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Wool94 posted 6/20/2019 13:04 PM

My wife dropped a major bombshell last night.

Let me set the tone.

Father's Day was Sunday. I get up, not expecting much, but at least a card from my wife and kids or just anything...

While I'm in the shower, my wife is brushing her teeth. I just happen to mention that today is Father's Day.

The response I got was, oh I must've dreamed I told you happy Father's Day.

When we get to church, they had the fathers a little station at the front door setup with breakfast foods.

While I'm eating my second konechu sausage wrap, my wife actually calls me a pig. Not in a playful way but really more of a hurtful way.

I made the comment that at least somebody got me something.

Money is tight, so we head home for lunch, that is fine.

She starts to fry us up some hamburgers but they just didn't taste right. So instead of coming up with plan b, she fixes herself a bowl of cereal them takes a long nap.

Still, really no acknowledgment of what day it is.

I'm really starting to get more and more upset.

I finally take her phone in front of her post a message about what a great dad I am on fb. Then I hand it back to her.

Even at bedtime, no real acknowledgment that this should've been my day.

Monday and Tuesday roll on with no incident, but it is still burning inside me. It's really beginning to rage.

My wife is in her third week of a new job. It's a blessing for sure, but she's not even working 8 hrs a day.

When she gets home last night she tells me she's too tired to go to church with me. I think in some ways that also triggered me back to her affair when she always had some reason not to go.

Before I left, she asked me why I was so mad.

So I just lit into her before I left (never physically). She had mentioned that I was selfish last Sunday. That flew all over me at the time.

I told her how selfish I must've been when I bought her the brand new truck that I had wanted or worked my whole life so she could stay home with the kids or take substitute teaching jobs when she wanted to.

How selfish I must've been when I made sure the kids had her a Mother's Day gift and when I fixed her lunch that day.

So when I come in from praise team practice, she's laying in bed.

We're starting to go to sleep and she's crying. She's says she sorry she's been such a horrible wife.

Listen, I've heard this line time and time again.

I have a conversation with her nearly weekly about showing me any kind of physical affection. A kiss, a hug.... anything!!!! She can show the cats, but not her husband!

Then she drops the bombshell. She says that she's only told one other lady at church about what she was about to tell me. So, I wait... it took a few minutes.

She said that when she was 9 that one of her brothers friends sexually molested her. She's only told the one person recently.

In my eyes, it made so many of the puzzle pieces that I've had over the years actually fit.

So, I just held her. I really didn't and still don't know what to say or do.

I guess that's where I need the advice.

Thanks for reading my book.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 1:09 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 6/20/2019 13:15 PM

Oh, Wool94, I am so sorry for you and your wife.

I haven't been in that situation at all and I have no advice. But, it seems like your wife probably buried this for years and years. She is finally coming to a place where she is starting to confront the issue.

Do you have insurance? I know you said money is tight, but I really feel like your wife needs counseling. Most communities have some kind of rape crisis hotline's. Can you call them and see if there is some kind of group support or can they suggest some kind of support or counseling for your wife?

KonaGal posted 6/20/2019 13:22 PM

I am so sorry. I have a loved one that was sexually assaulted and it took her a few tries to find a fabulous therapist, but it was sooo worth it. She found someone who was not only experienced with sexual assault but also PTSD (because honestly the latter is very common afterward). It was life changing. Your community may offer free referral services or hotlines that could guide you in the right direction. I know there is RAINN nationally. They would also be of benefit to you since it's also a lot for you to take in. Best wishes.

Wool94 posted 6/20/2019 13:24 PM

Thank you SMS. Fortunately my job has an excellent EAP. I will suggest that, but it will really be her decision. My heart really breaks for her.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/20/2019 13:27 PM

BTW, I don't feel you were a pig for eating a second sausage and it was rude of your wife to tell you that. Sexually assaulted or not, and maybe it is coming out sideways, but that was uncalled for.

devotedman posted 6/20/2019 13:28 PM

Go to the i can relate fotum of SI and read the 2nd post of the Sexual abuse survivors spouses part 3 thread. There are online and offline resources there.

Good luck to the both of you and a fist bump to her from a fellow survivor.

Stevesn posted 6/20/2019 13:41 PM

Having an open and honest discussion with you, her spouse, about the pain she has suffered in her life is paramount and a major step.

