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The real affair?

timespent posted 5/15/2019 10:29 AM

Wtf am I actually doing?? I thought I was a reasonably smart person but must now accept how naÔve and codependent I am. After almost three years of reconciliation I'm beginning to realize the affair that is the most damaging to my marriage is the one my spouse is having with himself.

A terrible, toxic, clinging, narcissistic relationship that I can not compete with. The OW is a joke compared to this threat. I guess I'm just figuring out that its been here the whole 30 years. He says all the right things and does all the small stuff but when the chips are down he almost always chooses to protect himself and passively blames me. I can't take it anymore and don't know how to proceed. I feel like I'm in a slowly dying relationship with the "nicest" guy in the world whos actually a chicken shit coward.

Authenticity and vulnerability are what I require now and I must accept it is too high of a price to pay for him. I am not worth it to him no matter how badly he "thinks" I am. Proof is in actions, right? I have to wake the fuck up. Vent over.

Kalma posted 5/15/2019 12:00 PM

You and me both sister. Sad that the men we idealized and stood by through thick and thin are not who we thought they were. You deserve better. We all do.

Gumdropped posted 5/15/2019 12:14 PM

Timespent see out recent posts under "Narcissist Musings"

layla1234 posted 5/15/2019 12:40 PM

My WH and I watched dateline and forensic files together for years and he always acted as disgusted as I did when the cheating spouse was discovered. I always told him if he was going to cheat or planned to kill me, to just please divorce me instead. Cheating was worse to me than the other two. I wish he would have listened.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/15/2019 12:49 PM

Oh yes - the defensiveness etc. I asked my WH last night if he ever thought he would be able to look at me if I were to mention his A and think of me first or if he would always first look to how whatever comment I was making made HIM feel. His response: I don't know, but I hope so.


crazyblindsided posted 5/15/2019 12:56 PM

(((timespent))) honestly I can totally relate to this. Not sure why it took me over 20 years to figure this out.

3greatkids posted 5/15/2019 13:01 PM

Wow. That is some profound truth right there. You are 100% spot on!

deephurt posted 5/15/2019 13:27 PM

Timespent- that was my WH down to the core. We have been married 31 years so I understand.

He has been changing. His go to has always been himself, what he wants, protect himself over anyone else-especially me.

Now, he is trying but when the anxiety in him gets high, I see the old him come out.

I have suspected that if the house was on fire, I would be an after thought if he manages to get himself out. I hope I am wrong and I hope to never have to find out but his need to protect himself above all others is there still. I guess its where the selfishness stems from.

I do believe he is trying to change but right now the actions and words don't always match.

timespent posted 5/15/2019 14:08 PM

Thanks to you all for responding in what has been a dark yet surprisingly lucid time for me. IRL I feel like a freak of nature because no one I know seems to understand. I appreciate the kinship.

((Kalma)) We really do!!

Gumdropped, thanks I'm looking it up right after I finish here.

Layla, ya why is it they have the most vitriol for those who have the same traits as them?? Coincidence or some subconscious recognition?

Thisissolonely, the dreaded "I don't know". So lazy! Hugs to you

((crazyblinded)) I guess because we are trusting and had unconditional love. Trying not to believe it's because I was dumb AF.

Truly, thanks for your support 3greatkids!

Deephurt, yes! I used to hate the old version of him. Now I'm starting to just feel sorry for his extreme inability to love anyone, including himself. With you in strength!

changeneeded posted 5/15/2019 14:14 PM

Wow, I am beginning to see and feel the same way. The thing is, I have no idea how to proceed either. It's as if I need a "reason" to say enough.
Especially because now, I seem to be the focus, what does that really mean?

And, also as another posted said, whenever the subject of an affair came up be it we know someone or it was something we were watching, he had the same: " who would do such a thing, that is disgusting, why would you throw away so many years?"

All this, so I would not suspect and for so damn long.... I did not. Now every time when he needs to make a sudden errand, I suspect.

Not liking my life.

timespent posted 5/15/2019 14:58 PM

Changeneeded, it's like they do just enough so they can still feel like the "goodguy" and maintain their view of themselves. When we feel like its not enough they can become the victim and we become the villain so they can ultimately blame us for their shitty behavior. I am no longer accepting that role. I know who I am. He can accept his responsibility for his own shit. He can be his own villain. Hugs to you

deephurt posted 5/16/2019 10:30 AM

Timespent. I believe itís something that took him his entire life to become and he does need time to make those changes.
If I continue to see him trying to change, I will continue to be with him. It will be when the effort is no longer there and he has not changed those behaviors that our me will be over

The day to say he is trying, I see it and he talks about how I am most important and he is trying his hardest to show me he has changed and make sure I am okay. I see it daily when things are calm for him. Itís when his anxiety flares that I see the behavior now. Itís all about him and he will protect himself to the death. Not during our discussions of the a. He k ew he was completely wrong and he never once tried to blame me but I can see it in hindsight through our entire m.

timespent posted 5/16/2019 10:49 AM

Deephurt, it seems like we may be in a very similar boat. My spouse seems to be trying and we make some headway until some obstacle pops up then he totally shows his selfish behaviors. I guess this is why I wrote about this affair analogy because when this happens I feel like I'm still in infidelity. I'm tired of feeling like this after almost 3 years. It makes me feel alone in the relationship and question what I'm still doing in it.

I promised myself to get rid of resentment in my life. I'm doing pretty well on that account. I suppose that's why I'm so unhappy. I resent being resentful lol

brokenyrs posted 5/16/2019 11:52 AM

I can relate to what you have said.

I find that when he says the right things and does the small stuff it is all just a very calculated move so that he comes out looking like Mr. Nice Guy. It's a good way for him to be able to pat himself on the back and be like "look at me". But if you see through it or call him out on something then it changes to victim mode.

A terrible, toxic, clinging, narcissistic relationship that I can not compete with.

So true.

timespent posted 5/16/2019 13:12 PM

Thanks brokenyears, it's scary some of the similarities our spouses share on this topic. I feel a lot less alone than I did 24 hours ago.

pureheartkit posted 5/16/2019 13:29 PM

No you're not alone.

You can go forward now. Nothing is holding you. Anything that was said in the past to devalue you can be let go of. Let it blow away. You are someone strong. That's why your N chose you. You would be strong enough to endure.

Use that strength to live a life that is rooted in who you are at your core. We are not what we were told we are. Choose yourself and thrive.

crazyblindsided posted 5/16/2019 13:49 PM

I find that when he says the right things and does the small stuff it is all just a very calculated move so that he comes out looking like Mr. Nice Guy.

Oh yeah mine does this ALL DAY.

"Look I did the dishes for you"

"Did you notice what I did in the yard today?"

"I got the kids from school today"

Really he expects a big parade with balloons for his contributions to helping this M didn't you know

MalibuBayBreeze posted 5/16/2019 14:18 PM


Oh that bare minimal contribution around the house! Gotta love it. Like it's a Mr. Clean magic eraser getting rid of all their bullshit.

I used to joke with my WH that I can't understand how he could love me when he is sooooo in love with himself. Because I had no knowledge of what he really was.

Live and learn.

timespent posted 5/16/2019 17:43 PM

Thanks for the words of encouragement pureheartkit, I'm on it!!

And ya, Mr. Nice Guy\Bullshit artist, joke's on me. Except now I've seen behind the curtain of the puppet show lol

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