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Significant update & advice needed please

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Robert22205https posted 6/4/2019 12:29 PM

Does H contribute to the children's support or spousal support?

Do you have family or a close friend that can act as an intermediary in event of an emergency? Otherwise never communicate with this joker.

josiep posted 6/4/2019 13:20 PM

So thankfully he is kind of cornered now either way, I would just rather he sign on Monday and keep it straight forward, to avoid me incurring any further legal costs. He has no idea that I intend to ask the court to order that he reimburse my costs so far, once he has signed.

I was going to suggest that you tell him that if he doesn't sign on Monday that you're going to ask the court for more than you're currently asking. Give him an incentive to sign, so to speak. But I see you're already one step ahead of me.

Alternatively, you could call the gf and ask her to get him to sign and say, "He keeps telling me he doesn't want to lose me but I don't want him anymore, can you please get him to sign these papers and get him out of my hair?"

Obviously, that was all tongue in cheek. But I love how strong and put together you sound. When we pool our thoughts and ideas here on S.I., I know it helps me feel stronger and more capable. One of these days, this giant club we've formed here at S.I. might just be a catalyst to changing the world view of adultery and infidelity.

brokendreamer posted 6/4/2019 14:24 PM

Robert:
He has never given me a single penny since the day he left, though occasionally he buys things for son. The car for instance, but then it is on finance and he uses it to maintain control of son.

Josie:
The fundamental thing is, that I have had time to accept that the marriage is over and to put everything in place regarding the divorce and finances. My solicitor is ready to go and kick his ass, but it has been a hard road saving up to pay for it all. Hopefully now (if he signs) I can start to get closure. In contrast, I do not think he has even remotely considered the consequences and as such, he is unprepared and has not even reached the basic level of acceptance yet, that the marriage is over.

Roll on Monday! might be Tues by the time I collect the signed papers from him and get them to my solicitor. I have waited a long time for this closure, finally I can see an end, I just hope it is not the illusion of an oasis in the desert.
Hugs, thank you for your support x

[This message edited by brokendreamer at 2:24 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 6/4/2019 16:19 PM

BD, I hope you shut the door on this clown. Trying to play both sides, and than control your son with the car. Your son is 17, and he should have a say in if he wants his dad around all the time.

YOu've got an enviable relationship with your son, and no OW, or Money can ever make that up.

Keep moving forward, better days are ahead for you and your son. This remorseless child will be living with his parents forever.

Lalagirl posted 6/5/2019 06:49 AM

Roll on Monday!
(Envisioning that scene in The Green Mile)

brokendreamer posted 6/5/2019 10:39 AM

Lol Lala that made me smile.

Halftime, thank you so much for your kind words, you are absolutely right.

Well today is his B'day, the emails and contact have stopped for the past 24 hours, I overheard son telling his grandmother that his father is 'relaxing at home' He then followed it up with 'they will probably do something later when she (OW) gets home' Looks like she has really pushed the boat out for him then haha. How very strange that the emails stop abruptly when he is with her, whoever would have seen that coming !!!!

At least I am getting some peace and next week is drawing ever closer.
BD

brokendreamer posted 6/5/2019 12:17 PM

Hi everyone

I have to be honest and say that today I am feeling a little down and melancholy. Thinking about why, I am sure it is because it his his major milestone birthday, the same one of mine last year that he left.

I guess it has triggered me a little, 18 months ago I could never have guessed that our 50's would have been spent apart and under such sad, painful circumstances. We had always planned that once we both turned 50, we would start enjoying life together, the kids grown up, time for us to enjoy holidays and quality time together. I think it has just been a big reminder today of how utterly painful and sad things have turned out instead. I am feeling the twinges of heartache and feeling a little sorry for myself, just being honest. I will be glad when today is over and those papers are signed next week. I desperately need the closure now to fully heal and move on.

On the positive side, I am keeping myself busy and have treated myself to some luxury bubble bath and a good bottle of wine :)

Hope everyone is doing ok
Hugs BD x

tushnurse posted 6/5/2019 12:30 PM

(((BD))))

It's ok to feel a bit down, it's all part of it. Remember it takes 2-5 years to heal from this, it doesn't matter the path you travel S or D or R, it still takes time.

