"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/12/2019 22:26 PM

I read a thread earlier from Bestthing where she had told her WH that ...”hypothetically if I give him permission to have sex with other women (a complete free pass that I am cool with), would he go for it?”

The answers were interesting and thought provoking. I asked my H this question...only I didn’t remember her exact words...so I used the words “I wouldn’t be hurt” in place of “I am cool with”. He immediately asked if I could give his pass retroactively . I wasn’t quite sure what he was getting at...so I told him “sure... but I would give you another pass with the same conditions”. He quickly shook his head NO...then asked if I could PLEASE give him this pass retroactively. I am a slow learner...and still didn’t comprehend why my H was wanting this pass retroactively. After all... I had already forgiven him for his A...so WHY didn’t he just answer my question about having a free pass???!!!

So I asked...WHY don’t you want a pass going forward??? He said he didn’t want a pass going forward...he has no desire to ever have an A again. But he desperately wanted to take my pain away . By this time he was crying... and asked again if I could give him this pass retroactively...where I wouldn’t be hurt with him having an A...so that I wouldn’t be feeling pain NOW. He said he just wanted my pain to go away .

My H has said some pretty nice things to me since DDay...and this is definitely one at the top the list . But it got me to thinking about free passes.

A little background...my H and I have discussed...planned... and carried out our sexual fantasies throughout our M. I have known about this fantasy of his to use another woman for years. I drew the line at adultery... but for just about everything else...WE indulged in these fantasies we each had. I thought he felt as I did... but he thought he could have this fantasy all on his own... and since he wasn’t going to tell me...there would be no way I could ever find out. He thought wrong .

This has been on my mind a lot today. Would this be considered rugsweping? Would this make my H feel like he could steal another “free pass “ out of me by having an A? Would this even be POSSIBLE????????

My friends...what would y’all feel? What am I missing here?? Is this something that one of y’all have done...and how did it work out???

babypuke posted 5/13/2019 01:35 AM

Good that your WH was crying, it suggests genuine remorse on his side and a step forward. People feel better and become more cooperative when they have the idea that they were involved and consulted in the decision making, even when it is all just a procedure and fake! Also, if people cannot neutralize a stressor via actions then thinking about positives may relieve stress. What you raised may help and is not rugsweeping as your WH suffered consequences. Yet, how can you retroactively say you would not be hurt?, since you obviously were hurt? Strength!

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/13/2019 05:14 AM

Good points babypuke. I have been thinking about the “free pass” in moving forward. I was thinking that if I saw this as a final step in our sexual fantasy come true phase...that I might be able to get through the pain that lingers.

Affair season started on May 11... and I am trying to be proactive this year in combating the next 9 weeks. So far so good !!! But the true test actually doesn’t start until June...when they fucked for the first time.

I have experienced firsthand that when I change my mindset...my thoughts and feelings change too. I feel like this would be rugsweeping though. It seems intriguing...and I wanted to see if anyone else experienced something like this. Thanks for your input!!!

Hippo16 posted 5/13/2019 08:34 AM

ummmmm. . .
!
So a 'free pass' for?

an ORGASM!!!! - wonderful! Dosn't everyone just *love* an orgasm?

emotional gratification! Doesn't everyone *love* having someone dote on them?

DISEASES!!!!!!!!!!

Oops - don't mean to be the wet blanket

Internet search - about 25% (SWAG?) of americans (lower case a on purpose) have Herpes!

HPV??? "Doctors say almost EVERYone has HPV of some sort." Ladies: Russian Roulette on your menu?

Gonorrhea: New strains "out there" getting or are drug resistant. Guys, not having had it but having seen shipmantes endure - you DON'T want a copy!!!!

Free-Pass? for what - trying to kill love and respect of your spouse. I don't think majority (99+%) of spouses willingly 'share' their parner.

Free-Pass? HSV? Willing to Gamble your future health - for life? Medical people claim "it can be managed." Ya, but you are forever a carrier even if you only suffer the first outbreak. I missed that fun (shear luck!) But did date some ladies that had become infected. And were nice enough to decline any kind of activity that would enable "sharing."

