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Significant update & advice needed please

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Charity411 posted 5/31/2019 16:16 PM

Yes, block him. I remember how you could barely function after he went to meet a client and moved out the same day. He had absolutely no regard for any ramifications that would have for you.

I think you know these emails are intended to lure you back in. I think what you are trying to figure out is why now? I have a guess. He's a person who doesn't like being alone and he needs to line up another family if the one he has isn't viable anymore. It might as well be the one he had. At least he's familiar with it.

You said it yourself, he loved being in a family, loved your family, loved holidays with family and the feeling of being part of one. What you learned 14 months ago is that in his head, any family will do. No one who genuinely loves a person walks out on 20 years of life together in an afternoon. Loving people don't trade in families in an afternoon. People trade in cars in an afternoon, and most people have to think about that for months. Not families. Not a wife. Not a lifetime of love and memories.

Block him. Send the message that you will never again put yourself in a position to be tossed aside in an afternoon. He and your son seem to be communicating quite well, he just doesn't like what he's hearing. And the last thing you should do is put yourself in the middle of it. If your son needs your help, he'll ask.

brokendreamer posted 5/31/2019 16:31 PM

Im overwhelmed thank you, I'm in tears.
I have just had the courage (thank you all) to block him.
The selfishness and consideration only for himself is astonishing. He destroyed my life, our sons, my family and on top of that he humiliated me, reported me to police when I initially contacted her.
NOW he is asking me for help to restore his bond with our son, because HE is hurting. Welcome to my world asshole!
There he is emailing me 41 times ( I just checked) in 2 days asking me to help him as he is hurt!
Right now I hope he rots in hell.
I never ever thought our son would appreciate me or understand what his father had done, I never put that on him. It seems he has realised himself. I am far from perfect, but I like to think I have always been a good mum, I have been their for my boys, guided and supported them. Now they are 2 strapping men of 6'3 and 6'4 and very protective over their mummy. I did not have to influence our son or say a bad word about his father and never would. He has made up his own mind x

Marz posted 5/31/2019 16:33 PM

Marz, thank you, you say 'pretty typical' can you explain more to me please if you have time.

Google "grass is greener" syndrome.

Grass looks greener until you get over there.

Not all people who leave during an affair come back but from what I've seen those that do it goes like this.

In an affair it's usually short meet ups and it's all sex and pleasure. They jump thinking how great but now it's different. They are in it full time. Not as much fun. You never know someone until you're with them full time. The affair consisted of sex/fun now they have to live together. Hence comes the rub. Not compatible, he/she gets the full them.

Normally if they come back it's "I'm so sorry" I screwed up now I want my old life back!!!!

Your wayward H found out life wasn't good with her full time or she did. Now he's fishing to see if you'd take him back. The way he's doing it he probably wants it on his terms. Not really reconcile but just get back together and rugsweep. Which without fixing anything leaves you open to a repeat.

NoLongerAlive posted 5/31/2019 16:43 PM

My situation is different from yours, because my WH and I have been attempting R, but I sense the same desperation he now has to reconnect with his son. Why isn't he directly contacting your son; is it because your son doesn't respond? If that's the case, he needs to respect your son's need for distance until your son is ready, and should not be putting you in the middle.

Both of our sons are grown and on their own, but nearly 2 years out, younger son still wants nothing to do with WH. My WH accused me of poisoning his mind with untruths about him (not the case), then put me in the middle trying to get younger son to meet with him. Son eventually agreed but the conversation didn't last long, son said his dad's answered sounded rehearsed and he felt he was lying. WH kept asking me to see if son would meet us for dinner and other things but the answer was always no, and it was stressing me out because I want them to have a relationship! Now I tell WH to ask him himself, if he doesn't respond, he's just not ready yet.

ChamomileTea posted 5/31/2019 16:50 PM

I have just had yet another email, now he is fighting with son over the car

You said earlier that your STBX was at his mom's with no car, now he's arguing with your son about a different car? This all started with you letting him know that your DS is off to college in the fall, and suddenly after all this time, STBX is the picture of fatherly concern about his relationship with DS? I dunno. Sounds fishy. Like maybe he needs a car and your DS has one.

While it's true that the grass ain't always greener, it's equally true that once a couple of cheaters have lost their hypotenuse, the excitement of triangulation fades, the rose-colored glasses crack, and they're left dealing with each other. Typically, that means squabbling, but it doesn't always mean they're done yet.

I think your best bet, as you've already been advised, is to stop allowing contact. He's disrupted the safe haven you've established with your boys. His problems are just that... his problems. And if there's any possibility that he's manipulating your kids, circle the wagons and clue them in.