So feel the feels, then evaluate how things are now, and how much better off you are and all the accomplishments of the past year you have made. Be proud of who you are.

brokendreamer posted 6/5/2019 13:37 PM

Thank you Tush (((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

I needed to hear that, you are a sweetheart

BD x

Lalagirl posted 6/5/2019 14:18 PM

((((brokendreamer))))

Hang in there, sweetie; the rollercoaster sucks. It'll get better.

brokendreamer posted 6/5/2019 15:01 PM

LaLa thank you so so much, don't know what I would do without my fabulous friends here. Hugssssssssssssssssssssss x

Tallgirl posted 6/5/2019 16:49 PM

I want you to post "post wine"!!! Enjoy your treats.

I know it is so sad - who imagines that. Spouses turn into asshats. I just had a bunch of big dates pass - anniversaries, antiversaries, Bdays (WH & whore shared same Bday), Kids bdays, grads.... I refused to speak to WH on those days, made it easier.

brokendreamer posted 6/6/2019 12:44 PM

Lol Tallgirl,

Post wine would be hilarious, I develop a very sarcastic, dry sense of humour, we should all have a SI party sometime! Everyone get a drink and let's share some laughter at the the expense of WS and AP's haha.

Actually I could use some advice please if anyone is free, I was a bit shocked and p**sed off earlier. So stbxh as you know, has been bombarding me for past few days with very pleasant, friendly and complimentary emails. So it seems he returned to be with OW 2 days ago, to incorporate his Birthday, the contact from him suddenly stopped, apart from 1 or 2 civil messages via son re his car insurance.

I have as I said, responded to him a few times, keeping it equally civil, polite but cool and to the point. However something strange has occurred which has upset me deeply and it actually made me feel shaky and sick earlier, a feeling I have not had for a long time now thankfully. So let me explain! almost from the day we met 21 years ago, I had a nickname for him, which is very unusual, I don't want to post it here as it is so random, it would identify me if he or his OW ever found out I was on here and this is my safe place. But I will give you an example of the kind of thing it is. Let's say for the sake of anonymity it is 'little blue egg' (God I'm strange at times haha) it is a name which is completely random and which all our friends and family smiled at, it was special to me and ex. It was my term of endearment for him and not a word or phrase which anybody would really use, like 'hun' or 'darling' or 'babe' It is what I called him almost all the time, but no one else does.

So, in one of the emails I sent to him in reply, I inadvertantly addressed him by that name, more out of habit and as soon as I sent it. I also used it in a shortened form as I often did, so say for example 'little blue' I thought 'shit' but I dismissed it as it has always come so naturally, I did not think he would bat an eyelid and I did not want to draw further attention to it by apologising. So as you see, it is a very unique nickname similar to little blue egg, not something OW could guess or use coincidentally.

So I thought nothing more of it, until this afternoon. A mutual friend messaged me and said BD go look at her (OW's) FB page, I asked why, she said you won't believe what she has posted. being a nosy cow the temptation was too much, so I used a fake account to go look. OW posted a photo of him and her taken yesterday, which didn't bother me as none of my business and I didn't see the problem at first. Then I spotted the caption she wrote: it said 'Happy Birthday my 'Little Blue' (substitue real nickname) love you. I felt this cold sweat come over me and started shaking, I can only describe it as me feeling violated, I was deeply upset. That name was always special and unique to us, it is NOT something she could ever have guessed. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and the tears came thick and fast. I truly felt sickened, it was as though she had infringed on my past, taken what was a very special and personal thing to us during our marriage and hijacked it. I am struggling to explain how and why this has hurt me so badly, it probably sounds silly, but it put a knife through my heart.

At that point my elder son and his girlfriend arrived and found me crying, he immediately asked what had happened. I told them and he said 'Jeez that is sick and well below the belt, that was your name for 'ex' all your lives, everyone knows that' he went on to say 'that woman (OW) is not mentally stable, that is a very disturbing thing to do mum, she is having a dig at you in such a cruel way'

I calmed down and thought, how the F did she know that name, then it dawned on me that I had used it in that one reply email. So, I have conclude that there are only a couple of ways she could have found out.
1) She has gone through his emails without him knowing.
2) He has told her, but I cannot see him doing that as why would he? Oh by the way ex used to call me 'little blue egg'

It is also very very coincidental that she posted this within a day or two of me sending that email. She posted it at 23.30 last night (his B'day) which seems odd, rather late at night an since he was there with her, why post it on FB? In addition he deleted his FB account again this morning, something he has been doing recently when they fight or he is back up here.

