you an A, got caught and lied about it to him. For over a year. Any progress from that year is at best lost, at worse, is further back than you were a year ago. He doesn't trust you. Nothing outside of you being completely open, honest and vulnerable will blunt his anger. You've also shown him a lot of disrespect, which to most guys, is a huge deal. It may even matter more to him than love.

Your words need to match your actions for a long time. You kept lying to him for over a year. When you finally do come clean it was because he backed you into a corner and you saw the money involved as a waste ? . . .read that paragraph again. If that was your answer of why you came clean. . .well as a stranger on the internet I can tell you that sounds dishonest. Be honest. It was to minimize your actions not only to your H, but also to yourself. Why? You are afraid of the outcome the full truth would bring. Your fear is still driving you. You might not be able to see it, but a lot of us do. Being afraid isn't the way to do this. When you are afraid it makes being authentic much harder than it needs to be.

His issue is likely that you had a plan to continue to lie him. When you did finally reveal all it wasn't because you respected him enough to give him all the information and allow him to make his own decision. You've cited a 3 hour car ride and the cost as reasons you finally came clean. Do you see where he could take that in the way he did ? You did not do it because it was the right thing, you did it for other reasons. He likely took that as an extremely selfish act. Money, 3 hours ?

Further, your admission in Aug (just like the last one) was just giving him enough information to avoid consequences. What objective person wouldn't see it as a pattern and assume there is more your are hiding. You tell the full truth because it is what he deserves not because you have no options left.

I think, right now, those two things need to be unwound before you are ever going to get any chance to prove yourself as an authentic person that wants what is best for him, even if that means your M doesn't survive. Wanting what is best for him despite what may or may not be best for you is your only shot here.

Honestly, you aren't going to like this, I think a really solid gesture would be to schedule the poly and find a way to pay for it. Tell him that you understand why he can't trust you and if this would help even a little bit you are want to do it. You have to show you "want" his trust back through actions. You will take care of all the arrangements yourself and make it happen. He just needs to write out the questions and go with you.

Were any of these "getting beers" friends involved in the cover up of the A ? Did you use "getting beers," as a cover to meet OM in person or text him ? If any of these were it will be a trigger for him and likely drive him even further away from you. It triggers him each and every time you do that. Each time you get defensive and explain to him he is wrong for feeling that way ? You get further from your stated goal.

You want to be just magically taken at your word again. He is never going to do that. He might get tired of fighting about it and learn not to care anymore. Sure, you might not get a D, but it will be a miserable M where you "aren't Divorced," but really aren't M'd in any intimate way. You need to do everything, actively, to earn back his trust. Giving him access to your devices is the bare minimum. Go out of your way to show him where you were and what you were doing (Who you were with). Check in all the time. Bring receipts. Install life 360 and never turn your location off on your phone so when he has doubts he can check and feel relief without it becoming a fight.

Further I do think you could benefit from IC. IF anything else to get a handle on whatever doesn't like criticism and gets defensive. When you get defensive he doesn't see it as you trying really hard not to take another hit to your self esteem. He sees it as, "I am not sorry for my affair and you should be grateful I am still here." Not your intent, but without trust he will draw his own conclusions no matter what words or tears you show him. He can't trust them because he can't trust you. That is the underlying problem here. Trust.

Trust is so very easy to lose and very hard to earn back. You need to begin earning his trust back or else any other effort on your part will be a waste of your time. Find ways to show him that your words match your actions. How long? Well if you lied to him for over a year show him at least that long that you can be honest. To a fault. This goes beyond actions. Share your feelings too. Be more vulnerable than you've ever been with anyone. (IC is good for learning to do that).

Regretitall posted 11/7/2019 13:28 PM

I'm sorry that part about the polygraph came across that way. I did respect him enough to not waste his time and energy and money on going to get one. I wish I had respected him enough to not let my lies go for as long as I did. I wish I had told him the truth when he first saw the messages. The affair is my biggest regret, but right behind that is not owning all of it when he saw it.

He knows where I am at all times. I work from home. And if I'm out, he's either with me, one of the kids are, or I go shopping sometimes alone. I check in with him all of the time.