But why did that have to come with criticizing you and ignoring you on Father’s Day? Is she sorry for that? I couldn’t tell if her apology to you was sarcastic or sincere? Have you talked more about that since?

Yes she needs to heal herself, but does she show any concern for how she has treated you and your pain? Or is she too far gone in her own to be able to acknowledge that and try to help you as well?

Sorry if I am off base.

Wool94 posted 6/20/2019 13:42 PM

Thank you everyone!

Wool94 posted 6/20/2019 13:44 PM

Stevesn, I don't know how to answer that.

We've not had a chance to discuss anything today. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning. We will have a better chance to talk tonight.

ChamomileTea posted 6/20/2019 13:46 PM

I'm sorry to hear about the sexual abuse and I agree with everyone else who says she needs to take that up in therapy. But, what does that have to do with not being thoughtful of you on Father's Day or dropping a rude comment on you in church? We don't know if this was a rape by an older boy or kids playing "doctor", but what we do know is that it's not happening right now. And yeah, I get it that things come to your mind years afterward and these things can affect your mood today. But still, this rings like a bit of a "poor me" conversation show-stopper.

My advice would be to send her back to IC and don't feel bad about calling her on her poor treatment of you. It's Thursday. She's got time for a do-over. Consider asking her if she wants to try again for a family Father's Day on Sunday. After all, it's one thing to be sorry, but that doesn't mean one shouldn't rectify it.

Stevesn posted 6/20/2019 13:46 PM

Duplicate

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:46 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

Napa posted 6/20/2019 14:06 PM

I rarely ever post. I am a major narcissist but I was also molested as a child and this exactly what I would have done in this situation. I think when a child is molested it is the worst thing that could happen and I hope she gets help. However, she took the focus off of your feelings and you comforted her. Classic behavior.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 6/20/2019 14:07 PM

Am I the only one giving this a hard side eye? First of all why suddenly drop that bombshell now? Why has she never in all your years together brought this up? What made her decide to open up now?

Aside from that, her treatment of you on Father's Day was inexcusable. You had to go on her FB to create a post about Father's Day from her? Even I created a FB for my WH on Father's Day.

Money is tight? She could have made you a nice breakfast. Cooked your favorite dinner and maybe a dessert. Something other than insult you, ignore you and go take a nap. She didn't do one thing for you. Zero effort. Now this revelation?

Sorry Wool, I love ya but something about her actions just reeks to me.

((((Hugs))))

Pippin posted 6/20/2019 14:15 PM

Wool94, I'm sorry to hear that your Father's Day was not what you wanted or expected or hoped for, and even more sorry that your wife has been holding in this hurt for so long.

I have a running theory that a large majority of women on the wayward board have been abused. Not that all abused women cheat, or that all women who cheat were abused, but it's a much higher ratio than chance. Being abused created so many problematic emotions, coping mechanisms, distorted views of reality, etc.

I think many women have a hard time defining what happened to them as abuse because there are so many stories where children had it worse, or the women (as children) felt that they were responsible in some ways. So your wife has taken an important first step.

And along with abuse, there is often neglect. Imagine your wife had told her family and been well cared for. That didn't happen, did it? In many ways neglect can be worse. Your body being used (by an adult or by another child) for their sexual gratification is horrible. The people who are supposed to care for you not wanting to know because it's inconvenient, or the burden of carrying a secret you think your parents won't help you with, is traumatic.

I think it would be wonderful if you would read Wounded Heart by Dan Allender to understand more what she might need, or perhaps listening or reading it together, if she is willing.

And the sexual abuse survivors thread can help you understand what may be going on in her mind.

Prayers for you, and your wife.

[This message edited by Pippin at 2:20 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

Justsomeguy posted 6/20/2019 14:36 PM

Ok. So please take this with a grain of salt. I cant speak to your situation, but it certainly speaks to mine. My STBXWW was incapable of showing my empathy or following through on any life changes. The promise would be kept for 4-5 days and then forgotten. She refused to apologize and played the victim. If she did apologize, it was a ploy as she would be a horrible person. Agsin, another tactic. She has major FOO issues, but is s master manipulator. She is not a full blown narcissist, but displays many traits. So she is on the spectrum. It was not until I saw the matrix, so to speak, that I could navigate it.try reading on NPD and journaling in a clinical way about how she treats you. When i was suicidal, she was concerned about the dog being depressed.

