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I'm not going to let this win NC

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

HellFire posted 9/29/2019 08:44 AM

Where is your husband in all of this? You talk a lot about the OM, and briefly mention your husband.
You can not be a better person, while continuing to lie. While you continue to take his agency. You don't have the right to decide what he should know.

And,yes. You have played right into the other man's hands. He has messages he can,and most likely will, send your husband. Confessing that you have resumed the emotional part of the affair recently, and that you were cheating on him before the marriage,may be the only way to save your marriage.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 9/29/2019 11:14 AM

The phones and internet make it too easy to be awful, to be our worst....

I'm a BS. Want my honest opinion of this comment? It's a cop out. Plain and simple. It's just another excuse a wayward gives for having no boundaries. It's bullshit.

I have access to the internet. I have a phone. I am on social media. Yet somehow I also have been faithful to my WH and my marriage.

Stop blaming outside sources. It's you. It's your lack of boundaries. Put the fault where it belongs which is right in your own lap.

Do you not have self control? Do you act upon every whim? Think about that.

sassylee posted 9/29/2019 15:33 PM

For me to want to put my wife through was she put me through, the sex would have to be so good that I would shit golden eggs and piss rainbows afterwards, and I would want visible proof this would happen before I engaged is said sex.

But this is faulty thinking. You’re assuming a WS is making these choices with a BS mindset. You’re assuming there must be a “good” reason for their betrayal and/or our pain. But since most WS think they won’t get caught and actually block out any potential for consequences and ramifications - then in their wayward minds, there’s no risk at all.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:48 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]

sassylee posted 9/29/2019 15:54 PM

You faced going NC and the loss of that attention and then fed your need for drama by contacting the OM. And you may not want a physical affair with OM - but you have very much been in an EA with him while married to your current betrayed husband.

You know what emotional affairs, physical affairs, long-term affairs, short-term affairs and revenge affairs all have in common? They are all affairs. You have betrayed your current husband.

And I see you’re starting the shame spiral by berating yourself and calling yourself trash. Why expend that energy on something so unproductive? Take control of your life. Commit to radical honesty. Start to recognize when your actions are triggered by your need for drama and victimhood and refuse to pander to it.

Chaos posted 9/29/2019 16:28 PM

I'm reading through all of this. And as a BS I'm surprised I'm not really triggered. What I am is raising my arm so my beautiful bracelet doesn't get stuck in the bullshit while simultaneously rolling my eyes and trying not to gag.

If you ever decide to come out of fantasy land and take off your affair goggles - let me know. I'll be happy to listen and offer my 2 cents. I'll be happy to share my perspective and offer support to you as you attempt to heal.

Until then, please, take a long look in the mirror. When your personal pity party is done, check back in. If you are hoping your shame spiral will result in molly coddling of you - sorry, you came to the wrong place. If you are trying to replace the affair kibbles with attention kibbles - you are just substituting.

You are still cheating. We can debate the qualifier [physical, emotional, etc.] but you are still very much wayward. And I think, for now, you like it. At least the attention it brings.

What are you hoping to accomplish here? Especially by removing the stop sign?

Chaos posted 9/29/2019 16:28 PM

I'm reading through all of this. And as a BS I'm surprised I'm not really triggered. What I am is raising my arm so my beautiful bracelet doesn't get stuck in the bullshit while simultaneously rolling my eyes and trying not to gag.

If you ever decide to come out of fantasy land and take off your affair goggles - let me know. I'll be happy to listen and offer my 2 cents. I'll be happy to share my perspective and offer support to you as you attempt to heal.

Until then, please, take a long look in the mirror. When your personal pity party is done, check back in. If you are hoping your shame spiral will result in molly coddling of you - sorry, you came to the wrong place. If you are trying to replace the affair kibbles with attention kibbles - you are just substituting.

You are still cheating. We can debate the qualifier [physical, emotional, etc.] but you are still very much wayward. And I think, for now, you like it. At least the attention it brings.

What are you hoping to accomplish here? Especially by removing the stop sign?

MalibuBayBreeze posted 9/29/2019 17:50 PM

Chaos is spot on as always.

Read her reply. Then read it again. And again. Until it sinks in.