Trust me when I say, that I know him inside out and that will not have gone down well. More so because I have been nothing but polite to him the past week and he even said himself in one email 'BD thank you for being so kind and understanding, when you have no reason to be at all' So we were on good, civil terms re son and both of us were relieved at that. Although I blocked his emails, our last communication was again civil, friendly and complimentary on his part, when he agreed to sign the divorce papers. So he had no reason to speak to her about my nickname or to want to offend me, I KNOW he didn't tell her. Plus he had far more to lose than me as I have kept all his 56 emails, it was not in his interests to disclose anything to her.

So I can only assume that she has gone through his email account and if she has, she will not like what she has seen, on his part, not mine. The fact he has now deleted his FB account and an hour ago, I received an email from him, sent from sons email account saying 'hey BD is all well? how is 'son'

My elder son asked 'but mum why would she post it on her FB if she doesn't think you could see it? She isn't stupid, she is very calculating an no doubt assumes as I would, that I have an alt account to see her timeline and pics. She cannot contact me directly, so I think she was seething last night and used the only option she had in the hope I would see it. Maybe she didn't want to admit to him that she had gone through his emails, but wanted to make a point, either to me or to him, that she has seen them. I think they probably had a fight about it, especially if she read all the emails he sent to me. That is why he deleted his account and has tested the water by emailing me again this afternoon. I have not responded and do not intend to. The woman is psycho and I think he has realised it, even her ex bro in law warned me that she was evil and dangerous, not mentally right.

How DARE she use that name that I made up myself, I am furious, hurt and angry right now.
My head is up my ass, I have no idea what is going on between them and frankly I do not care, but I do not want dragging into their issues when I have done nothing wrong. Using that pet name was not something I think was accidental or coincidence. It was directly aimed at me or him, or both.

I would really really appreciate some advice right now and thoughts on this situation. There is also a nagging concern in the back of my mind that she is capable of unthinkable acts and that worries me. Let us not forget this woman tried to stab her ex husband in front of their kids, so she is more than prepared to resort to extreme violence when provoked or challenged.

I cannot tell my husband as I do not want him to know I looked at her FB. What an absolute, psycho deranged bitch she is! Please advise and share your thoughts on this matter, I need it badly.

Thank you all
BD x

Lp0725 posted 6/6/2019 14:24 PM

I think she looked through his email, saw everything, and posted that on FB just to be a snarky bitch. Your STBX is a complete narcissist from what I've read, so I wouldn't worry about him. He chose this, so whatever happens from here on out is entirely his fault. Neither of them are your problem anymore. I think you should tell your friend that you appreciate the effort, but you no longer care to hear what's going on in their world anymore, and she shouldn't tell you anything unless it's truly an emergency, like this psycho is making threats or something. Continue ignoring STBX. He's clearly fishing around to see if you're receptive to his manipulation, and the absolute worst thing you can do is give him the impression he has any hold over you anymore. After all the truly evil horrible things he's said and done to you, you are better off never having any interaction with him again. You're still not fully healed, and he could possibly send you spiraling again if you allow any further contact. You've been so so strong and are doing so much better now. Continue with NC. Good on you for blocking him, although it looks like he just keeps finding ways to weasel around it. Him and that psycho whore deserve each other. Let him feel the full consequences of his disgusting behavior.


brokendreamer posted 6/6/2019 15:23 PM

Thanks LP, you are absolutely right x

ChamomileTea posted 6/6/2019 15:27 PM

I'm sorry that happened to you, BD. I do think you've already made the best determination, to not engage. These bitches need triangulation. They savor it. It's what keeps the affair drama going. Honestly, even knowing the mechanics of it, I can't for the life of me understand why anyone would be willing to live their life like that.

Anyway... ((big hugs))

NoOptTo posted 6/6/2019 15:47 PM

It is quite possible STBXH told her too. It's a term of endearment to him. He probably doesn't care who is saying it to him. It's his nickname from who ever is his SO at the present. Just like when we were kids. Yes, you coined the the name. It SO special to you. To him it's what he wants to go by with who ever he is involved with.

It sucks seeing him use a term you thought was strictly between you two. Its possibly just another slap in your face from your STBXH.