I know our biggest issue right now is his pain and his lack of trust. I stopped lying on August 29th. But when I tell him that I didn't enjoy the sex, he flat out calls me a liar and throws in the towel cuz I'm still not being honest. But I am. I can't bring myself to lie and say the sex was amazing, like it seems like he wants to hear?? I am telling the whole truth about the amount, the length of time, and my enjoyment or lack of enjoyment with it. I can't be the only person who was having sex and not enjoying it but doing it for the companionship that I was getting?

I've hurt him so immeasurably. Unfortunately, after being really optimistic about reconciliation for long time, I don't think we're going to get there. I've hurt him far too much. Not just my actions, but my lies and cover ups. What a bitter pill to swallow.

HellFire posted 11/7/2019 14:08 PM

You've mentioned several times, that the only reason you finally told the truth, was because you didn't want to waste money on a polygraph, while you were so the lying .

So now you have the issue, of your husband not believing that you did not enjoy the sex with the other man. So why not schedule that polygraph now, since you are telling the truth, so he will finally know what really happened, and how you really felt. You didn't want to waste the money before when you were lying, but wouldn't it be worth the money now to prove that you're telling the truth?

Regretitall posted 11/7/2019 14:31 PM

We currently are in a tough financial spot. Especially with Christmas and Santa coming up (we have two young kids). Those kids also have birthdays in January. So perhaps once we get onto our feet better that can be an option.

As I've told him, I enjoyed the sex as much as it was sex and I hadn't been getting any. But it was awkward and weird cuz it was with someone new after being with with same person for more than 10 years. It didn't last long. It was rushed in fear of being caught the first time. The second time, I rushed him along. I was too in my head. I felt bad for doing what I was doing as I know it's wrong to cheat. But I wanted those compliments so badly that I did what I thought I needed to do to keep him talking to him. I shouldn't have looked to someone outside of myself or my marriage for validation.

Unfortunately he has turned to extreme anger today. Nothing but rudeness. Accusations. Hatred. He says that he loves me more than anything, so I'm not sure how he can be so hurtful. I know I deserve it, but it doesn't stop the pain of it.

Hopefully we can come out the other side of this and be okay. That's all I want is to be with him and fix our marriage.

numb&dumb posted 11/7/2019 14:42 PM

Regret- As your assertions about the sex. I believe you. Your husband is approaching it the way a guy would. He believes your main motivation was for sex. In my own situation I thought the same thing, but have been able to see it differently. It was very hard for me to believe it. Mostly because the physical intimacy we shared was special to me. When my W choose to share that with another person it made me believe that she did not feel the same way. He is deeply hurt by this.

Even then at the time it might have been ok, but when you tag all of the aftermath on it. Yeah, I find very easy to see it the way you do. It will take time for him. Rather than fight him on it why not address the underlying hurt that is there. Anger is a secondary emotion there is always something underneath it.

You need something here, right ? I think there are two things that may not immediately bear fruit, but will lay the groundwork for some trust at a later date. Consistently matching your words and actions over a long period of time is the only thing that will work.

First, I stand by what I said about the poly. Right now trust is absolutely shot this at least gives him an anchor, if you pass.

Second, IC is going to help you with the emotional flooding you feel (defensiveness). You know what you want to do/say, but it rarely ends up that way, right ? I really think it will help. Even if does nothing to help your H it will help you move in a direction that is beneficial for you. I did IC and it was best thing I've ever done for myself.

He doesn't believe you about the sex. You have to remember he has had only a couple of months to process this. You've had a lot longer. Don't expect him to be at the same place in his journey.

To him, right now, that is his truth. Not you, not me, not anyone else is going to change his mind today. He likely doesn't even trust himself right now. This is going to be a process measured in months not days.

I know it is hard to see it, but him focusing on the sex thing is really more about him that it is about you. He wants to believe you. He can't let himself do that because a mountain of evidence tells him not to. Neither of you can change that, today. You don't have to change the past. You just have to find a way to make peace with it. Easier said than done right ?

I'd start by approaching him (at the right time when things are stable and calm) and just pour your heart out to him. Tell him what you are afraid of. Tell him that you know he doesn't trust you right and that is his right not to. Then tell him you want to earn that trust back.

You have to start somewhere. Ask him what would help and restate that you very much would like him to trust you at least a little bit. Tell him you can do that and then actually do it.

When he brings up the sex thing. . .agree with him. Don't try to convince him he is wrong.

