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Significant update & advice needed please

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hopeandnohope posted 6/2/2019 11:59 AM

He knows he is 'working' you...trying to form a bond with you to help with your son is all for WH's benefit. Isn't everything for WH benefit? I'm sure he also gets ego kibble from your 'happy birthday' or any response.

WH has communicatin with your son on his own. Your son has made it clear he doesn't want him around. You and your sons are family. WH chose to leave you all. Keep that safe family unit you have built the past 14 months for you and your wonderful boys and don't let WH cause anymore damage.

That being said, I understand the comfort of any communication with the ex when it sounds like his old self. Just remember he destroyed you, your family and abandoned you all. The little bit of 'what it gives you' to talk to him isn't worth it! You are worth so much more!

If he gets back with OW, he'll drop all contact again with your son but will blame it on your son and say 'I thought that's what son wanted '. WH is a very selfish person.

justabrokendream posted 6/2/2019 12:37 PM

Hello, I have been here a long time (see my number) and don't ordinarily post to threads such as these.

My advice, block him - what kind of emergency could there possibly be for a guy who I hate to say - could not give a damn about you. He appears to be blowing smoke up your well.. you know. Be prepared to file a restraining order. He is using the car as a bargaining chip. Best thing to do would be to tell him to stick the car up... well you know.

realitybites posted 6/2/2019 13:08 PM

First of all... kudos to you in blocking him. That is great!

I know this stuff is really hard, detaching from what we “thought” we had can be so confusing and also painful. I am so sorry for what he put you thru.

Now having said all of that, please know I do not mean this to be mean, just trying to call it like I see it after seeing all of your updates.

The man has no home, no money, no car and no life. He is using you and your son to find a way to have a car and maybe if he is “fakey” nice to you he might just get lucky and have a roof over his head again too. This is not a nice person, this is someone who is totally into just himself and what they want and sadly who they can use to get what they need.

I do think that a BS can many times have a very hard time detaching from someone like this... he has more then likely been probably very selfish if you really think back in your relationship, but you more then likely covered for him because you loved him and wanted to protect your marriage and your son. I may have that wrong, so please forgive me if this is the case... this kind of WS is really good at trying to look like the “nice guy” to the outside world, but is many times not so nice at home.

My advice is not only blocking him, but just stop reading his emails, as it keeps you in his crazy loop of how he thinks, which is not healthy for you.

You have made a life for yourself, you don’t need to prove anything to him or anyone else that you are worth way more then how this guy has treated you. Stay strong and don’t let him wheedle his way back into YOUR now healthy life.

brokendreamer posted 6/2/2019 14:20 PM

Thank you all, hugs

Hopeandnohope - Yep he sure is getting kibble from my response. I am beginning to regret wishing him happy birthday, but was torn between that and coming across as petty. He has gone back down south to her for his birthday next week and I am sure the emails will stop now, at least until he is back here or due back. I have not been responding to him, he is clearly up to something.

Justabrokendream - I agree, however my solicitor advised me to offer him at least one form of contact in case of emergency. Son does go down there, or did, to visit him. I could not forgive myself if something happened and there was no way to contact me, so it is difficult sadly.

Realitybites - Totally right, all he has is her and his parents house, his car has been scrapped. When the business has a shit week, he has no money. he has gone back but sons car is still here on the drive way, he just hasn't insured it. I suspect as he has little money, but has used what he has to go back down there and enjoy his birthday with her.

I do not expect as I said to hear anything from him now for a few days whilst he is back with her. He must think im f**king stupid lol!

Thank you everyone for your kind replies x

brokendreamer posted 6/2/2019 14:35 PM

Ok I was wrong, he just emailed me again thanking me for taking the tyre iron back to his parents and wishing me a good week. So I am not sure whether he has left today or is going tomorrow. I have not replied.
This is all so bizarre, wtf is he up to?

Tallgirl posted 6/2/2019 15:53 PM

BD. Don’t get hooked on trying to figure him out. Who cares. Think about blocking him 100%. He only wants stuff from you.

