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Finally Lost it

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STLLOST posted 4/30/2019 12:49 PM

After almost a year and a half of my WW coming back to me and going back to the AP over and over again I finally lost it last night.

On Monday 4/15 my WW sent me an email that said she spent time over the weekend and as much as she misses her family and the great times we've shared she still doesn't believe we're healthy together. That night she texted me and told me that if I loved her to block her..I knew that meant she was drinking and was going to text things and was pre warning me. I didn't reply to the text and she sent a few more telling me that she loved me..that she was messed up.

4/16 the next morning I got another message that said she sent an email to my personal account. It said she kept rereading what she had sent to me and cried all night long. She said she loved me so much and she hates the impossible situation she's created. She said she hates not being at home. She says she hates that she's gotten way over involved with AP and how she's messed up our life. She said she was more lost now than she was a year ago and that she has f'd up the best the thing that's ever happened to her...her marriage to me. I told her if she wanted her marriage she needed to fix things. We were emailing a little back and forth that day and she said that the AP was having a text war with her because she asked my wife if she wanted to stay married to me and she replied with yes so the manipulation started by the AP and told her that it was just a knee jerk reaction to the thought of the loss. I told her maybe that's true and she should take some time alone not talking to either one of us. She agreed but that never happened. She continued to talk to me and apparently to her as well.

She told me she had to get all of her stuff from the AP's place yet AGAIN but she had to play it cool and wait to do that because her AP had 6 days off and she didn't want to take the chance that the AP would change locks or do something to her stuff. I've heard that before so I was skeptical because of all the other times and all the flip flopping.

4/16 I asked her how she was going to handle "quiet time" with the AP being off from work. She told me that she was going to stay busy with work and then she was going to have our daughter to keep her busy.

4/17 we were emailing and I reminded her that she had invited me over Friday to color easter eggs with her and my daughter, Sat she invited me to go to an Easter Egg hunt and then invited me over Sunday. But with the quiet time I wasn't sure what she wanted to do. If she didn't want me to come over or go with them Saturday I was going to try to find some plans so I wasn't sitting around the house driving myself crazy. She told me she wanted to do just her and daughter time but I was still invited over Sunday for Easter.

On Friday 4/19 she said that her AP was coming over to her apartment because she had invited herself when she found out a mutual friend was going to be there. But she said she found an easter egg hunt Saturday if I still wanted to go and I said I can't because you said you wanted you and daughter time. She said ok that's fine I just wanted to offer.

Then Saturday 4/20 They went to the Easter egg hunt and then I guess the AP brought my wife's cat back to her and they decided to hang out and do lunch and go to IKEA. But I had to ask because she told me she was going to IKEA but never mentioned who she was going with. But I asked and she was honest and said that yes the AP was with her. That night I texted her and asked her what time I was supposed to be coming over the next day. She said we decided on 10 and I said ok thanks I wasn't sure. She then said I could just go over then. So basically she was inviting me to spend the night. I wasn't feeling well so I declined the offer but she seemed upset by it. She said she wasn't but...

Sunday 4/21 I show up and she looked good in a dress and was cooking lunch and we were talking while our daughter watched a show and then went outside to play. My wife and I were talking and she again told me that she doesn't want to be with the AP and that they had fought the day before and Friday because the AP wanted to kiss her and things and my wife was telling her no because she wasn't feeling it.

My dumbass fell for it. I hugged her and we kissed. She started flirting with me and was talking about doing dirty things to me and how much she missed me. So we were starting to get intimate and I even asked her...I'm not setting myself up to be hurt again with them am I? She said no I promise I want to be with you. I don't want the AP. That was EASTER April 21st.

