SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi this is mainly to seek advice from those familiar with my story and for those kind enough to check it out. The reason being that it would be impossible to post it all out again :)

In summary, my stbxh of 20 years suddenly up and left 14 months ago for another woman 400 miles away. It left me devastated as it was such a shock and I am still struggling to move on although I am a lot better. I maintained NC for the most part and have not really had any communication with him since, other than a couple of emails regarding our son.

I had accepted that he was gone and that the marriage was over, I was trying to rebuild my life albeit slowly, 2 steps forward one step back.

His relationship with OW seemed to be idyllic, but as people wisely pointed out to me here on SI, things are often not as they seem. I had heard that over the past 6 weeks, ex has been mostly back with his parents, here in our town. I thought this strange, but tried not to concern myself with what he was doing. In March this year OWs facebook was full of photo's of their 'first anniversary' in a hotel, huge bouquet, champagne the works. I just ignored it and it didnt bother me as much as I thought it would, I realised that I had come to terms with the fact it was over and our divorce is in progress.

A few days ago I secured a place for our son at college and so dropped ex a brief email to let him know that he would be starting in September. It was literally one line, very civil but semi formal. I thought nothing else of it and did not for one minute expect a reply, I had simply informed him out of courtesy as advised by my solicitor. I was shocked when I checked my emails the following day to see a reply from him, thanking me for the email and asking my advice about son not being close to him anymore.

I responded, again very briefly that it was probably due to his age and that I have always encouraged him to maintain contact with his father. I then got another email back almost immediately, which I read but ignored, it was just thanking me for my kind words. I was confused about his sudden friendly tone and so thought it better to not reply. Throughout that evening (2 days ago) I received a further 6 emails from him, sending me articles about teen behaviour and saying how hurt he was. I didnt respond. The follwing mid morning (yesterday) I received another one from him asking if son was ok as a mutual friend had told him son was sick (he had a bit of a cold) I then replied yes he is ok, just a cold, nothing to worry about, and said 'have a good weekend' ie implying that I didnt expect or need to hear from him again. he then replied 'thank you BD, you too'

This afternoon I received another one, again asking how son is. They are all just a couple of lines long, but this seems very out of character all of a sudden.

I am unsure how to deal with this sudden change in attitude from him, even though his emails are based solely around our son.

I was also told by son 2 days ago that 'dad says he might be moving back here and dumping OW' then my other son rang and told me that people were asking what has happened between ex and OW as ex first removed all pics of him and OW and has now closed his FB account and she has removed all pics of them now too. Sounds like all is no longer rosy.

I would appreciate any thoughts or advice please. I cannot totally ignore his emails as they are only about son, though I am only responding to a couple and keeping it to one line, straight to the point. Thank you in advance for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.

BD x

Sounds like his fantasy bubble burst and wants you to be his safety net. Using the guise of your children to pave the communication highway.

Do you want to leave the door shut or open it?

to be upfront I'm not familiar with your story so disregard if you like.

It reads to me like he's picking at the one dent in your armor. The one thing you have in common being your son. Starting with one or two innocuous sentences about your son trying to engage you in conversation and peel the onion from there.

Again, not familiar but sounds like he found out the grass wasn't greener and is testing the lock to see if the gate may be open to come back.

Or I could be all off base and if so apologies

The grass wasn't greener and he's looking to see if his plan B is available.

Pretty typical actually.

If I were you I'd cut the contact. Your son is an adult now and doesn't need a go between.

Unless you want to be his backup plan.

Hi and thank you all.

Chaos, right now I have just gone into full blown protection mode and thought no further than that. In trying to answer your question, I will do my best and be as sincere as I can. I have always hoped that this was a mid life crisis, a bad mistake and realise that it was me who initially ended the relationship and moved out. However I do not think I could ever forgive the way he did it, or his complete disregard for me and the devastation he inflicted upon my life. If someone could wave a magic wand and turn back the clock, then yes I would want us to still be together as I did and do love him very much. Having said that, I do not think I would ever be able to trust or forgive, or indeed be intimate with him again. Those things can never be replaced, that special bond we had.