What emergency can there be, unblock him when your son is with him.

This guy has huge balls thinking you are willing to talk to him. Going to be rude here. Fuck his birthday. Did he send you good wishes? You don’t have to be cordial. Frankly he deserves rude but I know that is not you. radio silence is the ticket.

You are doing great. 😎

Carissima posted 6/2/2019 16:39 PM

Hi brokendreamer, I'm pleased to see you're doing so much better.

Has your younger son moved back in with you and your older son? In your older posts he was living with your WH's parents (and your WH when he was there) and at times seemed to be manipulated into taking your WH's side in the divorce.

bookworm19 posted 6/3/2019 06:29 AM

Dear Brokendreamer, I went back to read your posts from February this year and I can't tell you how proud I am, how far did you come and how much better you are doing.

I don't get it, why you won't block him on all fronts, your children are adults, so no need to have this line open.

Sending you big warm hugs and strength you are doing great and your sons love you

PS I just can't get over the fact, he called police on you because of the OW, I hope I didn't mix something up.

Lalagirl posted 6/3/2019 07:18 AM


Just wow. What a piece of work.

IMO, you should send one final e-mail telling him you do not wish to communicate any longer and he can work on his relationship with the boys himself. And tell him you are blocking him. If he doesn't know you're blocking him, the effect of doing so doesn't exist.

And please be careful...the number of e-mails he is sending is concerning...this is why you need to let him know you have no interest in communicating with him and if he pushes the envelope, you will contact the authorities...he had no problem contacting them when you contacted OW!

Bitch boots, love...bitch boots. ((((HUGS))))

bookworm19 posted 6/3/2019 08:36 AM

Yes, what Lalagirl said, the number of emails really is concerning, he wants to break your resolve, stay strong.

Don't let yourself drag into his drama. Your sons are more adult than he is. No thanks to him. They sure can take care of themselves, not letting him walk over them. You are strong and you can stay strong, you are a wonderful woman

brokendreamer posted 6/3/2019 10:13 AM

Group hug ((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))
Thank you all, you're so wise and kind.

You are right about blocking him totally. It did not occur to me to just unblock him when son is with him duhhhhh, major blonde moment lol, tis done now :)

Hi Carissima, yes son has been back with me for a couple of months now, he said his grandmother was as bad, if not worse than his father. I made clear the ground rules and so far he is abiding by them for the most part and seems to have matured a great deal these past few months. I also think he has quit idolising his father and now clearly sees him for what he is. He speaks to him when he has to, but other than that son seems much happier and is busy with his own life, friends, looking forward to college etc. Ex has been using his car to try and maintain the control over him which is now almost non existant, so all he really has now is OW and her kids.

He was still emailing (about 6 times yesterday) so last night I replied and said 'may I now ask you a favour?' He replied immediately with 'yes of course' So I said 'would you kindly sign the divorce papers as it has already cost me a fortune and I would appreciate it if we could just get them signed and get it over and done with' There was no reply for about 20 mins, then 'yes sure BD I can do that and I agree, just post me the papers' That is what I have done in the past and he always denies receiving them, so I emailed him right back (strike whilst the iron is hot) I wrote 'would it be ok if I hand deliver them to your parents house on Monday when you are there? I will go out for coffee for an hour to give you chance to read and sign, then I will collect them and take them straight to my solicitor. That way,she says (my solicitor) she can get the decree nisi through in about 10 days, it is straight forward as all the paperwork is ready' No reply for 45 mins, then 'hi BD, would it be ok if we do this next week instead as I have had such a stressful week and would like to try and relax' (I know im choking back laughter too) he went on 'I will be back here next Monday and so we can always sort it then if that is ok with you that is'

I was confused at first, as when I had said Monday, I meant next week, as I assumed he had gone back. It seems though with him saying ;I will be back HERE' that he was still at parents and leaving today instead. I replied 'Next Monday is fine, that is what I meant, please tell son to notify me when you are back and what time I should bring them round for you to sign'
Thank you I appreciate your co operation in this matter. I will wait to hear from you via son, next Monday. I assumed that would be the last I heard as I had effectively ended the communication for a week. I did not block the work email at that point, in retrospect I ought to have done, but since I was not expecting further contact for a week, didn't really think about it.