Then Monday 4/22 we were texting through the day and she was saying the AP was starting the text war again. I asked her when she was done getting all her stuff from the AP's if we could finally do a NC letter because I think if I see and I know it's been sent this time it will make me feel better. Her reply was "sigh...yes that's fine" I replied saying I'm not asking to see all the texts I'm just really scared. She said she understood but it hasn't even been 24hrs and I'm already using terms from this site. I said really you're scared because I'm using terms from a site? I was just trying to figure out a way to not feel so scared. But we talked through it and I thought we were doing good communicating to each other, which was a problem before. She said the AP was just pleading her case over and over again using her best manipulation tactics. So I said just tell her we had sex. My wife said then she'll get even more worked up and would probably show up. So I said OR she'll be super pissed and leave you alone finally. Monday night the texting with the AP was still going on so my wife sent me a screenshot showing that she finally told the AP about us having sex. Then a little later I get another text that said "I think it's best if I'm just alone because I can't figure me out. I love you and I know that in my soul however I don't know that I can be who you want". I replied with WTF are you serious??

Tues 4/23 she asks me if I still want to date her. And I said that she was the one the night before that said she thought she needed to be alone. She said it was a panic attack because she's just so scared.

Wed 4/24 is when the AP was going back to work and would be out of the apartment so my wife took my truck so she could go pick her stuff up at the AP's place. I asked my wife if the AP had been blowing her up and she said no because the night before she told her that she wouldn't talked to her after that night and she hadn't texted at all that day.

Thurs 4/25 my wife tells me that the AP has contacted her to let her know she dropped my wifes keys off and now she was suggesting to just keep things simple again. (which means hang out and do whatever but don't talk about moving in and serious stuff). I replied with "fuck" because that scares me. My wife replied with I'm not going back and I said it's just scary for me. WW said maybe I should just not give you play by play and just get through it myself. She said she wants to go 30 days without fighting. I said with whom..she said you can't fight with someone you don't talk to so I mean you. I said I want that too. She got out of her morning client at 12:30 and said she was going to try to pick up some deliveries that afternoon. I got an email at 1 saying it's been 30 minutes and nothing has popped up to take. At 230 I ask if she's ok because I hadn't heard from her. I didn't know if she got a delivery or what. And I admit I kind of triggered..Here my wife had been telling me the AP was blowing her phone up begging for her to give her another chance and to keep things simple and then I don't hear from her. Plus on top of that with her doing deliveries it worries me because she's a small woman and I always get worried about something happening but I know she is a grown adult...but I emailed her to find out if she was ok. She finally replied and said she had a sinus headache and had laid down but she was getting up to figure out what to do for dinner. She invited me to dinner after I took our daughter to counseling. I declined and said I wasn't really hungry. She then asked if she had something. I said no I just wasn't hungry but if she wanted I could still come over and just hang out which I did for a bit.

Friday 4/26 We were emailing and I asked her if the AP had still been trying to contact her and I apologized for asking her but she doesn't bring it up unless I ask. She said a little bit but she wasn't saying much back because there's no point and that she'd have to block her eventually. I thanked her for letting me know. Then she asked how I was and wanted to keep the lines of communication open between us. So I said "ok well you say you respect that I'm scared but then why won't you let me read any of the exchanges that are happening now if it's just you telling her it's over? Why haven't you blocked her already? That's the crap that's scaring me. You could be waiting for her to say the right thing in the right way or not pushing her away just in case we end up fighting about something stupid. I'm not pushing I'm just explaining how I feel. You don't want me to walk on eggshells but you're putting me in a position that I feel vulnerable. I'm so scared of being hurt again. God I don't want to push you away or fight with you." Then I sent her another message to tell her I don't want her to think that I haven't seen any positives because I have noticed that she wasn't turning her phone upside down. I noticed that when she picked her phone up she didn't hide it and had actually made a point to show me. I noticed that she was telling me more about what she was doing throughout the day. I noticed she was being more open about how she's feeling. I noticed them and told her how much I appreciated them. And just said I just wanted to make sure that she didn't think I was just seeing bad but I was seeing a lot of good and that I feel good about us so far. She replied by saying she doesn't share the messages because they will just be hurtful and she thinks it will just make things harder between us but she would block her right then and not say another word if it will help ease my fears. And then she said she thinks we need to discuss what dating each other again is going to look like from each of our perspectives. I said yes the details will be hurtful but it's just like all the other info I already know and things I have seen and the truth is better than what is imagined. I also told her yes blocking her would help.