You find that things such as the internet make it "so easy". There's NOTHING easy about this. It destroys people. Do you get that? If not you need to. If you find it easy to do that then do your spouse a favor and go for a D so he can have a chance to live and be happy. Your selfishness is off the charts and immature. Maybe give yourself a time out from phones and the internet since they are the reason you cheat. Then take a long hard look in the mirror because YOU are the reason you cheat.

Hallmack posted 9/30/2019 07:32 AM

You threw your first marriage away for this guy (and if that's not why you left, I'm betting that he's still telling himself that it is). So yes, he sees you as more than a hole. He sees you as the woman who finds him irresistible. He had the upper hand, always. You rejecting him for your marriage is the final collapse of that ego trip, and he needs to get you back to restore his image of himself. Unfortunately, it has very little to do with the real RS, although he needs you specifically to get it.

This is what I didn't understand for far too long about my own A. The OM continued to long for me from 3,000 miles away, for two years after it ended. Those had to be strong feelings, right? It wasn't just about sex; he couldn't hit me up for a booty call from the other end of the continent. But those strong feelings were for himself, not me. He might have convinced himself that it was love -- I'll never know one way or the other if it was all a facade -- but either way, it wasn't based on knowing anything about me. I was Cool Girl, ultimately unattainable, not interested in a commitment from him. He wanted me because he couldn't have me. And I got off on the idea of him endlessly pining, even as I told myself that I hated hurting him. Both of us were deeply insecure, fucked up people who fed off each other's neediness and fear of rejection.

So no, you aren't just a hole to him, but that doesn't mean he needs you as an individual, either. You're just the corner dealer that reliably carries his drug of choice. And you, in turn, have a very hard time accepting that, because he's offering you just what you need to hear. You want evidence that he regrets having ditched you for his wife. That he can't get along without you. Even though you tell yourself on a surface level that that's not really true, it's so, so seductive to believe it. Again, this is not about him, it's about you loving the rush of feeling irresistible to him. You're mirroring each other, and nothing more.

This really spoke to me in my current situation with my WW. She likes to say that a big part of the why for her affair was that she had power over him during the affair. They dated 10 years ago before me and she feels that he hurt her by choosing everything but her. She describes it as she had what he wanted now but he couldn’t get it from her. At the same time getting all the desire and feelings of being wanted. This comment made me see it from a different perspective and kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. AP definitely felt power too. He was able to come back onto her life after 10 years and feel like he was the man and still super desirable because my WW was willing to risk her entire life and marriage for him. She may not have ultimately given in completely by leaving me but it must have been a hell of a ego trip for him to know that she was willing to drop everything and run back to him the first time he showed up in her life in 10 years.

So AP gets to feel amazing because he has his ex college girlfriend thinking he’s such a catch that she is willing to destroy her life to be with him and come have sex with him and basically the ego trip of my WW choosing him over me and my WW got to feel amazing because she got all the feelings of being wanted and desired and got to have her ego stroked. Meanwhile while they were busy making each other feel great I think back to how my wife was treating me at the time and how she made me feel like garbage for a million things. So I’m jealous that they at-least got some good feelings out of it and I basically got destroyed and get to suffer through everything a BS gets to experience. Shame, guilt, fear, anger, feelings of being not good enough or not worth anything. So when is it my turn to feel good? When do I get to feel desired and wanted and have my ego stroked? Guess not in this life.

[This message edited by Hallmack at 7:33 AM, September 30th (Monday)]

ScarredSurviver posted 9/30/2019 08:45 AM

So AP gets to feel amazing because he has his ex college girlfriend thinking he’s such a catch that she is willing to destroy her life to be with him and come have sex with him and basically the ego trip of my WW choosing him over me and my WW got to feel amazing because she got all the feelings of being wanted and desired and got to have her ego stroked. Meanwhile while they were busy making each other feel great I think back to how my wife was treating me at the time and how she made me feel like garbage for a million things. So I’m jealous that they at-least got some good feelings out of it and I basically got destroyed and get to suffer through everything a BS gets to experience. Shame, guilt, fear, anger, feelings of being not good enough or not worth anything. So when is it my turn to feel good? When do I get to feel desired and wanted and have my ego stroked? Guess not in this life.

