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controlling my rage at AP

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Serena2 posted 5/17/2019 12:01 PM

Hello I am new to this group so forgive me for not using the correct abbreviations.
I have been in a relationship for 34 years and married almost 28 years to the most wonderful, decent, kind salt of the earth man. I have always felt so lucky to have him & an amazing dad to our 4 grown up beautiful children.My friends would all say you have a keeper there and more chance of winning the big lottery than for him to cheat but he DID
Here's my story: We were great friends with another younger couple who struggled financially and with their marriage & kids and we would both council them to try to help them through what was an ongoing difficult time. Their house was in bad need of repair so i offered them a gift of my hard earned money to install a new kitchen as it was just a mess and my hubby to dismantle & install as he is such a DIY and to keep it within limited budget. This was last July and he was out at their house constantly but i understood and although I felt he was there too much & him and her were out too much with collecting & designs i understood but i did feel neglected.
Around about this time my elderly mum's health began to deteriorate rapidly and I was spending a lot more time away from home to be with mum and trying to juggle a demanding job I took my eye off the ball. My husband and I became more distant and disconnected but with all the stress going on I thought it would just sort whatever it was out in time.Sadly my wee mum passed away just before Christmas past
and this friend was constantly sending me messages of support & travelled a distance to her funeral with her husband.
Just after Christmas 27th December a passing remark by our eldest daughter made me question their friendship and i asked hubby if I had anything to worry about expecting him to say 'ABSOLUTELY NOT'. He hesitated and then admitted there had been a ''moment'
My shock and fear at what I was trying to comprehend was incomprehensible and worse I had to take a flight in next few hours. We spent most of the next day messaging each other and he tried to reassure me I had nothing to worry about. I phoned the so called friend in the middle of a major panic attack and she swore to me that she did'nt recall any moment,she loved him as a friend no more,she would never do that to me and that I was clearly in such state of grief I was paranoid.
Hubby and I became so much closer and he was so attentive and loving I felt it was a wake up call to both of us but I had lingering doubts.He became very secretive about his phone and was still at their house working with her husband a lot.end of march this year I found out that she had offered to come up to our house with vitamins when she knew I was away and he declined but they had a 'conversation' I went ballistic at this and met with her the next day where again she swore blind nothing ever happened but did agree their whatsApp messages had been too many and banter had turned to flanter but couldn't recall any 'conversation'.I knew for sure now I wasn't getting the whole truth and i warned her I would get to the bottom of it. My panic attacks increased dreadfully and I was convinced they were having a full on affair espicially with his phone being with him at all times. DDay was 2nd May past ironically on my wee mums birthday and I took his phone off him in his presence and began WhatsApp chat restore to retrieve their chat history.He was terrified and begged me not to look as there was bad stuff he couldn't bear me to look at. He admitted they were chatting constantly from September to December and were sexting each other almost every night even as my wee mum was dying and on the night of her funeral. He swore to me that it was all over from when i asked him at end of December and begged my forgiveness. I was so relieved that it wasn't much worse as my fears were they were going to run off together. I messaged her letting her know I knew everything and He rang her husband to confess. We were both crying when she texted me to apologise and swore to me that it NEVER got physical and SHE had no intention of EVER TAKING IT ANY FURTHER. my tears turned to absolute rage to a depth level of feeling I have never experienced before. We have spent this past 2 weeks of wonderful reconnecting and i promised to try to draw a line under this and try to heal as I know he is genuinely sorry for his betrayal and ashamed.I agreed that I wouldn't look at the WhatsApp history even though I can on my computeras long as i know the full truth. I confided in a close friend and she advised me to read the messages to get closure but i know she had sent naked photos of her boobs but i feel if i look at their dirty texts I will never heal. I have never felt such hatred for anyone than i do to her.
Last night after drinking AGAIN I asked him if he had bought her anything for Christmas again not expecting a yes and he admitted he bought her perfume which I saw as an even deeper layer of betrayal as that to me meant it was not just sexual but a display of his feelings. I went absolutely beserk and hit him over and over (first time ever in our lives for either of us) and smashed mirror robes and glasses in a hate filled jealous rage. I demanded he tell our 26 year old son who only just came home for 2 days as lives away. He admitted everything to our son who was crying and hugging me and I said dad has broken us and I don't think I will ever forgive him. We all talked it through this morning and my hubby admitted he had bought her a phone, and had also gave her money as he felt sorry for her being so poor.Our son played mediator and urged us to go to counselling as my anger and hatred of her is consuming me.hubby says it was 50/50 and is so ashamed of what he has done and never ever will do it again. I desperately want to forgive him but how can i get over this hate. I feel that she must have thought she had hit the jackpot with getting all this attention and gifts and money and could see herself stealing my life and walking into the sunset with my husband but thankfully that didn't happen. I know we will make it as a stronger couple but i cannot live with this hatred for her so advise please?