She said ok I blocked her as of right now. And then she said "ok what does dating look like to you? The reason I ask is because you mentioned that you got anxious when I fell asleep yesterday and didn't tell you. We didn't talk for a couple of hours. That scares the crap out of me because while I understand you're scared/nervous I don't want you to start running down the road to see if my car is in it's spot at night again. How are you going to handle me doing deliveries when I don't have time to text for like 4 hours. How can we find a balance? How can you get the reassurance you need without me feeling smothered?" I said I think I've handled you doing your deliveries pretty well so far because you tell me before you start that you're using your phone for deliveries and you won't have time to talk. I said I don't know because if I suggested doing what she had suggested previously about putting the tracker on her phone or passwords to the email and phone acct it's probably going to freak her out. I know she doesn't want to feel micromanaged but I'm not sure what the solution is to allow her not to feel like she's being spied on but also allow me some security and start to build the trust back up. She said she was going to go meet a guy friend of hers at the bar because he lost his job and she'd think about it. She was texting me while she was there. She sent me a pic of the two of them. She texted to check on me and I made sure she knew that her doing that was helping and I thanked her. A little after 5 I get a text from her that said she was going home to sleep the crazy off. I said huh?? She said I'm drunk that's all I meant. I said ok. I didn't hear from her for the rest of the night and hell yeah I triggered for a few reasons..She had JUST blocked the AP and the AP gets off work at 9 at night and I was scared she was going to just show up at WWs apartment to convince her to give her another try. Plus WW has made some really bad decisions while she's reaching out to the AP when she's supposed to be NC before. So I was scared but I fought the urge to go down and check whether she was there because of what she had said earlier that day.

Sat 4/27 WW and I were texting a bit and she asked if I was ok. So I said well last night was a little rough. She said why. I called her and I explained that it was hard on me and why..and she sounded like she was getting pissed..I asked her why she was mad and she said I'm not mad I'm frustrated. I said ok why and she said because I'm doing everything right and I'm still wrong. It seems like you are more upset now than before. I started crying and I said I'm going to trigger I'm going to have moments and it's not a reflection on what you are doing necessarily. She said well I told you I went home and slept and I did but now you're upset. I said I'm upset because I was scared of this this and this..It just wasn't a good conversation and I could feel her shutting down on me which is never a good sign. We were going on a date that night and she had a thing to go to at her clients place. She showed up looking amazing but she was pretty lit. She was a little wobbly and I asked her if she had been drinking and she said yes she had wine with her client and she asked if I was mad about it. I said no I was just asking because you're a little wobbly. So we took our daughter to the thing she was going to and then we went to dinner. I was having a good time and then ww tells me out of the blue that she almost did something stupid. I said ok..she said I went and had a consult about tattoo removal. She was going to get my name removed from her shoulder because the AP had been pushing her to do it. She saw the look on my face and she said but I didn't do it and I won't do it. She then said she was going to get the tattoo on her other shoulder bigger because the two tattoos didn't match in size and looked lopsided. I said well the next tattoo you should be getting is the one that you've been wanting since we got our daughter. She said well that was going to go here..and she pointed to the shoulder that had my name. So yeah it hurt...she had talked about getting the tattoo of my name removed and replaced. So I changed the subject and asked about the plans to get our daughter to her grandmas over Memorial Day because WW said she had to work so I had offered to take our daughter. My WW said it was still being discussed with her client and then she brought up that she had asked her mom to bring her AP down when she took our daughter for her visit. She said her mom told her ok at first and then 2 days later she texted her and told her she didn't want her to bring the AP down there and that her mom was on my team. I said well she should be...any mom would want their daughter to be with someone who loves them and treats them well and has proven that they will do whatever for them. And it all led to a fight. She gets up during dinner and grabs her purse and I said wait are you leaving..she said yes and storms off. I texted her to please come back and she said no why would she come back to a disaster of a date and she had uber and was leaving. I went outside and tried to talk to her and it was useless. When she's drinking and she's upset there is no talking things out. I ended up paying the bill, hunting her down and convincing her to let me drive her all the way back home and then go back out to get our daughter. I cried the entire way home. As soon as I pulled up at her apartment she got out. I shut the car off, I grabbed her left overs, the money she put in my car for dinner and I went in and I took my key to her apartment that I had just gotten back Thursday. She went out to her car and said she couldn't find my keys and would have to give them to me later. I went home and I changed clothes and then I walked back down to her apartment to try to talk to her again. She wouldn't answer the door. I knocked and knocked and knocked and the light in the front went off. So I walked around the back and I saw her open her back door and then shut the blinds and shut the door. I went back around front and knocked on the door again and while I was out front she got in her car in the back and left. It was horrible.