Shadowfax1 posted 6/20/2019 14:49 PM

Woman admits she was *raped* at *age 9*.

Asks husband for help.

SI members post: “yeah that’s kind of a bummer but let’s get back to that insensitive Father’s Day behavior.” Are you out of your fucking minds?

Charity411 posted 6/20/2019 14:54 PM

(((Wool94))) I'm sorry for what happened to her, and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Your post resonated with me because my identical twin sister was sexually abused by my brother who was 8 years older than we were for two years when we were between 8 and 10. He did not abuse me.

I have lived with the aftermath my whole life. It is really important for her to get good counseling, and I would suggest that you get counseling too. My sister went to counseling, on and off over the years. I don't think the early efforts were good ones. Reading your post I saw behaviors in your wife that are very much like my sister's.

My sister married someone who very much tries to shield her from any unpleasantness. They never had kids, she hasn't worked in 40 years, he will do absolutely anything for her and yet she is downright rude and nasty to him, in front of other people. She lives a wonderful life of world travel and top tier dining and entertainment. And yet she's never happy. And if she's not happy no one is.

My sister is a very smart and talented person. She is a fantastic artist. And yet when she meets anyone new, within 20 minutes she will tell them she's a victim of sexual abuse. It's almost as though it is all she identifies with.

On the rare occasion that someone calls her on her rudeness or bad behavior, she will go into melt down and insist that she's not like other people because of what happened to her and you have no right to expect anything of her or criticize her because you just don't get it. Then everyone scrambles around to try and make sure she is happy again.

We are now in our 60s. Until about two years ago, I was very much an enabler of this behavior. I am the closest person to her besides her husband as she cut off everyone else in our family decades ago. I finally realized I was part of this bad dynamic when I went to Al-Anon to learn to cope with my daughter's alcoholism. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I was not helping her by trying to keep her happy, nor is her husband.

What I am trying to say to you is, while it's important to be empathetic, comforting and supportive, it is also important that you not check your own feelings at the door. You had every right to feel disrespected on Fathers Day. I find it telling that as soon as you finally voiced your displeasure with that treatment, that's when she chose to tell you about the abuse.

When I finally called my sister out on truly rude and insensitive treatment of me in a public place, she completely cut me out of her life for about a year and a half. How dare I abuse the abused. I can't blame her. Her husband and I trained to think that way. And it works for her. Every time she faces any criticism at all she reminds the offender that she's a victim and she gets her way.

You are early on in this revelation about her abuse. A good counselor and some research on your part regarding how to deal with it in the confines of marriage will make a world of difference. Just like no one teaches us human beings how to deal with abuse until after it's already done, no one teaches us family members the right way to react either. Being proactive about it will make you a hero in her eyes, which is way better than being the doormat.

KonaGal posted 6/20/2019 15:18 PM

Can we please not cast doubt on why she decided to reveal this info now. I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume that this wasn’t the biggest fight that they’ve ever had so it’s not some card she’s been holding on to waiting to play. It’s not uncommon for people who have been victims of sexual assault to have issues with intimacy, not necessarily with sex. They get in the habit of pushing people away. You don’t have to be her punching bag, but don’t pursue redress over Fathers Day.

barcher144 posted 6/20/2019 15:30 PM

Hey Wool94. I am sorry about all of this. I don't know what to say that's helpful, except that you have my support and if you ever need to lean on someone... I'm here.

She's says she sorry she's been such a horrible wife.

Before you got to the bombshell part, this quote reminded me of my STBXWW and her "toxic shame". Something here is wonky, I think. She's hurting, for sure.

SI members post: “yeah that’s kind of a bummer but let’s get back to that insensitive Father’s Day behavior.” Are you out of your fucking minds?

I can see why you would say that because you are new to SI. But but Wool94 and MalibuBayBreeze have been here a long, long time and they have had numerous hard conversations before. MBB has earned the right to question Wool's wife's honesty... and he knows that.

We have hard conversations on SI. Many times, we develop these weird relationships (because we rarely meet each other IRL) where there is tremendous trust.

Please stick around. These relationships are the best part of SI.

Wool94 posted 6/20/2019 15:39 PM

Well said barcher. I am listening and I am taking every thing that is being said and processing it.

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to help me with this.