SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I’ve read a lot of the recent threads, Plan A and Plan B, and flaws in men, and being less attractive than an ankle-humping chihuahua, and I have come to a realization.

I traveled for business. He would come over and fuck my fWW. As far as I know, he never mowed the grass (Dude, least you could have done). He never fixed anything around the house (again, Dude, you knew the faucet was leaking). I know he never made a house or car payment.

But he got the sex, he got the affection, he got the attention, he got the flirting, he got the longing glances. And he got it all pretty much for free.

I way, way, way overpaid. I got hoodwinked. I can’t believe the hoops I jumped through trying to get in her pants, and it turns out the price of admission was astonishingly low.

Is there a good explanation? He wasn’t better looking, no more money, no more prestige, it wasn’t better sex, I know him, he’s not the life of the party or charming. He was betraying his wife and child; seems a negative to me, but I might be wrong about that. Why, then?

Well, I have read a lot of sophisticated ( and some not sophisticated) psychological analysis on this site, but I’m not sure any of it explains my fWW. She was bored. That’s all. She just wanted a little excitement in her life.

I would so much rather have been the excitement in her life, instead of the Plan A provider.

Yeah, she was fucked up and selfish. Pretty much explains all the WS's reasons on this site.

Yes, it does seem like the AP's and our WS's got a "good" deal. In my beginning years on this journey I would fume about the fact that my FWH got a trip to FantasyLand where Unicorns shit skittles and fart rainbows and I didn't even get a fucking T-shirt.

I know, right?

The LEAST my FWH's AP could have done was wash his dirty stinky underpants or paid his rent!

Sucks balls. GRRRRR

Well Damn It. Plan A. Who knew that was the kiss of death.

Here I am - a Trophy Wife. An 11. Keep a full time job, benefits, GS leader, soccer and dance mom, exercise regular and keep up my appearance, keep a clean home, home cooked meals and an exciting bedroom, attend Church on [most] Sunday's, do all the household chores (from finances to poop scooping) including finances and I make blankets for cold weather shelters in my spare time.

And I could have just been bored. Damn. Silly me.

This ought to be interesting.

I agree with you. My W's AP got a great deal. Come over, fuck, fuck again, maybe again, then, when he couldn't get it up anymore, go home to his W. Never bought her anything. Never did a lick of choreplay. WW never had a headache or said "Not tonight". In fact, every time they saw each other she was GTG as many times as he liked/could perform.

I think this is going to expose a very fundamental difference between the sexes. My W's AP got the thing that I would have killed for. He got the "dream" of the hot girl, ready to go at a moments notice, whenever he wanted it. I'm deeply envious. Yes, I want his deal.

Looking at my personal situation, I'm pretty confident that the AP's BW wouldn't take my W's "deal" for a million dollars. I think most women would consider it a horrible deal unless they are highly sexually motivated. And that's the funny thing, I'd "switch places" with the AP in a heartbeat, he got an awesome couple of months with my WW, months that I wonder if I'll ever get as good. But I doubt she (the OBS) would trade places with my W. She was getting the stuff she wanted and not having to "put up with" all the sex from the AP. I'm sure she looks at my wife not with jealously but with simple contempt and "how could you be so stupid". I don't think she has any desire at all to "switch places" with her.

The AP's relationship with my WW sounds like a dream to me, all the fun (more than I had), none of the responsibility/cost. Yes, I overpaid and got under delivered. Where he bounced a few checks and took the whole store home.

I get it. Why stay then? You could have AP's deal tomorrow.

Wait...what, RIO? There wouldn't be any BH's here if their wive's didn't "take the deal".

And, yeah, I think it is a good deal. To be able to slip away from the routine and reality to a hotel room after revving each other up for weeks with phone calls is a pretty sweet deal. To be able to compartmentalize your family and feelings so you can freely enjoy your cognitive dissonance and not suffer any guilt has got to be freeing. To just be able to slip into a role you are playing for a few hours. To escape reality I feel it could be intoxicating. And, not really having anything much to do with the person that is acting as the partner in your personal FantasyLand except that it is a willing actor and fulfills their role.

BTW, the OW was not a "hot, dream girl". Lets call It a typical MidWestern, Middle Aged, everyday woman with a stuck in the 80's hairstyle. Meow! Not someone I would be threatened by in the least in the looks department. But, It was willing to fuck my FWH's brains out at a moments notice without getting anything else from him. No gifts, no cards, no letters, no dinners, no dates, except one weekend together. I was appalled about what little knowledge FWH had about the OW. I knew more about the OW in a couple of months than FWH knew about It whilst fucking It for years. And, OW probably told him all about Its shit, but FWH had no fucks to give about It so it wasn't anything he retained.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:43 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

But, It was willing to fuck my FWH's brains out at a moments notice without getting anything else from him.

And I think that's exactly what people are saying with "I want the AP's deal".

But, to that end, would you want "its" deal? I think, from reading your message, the answer is "hell no".

[This message edited by Rideitout at 2:45 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Not arguing, RIO. We agree. It seems like a great deal.