^^^^This

If you're serious about saving your M take responsibility and be proactive. You've made your choice now it's time to let your BH make his. Read all the stuff in the Healing Library, give him a full confession with a timeline before he even asks. He may stay or he may leave, but at least give him the full true story to make his decision. Don't minimize or TT, it only enhances the suffering. Hallmack just showed you what your BH is going to go through, are you going to help him heal or twist the knife in his back?

RocketRaccoon posted 9/30/2019 23:57 PM

RS77,

Going to dip my toe in here for a little while.

Very briefly, you need help. You need to get to a professional who can help you, an IC who can help you navigate your mind, and hopefully, help you stabilise yourself.

If you are serious about getting better, please go see an IC as soon as possible.

*Fair Warning*
Please feel free to bypass this post if you are not up to reading extremely blunt comments.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just an observation from what you have posted in this thread and your other thread (Weakness stupidity).

From my POV, you are after attention. Does not matter where it comes from and what the possible consequences are. You like to create dramatic situations, and then make them more dramatic, so that you get a sense of 'something'; some excitement, fear, emotional pain, etc.

There is the elements of a tawdry romance novel so far:

- Long lost love
- A hurt and betrayed husband
- Dramatic unrequited love
- The thrill of the chase
- Troubled mind
- Forbidden communications
- Passionate mind-blowing sex
- Hurt heart (yours, because your BH's hurt does not come into play)
- At the very edge of your strength (to resist the siren call of your AP)

Look, you even sent a message to your AP, supposedly giving him a good telling off, thereby blowing your NC clear out of the water. Why? because your bipolar self made you do it..... sigh..... what an easy cop out, eh?

This is like some movies where the pacing drops, then suddenly there is a plot device to liven things up again.

I am prob different from most people having affairs. I realize its the battles, its the ups and downs. How low and high he makes me feel when my life at home makes me feel even.

Sorry to break it to you, but you are not unique nor different. The only thing different about you, is your username. You are just another run-of-the-mill cheater.

As others have posted, you have to get yourself into IC to sort yourself out properly. This WILL happen again if you do not sort out your addiction to attention.

anoldlion posted 10/1/2019 03:27 AM

Tell yourself this: If you decide to communicate or to meet this man, then at the same time, you are deciding that your marriage is over. He is more important to you than your husband. Lincoln said about the states before the Civil War; "A house divided against itself cannot stand." This goes for your marriage also. You are dividing your emotions and your thoughts between this man and your husband. He is taking up more of your thoughts than your husband. You have already been down this road once before. If you so much as talk to or see this man, then the end result will be the same as it was the last time. Also consider that if you do continue your husband will eventually find out. What happens then? I do wish you well.

Lalagirl posted 10/1/2019 07:57 AM

Slight t/j, but...

I'm guessing this is similar to being in AA having everyone tell you your feelings are crap and you suck.

Seriously? On what planet do you attend AA meetings?

T/J over

DoinBettr posted 10/1/2019 15:02 PM

You need help, but why not go with the burn a letter method. Write up your emails on paper by hand.
Then when you are done, dump your emotions into them and then burn them.
This gives you the satisfaction of writing out your feelings, but then you burn them because you are denying him even your anger. Anger is passion for something you care about. Instead, show radio silence. That drives people nuts.
You are BPD and already cheated once in your life. You should be talking about how scared you are that your current husband finds out and blows up this marriage.
Why don't you fear losing this marriage?
If you love your current husband, why would you want to put him through the same pain you put your first husband through?
People with BPD need patterns to build strong boundaries. Why not put in something like, you expose the biggest thing you think you screwed up in the marriage that week, on every Friday at 8pm. Ask him to do the same thing.
Then the usual sense of perfectionism and patterns that comes with BPD will drive you to meet this simple requirement to have a great marriage. Use your illness to reinforce this marriage, not fragment it.
Just a thought.

Justsomelady posted 10/2/2019 07:25 AM

How’s it going RS? You’ve been pretty quiet. I know there is a lot being said that you may not like, but know it is said with the intention to help you see the light, get on a healing path for yourself, and to treat your spouse right and how he deserves.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/2/2019 09:16 AM

First to address some of the BS's comments...then to the OP.

I am a BS - and a victim of false R etc etc etc...and first and foremost, for those of you who wrote some semblance of this:

Well as a BH, thanks alot for that! Just confirms our worst fears and the fact we are a safe Plan B for our sorry Inappropriate! I hope your BS reads this and throws you to the curb because what is left of his heart, you will not break, but completely destroy by your emasculating words.

