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Thoughts on this behavior

I confronted my wh about sexting another female yesterday and I am wondering others thoughts on his behavior response

To start I Really wanted to wait u til after the holiday weekend but I couldn’t

I started with ‘I am not having a long conversation about this I know you have continued to lie to my face, deleted messages, and continue to have conversations with someone’

His response was casual, not all to defensive, and not at all you are dead wrong and I am going to prove it. No panic attacks either.

He said ‘I am not I leave my phone open for you. You and the kids mean everything to me. You are wrong I am not talking to anyone you just assume you know I am.

In his eyes I saw fear. Yes it could be because his biggest fear is me leaving. But to me I saw that oh-shit what does she really know look. His behavior was also not defensive he just kind of stood there and look at me.

This is all I ‘know’ twice I woke up to him on fb messenger while I was asleep I am 100% assuming it is a female he was talking to. I am fairly confident it was due to some clues (not once did he bring this female name up either when he was trying to prove I was wrong about what I know)

Anyway to add several months ago I did confront and was completely wrong about something and he hadnpanick attacks all night and kept saying ‘I’m not lying I’m going to prove it to you’...

Thoughts? Am I dead wrong on my assumption I have a idea I am right but I clearly could be dead wrong.

Either way I know I will never trust him again.

The fear you saw was probably not because

Yes it could be because his biggest fear is me leaving

. This isn't his biggest fear, could it be you are projecting?

If this would be his biggest fear then he would act very differently.

This

But to me I saw that oh-shit what does she really know look.

is probably more accurate reason. He's coldly assessing what you know and what he should confess and what not.

Why do you stay with him? It's not a rhetorical question (even if it should be) I'm genuinely curious.

When my H was cheating and I would confront him - he would stand there calmly and tell me “I’m not cHeating”. Very calm. Very composed. No emotion.

Now this was before cell phones and texts. This was a face to face affair. I knew this girl really really liked him and I watched the Affair unfold right In Front of me. He of course denied it.

If he’s on FB - 🚩

If he’s on FB while you are sleeping 🚩

Doesn’t mean he’s cheating but those are avenues for flirting etc. I would not trust it either. His behavior is cause for alarm or concern.

But his reaction to you confronting him - no idea if he is cheating based in that. But I will tell you he is not too bright IF he continues to stay in FB or social media given the state of your marriage.

If I were in his shoes I would not be doing what he is doing. If I really wanted to R I would make sure no doubt could be cast in my direction. And social media access casts doubt IMO.

Country girl... genuine question... how many moments like this are you going to have to deal with? He was on Facebook messenger at night... while you were asleep.... you know everything you need to know. His response is irrelevant, he lies, he hasn’t stopped.

ETA but as for reactions I’ve seen them all defensiveness, anger, pleading, distress when my WH was lying AND when he hasn’t been. It’s impossible to say that any reaction means they’re being more honest.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 6:37 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

While my WH's A was ongoing, any confrontation basically ended with him lying/denying/minimizing/gaslighting me.

Long story short, I kicked him out, we were almost completely NC (even sharing kids!) for three months, and are legallt separated.

I gave him another chance.

Now, if I suspect anything, he's the one trying his hardest to prove he's telling me the truth. He goes out of his way to be transparent, even when I'm not asking. He went out with his cousins one night, and they made a slight detour because one of them forgot something and he called me in a panic because he was worried I was watching him on GPS and he realized that he wasn't where he said he was and he was worried I was worried and upset and offered to come home immediately.

While his A was ongoing, there was a lot of talk about having to trust him again at some point and insisting he wasn't lying.

Now he says he knows I don't trust him, he doesn't blame me for not trusting him, he just wants a chance to earn it back.

You don't deserve a cheating, unremorseful spouse.

Sounds like gaslighting to me. He is trying to make you question what you know. My fch was always very calm when he was lying.

Agree that FB messenger at night while you are asleep is a red flag, especially if he doesn't show you the messages.

I'm with others. Why are you still with him? I assume you are hoping he will stop. He's not going to stop as long as you stay. He may not stop if you leave. Either way, you will get what you need.

Oh honey. You should throw him out. He is refusing to be transparent, which means he is lying by not sharing knowledge of things you should know.

The first and last rule of R is no more lies of any kind ever again.

You deserve better.

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. My phone and all devices are open to anyone because I have nothing to hide.

The fact you cannot see his phone at any time tells you all you need to know.

It's up to you to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you.

For me, life is too short to be with a partner that plays games.

If you draw this line in the sand, and present him with divorce papers, I predict he will then claim you are unreasonable blah, blah, blah.

See in his world, he believes he is better than you, he believes he does whatever he wants including lying and manipulating, and the minute you decide to disagree he goes for your weak spots.

Thanks everyone.

He actually came out to me this morning saying can we talk.

He lied for a bit and eventually told me the truth (well the truth to what I know) I never told him what I knew or how I found out. Nor do I plan on it.

His response was ‘I slipped up and didn’t tell you because I didn’t want that on you’

Of course every time I called his BS very calmly and short and factual. I was Not falling for his mind games.

End result I told him I am done and am leaving, due to lack of trust and respect and my overall health. Of course he threw the ‘the kids stay with me while you run away’ . Followed by don’t give up on me let’s go to MC.

He lied for a bit and eventually told me the truth (well the truth to what I know) I never told him what I knew or how I found out. Nor do I plan on it.

and...

His response was ‘I slipped up and didn’t tell you because I didn’t want that on you’

Of course every time I called his BS very calmly and short and factual. I was Not falling for his mind games.

then...

Of course he threw the ‘the kids stay with me while you run away’ . Followed by don’t give up on me let’s go to MC.

He's doing the Wayward Shuffle.