sewardak posted 5/17/2019 12:10 PM

your hatred is directed at the wrong person.

"hubby says it was 50/50" - no, it was him. HE had the poor boundaries and she was just someone who was agreeable to having an affair.
Have a friend read everything on the WhatsupAPP to see if there is anything new he hasn't admitted to.
Ask him to take a polygraph.
Get into IC.
I'm sorry you're here. I completely understand your rage. But it should be at him.

forgiveness and your healing is a long time coming, I'm afraid. This is a years long marathon.
I'm always so pissed when it's found out and not confessed. It derails a recovery from the start.

" i offered them a gift of my hard earned money to install a new kitchen"

please discuss this with your IC, it seems very odd.

[This message edited by sewardak at 12:13 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

Evertrying posted 5/17/2019 12:23 PM

Sewardak,

I disagree. Serena2, I hate my H AP as well. Yes, my H was the one that broke his vow to me, but his bitch-ass AP was just as guilty and had NO business fucking someone else's H. She was married too.

Everyone tells me I have to let go of the hate and rage that I feel for her, but why? Why should I? She's a bitch and I will hate her for the rest of my life.

We have nothing to do with her and never see her and if she were on fire in the middle of the street I wouldn't piss on her to put her out.

So I say go ahead and hate her. She is a pile of SHIT and deserves to be hated.

northeasternarea posted 5/17/2019 12:35 PM

I am going to agree with sewardak.

We have spent this past 2 weeks of wonderful reconnecting and i promised to try to draw a line under this and try to heal as I know he is genuinely sorry for his betrayal and ashamed.

Just no. You can't draw a line under it. You should be angry with him. I'm not saying you shouldn't be angry with the AP. Just don't give him a free pass.

Mizzbak posted 5/17/2019 13:29 PM

Serena2,

I think that you are so angry with the AP because it is "safer". I suspect that you don't have the capacity to deal with how angry you really are at your husband at the moment. And so your mind is protecting you. (I wasn't able to consciously and openly address the anger I felt for my husband until several months into R. And then BAM!)

Right now you're focused on hanging on to your life as you know it. And perhaps to be able to work with your husband to rebuild your marriage, your family and your life; you need to be able to move the emotion HIS choices and behaviour have caused, to one side. It is "safe" to hate the AP because you don't actually have to have her in your life at all. And you're so focused on it at the moment, because anger is better than pain. And she did betray your gift of friendship horribly. If you aren't going to individual therapy (IC) to help you work through your feelings, I strongly recommend that you do. The best way to deal with those feelings is to talk them through so that you can understand them.

I do still loathe the OW and have cheerfully demonised her in my mind for more than 3 years. The imaginary tortures I've dreamed up for her would horrify anyone who thinks they know me. But she pretended to be my friend and actively sought to end my marriage. To take my family away from me. And she is a two-faced bitch. But the greatest power I have now is that I know what she truly is. And she knows that I know it. Each year that passes, I care less about her. And get less pleasure from imagining her pain, discomfort and shame (or hearing real news of same from others). Eventually I will reach a point of total disinterest and then I will really have won. Because then she will be nothing to me.

