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I'm not going to let this win NC

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

RisingStrong77 posted 9/27/2019 13:24 PM

Alright. I appreciate the bluntness and the resources and perspective here.
I am going NC with AP
As I was thinking today its the emotional rollercoaster that i'm craving.
I am prob different from most people having affairs. I realize its the battles, its the ups and downs. How low and high he makes me feel when my life at home makes me feel even.
I have blocked his number. I don't have social media.
But i'm scared i'll cave 6 or 7 times again before I gain the damn strength.
I have been NC with him before and I foolishly let the crap get to me again. Maybe I can read a betrayed story when I want contact. Or remember I have been cheated on before in my life. How sick that felt.
I will say this knowing it may spark an angry reply but I need to be honest, we having affairs think we are different, that we are doing it for a valid reason. We aren't. We are broken. And the betrayed when you ask about the sex and wayward says it was not good. It was. It was thrilling and like nothing before bc they are not real. But it's a lie if they say they didn't enjoy the act, its someone wanting you like back when you were first on the love scene. It likely feels like doing drugs right into your veins that's not a lie and it comes with the same lows but the sex is the high. That and the emotional highs keep us coming back. It needs to stop. The phones and internet make it too easy to be awful, to be our worst....
I want to break my addiction to him so I guess i'll prepare for withdrawal

[This message edited by RisingStrong77 at 2:26 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

RisingStrong77 posted 9/27/2019 14:33 PM

I dont know how to remove the stop sign. But I do want to hear from betrayed and I want it to hit me.
I want to shake my addiction.

Zugzwang posted 9/27/2019 14:45 PM

its someone wanting you like back when you were first on the love scene.

till reality comes through and you realize it is just someone willing to sit in your own shit and not hold you accountable to becoming someone better. They are mirror images of us. They want to be who we might have been back then. Still unhealthy, more immature, less responsibility. They want to sit in shit and they want someone to sit in shit with them. Then you want to throw up because it isn't special. It isn't love. It is just that you were that desperate, needy, and easy for undivided attention that you were willing to fuck people over to get it for the holes you lacked in yourself that they temporarily fill. We are goldfish. Insatiable goldfish.

You want to shake your addiction. Stop telling yourself lies and stop holding on the Nicholas Sparks romantic fantasy bullshit and start looking at what it really is and who you really are.

Itsallmyfault posted 9/27/2019 14:54 PM

Hi RisingStrong77

Sorry to hear you are having such struggles. Have you considered maybe it's more to do with you than it is the sex/AP. What is it you feel you are missing out on now? What makes you addicted to him? Is it the way he makes you feel? Does he make you feel worthy or valued? These are things you need to work on achieving yourself.

Phones and internet can be awful for making communication easier, but it is also wonderful, look at all this material and resource you have at your finger tips to explore stories of those betrayed, stories of sex addictions or affair recovery. I'd suggest instead of feeling the urge to look him up or break NC you look into a different avenue, and get yourself to IC to see what it is you feel like you are missing in your life that AP could give you. Learn to keep your emotions high without causing more pain

I will say this knowing it may spark an angry reply but I need to be honest, we having affairs think we are different, that we are doing it for a valid reason. We aren't. We are broken. And the betrayed when you ask about the sex and wayward says it was not good. It was. It was thrilling and like nothing before bc they are not real. But it's a lie if they say they didn't enjoy the ard

While I agree that affairs are to do with us, the WW, having some kind of issue, anger, resentment within ourselves etc and nothing to do with the BS, I can say with experience that it's not always a lie if people say they did not enjoy the sex or that it was not good. It's not the same for all of us. I know that I had to get under the influence, drugs or alcohol when I knew I was going to sleep with my AP. It was re-traumatising every time. What I enjoyed was the feeling afterwards knowing that i'd been in control. I'd made my own rules and nobody could take that away from me. But the sex itself, was not "enjoyable" and very easy to go NC and know i'd never have his body near mine again. But maybe because of circumstances with my A. So you may get disagreeing comments here because we didn't all have the same kind of affair.

hikingout posted 9/27/2019 15:11 PM

That last paragraph - come back when you have kicked this guy to the curb and done the work. When you reach remorse I think you will find this statement to mark you want to throw up. I hope you do reach that point. You will understand that you have created this mostly in your head. Good luck.