You can agree without saying he is right. For example, " I understand why you would think that. I have lied to you a lot. Mostly because I was afraid of a lot of things and mistakenly thought I could make it go away by lying. I realize, now, that it was wrong of me to lie to you. I am sick and tired of being afraid. I want to be better and I want to do better. I know you don't believe me, but I do love you. I want nothing else to be someone you can trust again. I know you don't believe me when I say that the A wasn't about you, either. It was about me and a brokenness I've always had inside me. I tried for so long to hide it or ignore it. I am done trying to hide or ignore it. I realize now I have to confront it. I have to really try to fix it. All I am asking for is for you to give me the opportunity to earn back some of your trust. I don't need an answer right now, but please think about it. We can talk again in a few days."

Then give him a few days. Let him come to you.

When he approaches you let him talk and listen. Try to remember he can share feelings he has about this, but it doesn't mean anything beyond the feelings he has.

numb&dumb posted 11/7/2019 14:48 PM

He says that he loves me more than anything, so I'm not sure how he can be so hurtful.

Hate is not the opposite of love indifference is. Him being angry with you and engaging you, believe it or not, it a good sign that he is not ready to give up yet.

The level of hurt he feels and the anger he is using to mask it is in direct proportion to how deep his feelings are for you.

He is hanging in there as best as he knows how. Please try to see it that way. No one said it shouldn't or doesn't hurt. It does. Just keep reminding yourself that he is there and still engaging you. If he starts to become indifferent that is when I would worry.

Sometimes anger has to burn itself out. I remember many times raging at my wife until I was exhausted and suddenly bursting into tears. Which made me feel insane. Anger is a secondary emotion. There is always something a lot more intense in another direction underneath it.

Regretitall posted 11/7/2019 16:15 PM

Numb&dumb, I have no doubt he is very hurt by the physical part of my affair. I have slept with more people than he has and that was always something that bothered him. Now I've "increased my number" as he calls it. I am not lying when I say that he is the best person I have ever slept with, and again, I'd had more than a few before him. I've always told him that he was better than all of the previous people before him, so I'm not sure why he has it in his head that I went looking for sex. Yes, we weren't having much sex, but I knew I'd not find someone better. I was lacking companionship.

That's why I'm so afraid of this shut down he's doing now. Maybe I never told him properly that I was afraid that I was losing him, but I used to say "you're like my roommate. A roommate I don't even like half the time." I thought that would make him realize that I was unhappy with how things had become. I should have used proper words and sat him down and told him what I was lacking. Had a real conversation about what we both wanted and needed. I'm afraid that we'll go back to being roommates again. We've been trying so hard to save this marriage since July 2018 when the EA came out. We've been cuddling again. Talking. Sex. Being a couple. We used to watch tv together and be about as far as you could be across the livingroom. Sex happened maybe once a month. Forget cuddling. We've taken such strides to be better and I fear we're going to lose all of the progress we have made and end up back where we were before, or broken up.

It's also so hard to see this because I have read so many stories on here of separations or barely talking and being in the same home. We haven't been doing that. We've had heartfelt emails, or in person conversations. We have such GREAT days together. Sure, there are moments of almost every day where the affair is brought up and discussed, or where he'll get upset. But we have a lot of good days. It far outweighs the bad. But today is the worst yet. He's throwing in the towel. Said he can't stop living in pain. He can't leave me, so I need to go and cheat again so he can leave. Says I need to set him free. I don't know what to do.

It seems I can't do anything right. Sometimes on bad days, he'll say he wants me to come to him cuz I'm the one that caused it and then he'll bitch if I don't. Other times if I go to him, he'll bitch cuz I can't give him space. If I yell, I'm being defensive and therefore lying. If I talk quietly, I don't care. He's told me from day one to fight for him. That even when he wants to give up, to fight for him. Today he says that if I ever loved him, I'd set him free. What do I do? Does he really want me to go??

DoinBettr posted 11/7/2019 17:23 PM

I enjoyed the sex as much as it was sex and I hadn't been getting any. But it was awkward and weird cuz it was with someone new after being with with same person for more than 10 years.

So lets stop there then. Why not tell your husband you enjoyed the sex and you are sorry? Why do you need to justify it? Maybe that is the part of the statement that enrages him. You keep minimizing the part you lied about for so long, the sex because it was huge and it was important. Maybe try stating you enjoyed the sex but now you look back at it as bad. This is how lots of women view sex with the emotional lenses. It changes as the emotions change. You enjoyed it then, you despise it now. So just be honest about that segment.