I have not started to even consider that choice yet, if it even is a choice. I have no idea what he is up to or where his head is at, all I know is that I am confused and scared of this sudden change in him to being civil and communicating with me. I don't understand what is going on or if this is typical behaviour.

Sigma, thank you I really appreciate your reply, the reason I mentioned those familiar with my case, was so I didn't trouble anyone else with having to familiarise themselves with my back story. I am very grateful you took the time to reply.

Marz, thank you, you say 'pretty typical' can you explain more to me please if you have time.

Hugs all x

(((BD))))

I remember how utterly destroyed you were, and because of that I want to be firm and give you a stern warning.

Stop communicating with him. You are no ones plan B. You are 100% a Plan A girl. Who give a fig if he found the grass wasn't greener, or whatever happened. He fired you from being his wife, would you go back to a job that you were fired from????

As far as the emails about your son.... he is an adult. Heading off to school in the fall. If his dad wants to know how he is doing tell him to email/text him. NOT YOU.

I don't know your whole story so take this for what it's worth.

1 of 2 things are happening: 1) His relationship has imploded and all of a sudden he is feeling bad about his relationship with his son, or 2) His relationship has imploded and he is using your son to get to you.

If it's option 1, then respond as needed, and co-parent in the best interests of your son....whatever that means to you. The fact that his relationship imploding only matters if he is going to jump back and forth between wanting to be involved with your son and not based on his relationship status. And yeah, it's totally appropriate to point that out if that is your concern. Otherwise, especially with boys/men, their father's involvement in their life is uber-important so if your STBX wants to get involved then it's likely a good thing.

If it's option 2, as soon as he goes ANYWHERE but the topic of your son, cut it off, tell him you're happy he's investing in his son and you're all for that BUT it will go no further than that with you. Period.

I totally disagree with this:

If I were you I'd cut the contact. Your son is an adult now and doesn't need a go between.

My parents divorced when I was 7, and pretty much still hate each other (why - I have no idea - nothing to do with infidelity - they just REALLY don't get along based on money and geographical decisions they made 30+ years ago). All that aside they have ALWAYS communicated with each other about us kids - always - even with us in our 30s and 40s. Sometimes we adult kids do need some looking out for (I know my parents talked to each other about my sister when she was struggling with her son a LOT - how to help her etc - and it was totally necessary).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:32 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

If your son is going into college, he is essentially an adult. You are not responsible for your STBXWH's bad decisions, i.e. him not maintaining a relationship with his children. It is not your responsibility to give him daily updates on the health of your children. If he was doing his job as a father, he would be able to call your son himself and ask.

This may also be his way of worming his way back into your son's life. He is trying to make himself the concerned parent now. He abandoned both of you chasing his fantasy. Neither of you owe him anything at this point.

I agree with the advice to go NC and only respond to emails that have a question about your son that can't be answered by your son.

It's not reasonable for him to waltz out of your lives with no warning, to ignore you for 14 months and then think he can waltz back in and reclaim his role as father. Not in my world anyway.

Aww Tushnurse thank you, all hugs gratefully received :)

I just receive yet another email 5 mins ago, asking me how he should deal with sons tantrums. I have not replied as earlier I told him I am going out tonight.

My ex seems to be feeling very sorry for himself at the moment. As you say, our son is 17 and he has no real reason to contact me, other than he says he is asking for my advice on how to deal with him. Shame he wasn't concerned about how I was dealing with him when he suddenly up and left for OW. I think he is realising that all actions have consequences and he was away living the dream, son has grown closer to me and also grown up, he no longer relies on his father. That fact is dawning on him suddenly. He must think our lives stood still whilst he was away busy treating OW and her kids to the good life.