All you can do is stand your ground and do what is good for you.

End result I told him I am done and am leaving, due to lack of trust and respect and my overall health. Of course he threw the ‘the kids stay with me while you run away’ . Followed by don’t give up on me let’s go to MC.

I hope you will stick to what you said. If you don't, he won't worry next time you say something similar.

You can always do MC while separated. It's too early for MV, though. MC looks at marital issues. He needs IC for his own issues first. You probably do, too.

I am definitely going to leave .. even if for the week I have off I’ll go stay with my parents out of state. I told him in February one screw up I’m done. He messed up so I’m done. I said this to him I wish I could pack and get away today but unfortunately I can’t (no one knows about Any of what has happened besides my IC) I was working on getting all my ducks in a row to be able to walk away after I confronted him but what he kept nagging about yesterday brought on a huge panic attack and I just let it all go.

He just doesn’t get it (or chooses not to get it) either way I can’t keep it up I’ve had so many panic attacks (I had never experienced one until all this happened in February)

He even said ‘I don’t know what to do to get you to trust me’

That’s the only time I lost my cool momentary I said some pretty hurtful things..

I am definitely going to leave .. even if for the week I have off I’ll go stay with my parents out of state. I told him in February one screw up I’m done.

Whoa there missy. Please talk to an attorney before you leave and leave your kids. This can be consisdered abandonment in some states, and can lead to a less than desired outcome in D.

You need to verify that this action will not negatively impact your ability to parent your children.

Why not kick him out?

Really?

I have gone to go visit my family before. Not because of this situation clearly.

I just know I need space from him. He’s already on the ‘give it a year’ talk and no big decisions while angry . So I figured that was a safe place to visit guess not..

I’ll just be short and sweet with him until I get everything situated.

When I left my ex husband... we shared kid duties... he had them in the day, I had them at night. Then he got angry with me and took them. Because we had no parenting plan in place, and he is their father, I legally could not do anything until we went to court. He took them for 30 days!! And the law could do nothing, since he has every right to them I do. Please consult an attorney before your make any major decision!!

When I left my ex husband... we shared kid duties... he had them in the day, I had them at night. Then he got angry with me and took them. Because we had no parenting plan in place, and he is their father, I legally could not do anything until we went to court. He took them for 30 days!! And the law could do nothing, since he has every right to them I do. Please consult an attorney before your make any major decision!!

This is exactly why you should be careful.

Of course you deserve time and space away from him. You do. But if he knows that you're going to your parents' house as your first step to leaving, who knows what he will do or where he would take the kids. And even though if this went to trial in custody court, you don't ever want to be in a position of weakness where a judge will be questioning you about why you didn't bring the kids with you. So be careful even if that means pretending everything is fine for a while in the mean time.

No matter what you do, check out the 180 in the healing library and follow it. You KNOW that he is still cheating. You don't need to keep catching him. Just assume that he will never stop. Focus on yourself. Focus on your kids. Focus on getting out and completely ignore him. Give him one word responses whenever he talks to you. Be polite but frosty as hell.

Spouses have a right to feel safe from infidelity.

Once trust is broken the bar rises and he's held to an even higher standard - and he has the burden of proof to show he's faithful.

He should be taking the initiative to make you feel safe vs just responding to your inquiry. And when you inquire, he should be able to prove to you it's innocent (or he shouldn't do it).

Making assumptions based on my own experiences...

You were/are probably right on both occasions. The calm exterior and denials is pretty common...as is the only coming to what you can absolutely prove. My first absolute confrontation with XH (many many years ago) was so much less about what he was actually doing (the cheating) - and more relief from finally having some peace within my gut. I spent many more years with further denials, minimizations, etc. But in the end, my gut turned out to be right about all of it. You may not have the exacts...but the gut feeling is pretty reliable. There was also the “tell” behind all of XH’s denials, calmness...the fear in his eyes, the poundings heart - no matter how calm he appeared on the outside. I’m a firm believer that there is an energy that is present when we are being actively deceived. If we pay more attention to that than the words, we end of getting the truth. Sometimes it’s just hard to do that when the truth is so heartbreaking.

You are wrong I am not talking to anyone you just assume you know I am.

This is him gaslighting. Instead of taking responsibility, see how he makes the situation your fault? Not his? "You just assume". He makes you to be the crazy, overreacting wife instead of saying "I did something wrong, and I am sorry".

My WH does this to me. I can present hard evidence and he still tries to do this to me. Once you see it, you will start noticing it more. It is also not the behavior of someone that feels guilty or is truly sorry.

Whatever you decide to do, just know that you deserve happiness and honesty. Also, please look into the 180 process for personal healing. It has helped me tremendously. Feel free to message me if you need to talk.

[This message edited by Kb82 at 5:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

You were/are probably right on both occasions. The calm exterior and denials is pretty common...as is the only coming to what you can absolutely prove. My first absolute confrontation with XH (many many years ago) was so much less about what he was actually doing (the cheating) - and more relief from finally having some peace within my gut. I spent many more years with further denials, minimizations, etc. But in the end, my gut turned out to be right about all of it. You may not have the exacts...but the gut feeling is pretty reliable. There was also the “tell” behind all of XH’s denials, calmness...the fear in his eyes, the poundings heart - no matter how calm he appeared on the outside. I’m a firm believer that there is an energy that is present when we are being actively deceived. If we pay more attention to that than the words, we end of getting the truth. Sometimes it’s just hard to do that when the truth is so heartbreaking.

THIS!!! Those gut feelings mean something, and its not that you are crazy or overreacting. I too, was minimized, called crazy, and lied to for years. Once you get concrete proof, its a relief because you learn to trust yourself again. Perfectly said Truthsetmefree.