I just went to block the work email now after the advice here and there are 3 emails this morning/afternoon. All about son and his car, how I should keep a close eye on him etc blah blah blah! I have now blocked that account too (I did not respond obviously) I know for a fact that he has been speaking to son today, so why he is still emailing me defies all logic and reason. He is just waffling on and on about son and the car uneccessarily, anyway he can't now.

So let's see if he sticks to his word and signs those papers finally, if he does it will all be over and done with in 2 weeks. Somehow though, knowing him, I am not expecting this to be straight forward, I am not sure what he is trying to achieve, but I shall just wait and keep my fingers crossed. I can then finally get the closure I need.

And yes tallgirl, F*** his birthday, as he f***** OW on mine!

Best wishes to you all BD x

brokendreamer posted 6/3/2019 11:50 AM

You gotta laugh!
Son just came in, he said 'Mum, dad asked me to show you this' I said 'Oh ok what is it son? I had no idea what it could be, other than maybe an insurance quote'
It was a text message sent to sons phone, it simply said.

'You are such a good Mummy'

So now he is texting son and sending me compliments, I am actually laughing here for all the wrong reasons. I have asked son not to pass on messages. I am convinced that my ex has been hit full on the head by a wrecking ball! whatever happened to 'you're a disgusting excuse for a mother, vile psycho bitch'? that was only 3 months ago! Suddenly I am the next best thing to Mrs Doubtfire. I smell a big fat, flea ridden rat and I mean aside from my stbxh. I am on full alert and analysing this to try and stay one step ahead in case this is a ploy for the divorce somehow.

Filed my nails so much and eaten a truck load of popcorn, I have to watch my back now. All thoughts and suggestions welcome, with thanks to you all. I appreciate all your support as I face this difficult, confusing time, right ahead of my divorce being finalized. I am trying to maintain a clear head and focus forward, not get distracted by his weird and distracting behaviour. Please help keep me strong and wise.

Hugs all x

josiep posted 6/3/2019 12:50 PM

Yep, I suspect the big one is coming. Any chance a last minute opportunity for a getaway could come about and allow you to get out of town for a few days? Maybe take your sons for a fun holiday?

So he knows you've blocked him since he's sending messages via your son. And yet, he's not displaying any anger or displeasure over that. Yep, something smells rotten here.

I'm concerned about the car - if it's in his name, can he legally take it? Or is there a legal agreement that you/your son have legal possession of it? I'm afraid I think he's trying to manipulate you into agreeing that your son has behaved badly enough that it should be taken away from him and then he plans to take it for himself.

Would it be at all appropriate to come right out and ask your son if he knows what his Dad is planning to do? Or maybe tell him you're worried about his Dad's motivations for this sudden communication and does he need to talk about any of this to you so you can support him through it. It might all be about the car and your DS might be stressing over it but not wanting to burden you.

Please understand, I don't mean for any of this to sound like advice because I'll be totally honest here, I don't know what's right in this situation. I'm just trying to think outside the box and brainstorm a bit.

That said, whatever is coming, you've got it covered. After all you've been through, you've come out on top and have a wonderful future ahead of you. He already did the worst to you and you're still standing tall and strong so whatever he's planning this time will be no more effective against the mighty You than a pesky mosquito bite.

[This message edited by josiep at 12:53 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

josiep posted 6/3/2019 12:57 PM

I just read what I wrote and now I'm the one laughing. That last part is pretty gaggy, eh? But just because I used sappy words doesn't mean the message isn't accurate. Have faith in yourself and follow your heart and instincts and you'll be fine. If you ever wondered who was the strong one in the marriage, I think you need not wonder any more.

brokendreamer posted 6/3/2019 13:28 PM

Josie thank you

I'm smiling along with you. I did confront him about wanting the car 2 days ago, but I don't honestly believe he does want it now. Two reasons, he is way too big for it, its a small car and because it is not befitting of his 'status' haha. He has gone back there and not taken the car, I think he would be too embarrassed to show up to OW with a tiny, low budget car! We are talking a small fiat uno size and he is 6'2" and 120kg, 260+ lbs. he looks like an elephant in a mini cooper haha! So no, there is more to it.
I am convinced this is more about tryin to regain control of son and possibly my affections.