STOP. Stop it now. The fact that it confirms your worst fears - doesn't make it any less of a fact for some. This is my issue with BS's - they often want to punish honesty when they ask for it. If my WH had the BALLS to say this to me I would be grateful because he would finally be telling the truth. He won't say this or anything close to it, and it's frustrating as hell.

Back to the thread.

RisingStrong77 you said:

As I was thinking today its the emotional rollercoaster that i'm craving.

and

I want to break my addiction to him so I guess i'll prepare for withdrawal.

I think if you are not, you need to get into IC or find someone IRL that you can talk to HONESTLY about what you are feeling - someone SAFE who will hold you accountable who is not your BS. It is difficult to go NC with someone, even when you know that person is the last person on earth you should be talking to/speaking with/whatever.

That being said, when you want to talk to your AP are you running to them or running from something else?

Either way - STOP running. And by stop running I don't mean run back to your BS instead. I mean stop running and figure out WTF YOU are doing with YOUR LIFE. Quit trying to choose if you are staying with your AP or not. Quit trying to focus on the AP versus your BS or whatever it is you are doing. Focus instead on YOU - and by you I mean what you want for the long term and not in the moment.

This is one of the things I have learned from my WH - he is VERY in the moment. He has a horrible time with long term visions for his own future that do not involve money/retirement (he is a great financial planner but the rest of his planning is horrible). He has poor impulse control. He has very shitty self-regulation. He has trouble dealing with "Right now" if right now isn't pleasant. He too has gone back to his AP over and over and over again - why? IDK, but he says there is no future in it. He says he never really believed there would be - he liked the fantasy of it - but the reality of it is laughable to him.

What is it that YOU want for you in the long run - and no, I don't mean a partner - I mean who do you want to be??? That should be your focus. Many BSs will disagree with me right now but seriously, YOU got you into this mess and only you can get you out of it. And "this mess" isn't infidelity - that is just a symptom of a bigger problem - and the problem is where your mind goes to avoid as opposed to solve your problems/your issues/your stressors. You said it right when you looked at this as an addiction - when you look at it in that light it's so easy to see that the issue is w/in your self. Start treating it that way.

Read BS forums if you want, but seriously, I think when the urge hits you to contact your AP you need to stop yourself and ask yourself "what are you trying to accomplish by doing that?" and is that seeking temporary or long term relief - and from what and go from there. Put the focus back on you and whatever "pain" you are feeling. Are you feeling lonely? Depressed? Sad? Angry? Why are you feeling that way and what are positive ways to cope with those feelings??? Learning to face that shit head on is hard - but that my friend will bring you clarity for you - not your AP or your BS or anyone else can do it for you.

It's time to get to work.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:23 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

Skadu posted 10/2/2019 11:44 AM

Hey there, I'm a BH with bipolar, please stop using it as an excuse, it and those if us dealing with it are not your scapegoat.

If you're as well medicated as you say, you should be if anything far less temperamental than the people around you. If not, you need to have your medication reevaluated.

Zugzwang posted 10/2/2019 15:58 PM

I sent AP some angry texts after getting angry at realizing you guys are right.

Why? You should have told your husband then sent NC texts. I hope you aren't looking at yourself as a victim here. Add that to the cop out

The phones and internet make it too easy to be awful, to be our worst....
and you will not go very far giving all your free agency to choose your own actions to the AP and you just can't help yourself because electronics make it too easy. You have to take ownership that you made the choices regardless of easy or baiting. You. No one forced you to use what was easy and then make it hurtful. Take back the control by owning your choices. Calling yourself names while saying you will suffer for it. Passive aggressive stuff. Please. I know that move. Self pity so others can say, no you aren't and stop the accountability and reality check. My mother taught me that very well and I used it for a very long time. Just choose to stop. You are like a kid with her arms cross pouting and waiting for everyone to come to you and ask what is wrong to get attention or to stop the accountability. No one else is going to do this for you and it isn't going to be easy. Going to the AP to commiserate and have them tell you that you aren't that bad isn't going to help either. Yep you are that bad. So what? You can change it. So, focus on that and do it.

Buffer posted 10/5/2019 05:14 AM

One day at a time.

Please be thoughtful

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