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Ultimatum day came and went....

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30yearheartbreak posted 5/1/2019 18:46 PM

WH agreed to try marriage counseling again and today was our appt. What he didn't know was I had an ultimatum...stop all contact with any AP
No sneakiness on his phone and no more Facebook girlfriend contacts...all private contact is over or I'm filing for D. He admitted to multiple A since we seperated within last 3 months and says he self-destructive. He said he wishes he wasn't here anymore but that he's not suicidal...OK...whatever. I was proud of myself because I felt the worst pain of my life but I remained calm and firm. My counselor tried every way to get through to him but he is still resisting. Finally, my counselor said let's give this one week for your decision. You can come back next week and give her your decision or just don't come back at all and then she will begin the process of D. We left on that note and both went to our cars, but before that we hugged and I told him I will love him always. He looked shell shocked and just sat by his car...I was hoping I would have what direction I was moving in today but now I have to wait another week and it's more hoping and praying and woundering...I am willing to work on my marriage with everything he's done and if he is not, then I will be better off without him....eventually.

KatyaCA posted 5/1/2019 18:51 PM

Why are you waiting another week and giving him all the power? Nothing is going to change in that week. File

BraveSirRobin posted 5/1/2019 19:33 PM

I'm honestly appalled that your therapist put you in that position.

Hold2win posted 5/1/2019 20:47 PM

If he wants to save the marriage it would be an easy decision to end all contact with the AP.

This week is going to drive you crazy on hopium. Start the D process now*if* he changes his mind you can stop it. All odds point to him not changing his mind however, dont hit the hopium and start the D.

It is hard, it hurts, but it will move you towards healing. Starting thinking of yourself as a me and not a we. Its the biggest favor you can do for yourself right now.

brkn_heartd posted 5/1/2019 20:48 PM

Gently said.....he told you his decision. The inability to make a decision is the decision. He cannot make the decision to be true to you......

DesertLily posted 5/1/2019 20:50 PM

I agree with BraveSirRobin. My therapist would never had said that. It implies that your WH has all the control and power over you and your M.

Excuse me, but F@#k that! You are in control of you. Decide for yourself what you want. Take back your power!

I wish you well, whatever you do. Best wishes.

The1stWife posted 5/1/2019 20:57 PM

Hes is still resisting

Not a great or sign unfortunately.

sewardak posted 5/1/2019 21:12 PM

He married you. He doesnt get to date and then decide. Game over

timespent posted 5/1/2019 21:51 PM

Dear 30year, I'm so sorry. If your spouse is in self destruct mode please don't let him take you down too. Save yourself. Your power is being diminished each day you "wait" for him to choose you. Choose yourself. You are definitely worth it!!

DevastatedDee posted 5/1/2019 23:03 PM

This is an important time for some self-love. Are you an option or a priority? He says you're an option and not a very exciting one. The beautiful thing is that what he thinks has no relevance. You need to see yourself as a priority.

Let's say he wants to come back and tells you he's going NC and not going to cheat anymore. Are you expecting that you'll believe him? What kind of life are you envisioning with someone like this? What is it about him that makes him a prize to you? From here, I see a man who has decided that he doesn't owe you loyalty and that he doesn't have to give a shit about your feelings. That's about as safe for you as keeping a rabid dog in the house.

StillLivin posted 5/2/2019 01:28 AM

Oh sweetie, all you did was the pick me dance. You essentially said to him, "please pick me so I don't have to divorce you!"
We get it. It hurts so bad at first. You probably won't see those divorce papers drafted for at least a few weeks even if you had an appointment with your attorney tomorrow.
His refusal to give you an immediate answer was his answer. By waiting, you are also drawing out the agony for an entire week. Please make an appointment ASAP to file for divorce. If he chooses you, then you can call and cancel the appointment.
I'd fire that counselor. I'm honestly shocked that she handled that so poorly.
I'm so sorry he continues to do this to you.

MamaDragon posted 5/2/2019 08:03 AM

his action, or lack thereof has told you his response. He doesn't think you will go through with a D.

I would go see a lawyer while you are waiting for your IC Appointment - have them draw up papers and take them with you to the IC appt. If he shows up, and says he wants to try - great, If he shows up and says he can't make a decision - great, you have the papers and have your decision ready for his signature. If he doesn't show, great - you have made your decision you just need to have him served.

either way - you are on your rode to recovery. Just bc the IC said to wait a week, doesn't mean you can't be prepared for starting the D paperwork.