Sun 4/28 I texted her first thing in the morning and I said "why did you pick that fight last night? I don't understand" She didn't reply so I drove down to her apartment and her car was gone and this was around 8. Well I was worried because she had driven off the night before and she was drunk and upset so I tried to call her. She didn't answer but I left a voice mail with me crying saying I was worried about her. I then texted her and said I was worried. She finally called me back and said she was out doing deliveries and she couldn't text. I tried to talk to her and she was totally shut down. I said I don't understand why when she said something that upset me that instead of just saying I'm sorry and helping me you get frustrated and it led to that fight. I didn't start that fight. She just said she doesn't see how we are going to work if we can't even get through one dinner and it's only been a week. I said this is so unfair....the talk went nowhere so I finally let her go. I texted her later to find out if we were going to see her at all that day. She said she didn't know and then 2 hours later she said most likely no because she was at a birthday party and she was drinking. I said thanks for letting me know and then I asked if the AP was there. She said no it's a mutual friend but she didn't come and that she knew that the AP had company coming in. Later that night I texted her and said I just wanted to tell her goodnight before it was too late. She replied with good night I'm sorry things are so fucked up. I said me too.

Then yesterday 4/29 she emails me in the morning to tell me that she hopes I got some sleep. I said I'll try not to bother her that day and she replied with I don't have to. I'm thinking ok this is a good sign she just needed to calm down and we can talk about it and finally have the discussion on what we both need from each other to get through this. Hard to have transparency when the person lives in a different place. I told her I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. She said she didn't either. I asked her what she wanted. She said some stable freaking happiness. I said well I do too. She replied with I just don't see it working between us, it should be this dang hard. I said fuck..what exactly is so hard? Dealing with me having triggers and trying to heal? And Saturday was not my fault but somehow I'm paying the price yet again. I didn't want to fight and I tried to stop it several times. She said she doesn't know why it's so hard and that it's like we're both so busy analyzing every little thing we aren't having any time to enjoy each other. I told her she was being incredibly unfair. I was enjoying my time with her Saturday when she brought up two incredibly painful things to me on our DATE and then got mad at me because it upset me. How is that fair? I wasn't analyzing anything I was just trying to give her a good night out. She said it isn't and that she's explained several times that it was right on top of the conversation we had that morning and she got overwhelmed. Then she asked what I wanted her to do. I told her that I had let that morning go because it was something we were going to have happen when we're trying to work through things. And that I was sorry I upset her that morning but I was trying to communicate with her the way she said she wanted. And that I had a rough night Friday but I was really looking forward to our date Sat. I'm trying to maneuver through things carefully because I don't want to be hurt. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with my feelings and it's hard. A relationship is work and healing something that's been taken apart requires work to put it back together. What I want her to do is be all in in fixing our marriage. She replied with she knows it requires work she's not stupid and she was trying last week. I told her I needed her to be there for me and I want to be there for her. She said you can't be there for me right now. I said why? She said because she can't talk about certain things because it just triggers me and upsets me and she can't have any reaction without it upsetting me. I said I can't win so then she said she this is what I mean I'm being honest and laying out what I'm going through and it's "I can't win". I said I can't win because you want me to tell you when I trigger but then you think I'm saying you're not doing enough. And I asked if she was still talking to AP. She replied with she feels like we are just discussing the same thing again and no she's not talking to or about AP anymore because all it does is cause more drama. I said I understand and I want to try with her please. She said I keep trying to...I asked her to come down later to talk to me face to face. She agreed. Later I told her I'm happy that I get to see her later but I was scared as hell. She said she was sorry she's scared too. I said I'm scared you don't think our marriage is worth it and that scares the shit out of me. She said that's so unfair. I said why do you say that? She said please I've explained over and over I DID fight for our marriage for a year before I left so do not tell me otherwise. I said honey I meant now please don't be defensive I'm just trying to tell you what I'm scared about for tonights talk. She said she wasn't being defensive but rebutting my statement and that she was completely calm just replying.