When I got married - I had to have a test for Syphilis. Now?

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/13/2019 09:12 AM

I apologize Hippo16...I must not have worded my post well enough. My H didn’t ask for a free pass going forward. He wants it to be for his past A. He said if what I said was true...that he could have an A and I wouldn’t get hurt...then could I apply it to the A he had...and not be hurt by it.

I hope this makes better sense!

sisoon posted 5/13/2019 10:19 AM

If you R, you do give him a retroactive free pass in a way. No matter what, your partner violated his vows without punishment. In fact, a WS who does the work actually feels and behaves more humean-heartedly than s/he did before or during the A.

But the BS can't get there without going through the pain. You may say you want to give a free pass, but I don't think it's possible.

I draw this conclusion from comments made by SIers who cheated with 'permission' of their partners.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/13/2019 15:00 PM

As always sisoon...your words ring true . As much as I hated going through the pain... I did get stronger among other things .

I may have to research why this retroactive free pass is so intriguing to me. My first thought was because it would be like rugsweeping. I know from my experience with my 1st M that this will NOT work.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/13/2019 15:27 PM

It does seem like rugsweeping to me. The problem with a retro free pass is that you were lied to and deceived that time around. You weren't given a choice.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/13/2019 16:08 PM

I totally agree cocoplus5nuts. The thing is... I know most of the truth now. With all the information I had...I could practically tell you how long they were in bed together.

I was so moved by my H’s reply yesterday. He screwed up horribly... and it hurts him to see me hurt. This makes me hurt for him . But I feel like you do...he didn’t give me a choice in this. As I wrote that I realized I made the choice for US already. I told him adultery was off the table. We could indulge in a lot of other decadent things... but I wouldn’t cross that line. He viewed what he did differently... and in the end it stopped ALL decadent activities. Honestly though...neither of us miss that part of our M.

LongSigh posted 5/14/2019 02:32 AM

A retroactive free pass to eliminate pain, that’s definitely an intriguing thought. The question is would it erase your pain at the deception? The cheating bit hurts but how does it compare to the actual betrayal of your connection? The lying, sneaking, hiding, and disrespect.

I actually considered it after reading your post. Unfortunately, it wouldnt work for me. The sex part is bad but the betrayal and deception, goes sooooooo much deeper. 2.2 yrs out and I still think it’s a deal breaker half the time.

It’s a neat idea though.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/14/2019 09:27 AM

You bring up good points too LongSigh...and that betrayal of connection point is probably my main issue. I am intentionally evasive about our sexual fantasies... but my H had said that this was the next progression. He didn’t understand why I was so caught up in the actual “body fluid exchange” part since we had...in HIS mind...been having sexual contact with others for years. I obviously didn’t feel the same way. Looking back NOW... I can see where what we were doing...although not committing adultery as it is defined...was something that a monogamous couple should not have been doing. However...WE were still having a connection...whether we were being in a threesome or one of us watching and cheering on the other. This A was ALL on him. He knew I would be devastated if I found out...yet he did it anyway...thinking he could keep this secret to his grave. He thought wrong.

pureheartkit posted 5/14/2019 09:52 AM

I think you can forgive completely if you both want it in your hearts. You can do it. It is the most vulnerable thing you may ever do. The thoughts and memories may come by but you will easily let them go. You know that nothing like that will ever happen again. You know that your partner wants only the very best for you from now until eternity.

Can he show you this is what he wants? That it's not empty words for his benefit until next time?

If he really is there and means it with his whole heart, take the opportunity and give yourself the gift of laying down this sadness so you can both live in peace and love.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/14/2019 11:31 AM

pureheartkit...I always look forward to reading your posts because they are FULL of sweetness and positivity ! To have you write on one of my threads is an HONOR Dear Lady .

It is funny you asked those questions...because I asked him just that! He is adamant that he will NEVER go down this path again. I may be foolish... but I truly believe him .

Zugzwang posted 5/14/2019 11:39 AM

to use another woman for years.

