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I'm not going to let this win NC

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BraveSirRobin posted 9/27/2019 21:52 PM

And the betrayed when you ask about the sex and wayward says it was not good. It was. It was thrilling and like nothing before bc they are not real. But it's a lie if they say they didn't enjoy the act, its someone wanting you like back when you were first on the love scene. It likely feels like doing drugs right into your veins that's not a lie and it comes with the same lows but the sex is the high. That and the emotional highs keep us coming back.
I really wish you wouldn't generalize like that. You have 11 posts and think that makes you an expert on what every WS is really thinking and feeling. You specifically invite BS participation and then feel free to traumatize them with those highly anecdotal assumptions.

Lest you think this is just me trying to shield myself from consequences, I am a WS who has already admitted to her BH that the A sex was good. He's a member here, he reads my posts, and I'm not hiding anything from him. However, I'm also not extrapolating to insist that everyone's story is the same as mine, because I don't know what their truth is, and neither do you.

This is the Wayward Forum, so BS can't respond as freely as they might like. That protection is designed to give you space to explore your struggles, not to deliberately trigger them without consequence. There are some very fragile recoveries at stake. You should show some consideration of that before getting up on your soapbox, or at least post in General, where you aren't protected from their legitimate ire.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 9/27/2019 21:53 PM

As a BS I appreciate the honesty of this WS stating the sex was good. Of course itís good. I donít believe a WS who says it wasnít. Nobody goes back again and again and again for bad sex. Personally I think WS say it wasnít good to save their asses.

Ganondorf posted 9/27/2019 23:09 PM

I broke NC with my XWW 2 days ago. First time I've seen her since 7/9.

During her affair she hated me. She was incredibly cruel.

She's still with her AP. But she said plenty of things that show she regrets what has happened. She said she looks at his face and can't imagine growing old with him. She always imagined growing old with me.

Everything she's going through with this pregnancy carries sadness. She wanted to have my child, wanted me there while she delivers. etc

I realized how much I still love her. She's my best friend. And that even though we had a wonderful day together, her WW mindset is still there. There was enough chemistry and flirting and physical contact to make her AP angry, and yet I doubt she even thought of that. Which means I still can't trust her, even if what she says is true.

She's my best friend, and I'm so incredibly sad to have lost her.

RisingStrong77 posted 9/28/2019 04:47 AM

My A was a long time ago. He tried to rekindle it.
He appealed to everything in me.
I didn't do it. Not in this marriage. I did talk to i'll call him ex AP but yesterday after this We have agreed we are not worth the pain.
I do care in general about him but I know i'm not in love.
I am not an expert but i've had my demons. I'm trying to fix them. Also i posted about the sex bc maybe some of you didn't enjoy it but BS's ALWAYS want to know that and that was my honest answer to that.

RisingStrong77 posted 9/28/2019 04:51 AM

I did say we are over and going NC and i'm attached but i'm taking steps. I also admitted he is unhealthy and an addiction. I thought this was the correct start to breaking off this crap which is my goal. I don't want to see a text and feel I need to reply or feel a flutter. I want that dead to me

RisingStrong77 posted 9/28/2019 04:59 AM

One more thing i'll add here.
We had a long affair during my 1st marriage. I left my husband AP didnt leave and after years of struggling and mental hell I told his now ex wife.
She left him and he lost a lot.
He wanted to kill me, hated me etc. I think guilt over that as it was not my place to force his hand, is why I accept his reaching out. I feel awful for doing that to him but I did it. I was that OW

Luna10 posted 9/28/2019 05:48 AM

Did it cross your mind that heís not letting go of you because he wants to destroy the life you built? Looking from the outside, it sounds like this man lost everything following your disclosure to his BS, sank into drinking, basically he destroyed his life having an affair with you.

And the way he sees it now is that you got away with it, moved on, built a new life while heís lost everything. What would be a broken personís response to that? No no no, she doesnít get away with it, Iíll get back in there and make her lose what sheís got. Get his ego kibbles in the meantime (I still got it, sheís now cheating on another man for me) until she brings you to his level of destruction. Then youíll be damaged goods, he wonít care once youíve fucked up your second marriage. After all you are the woman who destroyed his world. (A healthy man would realise he did that himself).

