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BeenBetrayed5 posted 7/7/2019 19:37 PM

I am going back and forth as all of you know, this is quite clear. It’s been hell of a road and rocky every step of the way. My ex is really trying to do therapy. He keeps asking me, and it’s something he really wants to continue even though I have cancelled the appointment. I don’t know if I should go or not. The last time we went the therapist said, “do you want to fix this?” And he said, “I think I do.” So after that, I didn’t continue any additional therapy, and cancelled the future appointments. He says he really wants to do this. I am unsure because I know I still love him, and I will feel vulnerable to rekindling even though I know we shouldn’t. I am unsure why he would want to do therapy. Is it due to his want to rekindle the relationship? What would be another reason he’d want this?

For those of you who don’t know, I am 7 months pregnant with his baby and he cheated on me for a month or so, with some stripper. He’s been kicked out of the house, I haven’t been with him for almost 2 months now. We have been back and forth with no contact. I am not seeing full remorse for what he did. He says he’s sorry, he regrets it, but no real and true remorse that would include him making way more effort than he has. I think he believes therapy is the only thing that will work now? I am unsure. So conflicted.

[This message edited by BeenBetrayed5 at 7:44 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

ibonnie posted 7/7/2019 20:15 PM

My ex is really trying to do therapy. He keeps asking me, and it’s something he really wants to continue even though I have cancelled the appointment. I don’t know if I should go or not.

"Cheating isn't a relationship issue. Cheating is a moral/character flaw that you have, not me. If you want to go to therapy so you can work on yourself, I think that's great. I have zero desire to be in a relationship with unsafe partner, which, right now, is what you are."

Queen posted 7/7/2019 20:48 PM

I agree with ibonnie.

I tried marriage counseling after one of my exwh's affairs and it as a complete waste of time. He took no responsibility for his actions. He needed individual counseling but would never acknowledge that.

LukesDiner posted 7/7/2019 21:00 PM

I also agree with ibonnie. There is nothing wrong with individual therapy as a first step, and it might really prove to be beneficial for him. His commitment to therapy for himself would show a commitment to an overall healthy state of being. Otherwise, I fear that jumping into marriage/couples therapy is just for "show", to display the colors of commitment without truly walking in the skin.

I have not been a member here long, but one of the things I've been learning from the other threads/posts is that you have to trust your gut. I know you said you are conflicted, but what does your gut/intuition tell you?

Kb82 posted 7/7/2019 22:56 PM

Im so sorry you are going through this, especially pregnant. I'm 5 months pregnant with our 5th, and my DD was in March. I know how hard it is. Right now should be a precious time for you, and it's tainted because of his lousy actions. But enjoy this time as much as you can despite what he is doing. And once baby gets here you will have the biggest blessing and know a love like no other.

As far as the marriage counselor, I agree with what everyone else basically said. He needs to get to the root of HIS problem first. My WH mentioned MC too, but I too feel like he's not sorry enough, and still is blaming me for what HE chose to do. He's in IC, but he tells me the Snapchat pics I found with a coworker wasn't even cheating. So I highly doubt he's being honest in his therapy, which makes it pointless.

Your husband needs go fully understand his actions were a problem HE has, not you. If he fully gets that and takes his own counseling seriously, then MC would be a good next step.

I have debated taking my own husband up on his suggestion just to have a counselor tell him what he did was cheating, and to suggest a lie detector just to get some truth from him bc right now he's still lying. I hope that your situation gets better. I hope you get some peace so that you can enjoy your precious time right now. Hugs to you.

JBWD posted 7/7/2019 23:29 PM

MC is premature. Our MC is very well regarded, very capable, and couldn’t make what needed to happen, happen. Which was for me to recognize my own bull$#%t. I won’t speculate on the existence of fog or not, but I will tell you that a WS has spent their life focusing on themselves, and “snapping out of it” doesn’t happen overnight. It needs time and IC and introspection that isolates from the ability to project onto, or target, an “other.” (You)

I’m so sorry this clouds what should be such a joyful time, but your approach is right where it needs to be. iBonnie’s quote is a perfect way to verbalize this. You don’t need to talk to him, you need to do whatever keeps you grounded and helps you move forward in a healthy pregnancy.

