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Different sex drives and compatibility question

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cocoplus5nuts posted 5/5/2019 18:31 PM

BECAUSE (for the millionth time) CHEATING IS NOT JUST ABOUT SEX.

It is amazing how difficult it is for some people to get this, isn't it?

ChamomileTea posted 5/5/2019 18:39 PM

I was talking to the lady who started the post.

Ooops! Sorry. I was reading too fast this morning and assumed it was about a post that had been commented on a couple of times.

turnthepage posted 5/5/2019 19:20 PM

No worries, it was universal. The lady who started this just seemed to need to hear it worse than you.

I don’t buy into love languages. I do buy into making yourself happy. Allow the person you are with to do what makes them happy. Then be nice to each other and bone a lot. Works great, I recommend.

Rideitout posted 5/5/2019 19:53 PM

Again with the black/white, either/or, allot nothing thinking.

That's just how I think. But, instead of telling me how it's not helpful to you, how about proposing your own situations? I'll be happy to answer "yes, that would fill my LL" or "no, it would not".

Have you read the book and taken the quiz?

I have (both). Me, PT primary, quality time second. Wife is words of affirmation.

rebplay posted 5/5/2019 20:03 PM

BECAUSE (for the millionth time) CHEATING IS NOT JUST ABOUT SEX.
It is amazing how difficult it is for some people to get this, isn't it?

Wow! Tough on the hurting ones aren’t we?! Obviously infidelity is more than just sex, but it still seems like an oxymoron for the lower sex drive spouse to do the cheating.

OwningItNow posted 5/5/2019 22:53 PM

it still seems like an oxymoron for the lower sex drive spouse to do the cheating.

This is so very true. It's almost ironic or maybe just an extra kick in the face that you wanted more sex and he gave it to someone else. This is what my H would have said about my RA, but it obviously wasn't about the affair sex (which was really, really bad). If you are begging for more sex and your spouse has no interest, and then they go off and have an A but still want to reconcile, it becomes glaringly obvious that the act of having sex is about so much more than the sex. And figuring out what sex says to you is a lot of work. Sex can be about feeling good, but it is often about feeling loved, valued, chosen, connected, validated, attractive, bonded, comforted, approved of, young, alive, not lonely, worthy, sexy, risque, powerful, empowered, mature, taken care of, entertained, romanced, part of a team, and in control. Just know that a cheater is after this stuff if there is a higher drive spouse at home wishing for more sex.

MamaDragon posted 5/6/2019 12:17 PM

I have a higher sex drive than my FWS. I always have - this last year it was especially different bc he has low testosterone that dropped even further and he would not go to the DR about it. It got to the point that if I offered a kiss, he'd walk off. He would not touch me in any form or fashion. Pissed doesn't even begin to cover my feelings. It got bad enough that I threatened him to go to the DR or I'd drag him there by his balls. (not just to deal with the sex issue, low testosterone causes many issues with the male body).

It caused a lot of issues/fights between us. UGLY fights bc I was convinced he didn't find me attractive. One time, which was the worst fight we had - I had sent him a racy pic on the phone and I got "nice" back as his comment. NICE? Just NICE? yeah it did not end well that night

Even if he attempted to have sex he had ED. Which didn't help my feelings at all. I'm normally a very self confident woman and I was getting very down on myself. He could see how this was affecting me and eventually he talked about it in his IC and his IC gave him some advice - even if you can't perform, doesn't mean you can't touch her in a loving manner or help her to achieve orgasm with toys etc.

He started trying to touch me more, in a loving cuddling manner and we played with some toys etc...and he'd send me loving texts, and he finally went to the doc and started the testosterone shots. Low and behold, he has not had any issues and is now back to his normal low sex drive. BUT he continues to tell me how sexy I am, whistle at me if he catches me nude, doing loving things for me...and helping me play with toys when he is not really into it. This major issue has caused us to be more communicative with one another - and the cuddles, the touches, the sexy notes - make up for the lack of actual sex.

It takes a lot of communication to keep us on an even keel though - so yes, it does work if you have different sex drives but the love and willingness to work around it has to be there to make it so.

crazyblindsided posted 5/6/2019 14:02 PM

This is something interesting about physical touch/sex as a love language. Why is it a "turn off" like this when your H/W wants to express love to you this way?

I don't think my WS is expressing his love this way. If it was he never would have made me feel bad about having the lower sex drive and worked with me on it or come to some type of compromise. I don't feel like having sex every single day. My WS does. The type of sex also does not feel very loving, it often feels like I am a means to an end.

Also if my WS was more concerned about my mental well being it would have never gotten to this point. My WS went into M knowing I am a sexual abuse survivor and have a lower drive than him. My WS complained, put me down, threatened D if we didn't have sex more than 3x week... real turn on eh?

Now I don't feel attracted to him because I felt like he rubbed his A's in my face as an example of what happens to a person with a low sex drive in a M.

Now I could care less. We have sex... I get my rocks off and so does he but it isn't a main concern for me anymore.

NeverHealed posted 5/6/2019 21:43 PM

My fWW likes to hold hands. A lot. As a matter of fact, she might be a borderline hand-holding addict (HHA). She initiates hand-holding at least twice a day. Me, not so much. I am a low drive hand-holder. I initiate only once in a while. Sometimes, it's a quicky. Sometimes, I wonder if I am ever going to get my hand back.

I'm not sure what she gets out of hand-holding; it doesn't do much for me. I don't know why she wants to hold hands so much. Is it affection? Do I look good at that moment? Smell good? Is she signaling to other men that she is unavailable? Is she bragging to other women? Does it provide comfort, security? Is it intimate? Is she just getting her rocks off?

