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Finally Lost it

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maise posted 4/30/2019 19:05 PM


I'm so sorry that I haven't had a chance to respond sooner. And I'm so sorry that you are going through this with your wife. I agree with the others. You need to get out of infidelity. Out of this dysfunction. It's heartbreaking, not only for you but for your baby girl. Your wife continues to show that she is not seeing herself nor holding herself accountable. You deserve better than this. She is still stuck in the same mentality that she has been in since she started the affair(s). She has not shown improvement, she has not changed. It is STILL ALL ABOUT HER. She is still seeking her escape, her brief satisfaction, her pleasures at all cost. Anything to avoid facing herself, anything to avoid facing her repercussions and her emotions. She is still FOR HER, and in the most destructive ways. Get OUT of her tornado! She is taking you and your daughter with her into her mental chaos. She doesn't want out, but you have a choice to get out of this. I know it hurts, but I can't imagine it hurts more than how much you hurt on a daily right now being in this with her.

(hugs to you, pm me if needed)

Mene posted 4/30/2019 21:53 PM

God almighty! Divorce this bitch. Sheís destroying you.

anoldlion posted 4/30/2019 23:43 PM

Saw a movie a couple of years ago that had this line.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

You don't deserve what you are getting. Let go of the one causing you to think you deserve her screwed up ideal of love. You deserve much better and you will find that better love. But first you have free yourself of this anchor hanging around your neck. I do wish you well.

Marz posted 5/1/2019 00:28 AM

All your getting is words.

That's what happens when you feed a cake eater. They just want to eat more cake.

Plus you're doing the "pick me" dance and trying to nice her back. Those weak tactics always fail.

At this time you are your biggest enemy. You accept what she's doing and have taken zero action.

The Calvary isn't coming to rescue you.

You are keeping yourself in this for what? Breadcrumbs?

You want to stay in this or you wouldn't be there. So you get to take what comes with that.

Ask yourself what are you getting out of all this?

Stop living on hopium

Marz posted 5/1/2019 00:31 AM

The AP isn't the problem here. Your wife likes this or she wouldn't stay in it.

Marz posted 5/1/2019 00:32 AM

Sheís destroying you.

Nope, Stillost is destroying himself. No one else has that power.

Tallgirl posted 5/1/2019 05:49 AM


I am sorry you are in this situation.

You can change it. Your wife continues to lie and cheat. Continues to pick her AP. You are enabling her. And she is getting stroked from all sides. Why should she stop. No reason.

What example are you setting for your daughter?

You are worth more until you realize that, your wife wonít.

Continued lying, continued cheating, any contact with the AP are all deal breakers. I am worth more. So is my sanity. It isnít easy, we are doing a trial separation due to his lies. I want to pretend he didnít hurt me. BUT HE DID. I am living by my deal breaker.

Choices have consequences, but your wife seems not to have any. She is a soul sucker not a soul mate. You donít do this to someone you love. Utterly selfish.

Go hard 180. Get to IC. Start loving yourself. Respect yourself. You need distance to clear your head.

You have all the power here, take and use it.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/1/2019 08:43 AM

You have gotten a lot of good advice on here...try your best to follow it. I have been through a lot of what you are talking about as well. It's a huge mindf__K. I am now to the point that I think maybe my own M was a bit of a fog of mine, as my WH is not the person I thought he was at all. If you are analytic like me you might find "understanding" in attachment styles...your WW sounds an awful lot like my WH, who has a very dismissive attachment style. While this will NOT help you make this "better" (because as you've so aptly put, you can't on your own) it may help you get some insight into the mindset of your WW for your own peace of mind (and to give you some tool to deal with YOU in this situation). Attachment styles are an interesting read.

STLLOST posted 5/1/2019 08:45 AM

I do appreciate everyone's opinions and advice. As far as being done my WW sent me a text last night that she's going to be filing today.

As far as what am I getting out of this...I know it sounds like I'm weak and maybe I am but for 9 years I was happy...I felt loved..I felt like I was with the person I was supposed to be with. We are a lesbian couple and we were best friends. I loved her completely. The only real thing we ever fought about was drinking everything in our life I thought was good. And then it was like invasion of the body snatchers came and took my wife and left this lost narcissistic person in it's place. In my post of a two week period is a perfect example of that. Don't get me wrong I do NOT love the person she is right now, but I kept hanging on because I'd see glimpses of who she used to be. On Easter she told me that it was the happiest and most relaxed she had felt since Mothers Day the year before..which was another time she spent with me. I thought if she could just remember those times she'd wake up. It didn't happen.

