SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Its been about 2.5 years since d-day. Emotionally I'm in an ok spot overall. I don't dwell on it all day anymore. I've quit drinking (1+ year), started exercises (2+ years). I'm in a much better place now than I was 2 years ago, even 1 year ago. I'd like to tell a bit of my story to see if anyone can relate, and if this is "normal" (whatever normal is).

This post relates to sex. When it was first discovered about my wife's infidelity we HB'd for about 1 year, maybe a bit longer. Then things started slowing down. At some point about 1 year ago I (slowly) stopped being attracted to my wife, or caring or wanting any sex in any form at all. At this point I'm fully turned off anything related to sex. I hate thinking about it, I hate doing it, I don't look at my wife or any woman for that matter with any kind of sexual trigger or urge at all. That part of me is dead. At this point I don't really care thats its dead either. Its brought me so much pain and sex is awkward and I think about weird stuff. I just avoid it. Anyone else have a similar experience?

Have you had your testosterone checked? You may be suffering from a low T count.

Just wanted to let you know I read your post and I am sorry you are having this issue.

Yes I feel exactly like you (((Nelson80)))

I could have written this myself just switch genders.

You have achieved a greater consciousness.

Some of my buddies have mentioned this to me.

From a male point of view, this doesn’t sound normal. I can see being turned off by your WW, but not sex in general? I would make an appointment and have your t level checked. Especially since you are only 39.

[This message edited by LostHope8008 at 1:50 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

@SisterMilkshake I did have my T checked, it was within normal parameters. I was wondering about that as well.

Thank you for your response.

@LostHope8008

I'm 39... I'm in good shape (now) T levels are normal, just psychologically its not there lol This would have bugged me before but now, for whatever reason, I just have no interest or motivation for that at all. Its strange for sure and something I've never experienced in my life until this point.

[This message edited by Nelson80 at 1:52 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

I'm all about saying how I still like sex with WH. And make it all about me.

BUT what I don't admit is the heartbreaking realization afterward that what gave me so much pleasure - gave AP that same feeling [one can assume]. And that those places I touched and felt AP touched and felt too. That intimacy is no longer special. That intimacy is tainted. He held her that way too. She touched him there too.

Yeah - I'll still F*** my WH. I enjoy it too.

But that's all it is. Anything else stabs me in the heart and renders me inconsolable. Just writing this is excruciating.

I'm so sorry you feel this way Nelson80. So damn sorry.

Nelson, I missed your tag that said you were 39. I don’t know brother, it seems rare that a 39 year old male would lose desire for sex. Again, I could see you having no desire with your wife, but not in general. I’d think I’d speak to your doctor even though your t level was tested. I would suspect that most middle aged men that are not having regular sex with their wives would be punching the clown at least a couple times a week. Maybe you may need some IC to get past this if it’s not a medical issue? Are you in IC?

@SisterMilkshake I did have my T checked, it was within normal parameters. I was wondering about that as well.

If you don't mind sharing, what were your numbers. This is an area that needs further investigation; the ranges given on the test are "normal" yes, but if you're total test is 200, while it will show "normal" that's about the average level for an 80 year old man. Total and free test are the numbers that matter, if you don't mind sharing, those might help determine if this is a problem or not. But, absent some other indication, this type of thing is very commonly hormonal, either low T or high E (estrogen). Your E2 number, if you got that test, would be very helpful as well (estradiol).

If you have normal/high T and normal/low E2, it's near impossible to not have "the urge". You give women T and lower their E2 (like female bodybuilders do) and they get just as sex crazy as your typical teenager. It's not an entirely straight line, no, some people really do have high T/low E2 and still no desire for sex, but it's very rare. Especially since you say it's not just being turned off by your WW (normal, IMHO), but being totally uninterested in sex (not normal, IMHO).

All that said, for a long time in my M, I thought about taking drugs to kill my sex drive. It was THE problem in my relationship, I was very motivated by it/interested in it, my WW not (well, until she met the AP, of course). So, while I think this is probably a medical issue that can be fixed, I also wonder, should it be fixed? Do you want it to be fixed? I know, speaking for myself, I'd have a lot more brain cells to devote to other things if sex wasn't such a potent motivator.

After I felt for certain she was cheating there was times I couldn't get it up or I was struggling to keep it up during sex.

When I was younger I was at it 3-5 times every day via sex or masturbation, and later became sceptical of getting married after hearing from so many many men saying how their girlfriends/wives lose interest in frequent sex after a while. And yet for me its the opposite, I'm 42 and for the last maybe 10 years I've only been "fully" hard for sex once every 2 sometimes 3 days.

Meanwhile her sex drive has gone crazy she can easily do it once every day, honestly she'd orgasm the night before then wake me up before work getting me hard as she wanted it again. My work colleagues didn't believe me they were making all sorts of jokes of how they wish their OH's were like that and things.

T/J:

All that said, for a long time in my M, I thought about taking drugs to kill my sex drive

RIO, that's exactly what I did two months ago. Surprisingly, hers increased slightly while mine decreased, and we have found a good middle (for now).

End T/J.

Doesn't sound normal for your age. If it's a problem for you or your W, I recommend taking action. If it's not, so be it...wait... use it or lose it.

Are you sure you want to stay together?

Sorry to hear that's happening.

Assuming when you say anything related to sex you mean anything related to sex, i.e. you're not using porn a lot as an example.

On top of the suggestions about what your doctor says, individual therapy may be in order... to deal with the underlying issues and pain here. Do you have someone you see for IC or can you?

I mean it may be work but a sexless marriage probably isn't good for either of you. My best friend is in a sexless marriage and he's learned to live with it, but why settle if you can work toward something better.

Sucks to be in this position but kudos on the positive life changes with exercise and sobriety.

Could it partly be that you’re just burnt out on sex? Has the HB gotten you to the point where your sex supply is saturated, for lack of a better word?

When I was dating/first few years married to my W, she had a ridiculously high sex drive. Morning, noon and night! She would come home on her lunch break just to have sex, forgoing lunch in itself. I should’ve been in heaven, right? Here I was in my mid 20’s getting laid like tile everyday, with a wide variety of sexual items and acts available to me. I’ll be honest, I got sick of it almost. Too much of a good thing. Maybe that’s partly what your issue is?

I know that now at 38, my sex life with my wife is almost the opposite of what I described before. I wish 18 year old me and 38 year old me could sit down with 28 year old me and tell him to enjoy every second of it, because that was as good as it was ever going to get!

I hate to ask TMI, but do you still enjoy doing it on your own? Perhaps with some visual aid?

Time for IC.

As much as I would love to turn my libido off and just focus on the many other aspects of life, this doesn't sound very healthy. I agree with SMS, get your T checked.

Nelson,

Perhaps WW being 4 years older than you she may be showing signs here and there of aging, that would be ok except that in the context of her cheating it could subconsciously repulse you.

Depression also undermines the desire for sex.

It’s not uncommon to have an aversion to sex following a sexual trauma. I think maybe we just see it less frequently with infidelity than with other sexual traumas. Have you considered IC?

A WW's sexual infidelity is emasculating to a BH. Sexual trauma. HB is a way to avoid feeling or addressing the trauma, but it's temporary. Eventually, the trauma will catch up with you. I reckon this is what you're experiencing.

From your other posts, it sounds like there has been some rug-sweeping concerning the A. As long as this continues, your healing will be stalled.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:09 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]