. He focused on the pain he caused you for stepping out of the marriage (which is great that he sees it), but what about his need being so great to use a woman that he would violate your marriage? IDK, just sounds like the bigger issue is that he wanted to use another woman and knew it. Doesn't smack of healthy to me. I would be more concerned about that and that type of want would be no biggie to him? if you weren't in pain if he could have that unhealthy need fixed retroactively. How about not having the need to use someone instead?

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/14/2019 19:30 PM

Zugzwang.:.this is something that my H can’t fathom wanting to do now. He was really upset when he found out the adultery co-conspirator was using HIM just as much as he was using her . From what I have read on here and other places...that is what affairs consist of...broken people using each other.

I totally agree that his A was very unhealthy!! But honestly...what WE indulged in was definitely NOT healthy for our M...although neither one of us saw it that way at the time. My H took it a step further on his own... and it cost us both dearly . Looking back...I am ashamed at some of the things we did. We are definitely on the right path now .

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/15/2019 10:05 AM

I think I have my sign ! My Bible Study for today focused on what Joseph said when his brothers realized who he was and what they had done. They knew Joseph would punish them for their wrongdoing... but he felt very differently . He let them know that even though THEY meant to do him harm... and God didn’t interfere because of free will...that God used this for everyone’s GOOD . Joseph kept doing what was right...even though he suffered at the hand of others... and he was able to save many people. He was rewarded for his righteousness also .

I am in NO WAY a righteous person. My H and I made many bad choices in our M. But out of this devastation a new M arose...a stronger M...a BETTER M . I have been going with the “free pass” scenario since I wrote this post. I have to say...it is a FREEING scenario . It doesn’t matter much HOW we got to this place as long as we STAY in this place . I know in MY heart that I don’t EVER want to go back to the indulgent and decadent path we were on. My heart and thoughts are much higher and way more loving . I was the one who started us on the dark path...my sexual urges and fantasies were over the top. So if I have changed my mindset on that... I KNOW my H could too .

I have forged ahead on MANY things I thought were impossible to attain... and so far I have attained everything I set out to...well...attain !!! I am going to give this a try too. Nothing ventured nothing gained...right?!

numb&dumb posted 5/15/2019 10:36 AM

I may have to research why this retroactive free pass is so intriguing to me.

It is a "tippy toe" towards forgiveness. You've accepted that it happened and you can't the change the past. That is a very healthy thing.

I agree with Sisoon (as I usually do) anyone that wants to R and do it successfully gives a retroactive pass to their WS. Although I prefer to call that grace.

Your H wants your forgiveness in the worst way. Don't rush this. Let it come organically. You can forgive without condoning. You also can put boundaries in place that help you feel comfortable.

Followtheriver posted 5/15/2019 15:36 PM

Wants2BHappyAgain,

After reading your last reply, it reminded me of a this quote.

What we count the ills of life
are blessings in disguise,
resulting in good to us in the end.
Though for the present
not joyous but grievous,
yet, if recieved in a right spirit
they work out fruits of
Righteousness for us at last.

Matthew Henry

While you may not consider yourself a righteous person, from my limited understanding, righteousness can only come from the love of God. Letting him in, changes your heart, which in turn, changes your actions. You are not made righteous by what you do but by what is in your heart. So the way I figure it, you are in every way a righteous person.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/15/2019 19:54 PM

numb&dumb...thank you for your insight . I have felt as you do...that I was giving grace and mercy to my H. But this “free pass” feels different in my head. We gave each other a lot of “free passes” when we were indulging in our fantasies... and in most ways my H set the boundaries with the adultery co-conspirator much like we did with others we were with. BUT...all of the other stuff was known by BOTH of us...his A was not . I have never felt comfortable saying I accept what happened. I much prefer the term adapt. I can adapt to this new path we find ourselves on. Maybe I can adapt better by seeing this as a free pass? All I know is that I feel better by having this mindset .

Followtheriver ...I love you !!! And it isn’t because I am heteroflexible either !!! You have such a sweet soul and I believe your words came at exactly the time I needed them my Dear Friend . Thank you for sending this message to me!!!