Objectively, your husband is the one who betrayed you most. And in time you will deal with that too.

I am sorry that you are here. And I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother.

[This message edited by Mizzbak at 1:31 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

MamaDragon posted 5/17/2019 14:21 PM

yeah I have to agree with sewardak - hate away at her in addition to him.

I hate to say this but...prepare yourself for more TT and the possibility that his "moment" was an actual PA.

*(HUGS)* I really hope not though.

Have you cut off all contact with this couple?

sewardak posted 5/17/2019 14:24 PM

"I think that you are so angry with the AP because it is "safer". I suspect that you don't have the capacity to deal with how angry you really are at your husband at the moment. And so your mind is protecting you."

yep this. WAY too early to forgive, move past, not talk about it or be furious with him. Like I said, this is a marathon. You're still in shock, I'm guessing.

Serena2 posted 5/17/2019 16:03 PM

Thank you for all your replies and I promise you I am not letting him off the hook easy and my anger was seriously targeted against him last night for sure. My friend who has know all of us forever gave me this advise. “When good generous men do things for needy women they end up getting fallen in love with “. I need to try to heal from his betrayal and grieve for the loss of my wee mum simultaneously. We do not have any contact with the other couple and her husband texted my husband to say they had split up but no idea if this is still the case. I do know the full truth now and as much as it’s heartbreaking to know the full facts I choose to pray to my wee mum to give me the strength. My husband is a good man who sadly had a huge wobble and will regret his actions for the rest of his life but I do believe him and love him and he needs to earn my trust again and I couldn’t even contemplate life without him. I’m sorry that many of you see me as weak but on the contrary I’m a very strong woman and financially capably of going it alone. 🙏

KdFenix12 posted 5/17/2019 17:22 PM

I’m on board with Evertrying. As long as the WS is not let off the hook and gets a fair share of blame, hate away at AP all you want, especially if they were a mutual friend.

swmnbc posted 5/17/2019 18:24 PM

It's a natural instinct to "guard" your mate from a "mate poacher." Those feelings are very natural, though of course we want our marriage to be faithful because our husband chooses fidelity, not because we scare off all the competition, right?

amethyst0323 posted 5/17/2019 19:31 PM

Nothing wrong with hating the AP in my opinion especially when it is someone that you have treated well.

I loaned my husband AP money to pay her deposit on her first marital home, gave her toys and clothes for her daughter and even gave her the phone that she used to send my husband pictures and videos with

My husband betrayed me horrifically but she did too. I was kind and treated her well and she repaid me by fucking my husband. Why should I not be angry at her?

In my case the OP was a nutcase (suicide threats, blackmails, rape claims etc) and she is also remorseless. My husband is desperately trying to fix what he has done. She is still posting messages on Pinterest about how their love is magical and special and she will wait for him for ever

She doesn't deserve to be let off just because she didn't take vows with me. She was a shitty person who wanted to destroy not only my life but my children's life. She deserves my hatred and one day these feeling may lessen but I am convinced I will always hate her for the things she did.

Your husband made horrific choices but so did she. She was a part of her life and you helped her, cared for her and trusted her and she betrayed you too.

I think I would have to read (or have someone else read) the messages to check there was no indication of a physical affair. Cheaters lie and as everyone says on here they are adults who had opportunity to act physically. It is unlikely that there wasn't even a kiss between them.