SaddestDad posted 5/31/2019 16:54 PM

Punch his butthole back out the door, BD (and I do mean that in the context of the visual that comes to mind which probably has you snorting in laughter)... just make sure when you do that you're wearing gloves so it's less cleaning on your end (again, pun intended)

brokendreamer posted 5/31/2019 17:04 PM

Trust me, there is no way he is walking back into my life right now. I needed the strength, support and amazing wisdom on here to lift me. I guess I was not prepared for the sudden 'amicable' contact and it threw me. Oh and he is STILL messaging, via FB now, need to go block

brokendreamer posted 5/31/2019 17:16 PM


Yep I am laughing here, the mental visions are somewhat unpalatable eww lol!
Chamomile, yes his father is trying to borrow sons car as he has not got one, but tonight son went and took it back, so now I am getting the emails about how son has no respect! LOL i actually respect him enormously, he stood up to his father!
It is actually quite interesting watching what is going on. Son has always been beholden to his father, now he grew a year and a foot in height and he is not having any of his father's shit.
Son said to him on the phone earlier ( I could hear) you can get out of my life, I don't need you in my life anymore, all you do is have a go at me and im sick of it. Get lost and don't contact me again, I am happy living with mum and have my own life now. Get off my phone or I will block you, you're an arsehole and don't contact me again'
Filing my nails and listening with interest, Karma is a bitch

tushnurse posted 5/31/2019 17:40 PM

Oh honey he is escalating. Be ready for him to try to come into your home......he took your son's car without permission? How the hell did that happen.
Do not hesitate to call the police if he shows up. He is making bad decisions and stealing a car is a felony.

brokendreamer posted 5/31/2019 18:00 PM

Hi Tush sweetie

he didn't steal it, sons car got a flat tyre and needed fixing. Ex then cancelled the insurance on the car and took it to his parents. Son went round tonight and fixed the flat tyre, took the car back, now ex is enraged. He uses the car to control son as he pays insurance x

OwningItNow posted 5/31/2019 18:12 PM

He uses the car to control son

So he wanted to use the car because he doesn't have one? Or he was just holding the car hostage to get your son's attention?

Both are bad but for different reasons. Maybe you've said before, but is your ex a narcissist? Control is a big thing for a narcissist, and his raging sounds exactly like an npd reaction. I feel badly for your son having to deal with such petty, abusive behavior.

I read an article the other day on Huffington Post that said 5% of women and 8% of men are thought to be narcissists. I can't speak to the numbers in other countries, but that means about 158 million in the U.S. alone, according to the article. No wonder we write about narcissism so much here.

Tallgirl posted 5/31/2019 18:17 PM

Hi BD,

I have read through a number of your more recent posts. I am sorry you are having a tough time, your stbxh has been amazingly selfish. Sometimes I canít believe the stories that I read. Canít even believe mine.

It does seem to be best for you and the kids to refrain from any contact with him. His reaching out sounds self serving. Protect your wounded heart. From a legal perspective Iíd be careful too.

If he really wants a relationship with his son he can do the work.

I wish you the best. (((Hugs))j)

brokendreamer posted 5/31/2019 19:55 PM

Thanks everyone

Owningitnow, You're right about the using the car to get sons attention and control him, it is the only hold he has left over him.
I do not think things are as yet 100% over with OW, it sounds as they are on last legs but still trying to reconcile. Probably why he is being nice to me for when it finally ends, which seems inevitable.
His last message which I again I have not responded to is this:

Thank you 'BD' and I would like to stay in touch as we need to be united for 'Son'. I think he actually likes this!!

I need to have the car back on the drive tmro morning. As I said, you have my word that I will not be taking the car anywhere but Im sure you will agree there has to be consequences for what he's done. If he respects me he will do this and apologise to me.

I will sort insurance when he behaves. It will take a few days to get the black box put in with new company. A lot of dad's would take the car off their kid for that i dont want to as I hate him being a passenger in 'sons friend' car as the kid has a screw loose. I want him to trust me that I keep the car here and have remorse for what he's done.

Do you agree?

What he is not saying in that email and is trying to convince me, is that he has the ability to reinstate the insurance, he does not as he can't afford to, nothing to do with sons behaviour. I know exactly why. This is the last message I received.

So he is trying to control son here and messaging me constantly, from his bedroom at his parents house, but ringing OW 400 miles away, hmm. Sounds like the Eastern European whore found out he has no money, now no car and no longer wants him. His money ran out and now so has she.
Meanwhile, I will just carry on with my life and keep him blocked.
Surely I am worth more? just need to convince myself totally.
Night all and thank you so much x

NoOptTo posted 5/31/2019 20:56 PM

BD, just read your latest updates. Man has your story come full circle since WH up and left you out of the blue for his new client. He has put you through hell and back by refusing to pay money for your bills. Trying to use your son against you. Poisoning his mind making you out to be the crazy one then continually leaving him for OW and her kids. Using him to get to you saying that you have no right to his hard earned money, etc. Even having him live at his parents house just to get to you.

Time has past. Your son has seen the person he really is and is back living with you. I'd say your son feels bad for how he treated you and is trying to show you how much he loves since you never stopped loving him.

