Why do people say, “Sorry” when they’re not really sorry?
DoinBettr, what gives you the idea that I somehow think I’m “special” and that because I was raped I falsely believe that I’m “not a spouse abusing cheater like all the others here?” Have you lost your fucking mind? Have you read anything I’ve ever posted before you came up with that BS? (I have less than 20 posts and I think they’re all in the Wayward forum, so not hard to find.)
When and where did I state I didn’t abuse my spouse? I not only abused my spouse, I also abused my kids. I abused myself. An affair isn’t exactly a joyous occasion in a marriage.
A person who had a LTA might seek advice from others who’ve been in their shoes. A person who had a lot of ONS and other forms of emotionless infidelity might seek advice from others who did the same and are farther out. Because although some of the general advice is useful to you, other parts of it don’t apply at all in your situation and would be stupid to implement and could potentially hurt your BS worse.
The (multiple) rapes I have endured in my life have been the most embarrassing, traumatic, horrifying experiences I have ever had. They are something that I talk to NO ONE about except my husband and my IC. I DAMN SURE don’t think it makes me special and FUCK YOU IN YOUR ASS for daring to insult rape victims by saying such a thing.
You sorry, pathetic asshole. Let me tell you how fucking SPECIAL rape has made me.
I learned how to suck a dick to completion at age four. Yes, mother fucker, four. How to cup and lick the balls. How to let your tongue linger around the head of the dick, roll your tongue around it, flicking your tongue up and down while you make your way down the shaft. How to wrap your hand around the base of their dick to help jack them off because your mouth is too small too deep throat them, but if you use your hands just right it still helps them come. How to run your finger along the crack of their ass and to press gently but firmly on the piece of skin between their dick and their ass.
How to develop a technique that’s midway between swallowing and spitting. I couldn’t swallow it all because it was too much, but I learned if you swallowed some of it down and then you partially regurgitated the rest and opened your mouth wide it made it have a loose, more pliable liquidy consistency because it was now mixed with your saliva. That made it easier for the guy to smear it all over your cheeks and nose and mouth, and also helped it to be a little more visible when it dried on your face, which was a huge turn on to your “partner” (your adult male relative).
What about being taught at that age how to “train” your vaginal opening to become gradually large by using progressively larger tampon applicators and lube? Because your rapist want to sink his dick into your tight, young, preschool aged pussy, but you’re too small and young and he’s worried that someone will be able to tell that there had been intercourse. So until you have gradually train your body to be able to take that dick, he has to learn to be satisfied with you sucking his dick and licking his ass.
Oh, I’ve got stories. Here’s one about being raped by the AP. You know, since I’m so goddam “special.” He lured me to him with a story that I was stupid enough to believe. An “emergency” he needed to help me with. Not long into my visit, he gave me a beverage. I was thirsty and I drank it. Less than half an hour later I felt like I was some sort of alien. I could see, but couldn’t make words come out of my mouth. I couldn’t move my limbs. I felt paralyzed, possessed. Even the way things sounded was strange, like as if my ears were muffled and amplified at the same time. It was like I was a living rag doll. As I slumped on the couch, the AP fondled me to his heart’s content, eventually pulling my pants down, moving my underwear to the side, and sticking his penis into me without a condom. He moaned and groaned with pleasure. I saw his nearly toothless mouth twisted to the side gleefully as he ejaculated into me. That was the first time he had me that day. Not the last...
I came here to ask for help. Not to be treated like shit. Do YOU wake up night after night drenched in sweat, screaming and crying to the point where your BS is awakened by the commotion and has to hold you because you are having nightmares about being raped not only by the AP, but other rapists you’ve been forced to deal with throughout your life? Are YOU driving around with a big dent in YOUR car because you were driving to pick your kids up from practice, had a panic attack when the thought of the rape popped in your head, and crashed your vehicle into something? Have YOU disassociated to the point that you have lost hours of your day? Are YOU so drained from EMDR sessions that you feel literal physical pain?
I don’t fucking think so.
My BH chooses to stay with me. We are in R and I’m willing to do ANYTHING I can to help him because I have hurt him worse that he has ever been hurt in his life. But what I WON’T do is be anyone else’s victim anymore. Not in person and for damn sure not on an internet forum.
Fuck that. And fuck you too.
[This message edited by S0leil at 5:03 PM, September 9th (Monday)]