I can't do more than what I already have. I have to be done. I should've been done a long time ago and yes I know I did everything wrong. But even if I would've done what was considered the right thing I'm not sure if I'd be in a different position which is without the person I love.

PeaceLily210 posted 5/1/2019 09:15 AM

I know it sounds like I'm weak and maybe I am but for 9 years I was happy...I felt loved..I felt like I was with the person I was supposed to be with. We are a lesbian couple and we were best friends. I loved her completely. The only real thing we ever fought about was drinking everything in our life I thought was good. And then it was like invasion of the body snatchers came and took my wife and left this lost narcissistic person in it's place.

Stilllost, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. While it does sound weak, I completely understand. The man I fell in love with and eventually married was mostly a mask. He hid behind that mask for 15 solid years. It was who he wanted to be. But his demons were raging and growing behind that mask and eventually they broke through.

Your WWs drinking is a key factor in all of this. It screams to me that she is trying to run and escape from whatever pain is raging inside of her. But YOU cannot fix that. You have absolutely zero control over her need to escape. AP is part of the escape and addiction cycle. It also seems to me that chaos is part of the addiction. She needs the drama and chaos to be primary right now because it overwhelms the inner demons and pain that she doesn't want to address.

Simply, your WW is a very sick addict who needs professional help. I understand loving an addict. I would suggest getting yourself into IC to help you set up some clear boundaries for your own sanity and safety. You can love someone but not continue in a toxic relationship with them. You and your daughter will only be damaged by any more of this emotional tug of war.
Let her file. Don't fight her. Practice the 180 every minute of every day. I know it's hard but it gets easier the more you practice it. Take care of you. Your daughter needs you right now. She needs a strong parent that will protect her from the chaos she's seeing right now.

HUGS to you. Take care of you!

cancuncrushed posted 5/1/2019 09:27 AM

You heard.....what did you take from it? was it all pain? did you get any joy in hearing from her?

I personally, would tell her to seek help....I would cut her off....and maybe.....maybe....after a very long time of getting help, would I interact with her would be a short test....not the length you posted above....

You can turn this can block her...why do you subject yourself to this pain? you are in control....there is no healing in dealing with this type conversations...shes drunk venting.

Your waiting to hear what you need to feel better...its not there....its not there. This is more about you, not wanting this to be your life...this was put on you...and you hate it...I life feels destroyed too...and I want it back...that doesn't mean it is, or can come back...I cant make Wh a different acting human...

I do know that a stronger, smarter with pride...and happiness....would be more attractive to others...someone new...or someone old...Not for her....but for you to move strong...have boundaries.. block her.

I hated this....I had to accept... the end of my is....I cant change it. It was my was my entire future...I was married 36 years...I cant make him stop being an alcoholic...I cant stop him from cheating....I cant live with it...everything is different...and I hate it.. I know this will change...I know I will heal....its a process. this is where I know....I have to work on me....I have to process and move on.

I have lived it...I thought WH would finally hit bottom and get it....10 years later....its the same...still cheating...still drinking....and still lying...still a hot mess mentally...hes all over the place...and never makes sense.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:50 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

tushnurse posted 5/1/2019 10:22 AM


Please please please really start implementing the 180 now for your own good. She isn't going to do that for you.
She gets too much out of getting the attention from you. You are so darn CoD that you have spent a year trying to fix it all for her.

Now that you hopefully see it's not you that needs to fix things, maybe you can start to heal.
Please consider some Al-anon it may help you start accepting that you are not the only one, and that letting go can be quite healing for you.

It's time to focus on you. On your healing. On your happiness.

STLLOST posted 5/3/2019 12:05 PM

Thanks everyone.

Still struggling. All of this sucks so much. My heart is just so totally broken. I can't eat, I have to dose myself with a bunch of pills to sleep...all I want is to crawl in a hole.

Notthevictem posted 5/3/2019 12:29 PM

You should cut her off. Don't let her come back. Only talk about the kid, ignore all else.

She wants to live a daytime drama tv show and you are being cast as the villain and being paid with pain.

Amputate her from your life.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/3/2019 12:30 PM

I'm so sorry. ((Hugs))

It really does sound like your stbxcw has a drinking problem. Get yourself to an alanon meeting. Not so you can save her or save your M, so you can learn that this is not something you can fix. You are not responsible or obligated. You don't deserve this treatment. She is not who you thought she was.

Notthevictem posted 5/3/2019 12:33 PM

There's a song by stabbing westward called 'save yourself' that might help some to listen to.

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