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How long since your first dday

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 Emotionalhell (original poster member #39902) posted at 11:42 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

How long has it been since your first dday? Do you remember the details as well as you thought you would? For those that are still with the WW is your relationship still suffering?

I don’t remember details as well as I thought I would. I still occasionally see the AP and have setbacks due to flashbacks but I don’t remember small details like I thought I would. I still have my journal writings and read them occasionally. Thankfully my emotions aren’t as intense. But the betrayal definitely effected my relationship with ppl in general. I have accepted the new me. Not as outgoing and I still question ppl. Not taking them for what they say the are

Me BS x2. 50ish Divorced WH #1. IHS with wayward #2 Dday #1 Oct. 2014Dday # 2 August 2018. Dday #3 December 17th.

posts: 1780   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2013
id 8381199
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 1:11 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

My 1st dday was in June, 2014. I remember it perfectly. I don't remember a lot of the next 6 months or so.

We are reconciled now.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6900   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8381227
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Thissucks5678 ( member #54019) posted at 1:30 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

Mine will be three years in June. I remember everything about it. The months after are hazy.

I consider us reconciled. It took my WH time to grow. Changing your core personality is hard. We are still in MC, although we go once a month now. My healing is going pretty well. It helps when my WH acknowledges triggers before I have to.

DDay: 6/2016

“Every test in our life makes us Bitter or Better. Every problem comes to Break Us or Make Us. The choice is ours whether to be Victim or Victor.” - unknown

posts: 1793   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2016
id 8381231
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Marie2792 ( member #44958) posted at 1:45 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

My first dday was April 27, 2006. We rugswept in the middle of a family crisis unrelated. He confessed and it had bee two one night stands years prior.

My most traumatic dday though was September 10, 2014. I remember it clearly and all of the events that unfolded after it. Coming up on five years and while it no longer makes me cry, I am sad recalling it.

Me: BS,48 (41 at dday)Him: WS, 56 (49 at dday)Married 27 years, together 30 Dday : 9/9/14 3 week PA

posts: 4857   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2014   ·   location: NYC
id 8381234
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JSS1227 ( member #70150) posted at 2:13 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

It’s only been 5 months for me. I remember everything about DDay, but remember almost nothing about the month after. Despite IC, MC, and a mostly remorseful WH (he’s doing a lot right, but still needs serious work on selfishness, empathy, and defensiveness), I still have bad triggers every day, don’t sleep well, etc. I’ve come a long way, but still get very sad and very angry pretty quickly. We’re in limbo; I’m basically watching and waiting with the D papers in my hand. Sometimes I’ll suggest things he should do or tell him what I need, but I really wish he’d just do it on his own, it doesn’t mean much if I’m the one that brings it up or suggests it, KWIM? I don’t want to be feeding him answers or giving him a checklist...I feel worse when I realize that’s what’s happening sometimes. So yes, relationship is still suffering, and on life support at this point. Sad, considering we both say we were very happy in the M prior to the A

Me:BS Him: WS; early 40s;D-day Dec 2018
2 month EA/PA with MOW

posts: 108   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2019
id 8381248
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Lemondrop10 ( member #68910) posted at 2:19 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

First one was February of 2005. I still remember the details clearly just like all of the rest of the ones that followed. I believe I could have healed from that one affair but there’s been too many now after to get over. I’m currently in IC and making my escape plan.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8381253
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northeasternarea ( member #43214) posted at 2:29 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

December 2012. Yes, I remember the details.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 8:29 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

The only person you can change is yourself.

posts: 4263   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2014
id 8381259
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OneInTheSame ( member #49854) posted at 2:30 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

D-day October 4, 2015. We are in our fourth affair season, and I wish that I could say much more progress has been made since then.

I still have to ask for hugs when I trigger.

(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

posts: 2535   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2015   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8381261
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:08 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

My very first DDay was November 16, 1982. My second one was May 25, 1984. I remember them still...even though I divorced that H.

THIS time around in my 2nd M...my 1st DDay was August 30, 2006...although at the time I didn't realize it was a DDay . I was not happy in my M...and I told my H I was going to be divorcing him as soon as I got my degree in a year. My H decided that since I had made up my mind to leave...instead of trying to save the M...he started talking to women online . He planned to meet up with one on that day...but wasn't able to go through with it. He confessed.

The DDay that sent me here was July 19, 2014 . I thought we had worked our way through the issues from 8 years earlier...but some of the situations we changed actually led to my H feeling even more selfish and entitled than ever before.

I remember the first hour of DDay very clearly. After that...it is a blur. Neither of us can remember for sure if we even had sex that night...although logically I believe we did. I just remember the SHOCK of when he confessed. He didn't even have the courage to say it. He told me he had met someone...and her name was Lily. I asked him what they had done. He just said one word...very quietly..."Everything". When I asked if they had sex...he nodded his head sheepishly. My love for him...respect...honor...and everything else that a wife feels for her husband was GONE in that instant. I was actually holding him...and I let go of him as soon as he said "Everything". It was like I couldn't even touch him...he was a stranger to me at that point.

We are in A season right now...and 5 years ago tomorrow is when Lily told my H...a man she only met 3 times...that she would have sex with him at his hotel. Last year I made myself NOT look at any of the "evidence"...such as the calendars I made...the phone records...emails...texts...google timeline...etc. This year...I have NO desire to look at them...and I think this is progress .

I found...from the AWESOME people on this site...as well as doing research about infidelity that I had never done up until that point...that I have changed also...for the better . Stuff from my 1st M...that I didn't even realize I hadn't healed from...I was forcing myself to face. I went through the HELL that infidelity puts us in...and I bitch slapped that devil!!!

