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silverhopes posted 7/6/2019 00:15 AM

Just venting for a moment.

My H is back in jail. He hasn't lived here in almost three years. My son and I are doing well. I know life is better with just the two of us.

I'm so lonely.

Friends? Can't really afford to have those. Was doing some great nature illustration with a group a couple of times per month, but it's out for the summer. Still have a small internship at my former place of work, with a wonderful community. And yet... fucking lonely.

This is one of those endurance tests. Don't fail. Don't become desperate for human companionship. Acknowledge it, and then keep getting done what needs to get done. Work. Rest. Take care of health issues. Find things that are rewarding and don't require any sort of external validation. I think I've found such a thing. Something that fills me with joy, hope, and more than a small dose of mischief. A secret habitat restoration project that I can do alone.

Still. Fuckin'. Lonely.

OK, just wanted to express that to people who I know will get it. Thank you for listening.

Hugs to everyone here.

Justsomeguy posted 7/6/2019 00:33 AM

Yup. Hear ya. Hang in there. I'm feeling it too.

Kb82 posted 7/6/2019 03:12 AM

Im sorry and completely understand how you feel. Hugs to you. I have 4 kiddos who keep me super busy. I shouldn't be lonely with 4 kids, right? Haha Adult companionship is different though. It's great that you know to stay strong and not fall into a relationship just to have one. That's tough when you're lonely. I see it happen around me all the time. Get out of bad relationship, go right into another bad one. It's important to work on yourself and stick to boundaries you've set. Not lecturing, just talking to both you and myself. If I sound that way I'm sorry. I'm new in this game so still figuring out all the ropes. I hope that your loneliness fades and that your happiness flourishes. Hang in there. You're not alone.

Tallgirl posted 7/6/2019 03:36 AM

(((Silverhopes)))

Totally get it, been The same.

silverhopes posted 7/6/2019 11:26 AM

I'm sorry you folks have been experiencing this too. It's no fun.

Maybe we should brainstorm a list of all the benefits of being alone? It'd be cooler if it were an actual superpower. Hah.

That's tough when you're lonely. I see it happen around me all the time. Get out of bad relationship, go right into another bad one. It's important to work on yourself and stick to boundaries you've set.

So true.

In any case, I'm still married. Another relationship isn't an option. But it definitely helps to know I'm nowhere near healthy enough for one, even if I were single. Heck, I'm not even healthy enough for the marriage I'm in! It's making me sicker. And despite my H's assurances that he'll change - that we'll change - that he still tries to foist responsibility for his abusiveness onto me and onto society at large says he's not anywhere near healthy enough to come home. Though he's trying. And the courts are on his side.

My life is a mess. Better to be alone than invite anyone, even friends, into this craziness.

ETA: To clarify, I feel incredibly stuck. I've tried to leave him, and he won't let me go. I've asked for help and tried a lot of different things to get out of this abusive marriage, but so far, haven't found a way out. Still trying. Feeling incredibly pathetic for not being out yet.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:40 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

cancuncrushed posted 7/6/2019 16:39 PM

I was feeling very lonely….I was trauma bonded to my NPD ex...He was a terrible husband....he took up all my physical and mental time..I thought of him every second....now it feels very empty....a more peaceful empty...but lonely...

I have gone thru the realization, this could be forever, at best.....years....I need to heal...and not choose badly, if any opportunity arises...
holidays seem lonely....then I realize, its lonely all the days between the holidays....

and then...…..wh done some very dangerous things...to me, toward me....at me...we have been in court so many times....the shock and the level at which he is operating has changed everything....its about survival...I have completely totally let go of any thought of him, other then no contact....the loneliness has gone...

I don't know how to process or even guess what I feel...or will feel...I think loneliness might have been some residual pain....hanging on...a little rejection left over...the lack of control of your life shift...

I do fantasize about other men now...nice men...fun men...funny men....just for fun. My time is no longer spent on what if...if only...whats he doing? is he sorry?...... he no longer exists in my world....at all...

All of a sudden...lonely doesn't feel bad...lonely is part of a lesson...part of letting go...I feel further apart....I feel like I did it...finally..

You finally think your done....and you can be a whole lot more done....

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:47 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Emotionalhell posted 7/6/2019 17:32 PM

I have been dealing with loneliness off and on for sometime. And I still live with WH. I have to be careful that being lonely doesn't keep me here. I don’t know what is worse being alone and feeling lonely or living with someone and feeling lonely. I think they both suck. I never thought I be here dealing with loneliness.

[This message edited by Emotionalhell at 5:33 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

anoldlion posted 7/6/2019 20:34 PM

I dealt with criminals for 20 years working in the prison system. I saw women who stayed with men who were in and out of prison several times. I ask myself why do theses women stay married to these men. So I ask you why you stay married to your husband. I would be willing to bet that you would be much better off physically and mentally if you were divorced. If you were free you could do something about that loneliness. You are the only one that can free yourself. I do wish you well.

silverhopes posted 7/6/2019 20:56 PM

I’ve weighed the risks of each choice and have reason to believe the risks would be much higher if I push trying to leave. My instincts say that the safest scenario is if he decides to leave. Meaning he has to benefit from it somehow. That’s what I am trying to figure out.

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/7/2019 08:49 AM

Ypu mean that your life will be in danger if you leave? Sadly, that is the reality for most abused women. They are more likely to be killed if they try to leave. I wish law enforcement and the judicial system would take that more seriously.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone is a state of being. Being lonely is a feeling. There are ways to change your feelings. I hope you find them.

demolishedinside posted 7/8/2019 06:59 AM

Silver, have you talked to anyone at a DV shelter or called the hotline? Perhaps they can give you suggestions? Not sure where you are and I just have the number for my area, as I was trying to get resources for a friend. I can’t imagine all you’ve been through and feel but you aren’t alone. Please reach out, if you haven’t already.