RisingStrong77 posted 9/27/2019 15:35 PM

I'm guessing this is similar to being in AA having everyone tell you your feelings are crap and you suck.
I'm human. I have a problem I want gone on so many levels. I want that urge totally gone and i'm willing to do the work.
But i'm still in the phase of deciding i'm done. That's the 1st step because when I posted the other day I was feeling very close to meeting him and starting this shit again and messing up my life.
At least i'm not doing that again... I did it to my first marriage, and if anyone hasn't read my original post, I did it to his 1st marriage.

wifehad5 posted 9/27/2019 15:40 PM

Removed the Stop Sign for you. Betrayed Spouses are now able to post on this thread within the guidelines of the Wayward forum.

Onlyjan posted 9/27/2019 15:45 PM

I can’t believe you wrote this and hoped the betrayed would read this.

“And the betrayed when you ask about the sex and wayward says it was not good. It was. It was thrilling and like nothing before bc they are not real. But it's a lie if they say they didn't enjoy the act, its someone wanting you like back when you were first on the love scene.”

You are not safe for your spouse. I hope they know about your affair and you are clear about your struggle, because that gives them the opportunity to walk away without further pain and hurt. Honestly, I cannot tell you how much this post was like a kick in the gut to read.

HellFire posted 9/27/2019 15:53 PM

Im confused by some of your posts. Were you involved with OM when you started dating your husband? When you were engaged?

You've called yourself a former wayward, but you've been having an emotional affair with OM since sometime this year. So you are not a former WS. You have a ton of work to do before you become a former WS.

Tell your husband. He deserves to know the truth about his marriage,and his wife. Telling your husband is the best way to ensure NC.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:54 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

SadieMae posted 9/27/2019 15:56 PM

What are your thoughts on telling your husband the truth about his marriage?

maise posted 9/27/2019 15:56 PM

Zug,

This post was triggering AF. Thanks for saying those things, it calmed me a little bit. Brought down the horrible lump feeling in my throat.

I don't typically get triggered by WS posts often anymore but holy shit.

OP,

I don't have many words to say here, are you in IC?

If not:

- IC
- NC
- Come completely clean to your husband
- Maybe even check out SLAA if it helps keep you accountable and gives you safe people to relate to. It starts a good 12 step process and if done correctly may help.
- Grab a few of the WS recommended books and get to reading and learning about yourself.

To start...

[This message edited by maise at 4:17 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

JBWD posted 9/27/2019 16:14 PM

I'm guessing this is similar to being in AA having everyone tell you your feelings are crap and you suck.

RS- Think you need to give yourself some distance before making statements like this. In the throes of self-absorption it is VERY easy to believe posts are directed at us. They aren’t.

You’re getting blunt advice because this is very fresh for you, which we can tell based on how you frame your discussions- Things such as there really WAS some value in the A and how exhilarating it was. Those statements are, likely, different than what you’re telling to your BS. And if they’re consistent with your IRL conversations, you’re doing him significant damage.

As you progress, you’ll learn to detach from feelings and understand their deeper motivations. But I learned in my professional life (and too late in my personal life) that there’s a time to listen and learn. That time for you is now. Take the guidance here for what it’s worth- Let’s beat this.

DebraVation posted 9/27/2019 16:22 PM

BS here.

You wanted blunt, I'll be blunt.

I'm far enough out to say that when you say the sex is amazing blah blah blah, what goes through my mind is to wonder why you think you're so different. Why you think you can only get that by having an affair. Why you seem to be looking for excitement and validation by having sex with someone else and risking messing up your life so badly.

