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I just don't know were to start

eluniverse posted 5/28/2019 10:01 AM

I just need lo let it all out.
My H of 12 years told me a few weeks ago the most hurtful words anyone can say, I don't love you and It has been years since he has been feeling this way.
A few year ago he had an EA with a COW, I found out and he left her, but it turns out that he did it for my son, not for me, and he has been feeling like he did wrong.
Fast forward today, he has another EA with a different COW and he is not willing to let it go, he has been doing a lot a stuff for her and he feel that this is his chance, he is 36 and the COW is 21, I was trying to believe that this was a mid age crisis, but it does not look like, he does not want to end his relationship with her.
I have given my heart, soul and body for this person for 12 years and to find out about all this has taken a toll on me, I have anxiety breaks, I can't eat well, I can't sleep well, I don't fell like my self anymore, I find myself acting and doing stuff that I would never do on my normal state of mind.
I went with the pick me dance all this weeks, with no positive result.
I believe I have to let it go, it is time, I need to understand that he is not coming back if he was ever here.

I just don't know were to start.

Thank you

northeasternarea posted 5/28/2019 10:09 AM

I am so sorry that you find yourself here. Make an appointment with your doctor for a check up and ask for STD testing. You may need a sleep aid. See an attorney to find out what divorce will look like for you. Don't assume that it is an EA. Evict him from your bedroom. Read articles in the healing library.

Scoobydoo posted 5/28/2019 10:15 AM

So sorry you are here, it sucks!!

Do you have family & friends you can rely on for support?

Try to look out for your self (eating & sleeping) as you will need all your strength moving forward.

you can't control his actions but you can control yours,
Plz dont do the 'pick me dance' any longer it just weakens you in his eyes.

maybe go & see your Doctor for help in sleeping, i personally didn't do this but its understandable in your circumstances,

Has he left to be with the AP?

STLLOST posted 5/28/2019 10:21 AM

The pick me dance is so incredibly hard to not do. I have done it for over a year because I kept thinking that if I just reminded her about how amazing we were and that how she is viewing things is skewed now by the AP. So don't beat yourself up too much because you were doing that. Almost everyone here has done it at some point in one way or another.

Be kind to yourself because right now you are all you can count on to do that.

eluniverse posted 5/28/2019 10:46 AM

-to northeasternarea: Thank you I will have a medical check up.

-to Scoobydoo: I just told my best friends (3 beautiful ladies) and they have been there for me, I can find the strength to tell my family yet, I feel like a total fail.
Last night I told him that I will quit with the begging, and that he need to leave, he says that he is confused and doesn't know if he want to leave because he will miss our kids (9 & 2 YO)

-to STILLLOST: it is hard, so hard, but yesterday when he mentioned his past A, I really felt like he wanted to leave back then and he regrets not doing so, it broke my heart but I don't want to be with a person that won't love me the way I deserve, Im a good person and hi is changing me because of his actions.

burninghouse posted 5/28/2019 10:53 AM

(((eluniverse))) hugs!

I'm so sorry you find yourself here and dealing with the pain of betrayal.

Start by implementing the 180. See the Healing Library, top left, yellow box where there's a lot of information including going no contact (180). No contact will help you protect yourself by drawing a clear boundary of physical, mental and emotional distance. It will also help you stop doing the pick-me dance. I think a lot of us have been there, myself included - the pick-me dance simply doesn't work and can actually make things more difficult for you.

Now is the time for self-care. Speak with a lawyer so you can get clear on your options. Doesn't mean you have to divorce, but you'll want to start protecting yourself now in case it comes to that. Try to eat clean, healthy foods every day. Avoid junk food. Try to get enough sleep and use a temporary sleep aid if needed. Go for walks/spend time in nature. Avoid alcohol and drugs since they will only pull you down. Connect with trustworthy people: friends, family members, coworkers. Find a good individual counselor, ideally one who deals with trauma and/or betrayal issues. Start building a support network and turn the focus from him to you. Self-care is very important right now. You are going through a lot.

This stuff is so heartbreakingly, soul-crushingly difficult. We are here for you and can relate to your pain and confusion. Keep posting. Ask questions and vent as much as you want. Above all know that you did nothing wrong, and you do not deserve to be treated in this shitty way. His bad behavior and choices are solely a reflection of his character, not yours.

Wishing you peace and strength.

sisoon posted 5/28/2019 11:05 AM

OK ... he had an A years a go and probably wishes he had left ... he's now in an A with someone who may be a child and he won't stop.

Your H needs help, but nothing will help him until he wants help.

I know you're in a terrible situation. You're not crazy. You've loved him, you love him, and he doesn't know which way is up. It's probable that he doesn't love you, but that's because he can't love anyone.

Your H's As are due to his failures and his issues and his immaturity. None of this is due to you.

I wouldn't say file for D, but I do urge you to focus on your own healing. Consider IC for you, with a good IC. By all means consult with a good D lawyer to find out your rights and responsibilities.