Sorry you are going through this

[This message edited by amethyst0323 at 7:35 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

amethyst0323 posted 5/17/2019 19:33 PM

And he definitely has to go no contact with her completely. Block her number, block her on social media and he never speaks to her again.

sewardak posted 5/17/2019 21:14 PM

Consider looking at the fact that you can’t contemplate life without him. Seeing a red flag there.,

kaygem posted 5/17/2019 23:50 PM

May I ask why you believe they weren't sexual in their relationship? they are both liars so why are you sure it wasn't a PA?
They were sexting constantly...and alone a lot. I think you might be at the tip of the iceberg.

northeasternarea posted 5/18/2019 08:24 AM

Not being able to contemplate life without him is troubling. The fact that you describe him in such glowing terms and seem to be placing the blame on the AP. Your hatred is not the problem. His betrayal is the problem. Don’t rugsweep this. You have experienced a double betrayal.

sassylee posted 5/18/2019 17:57 PM

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sisoon posted 5/19/2019 10:25 AM

I'm sorry for your loss. You have a lot of pain to process. Dealing with grief for your Mom is difficult. Dealing with the A is difficult. As you go through your healing, it's especially important for you to be kind to yourself - and to have faith in your ability to heal yourself.

I think there's probably some truth in your friend's idea ... when an older man helps a younger woman, one common result is that the woman comes to think she loves, or at least admires and is grateful toward the man. That's happened to me.

But when I've mentored young men, I've also gotten gratitude and admiration in return. It's not quite the same as when it comes from a potential sexual partner, but when my objective was to help a person, sex is beside the point.

So your H needs to understand what went through his mind that allowed him to move from helping to sexting with this young woman, and he needs to builds new, stronger boundaries. How will he do that? Not words ... what will he actually do to effect changes in himself?

And what caused the breakup of your former friends' M? Frankly, I, too, suspect it was a lot more than sexting.

So be careful. Protect yourself

*********

This sounds like what we call a 'double betrayal' - WS cheats with a friend of both BS & WS.

Ordinarily, hate towards the ap is likely to be a stage BSes go through because they're really afraid to feel anger towards their WSes. In double betrayals, I can see being angry with both aps.

Really, the ap is or is going to become irrelevant - she's out of your life either because your WS goes NC with the ap (where R is on the table), or because you go NC with your WS (when D is your resolution).

In ...um... single betrayals, the more energy you devote to thoughts about the ap, the less energy you have to heal yourself.

I urge you to put the ap aside. That does include, IMO, walking by her if she's on fire. Use your energy to heal.

sorrowfulmate posted 5/19/2019 10:40 AM

Wayward here.

I take 100% responsibility for my affair.

I was the one who made the vows to my wife and broke them.
I was the one who's shit boundaries allowed me to interact on a emotional level with other women with shit boundaries.
I was the one who rewrote the history of the marriage to make my decisions to have an affair more convincing.

You have to come to the realization that if your husbands AP did have strong boundaries that would have not stopped him.

People with bad interpersonal boundaries are able to recognize others who have bad interpersonal boundaries, but they are also able to detect strong boundaries.

IF the AP had strong boundaries she would have refused to engage him at a point where it would have opened up an affair. Hence the WS would have moved on to another person seeking to get what he thought he needed from them.

Your husband is partially blame shifting his ownership of the affair on the AP. Yes the AP was there, they had shit boundaries, and they engaged with your WS.

Problem is that your WS needs to strengthen his boundaries, and work on his whys (not the surface excuses and blame shifting that they normally try to pass off as the why) to figure out what deep void inside himself he was trying to fill because of the affair.

The problem is that he is still keeping secrets from you and that isn't good.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald

She lists 15 actions that the wayward much embrace to help you heal:

Waywards who want to rebuild the relationship after an affair

• are non defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

Finally in Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. She has a section on talking about the affair and why you need to know about it:

Why It’s Important to Tell

I’m convinced that it is crucial to tell the story of the affair. My conviction is based on my own clinical experience with couples as well as the experience of trauma therapists and other infidelity researchers. But not all therapists agree with me. Many of them believe, right along with their unfaithful clients, that the less said about the affair, the better. To complicate matters, well- intentioned friends and family members usually advise “Be quiet. Talking about it just makes it worse.”