So she came over and I could just tell things were awkward and I could feel like she had pulled away. I gave our daughter dinner and we went in the back yard.

She sat down and looked at me and I could instantly tell that it wasn't going to be a good conversation. I started tearing up automatically and I said I can tell by the way you're acting right now this isn't good. She said I'm so sorry I don't want to have this talk but I can't keep doing this. She said I don't know why but I can't let go of the AP. I LOST IT...I was ....OMG there were so many feelings going through me at that point...rage, anger, resentment, sadness....just everything you can imagine. She asked do you want to hit me and I said I want to take a gun and blow my own head off. I said you told me you didn't want her that you would never go back to her..and she said I told you what you wanted to hear. She was flinching and my voice just kept going up and up until I was yelling at the top of my lungs. I said I can't believe you did this to me and our family yet again and that she got her wish that I hate her. She had kept telling me previously to just hate me so it would be easier...I told her she got her wish. I told her she was never welcome back at my house and she needed to get the fuck out of here because I never want to see her again. I went in the house and went and locked the front door and then I went back in to the kitchen and she was still sitting in the chair with her head in her hands. I opened the door and said I told you to get the fuck out of here. She said that's great I'm sure our daughter just loves to hear that you hate me. I said she already knows you don't love me. She's asked why does mumma not love you and come home. I deal with those things that YOU caused. I texted her and said go file the divorce papers because you have 2 days off this week so go said you wouldn't until you got money and I gave that to you so go do it...and thanks for telling me what I wanted to hear.She replied with she didn't have the paperwork...yeah she had ripped it up the night of 4/15 when she was "having a knee jerk reaction to losing me". I asked her why she ripped them up if she never wanted this and she said apparently I'm stupid. I said well you can't use copies of notarized papers and she said yes you can. I said ok well then I'll make copies of my stuff and she said no need I made copies. I said well then WTF did you just say you didn't have them...actually never mind it doesn't even matter...then I sent her a copy of the text she had sent me JUST that morning that said "I'm not talking to or about the AP anymore because all it does is cause more drama...what a lie.

I haven't talked to her since last night. I'm so mad..I'm mad at her...I'm mad at the AP that she knows what my ww has done and lied to both of us and she's still going after her..but more than anything I'm mad at myself and I'm so incredibly sad for our daughter. She heard me yell at my WW that I hated her. I felt so incredibly guilty. I was so in the moment with my anger and hurt that I yelled it and even though it was outside she heard me. She has been telling me that it's her fault and I keep reassuring her that it's not her fault and I that we both love her but that we just can't be around each other right now. I hate that my wife has done this to not only myself but our daughter as well. She keeps saying that our daughter doesn't have to be so involved but yet she doesn't realize that our daughter isn't stupid. She sees what is happening which is why she was so excited about us going on a date Saturday.

During my yelling at her I said I DID NOTHING...and she said oh you did nothing..and I replied with no I didn't do a thing...she is still justifying her affair and saying she fought for our marriage a year before she left which is crap. I had even sent her emails to show during that time we were still ok. I didn't realize it was breaking. I even had an email that discussed a fight we got in to that involved the AP because I came home from work and the two of them were in the back yard drunk and my ww decided it was a good time to start talking about our sex life and how I'm not putting out enough for her and that I have a problem having sex when our daughter is awake which is cause issues. Why can't we if the bedroom doors shut and she's watching a tv show in the front room. She also admitted to having sex with the AP in December and she didn't leave until January..She also said that she had been flirting with the AP so much that when the AP finally tried and my ww said she said no that she finally gave in because she felt like she had been teasing her for far too long. So how is that fighting for her marriage. I'm so sick to my stomach... This is too much pain for one person

KingRat posted 4/30/2019 13:25 PM

Weeping Jesus on the cross! With all due respect ms, why are you letting her humiliate you like that? Seriously, how do you come back from that?