He is now broke it seems, back at his parents with no car (no idea what happened to that, but he probably destroyed it) I gave son a lift earlier round there to collect his car from his father who had borrowed it. I parked away from the house, but noticed him at an upstairs window as I drove away. Thankfully I had my hair done, make up on and roof down on my lovely car that I worked hard for since he left. I know I should not take pleasure in his downfall, but could not help think about how the tables have turned. Now it was him standing at the window sad, having lost everything. It must have killed him to see me looking well and driving a nice car.

I may not have been feeling so confident or happy inside, but I sure wasn't going to let him see that. I agree, it seems the grass was not greener and he is beginning to realise the wider picture of what he lost.

Hugs BD x

It is utterly amazing (to me) that people can lie and cheat and throw your life down a black hole by just up and leaving, to then turn around and pop back up because their choices were not what they expected.

So the OW is now out of the picture BUT he thinks he can come crawling back to you.

Hell no!

Stop responding to him. Starting now. Block him on all your social media. Emails. Mobile phone. Everything.

Take back any power he still thinks he has by closing the door to any future contact or any future opportunity to have a conversation with you.

Walk away from him now the same way he up and left you and your family. By just doing it.

My friend’s husband left the day their youngest turned 18. He said he had been thinking about playing the field for a couple of years but didn’t want the hassle of child support and court stuff. Nice. Anyway eventually he married another woman. She treated him like an unwanted cousin but they stayed married. My friend and the second wife got to be friends. He tried to finagle his way back in but she said nothing doing.

I asked once if she ever thought about taking him back. She said under no circumstances because she had found a sense of humor and had laughed more in the years since he left that she did the 25 years she was married to him.

You business is your business but i’m guessing he is out looking and you are the backup plan. If he wants to come home he sure needs to do more than puny little emails.

If your son is college aged, then his dad can reach out to him directly -- "hey son, heard you have a cold. Need me to pick up some tissues or bring you tea with lemon?"

Next time he emails, just respond that you would prefer he reach out to DS directly, unless it was an emergency or major news (new apartment = big deal, cold = not so much). You can also say that their relationship might improve if his father is reaching out to him directly, instead of trying to use you as a middle man.

You guys are amazing, I could never have got through this without you all

I just got yet another email, so I am going to post it here with names redacted obviously.

Lovely email and thank you BD.

I have reassured him about the other 2 kids and I assure you they aren't step kids!! I don't have much time with them at all now. Totally different to my boy in every way and I find this hard.

'Son' will always be my no.1 and yes I do feel really bad about neglecting him for parts of last year. I am really trying to make up for that now.

I have told 'Son' this and I mean it completely, no one will ever come before my boy.

Enjoy your evening

So that is the email just now. When he says lovely email thank you, he is referring to my earlier reply saying that son will be fine, he has two loving parents and trust me he does love you.

Hopefully this gives you an idea of the kind of email he is sending x

I agree with Chaos. It sounds like he wants to get his foot in the door. I don't know your situation, that said, if he wants to have you back and you're amenable to it, please take it slowly. He's hurt you before. (((hugs)))

I know I should not take pleasure in his downfall, but could not help think about how the tables have turned

This is exactly why we say that living well is the best revenge. You have been taking care of your real self and your real life and your real self-esteem, and that has you looking very good. While he chased ego kibbles to fill a void, and it turns out that kibbles are crumbs that will never fill one's soul. And now he is empty, for whatever reason.

Danger, danger, danger:

For a WS to ever be a safe partner or worthy person, they need to work their butts off for weeks if not months--lots of IC, summaries of self-help books, public apologies and owning crap, remaining single sans any type of ego kibbles or promises, behaving admirably, treating kids well, spending time alone, journaling and reflecting, love letters, transparency and TOTAL honesty. You must not fall for any small speeches or gestures and go running back. Many a BS makes this mistake, and when the WS sees how easy it was, they misbehave yet again. The only way you can ever know what he is up to or what his intentions are is to watch how much work he does on himself.

Stay focused on you and your life. He cannot be trusted even a little bit yet. He could meet some new ego kibble and start pursuing her, right? Then where would you be? Stay focused on your own life, enjoying every moment. Just watch his behavior from a safe distance for a while, and don't analyze any of it more than that. Good luck!