Feel proud you coined that phrase. He obviously likes it enough to carry it on.

deephurt posted 6/6/2019 15:58 PM

Honestly for the sake of your sanity, stop looking, stop engaging in his emails. Answer son related questions only, be polite but detached. Leave them to do whatever they want and donít let it bother you or interest you.

I honestly think you will drive yourself mad trying to decider what and why either of them do anything and you are allowing them to interfere with your healing.

Living a great life with no interest in their lives will be your best remedy for healing.

Your wh sounds like nothing has changed with him. He still wants to dangle you along and he is trying to make sure he has a little interest from you. You have showed interest in my opinion by saying Happy Birthday and using his nick name.

Iím not sure if you have this little part of you hoping he returns and leaves her but to be honest, I think you should detach completely, only son related texts and emails and be cordial only. Leave them to self implode, or whatever comes of them and stop caring about anything they do.

Her using the nickname has upset you more than you should allow it to. Donít take her bait.

Lp0725 posted 6/6/2019 17:29 PM

Also, I wanted to say... the general feeling I'm getting from your posts is that there is still a part of you that loves him deeply and is hanging on to the belief that he still loves you and will come crawling back. This is completely normal and understandable. Who wouldn't want that validation after all the pain you've been through? You want to see karma finally get doled out on these two pieces of shit. I think you also in a way probably want the satisfaction of rejecting him after the way he threw you aside. Once again, completely understandable. But I think you're treading dangerous ground by not openly acknowledging these impulses, because if you're not admitting it to yourself, then you could wind up getting sucked back into his drama. Don't be ashamed of those feelings. Talk them through on here or with a counselor if you're able. Your STBX is an extremely manipulative, selfish, cold hearted person. You have to protect yourself and your sanity any way you can. Try to stay as busy as you can and keep moving forward. I've got my fingers crossed that you get these divorce papers signed and filed ASAP. I think that will be a huge help with moving on.

brokendreamer posted 6/6/2019 18:50 PM

Deephurt

Thank you for your reply, it is much appreciated, however I do feel the need to address some of the issues you have raised.

Let me start with your comment

"Answer son related questions only, be polite but detached"

I was under the impression that I had made it perfectly clear that I was doing just that! Perhaps you could explain where I have communicated with him in my emails about anything other than our son, unless of course you mean me saying Happy Birthday!

You go on to say

"Living a great life with no interest in their lives will be your best remedy for healing."

If you familiarise yourself with my back story, that is EXACTLY what I have been doing. Unfortunately we do have a child in common who is still in full time education and a minor. Therefore I have to have some contact, though as you can see, I have limited it to almost nothing.

Then you say:

" You have showed interest in my opinion by saying Happy Birthday and using his nick name"

I do not think saying happy Birthday in a cool polite manner is any deal breaker, especially since I have stated that I would like him to sign the divorce papers next week. Sometimes a little give gets you a long way. I made it clear that using his nickname was a mistake, which I regret, but cannot take back, I already feel bad enough about that and have accepted it was wrong, we live and learn, I am not perfect, but learn from my mistakes.

Finally you comment:

"I think you should detach completely, only son related texts and emails and be cordial only"

I thought I had, I would say NC for 14 months was fairly detached imo. All my email responses have been direct, regarding son only and kept to a minimum.

Forgive me for speaking my mind, but SI is a place where we should feel safe to discuss our feelings, our vulnerabilities and to seek advice and support, even when we make mistakes, especially when we make a mistake. Part of healing is to accept that we have good days and bad, we should all feel free to come here and feel safe in being honest. There would be no point in seeking the valuable wisdom and experience of fellow members if all we did was post about our positive actions. I like to think I have been strong and followed the advice here as best I can. But I also value the fact I am able to come here and admit that I had a weak moment or felt sad or vulnerable for a brief period.

If we were all perfect, then we would not need SI, having the courage to trust fellow members, speak openly and admit to our vulnerabilities, is what makes this place such a wonderful and valuable resource.

As we all know, overcoming betrayal is a long and difficult process, often involving one step back and 2 forward, indeed on occasion 2 back one forward. Let us all be as kind, understanding and supportive of the steps back as we are of the steps forward. It is during our most difficult times, that encouragement is of most value.

Again, thank you for taking the time to reply I appreciate it.

BD

[This message edited by brokendreamer at 7:03 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

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