I agree with the others. NC is best with your STBXWH. He needs to fix his re6with his son. If he chooses to continue to shoot himself in the foot with his actions, that's his problem. Continue on with D. You deserve so much better. Life has improved for you and it will continue to as you heal from the horrible situation.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/31/2019 21:19 PM

Xh tried all this stuff with my sons.
We called the police on him.

The kids told him to leave them alone.
I got auto ins for my son, without contacting my xh.

He tried ine more time to come here, causing a scene, I called the police w/o saying a word to xh.

The mere fact that he thinks your son is being disrespectful to him, shows me that heís not ready to be a good person in your sonís life. Reassure your son, as I did, that he NEVER has to let a manipulator in his life, and to trust his gut feelings!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:20 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

Tallgirl posted 6/1/2019 00:42 AM

Whoís name is on the cars ownership?

Such a tactic for control. What a jerk move.

Soconfusing posted 6/1/2019 07:44 AM

I didnít have time to read all of the other comments, but this sounds exactly what Iíve been dealing with in regards to my STBXH. So he left 7 months ago and hasnít been around much for my kids.
Come to find out that heíd been living with a girlfriend during this time, things fell apart, and then suddenly heís extremely sorry for what heís done to me and feels badly about how he hasnít been there for the kids.....sending me random chatty texts through the day, and asking how the kids was weird.
So I went to my counselor and told him what was happening and he said it like this and I found it extremely clarifying.

Him ďYou were set on divorce, has that changed? You were set on simply being civil, and not friends, has that changed?Ē

Me ďnope!Ē

Him ďThen you need to not overthink things, and not let emotions get involved here. You know the path you want to take. Keep your eyes on the path, and if things come up that do not line up with the path just let them go. If he wants to be chatty and thatís not the end goal for you, then just donít talk to him.Ē

Iíll be honest, as soon as he said this it was like all the pressure and stress of dealing with his messages and calls just melted away. Now, I just donít answer if I donít feel like it and as a result heís backing off and not trying to talk so much.

In my case, Him coming around was just because he was lonely and reeling from a breakup. Itís not my job to make him feel better. He can go find someone else for that, Iím over here trying to move on and raise kids on my own. I donít have time, energy, or interest in dealing with his drama.

All that to say, do whatís best for YOU. Donít let yourself be pressured (from either internal or external) into communicating with him if you donít want to. Keep your eyes on the path!

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/1/2019 08:07 AM

Initially, I thought he was trying to wheedle himself back into your life. Now, I'm thinking he just wants son's car. What a dirtbag, using his child like that!

Stop being even remotely nice to him. Next time he emails you about son, tell him he made his bed. Now, he needs to lie in it. Your son is old enough to decide for himself whether or not he wants to have a relationship with his father. I hope your son does not let his father use the car anymore. Find another way to get insurance on it.

How is what he did not stealing the car? Whose name is the car in? If it's not in his, he has no right to take it anywhere without permission. Even if he got permission to take it to his parents, if he refused to give it back, that's still stealing.

brokendreamer posted 6/1/2019 10:20 AM

Thanks everyone for your kindness.

Just to clarify, the car is on finance in his fathers name and he uses that fact to control son, always threatening to take it off him. Now I believe he is going crazy as he has realised that he cannot control son anymore. I also think that is the only reason he is contacting me, I do not think he is trying to worm his way back in. He is quite obviously still in contact with OW, though what is going on between them does not sound healthy. It is his birthday next week, so if he is not back with her for that, then I think that they have split.

I cannot understand why he is contacting me, other than because he is losing control of son and he is not liking that. It is all upsetting me though and I have gone NC. It all seems very selfish and cruel, all about him as usual.

Edited to update, he is going back down there from Mon-Sat, so obviously spending his 50th with her. Though he told son 'tell mum 'Im away'Mon to Sat, probably trying to make out he is working.

Thank you so much

[This message edited by brokendreamer at 11:43 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]

brokendreamer posted 6/2/2019 10:11 AM

Just continuing with update and because it helps me keep a kind of diary here :)

I checked my emails this morning and there are several more from him using his work email account now. I don't think he realises i have blocked him as he said, my other email account seems to be having issues sending mail lol.

He mailed me at 22.30 last night to thank me again for working with him for son and he then told me I was an amazing mum. I didn't respond, today he sent 2 more even though he is either back there or on his way back. One was just to thank me for wishing him happy birthday yesterday and for 'remembering' his birthday. I did not respond, the 2nd was to say that if there are any problems with son, to just let him know. He had also sent a photo of his eye with what looks like conjunctivitis and asked me what it was and how to treat it. (Why is he suddenly interested in my opinion?) Told me to 'have a good week' and signed off 'take care BD' and his initial which he always used to do.

I would make a calculated guess that ole Juliet down there (OW) doesnt know that Romeo is emailing his wife several times a day (now 51 emails in 3 days) wishing her a good night, a good week and telling her what an amazing mother she is!!!! etc

My first instinct was to block this email, but I am worried about cutting off ALL contact in case of an emergency. I haven't responded again and will continue not to do so, but I intend to just sit back and see where his little game is heading.
Thanks all BD x

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