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My experience with outing my ex.

Dorothy123 posted 7/11/2019 12:19 PM

My ex was a closeted bisexual man all his life up until he cheated on me in his thirties.

I outed him to everyone I could as a way of getting revenge on him.

I got a ton of backlash for it.

Many people thought that I should be happy for him that he finally "getting the courage" to engage in his lust for men. They felt I should give him a medal for courage instead of outing him.

Others thought that I was intentionally putting stress by outing a fragile man who is hurting on the inside.

So, it backfired on me greatly.

So if you are thinking about outing your WS and thinking everyone will just be disgusted with your WS and cry you a river, think again.

There is a good chance that many people will turn against you. Sadly.

StillLivin posted 7/11/2019 12:27 PM

You have to look at the integrity of the person you confided to. Almost everyone I confided to was horrified at his deception and betrayal. Only a few people were put off and thought I was the bad guy, but I didnt care because it showed ME how morally corrupt they were so I could cut them loose too.
Surround yourself only with people of integrity. You will get a different reaction. Don't be too upset with the outcome so far. At least now you know how bankrupt their integrity is and you can act upon it now by weeding out the riffraff.

Okokok posted 7/11/2019 12:35 PM

I don't really know this specific dynamic firsthand, but I *do* know that not everyone will have the same reactions/feelings to the A, no matter how good a person they are. People who haven't experienced affairs just don't understand them. A little leeway deserved there, though it will inevitably result in lost/changed relationships.

I suspect that when you add the element of self-actualization re: sexual orientation, some people are simply programmed to support that unconditionally (which of course I agree with generally), which can probably warp their overall view of all the cruel things the WS does in the course of reaching said actualization.

In the end, as @StillLivin said, most BS simply have to learn to "cut loose" these people.

Ripped62 posted 7/11/2019 12:40 PM

My experience is that such Individuals as those you encountered Dorothy123 have little to no knowledge about infidelity or may be wayward in thought or deed.

(((Dorothy123)))

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 12:41 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

deephurt posted 7/11/2019 12:45 PM

Iím really sorry you experienced such a black lash and had a lack of support. You definitely have my support.

I didnít out my wh to anyone other than our son and his fiancť who l Bed with us at the time and knew something was up.

I decided to r pretty quickly and my thoughts were that itís a huge thing to have as an elephant in the room when socializing but if I decided to head to d I would yell whimevwe I pleased.

I definitely agree that people who donít empathize with your situation regardless of their experience are probably best to cut loose from your life. You donít need their negativity in your life and you carry no blame for outing him. Itís yournegory to tell whoever you want to tell.

Your wh is an adult and secretly experimenting with bisexuality is a betrayal to the one he said vows to regardless of whether he was confused about his sexuality or not. He had the opportunity to come to you and discuss what he was feeling and while it still probably would have hurt you at least you wouldnít have been betrayed and exposed to god knows what diseases through his betrayal. If your friends and family canít understand the level of betrayal that is to you then you donít need them in your life.

Dorothy123 posted 7/11/2019 13:23 PM

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Hugs.

ChangeMaker posted 7/11/2019 13:55 PM

I look at it like this...

You got a bonus... you cleared the air, told the truth, and got a feeling of control back... AND you got to find out just where you stand with a bunch of other potentially dead weight in your life.

I wouldn't mourn losing that type of thing over much - they'd have turned against you regardless.

Besides, aren't you the hero in their eyes for being the conduit for him to finally come out and be his whole self?

NorCalLost posted 7/11/2019 15:27 PM

I think that infidelity is so rampant in our society, it is so minimized and sometimes romanticized (in movies, etc.), that a lot of people just don't think of it as "that big of a deal."

I've gone to people for support who accuse me of trying to ruin my ex's life by exposing him. My ex portrays me as a crazy, bitter, insecure ex who would rather see him miserable than happy with anyone else.

For me, exposure is a matter of bringing to the forefront his conduct that has apparently affected every single one of his relationships. Had someone else stepped forward and exposed, maybe I wouldn't have wasted so many years on a man who never really loved me at all.

From the time we are children, we are taught that there are consequences for bad behavior. So many cheaters seem to get away 'scott free,' to continue hurting people because they've never been exposed and therefore have no incentive to change.

I understand why reconciling spouses choose not to expose, I truly do. And I support that decision. I just wish that more people would also be supportive of the betrayed who choose to expose, instead of making them feel as though they are bad people who are ruining the waywards' lives.

Tallgirl posted 7/11/2019 17:14 PM

Being brave is asking for a divorce. Being brave is coming out in public.

Cheating is cheating. Itís disrespectful and wrong.

He is not brave.

I am sorry these people reacted so poorly. They have no idea about infidelity

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:22 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Hippo16 posted 7/11/2019 18:12 PM

Dorothy123

StillLivin put into words my opinion.

The ones who are negative towards you - riffraff!

I read somewhere once:

"A friend is someone who knows all about you, but likes you anyway."

I think you are finding out who true friends are . . .

Oftencheatedon posted 7/11/2019 21:04 PM

Bisexuality does NOT mean that you get one of each. Bisexuality means that you may choose to pick a partner of either sex if you choose to settle down.

Many people in their rush to be tolerant of other than straight heterosexual relationships may choose to accept things that they really shouldnít. Whether one is straight, gay, bi or anything else if you pledge fidelity then having an extra partner is not right.

And this is spoken from a person who spent their career in a very LGBQT friendly area. One of my best employees was trans. Several of my bosses were gay or lesbian as were many of my best friends.

None of anyoneís sexual preference ever made a difference to me - but oneís integrity did. Lying and cheating is WRONG! Oneís sexual preference does not excuse bad behavior.

[This message edited by Oftencheatedon at 9:14 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 7/11/2019 21:28 PM

Exactly what Oftencheatedon said. My first thought was, "You don't get one of each.". It is an insult to bisexuals to assume they are incapable of fidelity. How intolerant and ignorant is THAT assumption?

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