Those who state they watched their WSs for signs of progress from a distance are, I believe, in the right camp. I don’t think any WS instinctively grasps the depths of our flaws, and so being forced to sit with that alone is the only way to be able to change for the better and bring healing into a shattered M.

Stay the course.

BeenBetrayed5 posted 7/8/2019 08:58 AM

Thanks everyone. I am just lost. And am running out of things to say.

sisoon posted 7/8/2019 10:17 AM

Did you go to one session? What happened?

My W got us in with her therapist on d-day, and it was great, because the C addressed the A and my pain. There was no question: our C treated the A as my W's failure.

For months, our MC sessions were actually group therapy with a small group, and 90+% of the IC went to my W.

That type of MC seems to be rare, but if it's what your MC does, it might be worthwhile.

I do think that if my W had been uncertain about R, our MC would have confronted her, but I could be wrong.

The1stWife posted 7/8/2019 11:25 AM

The last time we went the therapist said, “do you want to fix this?” And he said, “I think I do.”

Not quite the ringing endorsement in my opinion.

He shows no real remorse. He “thinks” he wants to R. He was calculating and cold to you. He continues to lie.

In my opinion HE should be moving heaven and earth to get you to consider reconciliation. Has he read a book or blog or website on what he should be doing?

He wants YOU to go to therapy. With him.

HE should be going without you.

It is too soon for “marriage counseling” therapy right now. He has too much work to do on himself.

And you don’t need him. He is not your child yet he acts like one. You need a man who is an equal partner in life. Not a temper tantrum throwing man-child.

As a suggestion - tell him you will give him three months to prove in some way he is worthy of an opportunity to reconcile. Watch his actions. Let him prove himself.

And for you - no helping him. Do not give him suggestions or tips to help him reconcile. Let him Man Up and prove to you he can do this in his own.

Otherwise you will be babying him the rest of your life.

Chaos posted 7/8/2019 11:35 AM

I want things too. I want to be a Unicorn. I can want to the stars, stomp my feet, cry, scream, beg and plead. It still won't make me grow a magical horn out of my head.

It sounds, though, like he has one up his a**.

Poor man-child still wants the best of both worlds. He wants his marriage, family and stability AND all the fun and frivolity with unattached bachelor life. He went and f**ked stripper(s) to get it. And now - damn it - someone took all his fun away and wants to replace it with responsibility 100% of the time.

He cries "I think I do". You'd be well within your right to tell man-child to man the f**k and figure it the f**k out because he can't have it both ways. If him going to therapy helps him figure it all out - good for him.

While man-child is figuring it all out - you move on with your life and your pregnancy/delivery/beautiful baby. IF and when he gets his head out of his ass - IF you are feeling like giving R a chance, that is up to you. IF not, I hope this therapy allows him to un-f**k himself so he can still be a good dad and perhaps have a good life.

You will soon have one new-born. You don't need another. So...oversimplified - WH can man the F up or get the F out. He can't have it both ways.

Lalagirl posted 7/8/2019 12:15 PM

Drop that mic, Chaos! I echo everything you said.

(((BB))) Sweetie, let's get that anger back for the time being, ok?

He Wants Therapy

No (IMHO), he wants to say what he must to keep you because since you tried on a pair of those beautiful bitch boots his head is spinning a bit. He knows how to push your buttons (that's not your fault).

Do you and the little one now. If he is truly serious, as other posters noted, he will make his OWN IC appointments, stick with them and show you that he is owning and fixing his shit so at the very least he can be a decent father.

Hugs...

Tallgirl posted 7/9/2019 02:45 AM

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I have read back a few strings - you are so strong. I am impressed.

Your boyfriend is all about himself. He is not doing any work to make himself a better person, a good father, and a better partner.

Please remember thinking about the fact you may like to try therapy is still doing nothing.

Actions and unswerving intent to be a safe partner and father is need3d.

I haven’t read this in your story. He is not remorseful. He is about him.

Please do not worry about her, the whore. Or compare yourself. There is no comparison and she is unimportant.

Please focus on your health and your child’s. Hugs.