Of the 465 therapists in my survey, 41 percent believe that “a spouse’s desire to know details of the partner’s extramarital involvement should be discouraged by the therapist.”

Yet betrayed partners themselves verify that knowing the details is beneficial. Peggy Vaughan’s on- line survey of 1,083 betrayed partners found that couples who thoroughly discussed the affair were more likely to stay married. Open discussion and honest communication led to restored trust and an improved relationship that was even better than before the affair.

In Vaughn’s survey: (1) when the unfaithful spouse answered all questions, 86 percent of couples remained married and 72 percent rebuilt trust (2) when the unfaithful spouse refused to answer questions, 59 percent remained married and 31 percent rebuilt trust.

Research by Jennifer Schneider and her colleagues found that honesty is crucial for both sex addicts and their spouses.3 Nearly every betrayed wife of a male sex addict felt that she should be the one to decide how much to be told. Most did not ask for information they were not ready to hear.

Telling the Truth Rebuilds Trust

To cleanse the lying that occurred during the affair and in the early stages of revelation, the involved partner needs to be totally honest. Only information offered freely can clear the air.

Fill in the Missing Pieces

Telling the story of the affair replaces a fictionalized account with the truth. It is totally shattering and disorienting to find out that intrigue and deceptiveness were going on while you were assuming everything was normal. That’s why both partners need to get out their calendars, discuss the receipts, and review the cell phone calls. Things won’t make sense to the betrayed partner until all the missing pieces are accounted for.

Unhinged posted 5/19/2019 11:25 AM

Hey there, Serena2. Welcome to SI, the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

So, you've got quite a lot going on here. There's a good chance you're going to feel a little "unhinged" for quite a while. Take care of yourself. Drink lots of water, eat healthy, exercise, try to get some sleep.

The betrayal of infidelity is, for most people, a profound and severe emotional and psychological trauma. It takes a lot of time just to recover, let alone heal. Be gentle with yourself. Focus on recovering. The rollercoaster of emotions is powerful. I understand the rage. Been there, don't that. I wound up seeing a therapist (and anger management specialist, teacher, and an XBH). I only went a few times, but he most certainly helped (with the rage, at least).

My mom passed away a little over ten years ago. She'd been quite sick for a while, so her passing was expected (and miserably prolonged). Losing her was certainly traumatic. By comparison, surviving infidelity was far, far worse.

You'll find that there are all sorts of infidelity and some stories are worse then others. For the individual, however, the worse infidelity story is the one in which they find themselves. In other words, it's all off-the-charts.

Cheaters lie. Mostly, they lie to themselves, which makes it far easier to lie to everyone else. I would caution you that it's entirely possible that you do not have the full truth. The contractor and the stay-at-home wife is a very cliched "sort" of infidelity. While it's possible that their affair was not physical, it's seems unlikely to me. Alone together in her home, plenty of time, fairly long-term affair... possible, but not probable.

Cheaters will also try to minimize an affair. They will withhold information because they "don't want to hurt you," when in reality it's defensive mechanisms kicking-in. You know. "Damage control."

Do a little research on "hysterical bonding." It's every common while surviving infidelity. It also hits some harder than others (including me ).

I desperately want to forgive him...
Why "desperately?" Where is this coming from?

This hatred you feel for the AP is quite normal, btw, made worse by the fact she betrayed you, as well. It's not really healthy, but it's normal. Whether or not you ever resolve that hatred is up to you. It may take years. In the meantime, so long as she's completely removed from your lives, in time, I think, that hatred will dissipate as you realize it serves no purpose.

One way or another, your rage is your problem to deal with. It's not fair. It's not right. There's no sense of justice here, nothing you can do with that rage (aside from breaking things ).

Take some time to read through The Healing Library, particularly in the Articles tab (see yellow shaded area at the top left of the page).

Take care of yourself and keep on posting.

SI Staff posted 5/19/2019 12:59 PM

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