As to the sex comment: I doubt many BSes here are naive enough to think their WHes hated it but went back for more. We, most of all, understand the hype of new, exciting, illicit sex. What makes the difference is that, if the WS is remorseful heíd look back in disgust at those moments. Yes, in the moment, Iíd imagine is amazing, not because the actual friction is beyond this world, but because having someone accepting BJs in car parks, wanting you so badly and telling you what you want to hear must me thrilling. Now I havenít cheated but I realise that if I would have, seeing my BS pain and the destruction Iíve caused would remove any positive feelings associated with it. Once the rose coloured glasses fall off I can imagine that you, the cheater, may end up sinking in self loathing for being that person.

I also feel sorry for you that cheap sex seems more valuable than sex in a committed relationship. Yes I know that sex with the same person for years on end can get routined and feel stale. Thatís when, in a committed relationship, you have the option based on trust and love, to explore ways to reach a much more fulfilling sexual life. To put it simply: sex with the person you love and trust can have no limits. Itís about exploring what you like, how you like it, about becoming as kinky as you wish without worrying you may be just a hole to fill for the other person. It can be loving, it can be rough, it can be whatever you want it to be because you trust and love the partner you chose share your body with. However, in an illicit relationship youíll always wonder if you were after all, just a hole to fill for the OM.

RisingStrong77 posted 9/28/2019 05:51 AM

I have not cheated in this marriage. Only contact with a former addiction that i'm going to break. Everyone is like you're trash. No i'm trying to be better. I'm not a damn lost cause. I'm confused!

RisingStrong77 posted 9/28/2019 05:52 AM

Luna this is the advice i'm craving.... thank you.

RisingStrong77 posted 9/28/2019 05:56 AM

I realize I was a hole for him. And messed up his life. I just don't get, why keep contacting a hole and crying and all of that. I do think he thinks of me different than a hole after the crazy 15 yrs.
I do not love him like I used to. I do love my husband that's why I'm getting away from it

RisingStrong77 posted 9/28/2019 06:02 AM

Actually i'm going to say a hole is someone you're having sex with but don't have emotion for. I bring out many emotions in him so i'm going to say this is an EA where I was more than a hole. Esp since its been years and years since we have had sex.
I'm just being honest. I know the will be those people who don't agree but as many times as I hear it I know i'm not just a vagina to him. That being said, he's not right and me either... I do know that

SadieMae posted 9/28/2019 06:16 AM

I have not cheated in this marriage

Then you should definitely share your story and your struggle with your spouse. Let him work with you on purging this from your current life.

free2016 posted 9/28/2019 06:17 AM

I wonder if you enjoy to be OW? The power of taking someone's husband somehow makes you feel superior... Never mind, that MM would often take his chance with the first needy and willing woman on his way.
Do you have any other achievements in your life other than to provide a thrilling sex for MM, that would make you as fulfilled?
It is a very destructive and evil trait of character to get high by intentionally hurting other people. Just a food for thought...
Another observation from a BW, that no matter how exciting the sex was, you would never feel happy and satisfied in life, there is always a void, because it is not in human nature to feel happy through satisfying our basic instincts. We are more than physical bodies and sex is one of the basic needs, that should be satisfied but to make it a priority in life is very demeaning. In fact, the more you give in to your animalistic instincts and indulge in it, particularly in unhealthy way, the more you spiral down as could be easily observed in all addictions. The fact that you are seeking help on SI proves that all the high from sex did not make a happy person. Your post is very triggering for many new BS and would have been for me in the first year after DD, but now made me smile. Your revelation about the excitement of extramarital sex is somewhat amusing. ANYONE could have it, particularly in our time when the opportunities are just a few clicks of the mouse away.

Luna10 posted 9/28/2019 06:20 AM

I do think he thinks of me different than a hole after the crazy 15 yrs.

And here it is! This is your brokenness. This says it all. From the outside it is so obvious but you canít see it. Youíve done no work to realise youíre stuck in time. Youíre stuck in the moment he chose his wife (at that point) over you. You held onto that pain of not being the chosen one. You lost your first marriage for him and he did nothing to commit to you. He made you feel devalued and worthless. He made you feel like a hole to be filled by not divorcing his wife you. Instead of working on yourself you took revenge and destroyed his world. (By the way, regardless of your motives, Iím glad his wife found out).