My advice would be to try to understand why you want to get back together with her. This is not love. Others treat us how we allow them to treat us. Why do you allow this?

[This message edited by KingRat at 1:41 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

layla1234 posted 4/30/2019 13:35 PM

Divorce. Hard core. She's a mess and will need years to figure her shit out. Get out of infidelity now.

MakingMyFuture posted 4/30/2019 13:39 PM

Get the F out of this relationship. She is sick and her sickness is making you sick. File, go NC with the exception of communications required for visitation. And please, take care of yourself and stop focusing your energy on trying to figure out why she would do these things. She is sick, enough said.

Save your health and sanity before this continues any further.sending you hugs and strength. It will get better the more distance you have.

crazyblindsided posted 4/30/2019 13:51 PM

Agree with the others that she is literally making you sick. She is active in her A. You have to let go of the rope. I'm so sorry I know it's easier said than done, but an active A is a no-go.

nekonamida posted 4/30/2019 13:59 PM


This has been 18 months of hell for you and is proof that the "pick me" dance doesn't work. It's been especially hard on your daughter who has had to witness this mess first hand over and over again.

Don't talk to your STBXWW unless it's about your daughter. Did I read that right that your WW was tipsy after driving with your daughter in the car one of the times you met up with her? So tipsy that she was wobbly? That is endangerment! Please talk to your future lawyer about this.

WileyC posted 4/30/2019 14:19 PM

You are being played like a fiddle and are "pick me" dancing to the beat. Get some self esteem and set a strong example for your daughter by getting off your knees and taking charge of your life. Seriously, stand up.

tushnurse posted 4/30/2019 14:23 PM


This ends when you say it ends.
Stop allowing her to torture you. You have incredibly unhealthy relationship, and probably will never ever be healthy.

Please continue to tap into your anger and finally take some actions, get an attorney and file.

She isn't capable of having a healthy relationship. She has shown you that time and again. This time show her you will no longer allow others to disrespect you.

Dragonfly123 posted 4/30/2019 14:31 PM

STLLOST I have been exactly where you are.

The only advice I can give you is just to give her what she ‘thinks’ she wants.

She has been cake eating. It’s intoxicating being wanted by TWO women, fighting over her, how delicious for her. During the affair she was loving the ego kibbles from both of you, she left, her supply halved, then she got an abundance with a fake return.

I have a horrible feeling that they get a huge buzz off the drama.

Stop the drama she’s feeding off, stop the supply of ego kibbles, give her what she thinks she wants.

Then work on you. Heal you. Look after you. Start to see your worth. Read, IC, seek out support, stop thinking about her and her actions and think about you and your daughter. I know you love her, I know you wanted a different outcome, time will tell if she can sort her head out but by working on you you’ll be in a healthy position to listen or shut the door in her face! .

STLLOST posted 4/30/2019 14:39 PM

Thank you to all of you brave souls that read through that book of information. I didn't mean for it to be that long but I kept adding to it because it was flabbergasting to me writing it down and seeing how fast things change. That's just two freaking weeks of mind numbing ups and downs.