Unfortunately he has turned to extreme anger today. Nothing but rudeness. Accusations. Hatred. He says that he loves me more than anything, so I'm not sure how he can be so hurtful. I know I deserve it, but it doesn't stop the pain of it.

So, he is mad but he loves you. So why do you focus on the pain? He is in pain, you know that, but he loves you. How could you say you loved him while you cheated and while you lied? Those things caused him pain. Get through the first year after you lied. That is when he will get tired of being angry and just be sad. Then you will feel really bad because he won't be fighting. He will just be turning inward.

Keep fighting. Think he forced you to not eat the pain of the lie for your whole life with a threat of a poly. See him pushing for the truth as him trying to find a way to stay. Even if you refused to give him that truth he stayed. He loved you more than you thought. He lives daily on hope that he stops hurting and loves you again like before. Why can't you do the same? See the beauty in that.

Regretitall posted 11/7/2019 17:30 PM

DoinBettr, I have told him that I enjoyed the sex as much as it was sex. That I did it to keep the relationship with the AP going because I craved the attention. He's just so mad today and says he's done. I tell him that I don't want to lose him and he says that I already have and he won't change his mind this time. He says he's taking his life back. He says that cheating was always a dealbreaker for him and he shouldn't have stayed since Dday 1. He's just downright PISSED. I don't think there's any coming back from it.

survrus posted 11/7/2019 17:32 PM


One thing to accept is that it will take 2 to 5 years for recovery from the last lie which is revealed, every time he discovers some detail the clock gets reset to zero.

Another thing I feel is that your BH felt sexually inferior to you even before the affair. You had higher numbers than him, called him a room mate and may be older than you or feels he is objectively less attractive than you. He may also believe the OM knew this about him as well. Please correct me if I'm wrong about that.

Did prior GFs or Wives cheat on him?

Regretitall posted 11/7/2019 17:41 PM

survrus, I am fine with staying with him for 2-5 years and trying to fix what I broke. He says he can't live that long in this much pain. He thinks it'll go away if we break up. I want to fight for us. I want to be with him forever.

As far as the sex, I imagine he might have felt sexually inferior to me. I have had more people than him. Not something I am proud of, but I can't change the past. We have talked many a time over the years about how the sex is the best I have had with him. I've explained why I feel that way. I think that he knows I'm telling the truth, deep down. As far as looks, heck no. He's the better looking one.

His previous wife may have. She told him that there was a rumor that she was but it wasn't true. She ended up leaving him for other reasons. In all of his exploring, he never found proof the she did cheat. She is now with the person the rumor was about, so who knows for sure.

I know I hurt him. But I just want for him to keep fighting. I'm fighting. I want him. I want us.

survrus posted 11/7/2019 17:58 PM


Did you H ever get to confront the OM or expose him to his family or does he feel you are still protecting the OM? Is there even incidental contact with the OM. Are all of your former partners out of your life?

Alot of what you say is true, but please put yourself into your BHs perspective that it's not emotionally true for him. Perhaps acknowledge that his feelings are real and ask why he feels that way. Objective truth is not important to him yet.

About feelings of inferiority or worthlessness they can be very hard to admit to, especially to someone who did the worst thing possible to you.

Regretitall posted 11/7/2019 18:05 PM

survrus, my H contacted the OM's wife when the EA came out. I lied to her as well about it only being an EA. When I told my husband the truth, he tried to contact the other wife again, with no luck as the OM blocked the messages. I found her and had her call me and I told her everything. I have not seen or heard a word since a year ago July, other than him being on 3 way call with his wife when I informed her of the sexual affair. He of course called me a liar.

My former husband, and all other relationship partners are gone from my life. Yes, I admit I used to "facebook creep" them. I've been asked to stop and I have. I've done everything that he's asked. I am trying to prove to him how much I want him and our marriage.

I tell my H all of the time how amazing he is. How much I appreciate him. How much I love him. How incredible he is in bed. He's my everything.

Robert22205https posted 12/16/2019 09:09 AM

Nov 20th on your other thread:

BH quit today. He told me that he's the only one on the rollercoaster and he resents the fuck out of me for putting him on it. He said that he needs to find himself again. We're going to do an in-house separation. We're going to essentially be rooommates and play nice in front of the kids. He has no idea how long he wants this to go on for.

How are you doing?

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