By all means implement the 180 - IMO, this is the best outline: The Simplified 180' - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080.

The purpose of the 180 is NOT to bring your H back. It's to help you find and enhance your own
strengths.

Have faith in yourself - you can heal. You can find a good solution to your H's A and immaturity.

Cooley2here posted 5/28/2019 11:19 AM

I am going to write something cruel to be kind. He has been looking for a way out of your marriage for years. I know lots of cheaters and they all wonder why they married who they did. The bs are good people. Sometimes love just doesn’t happen or fades over time. You are too important to allow this bad treatment. Sometimes just facing the horrible truth, dealing with it(divorce), and moving on(eventually), is the only thing to do to save yourself any more grief.

I am so sorry this has happened to you twice. Let the immature person go. He isn’t worth another tear.

Brennan87 posted 5/28/2019 11:23 AM

E,

I am sorry you are here. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Others will come and give you sage advice. Listen to them.

My recommendations:
1) self care, self care, self care. Drink plenty of fluids, get excerxise (if that’s your thing), ensure you eat and do what makes you happy ( nature walks, spa day, etc)
2) contact an attorney and get that ball rolling. If you truly are done.

Good luck to you!!!

eluniverse posted 5/28/2019 12:21 PM

Thank you burninghouse, sisoon, Cooley2here and Brennan87

I really need to hear that Im not crazy, that what I have been put on is painful and it is normal to feel that way.

It hits me so hard that he says that it has been years since he is feeling this way, we have a 2yo what does that mean? that my precious baby was not made with love?

I know I need to take care of myself, I want to do it and I will do it, that is going to be my main purpose other than my kids.

thank you again, and please keep posting for me, I need all the assurance available.
E

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/28/2019 12:33 PM

Last night I told him that I will quit with the begging, and that he need to leave, he says that he is confused and doesn't know if he want to leave because he will miss our kids (9 & 2 YO)

So many of them say this when they are finally faced with reality. It doesn't matter what he says he wants anymore. He made his choice through his actions. It's time for you to be done with hom.

I'm sorry that you now feel that your child was not conceived in love. I know how heartbreaking that can be. Your child is still a gift and is still love.

I'm glad you have friends for support. Lean on them. Take care of yourself and your babies.

Lalagirl posted 5/28/2019 12:40 PM

((((eluniverse))))

Welcome to SI. So sorry that you're here but so glad you found us. You will get tons of support and advice.

he says that he is confused and doesn't know if he want to leave because he will miss our kids (9 & 2 YO)

Translation: "I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want the comforts of home life but want to play on the side. I want to sit on the proverbial fence and play both sides."

Close the bakery.

Knock him off the fence.

Find your anger.

Missing his kids are the consequences for screwing around. If he no longer loves you, he could have divorced you without straying. He wants the best of both worlds, and as long as you let him have that, he will never "make a decision."

Self-care is paramount for you right now - please talk to your doctor for something to help you through and ask for a referral to a good IC - one who specializes in trauma/infidelity.

Sending strength & hugs...

Lala

Adaira posted 5/28/2019 12:41 PM

“I’ve felt this way for years” is right out of the cheater handbook. They all say that. It helps them justify their shitty behavior.

Lalagirl posted 5/28/2019 12:42 PM

It hits me so hard that he says that it has been years since he is feeling this way,

He's pulled a classic line out of the Cheater's Handbook - it's called rewriting marital history. It's bullshit.

Lalagirl posted 5/28/2019 12:44 PM

Adaira - brilliant minds think alike

eluniverse posted 5/28/2019 12:51 PM

(((Lala)))

Missing his kids are the consequences for screwing around. If he no longer loves you, he could have divorced you without straying.

Yes I told him that he could have done thing different if this was going on for years why wait? the answer: I don't know, I was confused but them with the new "girl" in the picture made it clear.

(((Adaira)))

“I’ve felt this way for years” is right out of the cheater handbook. They all say that. It helps them justify their shitty behavior.

OMG Yes, I told him that I was so surprised, that he had check every box on the cheaters checklist

eluniverse posted 5/28/2019 12:54 PM

(((cocoplus5nuts)))

I'm sorry that you now feel that your child was not conceived in love. I know how heartbreaking that can be. Your child is still a gift and is still love.

I know, I love my children to death, and this will only bring us closer. I just have that horrible mouth taste right now.

thank you

burninghouse posted 5/28/2019 19:42 PM

You are not crazy. Absolutely not. Feeling crazy and riding a roller coaster of emotions are normal responses to a crazy-making situation, to trauma. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any this, not one bit.

Keep reading in the Healing Library and read others' stories too. You'll come to see you are not crazy, that there are common reactions and general patterns to this stuff, although everyone's story and path are unique.

Keep posting - we're here for you!

(((eluniverse & babies)))

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