It surprises me that people think that someone being willing to have sex with them makes them feel special. The truth is that the AP by definition would probably have sex with anything. I don't get how that boosts your esteem. You could be anyone and that's that truth.

Find some self worth, and stop measuring it by someone else wanting to have sex with you.

tmacfire posted 9/27/2019 16:30 PM

Well as a BH, thanks alot for that! Just confirms our worst fears and the fact we are a safe Plan B for our sorry Inappropriate! I hope your BS reads this and throws you to the curb because what is left of his heart, you will not break, but completely destroy by your emasculating words. Go be with your AP and be soulmates together.. at least till one of you finds the newest soulmate and cheats again! Blunt enough?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:50 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

wifehad5 posted 9/27/2019 16:51 PM

A reminder to all BS's on this thread. The forum is not the place for you to throw 2x4s. If you find a post triggering, please move on.

DoinBettr posted 9/27/2019 16:59 PM

The stages to get over someone usually starts with anger. Your goal eventually is indifference, but start with anger because it drives action.
Go look at the message and think how much this A-hole is trying to destroy your life. Scream at the message, chew it out, get angry. Then block him and go as far as you can to push him out of your life in every way you can.
After the fire of anger blows out (You can't be angry forever) then you need to let realization of why he is contacting you wash over you. He takes. He is a taker. You used to be a taker. Now you know how to give as well. He wants that again. He is blocked, look down on him as less than you are now. Like the popularity game in high school, you see it for the false reality it is.
You can do this. Use your anger, then let the enlightening kick in. Sooner than later, tell your current husband. Make him your ally. He should be able to help you. Most affairs start when the WS hides the relationship. Open with your husband never being in the dark. Let him weigh in on the situation. He will appreciate that you are involving him in the ugly parts of your life as well as the pristine. That is what love really is. So many people forget that.

Amarula posted 9/27/2019 17:11 PM

You’re getting blunt advice because this is very fresh for you, which we can tell based on how you frame your discussions- Things such as there really WAS some value in the A and how exhilarating it was.

She can be forgiven, JBWD. After all, is it not my friend Shirley Glass who tells the unfaithful partner (and their BSes) that they know « that having an affair is both agony and ecstasy. » That « it may have been the most exciting and meaningful thing that has ever happened to you » (great to hear!) « and the worst. » Now that it is exposed, you are probably dumbstruck by how an innocent, life-enriching frienship » (life-enriching, no less!) could ever have turned in such a nightmare. You face a terrible loss » (of the AP, that goes without saying! with no social support ... »

So yes, she can be forgiven ....

Millgirl posted 9/27/2019 17:19 PM

Wow! Not that long ago this would have triggered TF out of me. Thanks for showing me how far I have come. Now I am able to see something like this for what it is. Complete brokeness, BS, dysfunction, ect. I hope you find the healing that you need to live a happy, real and whole life. If you choose to break NC and continue with that life of chasing a fantasy please just tell your BS...He at least deserves the opportunity to make decisions about his own life knowing the facts.

Buster123 posted 9/27/2019 18:14 PM

It doesn't seem that you have confessed to your BS immediately, if OM is married tell his BS the truth as well, it's the right thing to do, don't worry about betraying OM for outing him, remember you're betraying your BS which should be your focus, confessing is the bast way to help with NC, if you haven't, I suggest you come back when you have confessed the whole truth and given him a complete timeline of your huge betrayal, while you're at it, please get tested for STDs.

landclark posted 9/27/2019 21:21 PM

I’m confused on why you were so insistent that BSs read this, and then you say something you know would trigger a BS. Was that fun for you?

You say you want to shake your addiction. A good way to do that would be to confess to your BS.

Maybe I can read a betrayed story when I want contact.

There are plenty of stories on the JFO forum. Not hard to find at all. Just read them and picture your husband posting there. Picture the devastation. The pain. Picture that coming from your BS. If that’s not enough to make you stick to NC, then you have bigger issues.

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