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:14 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

Owningitnow

Fantastic advice and words of wisdom, thank you.

I have said from the start, that my ex loved me deeply, I know he did. He is immature and I believe has undiagnosed adult ADHD, though it was informally diagnosed by a friend and colleague.

He had a difficult childhood and my family and I gave him the stability and acceptance that he had never had. He adored my parents, loved the family holidays we had, ie being part of a family. He looked up to my dad and was protective of my mum and sister. Throughout his childhood, he was never good enough, his mother is mentally unstable and a control freak, she abused him mentally and physically.

I think part of the reason, or main reason he did what he did, was to seek approval from the idiots he had started to hand around with, who all had affairs. He wanted to impress, especially when our company started making money. But what he did hurt not only myself, but our son, my son (his stepson) my parents etc. I suspect he wants to turn back the clock as he has also been trying to seek out my father, who will not have anything to do with him.

He has paid a high price and lost everything, but nothing compared to what I lost, including almost my sanity and reason for living.

There is no way he is just walking back into my life, even if that is what he wants (I don't know yet) I have pride despite everything and am learning to value myself.

I have just had yet another email, now he is fighting with son over the car. There is a huge stand off going on between son and his father this week, son has grown up so much and father has walked back into his life thinking he can take control again!

Son has just walked in whilst I am writing this, he said his father was on the phone to OW earlier, so it seems there is still some kind of connection, though i am not sure what is going on. I asked son if they had broken up, he said 'I dont know what the f*** is going on' but something is and he doesnt need to think he can suddenly come back here and start interfering in my life, bless he then said 'mum ive got you and im happy I don't care about him'

What do I do? block him?

BD x

I have some similar issues with my DD, 14. She wants NOTHING to do with my ex, we're at about 70/30 custody at this time. Her relationship with her mom is awful. She doesn't know about the infidelity, as it happened when she was 4, but the same behavior that led to the infidelity is all still there.

My ex wanted me to tell my daughter that we both love her, etc... essentially she wants me to carry her water and fix this for her.

Your WXH's relationship with your son is on him. This isn't an issue of kids being difficult, your son is old enough, and has clearly laid out his boundaries, and you wouldn't be doing him any sort of service by facilitating his father's behavior.

Block him. Don't play his games, you are no longer his dance partner. Send him a message that his relationship with his son is his to manage. Done and done.

xhz700 you are right as is everyone else. I am now going to block him and he can sort out his own shit. The fact son does not want to know him anymore is down to his behaviour and I am not going to jeaopardise my relationship with my son by trying to convince him that his dad is a good guy. He is old enough to make up his own mind. I was so touched today as son got paid, he came in with a pair of sliders for me, they are so pretty. I was stunned, asked him why, he replied ' I love you mum and wanted to get you something' I was almost in tears, such a turn around.

I think our son has finally seen what his dad has done and the consequences are coming to fruition.

Ive suffered so badly for over a year, but am overwhelmed by the love from my sons.

Let this be a lesson to anyone thinking of cheating, when it all goes wrong with your 'ideal' partner, there are irreversible consequences that last a lifetime.

BD x

it's what many had implied the first time you were here. they weren't living together, they were bangin' together. that was their whole relationship: bangin'.

as soon as they actually start living, like meals, dishes to wash, laundry to do, prescriptions to pick up, beds to make (as in change sheets), dusting, washing floors, getting the oil changed in the car.. and a lot less bangin', things are then different. it's call living and getting along.

before their whole thing was bangin'. every time they'd meet it was for bangin'. then, all of a sudden, it wasn't. and now they aren't.

i'm sure your post was only asking rhetorical questions for you already knew the answer.

he did this, the ffffing idiot piece of garbage lying cheating dirt bag. he walked, you didn't. you live responsibly, morally and promoted your son. keep walking, you're making progress. going back to this worthless POS would be a huge setback. huge.

you're good, a full of good. he's no good. it's time someone told you that.