Don't wait on him any longer.

Adaira posted 5/2/2019 08:20 AM

Hes made it clear that he only sees you as one of his options. This is abusive. Take back your power, remove yourself as an option, and make it clear to him that you will no longer tolerate being treated like this. You do NOT need to give him another week to keep dragging his feet. Thats ridiculous.

I know its scary right now, but just keep going one step at a time. I was where you are now - with an indecisive, ambivalent spouse who wanted to keep me around as an option while he made up his mind. Now Im on the other side, divorced, and I can tell you life is SO MUCH BETTER when youre not trying to convince someone else of your worth.

Make yourself a priority right now. Hes never going to.

PeaceLily210 posted 5/2/2019 08:23 AM

I'm also appalled that your MC put you in this position. I'm appalled that your MC couldn't be firm with him and allowed his waffling behavior. HORRIBLE!! That is NOT healthy therapy.

It reminds me of an IC a friend of mine once had. He told her, an alcoholic, that it was okay to continue to drink so that she could "say goodbye" to her friend, the alcohol.

Clearly a framed diploma doesn't always mean much.

This path is demeaning you. She's encouraged him to continue to be disrespectful to you.

I agree that you should take your power back and file. You don't have to continue with the D if you find you and WH wind up back on the same path together. For now though, I'd say file.

WileyC posted 5/2/2019 08:36 AM

Gee, I wonder how many times he will have sex with an AP this week trying to make his "decision"?

You're being a weak doormat, and weak doormats are not nearly as exciting as APs are. You're Plan B (or C or D).

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/2/2019 09:30 AM

Unfortunately I have to agree with everyone here. You just need to file...but think of it this way for you: filing does not mean it's done. What it means is that you are making a move - action - the total opposite of his inaction.

My WH wants to sit in limbo forever. That's what he wants. He thinks he loves me one day and doesn't the next. It's a total mindfuck and one that I can deal with only for so long. I have news for my WH (and yours) - I think I love him one way and don't the next too...and I'm guessing so do you. But you are willing to make a choice to try to work it out. He has to do the same - make a choice one way or the other. The fact that he doesn't tells me either he's got a major PD (possible) and isn't capable of certain things (in which case running away is your best choice) or he doesn't want to choose. Either way, it's pointless to let him "think it out" for awhile. He's had MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME ALREADY.

30yearheartbreak posted 5/2/2019 13:13 PM

I am a Christian and I have a Christian therapist. His main goal is to make sure we have done everything possible to repair my family before D. I have given my WH his last chance to change his life around and if he doesn't I will file. There is always hope for someone to change and I choose to give forgiveness for his choices as long as he is ready to do the work to repair our marriage. If not, then I have done everything God would want me to do to save him from his self-destruction.

josiep posted 5/2/2019 13:32 PM

I am a Christian and I have a Christian therapist. His main goal is to make sure we have done everything possible to repair my family before D. I have given my WH his last chance to change his life around and if he doesn't I will file. There is always hope for someone to change and I choose to give forgiveness for his choices as long as he is ready to do the work to repair our marriage. If not, then I have done everything God would want me to do to save him from his self-destruction.

If your 2nd sentence is true, then you must continue to try to repair your marriage until the day you die. THAT would be the definition of doing everything possible. How does your counselor feel about you giving an ultimatum? Does that not fly in the face of doing everything possible?

I think sometimes counselors tangle us up with words that seem to make sense but in reality, are not logical. Meanwhile, you're following the steps he has laid out for you but I don't hear anything from him about protecting you and your health and your life and that of your children if you have any. I'm not encouraging you to do anything differently but please also listen to your heart and your gut as well and if it gets to be too difficult, please think about individual counseling as well.

WileyC posted 5/2/2019 13:33 PM

Your councilor is an idiot. Christians can sometimes be idiots, just like non-Christians can.

Ultimatum day has come and gone. Which means it wasn't really an ultimatum day. You're acting like the weak parent of a misbehaving little brat, telling him "I'm going to count to three!" And then counting "one, two, three.....four, five, six".

crazyblindsided posted 5/2/2019 13:37 PM

(((30yearheartbreak))) start focusing on YOU.

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