Not arguing, RIO. We agree. It seems like a great deal.

Seems like because it IS a great deal! Let me clarify, WOULD BE a great deal for me, and WAS a great deal for me when I was younger. Finding a girl who just wanted to "booty call" me was like finding the fountain of eternal youth. No commitment, here's my number, call me when you're horny.. OMG, younger RIO would have thought he died and went to heaven. But that's exactly the deal that "it" struck with your H, and the deal that my WW struck with her AP (unknowingly, at least to hear her tell it, but, foresight or not, that was the "deal", because, duh, it's almost always the deal in a PA. If you're not after sex, stay home, because you're probably not gonna get it. And if you are after sex, stay home anyway and examine where you've gone wrong in life!).

I don't want the AP's deal because in the end he got *her*, and she's a fuckin nightmare. My freedom > some triflin ass hobag. I want some other AP's deal where the woman's BH is the husband from Sleeping with the Enemy, so I can rationalize being the piece of shit OM.

So yes, it SEEMS like a good deal, except for this

He was betraying his wife and child

I would never take that deal because of character and integrity. I would not want to have to live with the fact that I threw away my marriage for lies and some kibbles. I made a vow and will keep it because my word is my word.

Hell, my wife made house calls to one of the APs offices, which was the model home for our neighborhood. She would go there while I was working at home. Crazy to think you could get some while working and it would even come to you...but he also was betraying his wife and kids. And no way it was his first time, and it wasn't hers either. So no...I don't want the unicorn farting rainbows in fantasy land.

NeverHealed...no shit, right?

I was contributing to the household and dragging my ass out of bed at 0530 to make his lunch, had to be home straight after work or all hell would break loose, wasn't allowed to have friends or anything resembling a support system, let alone a fucking social life.

But ex asshat took every opportunity to fuck other women and then took great joy in telling me all about it. He didn't give a reason. He was just an asshole.

Probably why he's an ex!

And, this is where we willl disagree. I will admit it took me awhile to get there, too, RIO. It only seems like a great deal. We actually do agree and feel the same way about certain things, RIO.

When I was single, I was fine with NSA sex. I was fine being a booty call. From my POV they were the booty call. Didn't matter. When FWH asked me to get married, I had to think long and hard about it. I really enjoyed my single life. Not all the time, but, overall I was having a great time. Early 20's in the 70's! What a time! I felt I was making a sacrifice to get married, but I also felt my FWH was well worth the sacrifice and I loved him and did want to grow old with him.

As we mature, our priorities, feelings, thinking and emotions mature. Our wants and needs mature or change. I am not going to get into how committing adultery isn't a good deal. That is whole other thread, I think.

I used to want AP's deal.

But he got the sex, he got the affection, he got the attention, he got the flirting, he got the longing glances. And he got it all pretty much for free.

Change it to "she" and I could have written it all. It sounded amazing.

Now I pity her. She's broken and pathetic and gross (and so was the guy she was having an affair with) I don't want to be anything like her and I don't want anything to do with that guy.

The deal she had with the AP messed everything up. It destroyed friendships she and I had, almost destroyed our relationship forever, would have left her at her parent's house and trying to recover from a destroyed marriage. Because in the end, she never wanted him anyway. That relationship went up in flames so fast it was a waste of time for her. That bridge was burnt on the NC call in front of me.

I think that is does not seem like such a sweet deal to my STBXWW any more. What did she get? Some thrills and some excitement. It all started when she (her words) told a cowboy at the barn my daughter boarded at, that her life was not that exciting. Since he is a predatory sex addict IMHO, he obliged. Turns out she was one on many. What did she really get? Shitty truck sex, stress, a partially enlarged heart from the stress, aged a decade in a year lost her family, lost her reputation, lost friends, looks like shit now and has developed a facial tick from stress. Yup, pretty sweet deal. What did I get? Got to see who I was really married to. Get to get out of this toxic environment. Get my soul back. Oh I I get to keep myself respect. She did get excitment though... shoulda read the back of the brochure though. You know the fine print

AP got the same deal I got... a lying POS.

I would imagine in most cases, waywards could have gotten everything they were looking for in an AP with their spouse at home. M exWH told me he wanted fun and sex and sparks, so naturally he HAD to sleep with his coworker. Except I was offering all of that - HE was the one who was constantly rejecting me, withholding love and affection and sex, never wanted to go out or do anything fun.

And that’s the thing - waywards are broken. They’re selfish, entitled, and lazy. They want all that good stuff without ever having to do any work. Because they deserve it. So they find someone else as broken as them who doesn’t expect anything - nothing real anyway.

My EXWW AP also got a pretty good deal. You would have thought he would never had a chance with her. So he got the to win the challenge of bagging the wife who in 25 years had never cheated. He got her to participate in porn style sex, and got to brag about it to the other guys he worked with.

I was stupid and didn’t ruin his life over it, so he escaped with virtually no consequences.

While it was a good deal for him, as he was a predator that bagged his prey and left our marriage a bloody carcass, it’s still one that I wouldn’t have wanted. I don’t know how I could sleep at night knowing I destroyed a once happy family