But I like that she wants to hold my hand, whatever her reasons. I never turn her down, and I would be disappointed if she stopped. It's never occurred to me that I am being used inappropriately, somehow. It's something she likes, and she only does it with me (nowadays). I don't get as much out of it as she does, but it pleases me to give her pleasure, as often as she wants it.

Sometimes, she reaches for my hand and doesn't find it right away. She nudges me to make sure I know she wants it. If I refused to hold her hand, it would hurt her feelings and she would think something was wrong.

I guess I don't fit very well on this thread.

sunwillshine posted 5/7/2019 11:45 AM

We have gotten way off track here. The OP was looking for input on her situation. From what I could gather, her WH is demanding sex and requested they have an open marriage to meet his sexual desires. She stated she is having all types of sex with him 3 to 4 times a week. Which is not where she would be sexually if her H was not high libido.
My comments to the OP are that it seems to me that your wh is being entitled and unhealthy in his demands. You don't have to go along with his demands. You can take care of you and learn to respond to him in healthy ways. Depending on your ages, I think sex 3 to 4 times a week is pretty good.
As for an open marriage, is that something you would choose? Or is that something you are going along with to please your h? If it is something you both want and you both have good communication on the parameters, that's great. If you are just going along with it, perhaps you need to do some soul searching as to why?
In any healthy relationship, sex is a loving and giving thing for both partners. Having a higher sex drive than my partner is something that we discuss and come to agreements about. Not just, feeling rejected and not discussing it. Sex is not the most important sign of love as some people tend to think. I know because I once thought that way.
People in healthy, healing relationships do not worry about the ever changing who has the highest libido issues. They learn to treat each other with love and respect. They learn communications skills and take a bigger interest in what makes their partner feel loved. Never at the expense of themselves. Rather when I do things to make my partner feel loved and he does things that make me feel loved, we both benefit.

After33years posted 5/7/2019 15:49 PM


My husband has a much lower sex drive than I do, yet he was the one that cheated.
I have always been a very generous, adventurous lover and would never have denied him sex if he had wanted it and I was having an off day.
I think that compatible sex drives are a wonderful thing but it doesn't guarantee fidelity.
If a person decides to cheat it's because they want to cheat period. I don't think sex drive has anything to do with it.

Countrygirl10 posted 5/9/2019 13:33 PM

‘Ina lot of cases, wayward people have affairs want the adrenaline rush (or whatever) associated with cheating and/or experiencing a new partner. It is literally a 'thrill' that you cannot have with a long-term partner.’

From another post that I made after this one this statement stuck out to me.
Someone had stated addictive personality and that I can confirm he has. And the above statement I quoted is really starting to make some sence to me. Now that I am starting to look at his behaviors in a different way.

And also I read a lot about love language on here I googled the ‘quiz’ and did it for myself I am doing it now for what I know my husband would say (more just out of curiosity I will ask him to do it later as well)

hikingout posted 5/9/2019 13:38 PM

That's great, countrygirl. I would recommend you get him into therapy and get him working on some of this stuff.

Do you know if he's been sexually abused? That is something men don't always reveal easily but could be potentially the issue. I have only known two men like your husband is described and both were victims of molestation in adolescence.

I don't have any experience with sexual addiction - but the little I know about it and from reading here, there are a lot of things that go into the "sobriety" for someone with it. He is going to have to recognize the problem himself and without professional help/therapy I think you have very little chance of getting him to see that on his own.

Countrygirl10 posted 5/9/2019 13:47 PM

‘the turn off, the turn off is when all PT leads to sex”. I love physical touch, but not all PT involves sex, and sometimes I just want to cuddle. If my spouse thinks that every time we we cuddle/kiss then it’s going to lead to sex then i have two choices (1) we have sex and I don’t get the expression of PT that I am sometimes seeking (which feels like rejection to me); or (2) I shut him down and he feels rejected. Both are injurious to the Relationship.’

This statement also hits home to me. He will say things like I just need touch not just sex. ‘Why can’t you lay near me, sit next to me, etc.. However when I do things like cuddle, or lay near him when watching tv hands ALWAYS wonder witch leads me to just not do it. It makes it just a huge turn off.
As much as he says he wants more physical touch I do as well. But to him it always leads to sex where I would be ok just being next to him so I just don’t do it. (Writing that makes me sound like suck a terrible person, we both would like the same thing just different outcomes)

hikingout posted 5/9/2019 13:55 PM

That does NOT make you sound like a terrible person. I think what you express is a normal dynamic in a relationship where polarization is occurring. Meaning - you are at odds with each other about sex, so you avoid it and he pursues it harder. It's very, very common.

hdybrh posted 5/9/2019 14:12 PM

My best friend is married to a woman who never wants sex... it's been years and he's only 41. It was always infrequent but since their son it's non-existent. He's frustrated about it, but uses porn and is resolved to it. She is one of the nicest people you'd ever meet. Kind, funny, attractive, a good mom to their kid. But also refuses therapy or marriage counseling to deal with that issue. I try not to steer him but it makes me sad he's in a marriage that can't give him what he needs.

But here's why I bring that up...

He has turned down multiple propositions from other women. Women that would be considered out of his league. Because he's married. And he has integrity.

Would an open marriage for them be better for him to go get what he wants/needs? Or a divorce/separation? Probably. But this is an extreme case... if one partner wants every day and the other wants every week you talk about it. You don't go to cheat.

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