By not working on feeling valued in a healthy way, by not processing your pain, by not working on understanding why you are so broken to devalue yourself like that, you held onto the desire to find out some day that you werenít after all just that: cheap thrills.

You and this man are playing chess with your lives: he devalues you, you destroy his life, he finds out you rebuilt yours, he sets to destroy yours. Now itís your next move: you can, temporarily, believe as above statement, that after so many years surely you were more than just cheap thrills. You think that by engaging back youíll get your answer: after all you were more than that, look at him, he wonít let go of you. You have value again. At least you think you do.

From his perspective it looks like this: RS made me lose everything and now sheís happily married. Iíve lost everything. Iím a loser. I wonder if I still got it. What if I tell her how much she meant to me? Will she bite? Oh look, sheís biting. Yup, tell her how much she meant to you. Feed her low self esteem. Reopen those wounds. Oh my self esteem is growing, she still wants me. Look how amazing I am, she fucked up her first marriage for me. FOR ME sheís still willing to potentially fuck up her second marriage. Yaaay, Iím such a stud!

You do realise that, if you fuck up this marriage also for him, youíll be even more devalued for him: heíd never in his life commit to you, after all youíll be, in his eyes, a cheap serial cheater who cheated in all her marriages. Why would he commit to a woman who proved she is cheating in all her committed relationships?

landclark posted 9/28/2019 06:48 AM

Also i posted about the sex bc maybe some of you didn't enjoy it but BS's ALWAYS want to know that and that was my honest answer to that.

But hereís the thing: Nobody asked you. Thereís a questions for WW thread over in I can relate. Maybe go drop your truth bombs there.

Back to your issue though, quite simply, you need therapy, and lots of it. Going NC is great, but thatís not going to fix why you feel this crazy pull. You need to work through that shit with somebody who is qualified to help you. My WH offered to drop all phones, social media, etc., when I found out but hereís the thing. Eliminating the ways to cheat doesnít eliminate the desire to cheat. That still needs to be worked on, otherwise youíre just going to do it again and again. The temptation will always be there.

Justsomelady posted 9/28/2019 07:51 AM

So youíve gone NC, that is good. Now the work really heats up as you will feel the pull. Youíve got to develop new coping mechanisms - read up on limerence and healthy boundaries, exercise to exhaustion, donít drink, start downloading mindfulness meditations so you can gradually learn to observe and feel your feelings without necessarily acting on them or even judging them.

Yeah the sex comment was out of left field and as landclark said nobody asked you. Seems like you did it lashing out in some kind of misplaced anger at the BSs you opened this second thread up to. That cruel impulse is something you should explore.

Did you block him?

Will you discuss this current EA and your past struggles with your husband so that he can know the full reality of your relationship together?

What other actions have you taken? Have you scheduled therapy, are you reading anything, etc.? I would recommend you get back to IC and this time take all your SI threads with you so they can better see what sort of head space youíve been in.

You should read JFO threads every day, imho. They helped me when I was lurking on here and as I was pulling out of my EA.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 7:55 AM, September 28th (Saturday)]

Justsomelady posted 9/28/2019 07:59 AM

Iíve posted this before but you havenít commented on what youíve read - you would do yourself a huge favor to take a look at Maiaís withdrawal survival guide today as a simple starting point. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=137622&AP=1

BraveSirRobin posted 9/28/2019 08:04 AM

I agree with landclark. It's not that you're out of line in speaking your own personal truth that your A sex was spectacular. That's what this forum is for, a protected space to say honest things that may be triggering to a BS. However, an unsolicited "BS should know that all WS are lying to you and had crazy monkey sex that's like no other" is something you are in no position to know. The typical BS here is already aware that their WS is probably minimizing, but minimizing something enjoyable does not automatically equate to "they're hiding the sex of a lifetime." And telling them that it does can cause real damage.

RisingStrong77 posted 9/28/2019 08:08 AM

I'll retract the sex comment. No one asked me but for my situation the 1st go round when I fucked up my life the sex was blinding but it also really adds up to shit. Honestly.
But I don't know how to let go of the pull of wanting to fix what I did to him and hating him.
I love my husband and I don't consider my head space a cheat. I didn't fuck this guy again.

Justsomelady posted 9/28/2019 08:15 AM

An EA - what this is -is cheating.

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