"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

kat0404 posted 7/10/2019 07:38 AM

My boyfriend and I both met when we were separated from our spouses and working towards a divorce. We instantly connected through that as well as many other things. It was like I found my other half. We have the same interests, views, love connection, and the list goes on.
Well, his ex is really tough and tries to control every aspect of his life. He has been trying to get a divorce but she won’t give it to him. She tries to control him through their 2 kids and threatens him if he doesn’t do as she says. Then one day (without my knowledge) the ex came up with an idea to tell him that if he had sex with her that she would sign the papers. He felt there was no other option and slept with her thinking that he could walk away and finally start his life with me. After he gave her sex she refused to sign the papers and demanded more sex from him. He denied her! He then grew distant with me and I didn’t see him for 3 weeks. I knew there was something wrong but I didn’t know what really was happening. He finally came clean to me last week and not only told me he slept with her but she’s pregnant.

I have infertility problems myself and he knows about my issues so it felt like a knife to my heart! I was willing to accept his 2 kids but for them to have 1 more with me in the picture, breaks my heart! I will never have that connection with him and don’t know what to do.

I love him so much but can I survive being his girlfriend while his ex is pregnant with #3?? Can I ever trust him again? Am I a strong enough women to swallow my pride?

northeasternarea posted 7/10/2019 07:43 AM

Dating is the time to get to know who people are. You now know who he is. I would suggest you remove yourself from this equation.

Chaos posted 7/10/2019 07:51 AM

Bottom line - the writing is on the wall. Read it and heed it. Run, do not walk, away from that train wreck.

He's a scum and most likely telling her a similar story about you. "Oh...she just wont' let me go...she's threatening me that if I don't have a relationship with her she'll [insert threat here]...I want you but she won't let me alone..."

Quite frankly - I don't think he was ever "working towards a divorce".

Sadly - I think you are the other woman in this scenario. You just believed his lies.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/10/2019 07:52 AM

Do you seriously believe his story of why he slept with her? I think he’s lying to you, and wants to string you along. I mean, all he has to do is file for D, have a hearing, and he is divorced. There is no such thing as she won’t give him a D.

Best to get counseling to break free of this type of person, because if you stay, the crazy is going to get worse. Forever.

Imagine that you get away from this person and find a truly great guy who tells the truth and doesn’t make up unbelievable stories about sleeping with other people.

Plus, you and your bf aren’t a team bc he didn’t share the blackmail offer with you so you two could have filed a police report on her. Instead, he’s like, “ ok I’m not going to tell me gf that I’m going to sleep with you.” He had that secret with his wife, and didn’t include you in the conversation.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:54 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

humantrampoline posted 7/10/2019 07:54 AM

kat0404,

So, there are no signed separation/divorce papers and she is pregnant? That means you are dating a married man with a pregnant wife. Are you ok with that?? A strong woman would walk, no run, away from that situation for the benefit of all parties involved. I'm sorry for what you've been through.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/10/2019 07:56 AM

The other posters are correct, you are the OW, bc you are with a legally married man with a baby on the way. He is stringing you along.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:31 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

ibonnie posted 7/10/2019 07:57 AM

He finally came clean to me last week and not only told me he slept with her but she’s pregnant.

Even if he's telling the truth, why didn't he use a condom or pull out? He has two kids with his wife (not ex -- soon-to-be-ex-wife, maybe), so surely he knew this was a possibility.

landclark posted 7/10/2019 08:01 AM

I realize it's so much easier said than done, but I would run away, as fast as I could. It's really not about swallowing your pride. He cheated on you, distanced himself from you, he got somebody else knocked up, he's still married so you're the OW, he is probably selling her some good lines as well, on and on. My WH told me how hard his ex-wife was (divorced long before me), and turns out he's not always a peach either.

I also have infertility issues, took 2 years with IUI to get pregnant, and then could never have a second. If my WH were to get somebody else pregnant it would be an absolute, no questions asked, no second chances deal breaker for me.

Send him on his way, let him work through his sh*t, and move on.

kat0404 posted 7/10/2019 09:23 AM

OMG...you are all right! I am the OW....how could I be so stupid??!!

I have believed everything he has said to me....I’m truly naive.

ibonnie posted 7/10/2019 09:47 AM

kat0404, if I were you, for my own sake, I would reach out to his BW (betrayed wife) with a written timeline of neutral/sanitized events (like "January 2019 we met at X Bar. Mid-January we went on our first date. By February we were having (protected? unprotected?) sex." Please don't say things like, "January 2019 we saw each other from across a bar and felt instantly attracted to each other. By mid-January we knew we were soulmates.") and apology for playing an unwitting role in the demise of their marriage.

Then, for your own sake, go no contact with this guy -- block him on social media, change your email or number if you can -- and move forward with your life and as far away from him as you can. He's a parasite, sucking love and affection and attention from you, and offering lies and deceit in return. You deserve better!

The1stWife posted 7/10/2019 10:54 AM

There is no such thing as she won’t give him a D.

Yup. Agreed. No such thing. Even in a case where one party does not want the D and drags their feet, the Divorce will be granted.

She demanded sex? 🤣 ROFLMAO. Never happened. No way. I can tell you from experience that people will lie their way through anything they can get away with and in this case, he has two women he is playing.

She demanded sex to sign the divorce papers? He needs to be more creative than that. Highly unlikely she kept “demanding” sex. More like he’s telling her “let’s get back together” and having sex with her.

You need to distance yourself. Because one day you will be the wife fighting for the marriage and his STBXW will be the OW. Don’t think it won’t happen. You just may not know about it.

Chaos posted 7/10/2019 11:27 AM

Breathe kat0404

You've now got clarity.

ibonnie is right. His wife needs to be told. She is living a lie. ibonnie has excellent suggestion on how to do this. Do not inform this scumbag what you are doing [he'll try to stop you OR have done a preemptive strike with his wife].

Let us know how you are doing kat0404. You came to the right place and are getting excellent advice.

Carissima posted 7/10/2019 12:13 PM

Don't disagree with anyone but just wanted to say that it's not true that divorce will necessarily be granted if contested.

Where I live a contested divorce can take 5 years, especially when children are involved.

kat0404 posted 7/10/2019 19:08 PM

Thank you all for you advice! I truly appreciate it!

I’m 30 years old....I should know better! I guess I was blinded by all the lies he was selling. 😔

sassylee posted 7/10/2019 21:01 PM

What will your next steps be kat?

Beachwalker posted 7/10/2019 21:11 PM

KAT; I want to tell you this gently, but you may not be the only OW. If he was able to deceive you for this long, I am sure he is experienced at it. Which means, he has probably screwed a bunch of other women, too. You may want to consider having yourself checked for STI’s and HIV, just to be sure. If you come up positive, you definitely want to share this with the BW, NOT the scum-sucking BF. He may not tell her or not tell her the severity or importance of the test results.

And, I agree with everyone else, ..RUN!!