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puffstuff posted 7/3/2019 11:17 AM

now, I am only a couple of weeks after DDay. My wife is still seeing and sleeping with him. She is sitting right on the fence and giving nothing away apart for "she has feelings for him". So after just a short period of time since Dday, I have no claim to wisdom and this is the writings of a still hurting mad man, but all the same.

Meditating today (i am a buddhist, not a very good one but still) I noticed that all my craving and grasping at her coming back was actually craving and grasping for THE FEELINGS THAT SHE CAUSES IN ME.

Nothing to do with her, not really. It is a potential loss of MY pleasent FEELINGS.

feelings she gives me such as: security, sexual pleasure, pride, "keeping up appearances" etc, comfort.

note the absence of love. I do love her. I love everythign about her. I think she is an amazing person. I love her touch. Her kindness. But I can still love her, no matter what she does. Love is not clingy. Love is seeing clearly and allowing her to go her own way. And me mine.

So I realised that we often have relations with people not because we like/love them, but purely because of the pleasant feelings they cause in us.Are we actually "loving" this person when they provide these nice feelings for us?

So if I do loose her, which is likely, I have to realise that the loss of those pleasent feelings are just that...feelings. and I will survive them. I will "return to me" as the buddhists sometimes say. I will still have a life of wonderful beauty and possibility. Feelings are not permanent.

anyone else get what i am talking about? Meditation is great for seeing how attached we are to certain feelings.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/3/2019 11:51 AM

I think you just had a big Ah-ha moment.

Early in my recovery someone said to me:

Feelings are not facts.

It took me a long time to understand.

WilliamM posted 7/3/2019 11:58 AM

You are in a bad place. You have a wife that is actively cheating on you openly. Please don't stand for this. You should take hard action. Bag up her clothes and place them on the porch of the man she is cheating with. File for divorce and have her served at his house. Tell her family and your family what she is doing. If the AP is married, tell his wife. Blow this affair up for all to see. Stop keeping up appearances. Stop letting her run all over you and dictate what she is going to do. You take charge. There is a saying here. If you truly want your marriage, you have to be willing and able to lose it. Do 180. Read about it in the Healing Library. Don't do the pick me dance with her. Don't accept being Plan B. She has shown you NO RESPECT. Believe what she is showing you is how she truly feels and file for divorce, inform everyone important in her life of the affair. If the AP is married, tell her. If this is a coworker, tell HR.

KonaGal posted 7/3/2019 11:58 AM

That is really wise insight. I have seen it mentioned on here before, that there is a lot of talking of the WS being "in a fog" but the BS often deceives themselves just the same.

Emotionalhell posted 7/3/2019 12:11 PM

Great insight! Thank you. I needed this today.

Shehawk posted 7/3/2019 12:34 PM

Thanks for sharing. I am Christian and I meditate also...on scripture, listening for the voice of God (as opposed to being too busy talking that I do not listen).

While I do care deeply about him above and beyond how he "makes me feel", I do think you identified MY fog spot on.

And what I need to do. If I love him then I let him be right where he chose to put himself...believing what he is choosing to believe, and doing what HE is choosing to do--even if it is believing that I am the cause of his infidelity and telling everyone I am all but the devil's daughter. You are oh so spot on. I need to practice a little (lot of) non attachment and non interference.

This spiritual discussion is prompting me to listen to my body and spirit and honor them as well. I am thinking I may take at least a partial day of rest where I may not even get up off the couch all day.
Not on the traditional day which would have been Saturday, but, regardless, right spiritual principle for me today.

Thanks for the topic.

The1stWife posted 7/3/2019 12:40 PM

Great point. Thanks for sharing.

I see what you mean. I think it’s hard to grasp the feeling of love at times. Especially when it’s not there.

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/3/2019 15:42 PM

I understand. It's good that you know you will be ok without her. Now, let her go. I agree with William. Pack up her shit and file for D. Are you still living together?

I think she is an amazing person.

I hope one day soon you will realize this is not true. She is not an amazing person. She is a lying, deceitful, cheater who doesn't care how you feel. Well, maybe she's amazing in that she thinks what she's doing is ok.

cancuncrushed posted 7/3/2019 16:30 PM

Im impressed with your calmness....and ability to analyze so soon...

Our dday was at 25 years of marriage...I couldn't imagine it ending...I couldn't imagine anyone treating another human this way, after so many years....

She may lose you...you are doing well...

Things can start to turn that way...I was consumed with his feelings for AP...how he might leave me...when in truth, it was my feelings changing..he lost me.....I didn't see that right away..

My self esteem was at a rock bottom....I felt I wasn't good enough....now I have zero respect for him...and he is not good enough....it was a pattern that took me by surprise.

The one lesson I learn over and over....is, that you cant even begin to guess where life will be in 5 years...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:34 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 7/4/2019 11:13 AM

I don't meditate, but I agree with your conclusions. Relationships are attachments ... but perhaps they work best when they are non-attached attachments. Part of that is wanting to want and to be wanted, not needing and needed.

The baseline understanding of your sitch is one thing. What you do about it is another. Are you ready to take action?

That's a neutral question - both 'yes' and 'no' can be healthy or unhealthy or partly both.

nowYOUseeME posted 7/4/2019 17:22 PM

I agree with you and I had an A- Ha moment at about 3 months after DD.

Like Sisoon says I realised I didnt need him in my life but wanted him there. That realisation got me out of a huge funk. Now I just have triggers and moments of needing to cry over who he became.

My life improved, my self worth improved and I am thankful for that moment in my gratitude diary.