I am now very HAPPILY OUT of infidelity...and it is truly in the PAST!!! I look back every now and then...to see how far I've come...and SMILE . Ask me tomorrow...and I may say something different though.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6673   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8381282
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Cheatee ( member #59284) posted at 3:38 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

First DDay was January of 2015.

Reconciliation ended on January of 2016

Separation began on January of 2016

Divorce was finalized June of 2017

Healing is ongoing.

posts: 870   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: Planet Earth, usually
id 8381295
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:38 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

I'll never forget. DDay1 Summer 2017.

I can tell you what I was wearing. I can tell you time of day to the minute. I can still see the look on my teen daughter's face when she told me. I can still hear my adult child's voice on my teenager's phone telling her it would be OK.

I can do the same thing for DDays 2 End of Summer 2018 and 3 Fall of 2018.

I remember watching all the color drain from WH face and him actually sway when I informed him that he wasn't APs 1st. There were others. During the time he was with her. I watched the color drain inch by inch like in an old time cartoon. I can see it now as I type.

So many minute details of those days. I remember them all.

The days/weeks after them are a blur.

(ETA - Dates for DDays 2/3)

[This message edited by Chaos at 2:08 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 4028   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8381297
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WornDown ( member #37977) posted at 3:57 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

November 21, 2008

Me: BH (50); exW (49): Way too many guys to count. Three kids (D, D, S, all >20)Together 25 years, married 18; Divorced (July 2015)

I divorced a narc. Separate everything. NC as much as humanly possible and absolutely no phone calls. - Ch

posts: 3359   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: Around the Block a few times
id 8381303
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sunwillshine ( member #47200) posted at 4:02 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

February 12, 2015. I remember almost every detail.

Tons of therapy including inpatient treatment.

I have a remouseful h and he works really hard to be the h he should have always been.

We have a wonderful relationship, today.

D-day 2/12/15
5 DD (3 his, 2 mine) all grown
married 9/97 together 8/94.
Moved back in 5/30/16 working on R

posts: 1136   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2015
id 8381305
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ThatGuy728 ( member #51676) posted at 4:08 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

Which one would be the DDay? The day I found out something might be going on and questioned her and got a bunch of lies how he’s just a friend and I wanted to believe her but this was the start of a month and a half of the worst days of my life? Or when I found out for 100% certain that my wife was sleeping with a Dr at her hospital and immediately filed for divorced?

If it’s the former - November 17, 2015

If it’s the latter - January 10, 2016

posts: 48   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2016
id 8381311
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JimmyB ( member #43976) posted at 4:18 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

I don't recall the date but it was around the first part of August, 1988. I remember her exact words, I had just moved her and my 2 young daughters to Florida, I had to leave them behind in Ohio for 3 months for our house to sell while I was starting a new job. A job that she found for me, in Florida, where she had convinced me to move, so we could have a fresh start to work on our marriage. She sat beside me on the couch in my sister and brother in law's house where we were staying, she said, "I'm pregnant", I already had suspicions so I asked her who's it was and she said, "I don't know".

She has had 2 (that I am aware of)additional PA's with that OM and an EA with her HS boyfriend since. I found out about all of them on January 30, 2013, DDay #2.

ME: 60 Madhatter, 1 PA, 6 months(making out, no sexual contact), 2006. 1 sexual act with a stranger in a car - w/hands, 2010.
WW: 57 Madhatter, 25 year (1988-2013) PA, 3 separate affairs, same OM). 8 year, 2005-2013, EA with 1st boyfriend/lover

posts: 570   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2014   ·   location: Ohio
id 8381315
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 4:51 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

I remember my D-Days perfectly. The time I don't remember was my second D-Day and the whole year after that was a blur. I had a mental breakdown and was hospitalized for a week.

My M is meh not suffering. I've managed to pull myself out of the muck. My WS is a lost cause though.

fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/2024

posts: 9072   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8381325
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sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 6:32 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019

My first dday was at the end of the first week of July, 2012. I remember it all quite clearly.

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 8381392
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deephurt ( member #48243) posted at 12:24 AM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2019

5 years and one month. I remember quite a bit. I also forget quite a bit. When I read some of the things I wrote, I can hear the pain and the rage that I felt at that time.

I vividly remember the feeling when he blurted it “okay I had an affair”. It felt like the ground below me disappeared and I was drowning. It felt like I had been punched in the chest and then gut. I felt nauseas. I immediately changed.

I also remember vividly when I first woke up the next day and all the feelings came rushing back but it took a couple of seconds for it to feel real again. I guess I had hoped it was a nightmare. When it all came flooding back it felt like a lunch again.

me-BW
him-WH


so far successfully in R

posts: 3775   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8381673
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Phoenix1 ( member #38928) posted at 12:44 AM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2019

First Dday was right before Mother's Day in 2009 so ten years now. Remember it all very well, but I care not. Ancient history and simply a sad chapter of my life.

Ironically, I just returned from a trip that also included my oldest DD and her BFF. That BFF is the DD of the OW in that first Dday. But I've known the BFF since she was five years old (girls met in pre-K), and I don't judge her for her mother's abominable actions. The only boundary for me is that she (OW) is never to be discussed in my presence. The girls honored that this trip and we had a great time.

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 9059   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8381684
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Oftencheatedon ( member #41268) posted at 1:51 AM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2019

My first D day was almost 50 years ago. That ended in divorce. I had several relationships that ended because of infidelity in the next decade.

Then I basically only casually dated for the next 25 years. I was so scarred that I just could not commit to a relationship.

Then I met my now husband. He’s not a cheater. It took awhile for me to agree to marry him - but it’s one of the best decisions I ever made.

TBH - I remember very little about past D days.

posts: 1274   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2013   ·   location: AL
id 8381705
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