Something has definitely gone awry with OW, but whether he has met someone else locally here and is dabbling again with another woman, or whether he is trying to see how the land lies, I am still trying to establish. I don't know why, but I have a strange feeling that he has not gone back to OW, quite where he has gone, IF he has gone I am unsure. I am trying to stay one step ahead just until he signs those papers next week, after that he is of no interest to me.
I have just had notification of 3 blocked emails, so he is still trying, though I cannot see them.
I just have this feeling that something is about to go off over next few days. The more i am ignoring him, the more he is trying to message me. I do not think it is because he wants me back, so he is up to something and I need to be vigilant. I will keep posting as I really need and appreciate my SI family right now.
Thank you Josie hugs x

Tallgirl posted 6/3/2019 16:48 PM

BD, great communication re divorce papers. Only change is to add the date. Monday June 10. I may send him a reminder email of agreement to sign. He is delaying but why?

I wonder if your stbxh wants to sell the car. It is a quick source of cash and he is trying to establish poor behaviour of your son with you. If you agree to the behaviour he may try to say you agreed to the sale.

Marz posted 6/3/2019 22:16 PM

He's throwing out a lot of breadcrumbs but make no mistake that's all you're getting.

He's conniving trying to pave a way back because the grass turned brown on the other side.

Bet money he won't sign the divorce papers.

Stay strong you'll get here.

When they show you who they are believe them fully.

brokendreamer posted 6/4/2019 09:45 AM

Thank you

Thankfully he cannot sell the car as it is on finance, he would just have to return it to the finance company and thus lose money, so that blocks that for him.

He is still emailing as my notification is showing 4 blocked today so far, I have not been able to read them obviously as it only notifies me that an attempt to send was blocked. One was 12.24am this morning and another at 0700 this morning, hardly appropriate times to be messaging his blah re son. Especially since he is believed to be back with her this week, surely he should be in bed with her at 12.24am, not emailing me about son or anything else.

I assume he has realised by now that I have blocked him, I also over heard son on phone to him a little while ago saying 'Dad I have no idea if she has or why, no I am not asking her, leave me out of it' So, I am sure he has realised, wonder what he will pull out of the hat next. Wow Monday seems so far away

Thanks again, you're all angels, i will keep posting x

Charity411 posted 6/4/2019 09:59 AM

Expect him to show up at some point. He can't stand that he has lost control over you. The times of these blocked emails is very concerning. He's trying until all hours of the night and again first thing in the morning. And I agree with Marz, he's not going to sign the divorce papers. I suspect he'll try and cut a better deal for himself.

My EX did this in the divorce process. Suddenly he was back to how wonderful I was. He actually invited me to his apartment under the guise of possible reconciliation. He made me dinner for the first time ever. He later admitted he was just trying to get me to back off on the divorce settlement.

Whatever you do, don't let down your guard. Don't buy what he's selling.

brokendreamer posted 6/4/2019 10:23 AM

Thanks Charity, great advice.

I have removed that excuse from him or rather my solicitor has, by separating the actual divorce from the financial settlement, since that was the excuse he was using in the past. So now he knows that him signing the divorce is simply to dissolve the marriage itself. Based on this he has no reasonable excuse to refuse, but then he is hardly reasonable, so he either has to sign or come up with a totally new and ridiculous excuse. He has also been informed by my solicitor that if he does not sign the papers, then she will immediately refer the matter to the courts and request intermediatary payments from him and apply for nisi in abstentia. So thankfully he is kind of cornered now either way, I would just rather he sign on Monday and keep it straight forward, to avoid me incurring any further legal costs. He has no idea that I intend to ask the court to order that he reimburse my costs so far, once he has signed.

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