There are so many people that keep asking me why the hell I would keep going back. The only answer I've been able to give them is I love my wife more than I've ever loved anyone else. And our marriage WAS amazing. It's the happiest I've ever been and I seriously felt like she was my soul mate. But this person is not the woman I married. I posted not that long ago about the fog and continually having hope that it would lift and she would snap out of whatever is going on with her. The things she's saying about our marriage is so clouded by her AP and now she believes it. She even said to me she's lied to herself so much she doesn't know what the truth is. I told her I could tell her to go look at pics of us where we're together enjoying ourselves with huge smiles on our face or I could tell her to go look at old posts on Facebook and see all the times she says she's so lucky to have a wife like me and how amazing her life is with me. But I don't want her to think I'm sugar coating things because you don't take pics of bad times or post about the bad times on Facebook. So I said I've got emails between us that have good and they have the bad and I sent you some of them. But I can't tell you what to remember and have it mean something you need to figure that out.

neko no I had my daughter at my house. WW walked from her apartment to my house a block away and I drove all of us out to where we were going. When I had to bring her back home after our fight she did get in her car and drive but our daughter was still where she had been earlier. So she wasn't with us at that point.

Tush you are right our relationship is NOT healthy and as much as I've tried to fix me I can't fix US. I need to quit believing the lies just because I want to believe them so badly. I'm so glad I found this site.

STLLOST posted 4/30/2019 14:44 PM

Dragon...thank you. I was working with an IC and working on myself when my dumbass fell for her telling me she finally saw what a manipulative person the AP was. And her ripping up the divorce papers I thought was a sign.

The sad thing is I was on here and another site yesterday before I met with my ww and was looking at things about how to heal from an affair. I even emailed her an article that I found that had lot of insightful things. And I read in the healing library about the difference between remorse and regret..and I was like damn she isn't remorseful..she regrets things but she's not remorseful because if she was things would be different. I just can't believe the love I felt from her was fake and if it wasn't fake how it changed so drastically.

I value you everyone on here.

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/30/2019 14:48 PM

This is insane! Stop it now!

It's up to you. You have the power to change your life. Your CW is all kinds of messed up. Take care of yourself and forget about her. You need IC asap.

KingRat posted 4/30/2019 14:57 PM

The only answer I've been able to give them is I love my wife more than I've ever loved anyone else.

My advice is to get into therapy to try to understand what this attachment is and why you cannot seem to shake it. Love is state of being that is based on mutual trust and respect. I don't mean to be rude but whatever is driving you to her is not love. You need to understand why you feeling pulled down a dysfunctional and dangerous path.

You cannot "show" anyone how good they have it if they don't want to see. You have to accept that the outcome cannot be controlled. The best you can do is a hard 180. She may "wake up" or she may not. Again, the outcome is out of your control. Whatever, the result is, at least, you will not lose yourself.

Also, you should really consider hiring an attorney. She is never going to file for divorce because she knows you won't. Hire an attorney and initiate divorce proceedings. Do not wait for her. She will swing back and forth until one of you puts her foot down.

I am very sorry you are experiencing this.

Edited to add: You have to also accept that your wife is not a victim of the AP. The AP is not a good person, but with all due respect, your wife is no better than her. Until you accept that, you will continue to make excuses for your wife and she will continue to play you and the AP off each other.

[This message edited by KingRat at 3:09 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

KingRat posted 4/30/2019 15:30 PM

we were texting through the day and she was saying the AP was starting the text war again. I asked her when she was done getting all her stuff from the AP's if we could finally do a NC letter because I think if I see and I know it's been sent this time it will make me feel better. Her reply was "sigh...yes that's fine" I replied saying I'm not asking to see all the texts I'm just really scared. She said she understood but it hasn't even been 24hrs and I'm already using terms from this site. I said really you're scared because I'm using terms from a site? I was just trying to figure out a way to not feel so scared. But we talked through it and I thought we were doing good communicating to each other, which was a problem before. She said the AP was just pleading her case over and over again using her best manipulation tactics. So I said just tell her we had sex. My wife said then she'll get even more worked up and would probably show up. So I said OR she'll be super pissed and leave you alone finally. Monday night the texting with the AP was still going on so my wife sent me a screenshot showing that she finally told the AP about us having sex. Then a little later I get another text that said "I think it's best if I'm just alone because I can't figure me out. I love you and I know that in my soul however I don't know that I can be who you want". I replied with WTF are you serious??

The answer is of course she is not serious. Sincere people do not need to get dragged back into a marriage kicking and screaming. That answer regarding the NC letter is like something my son would say to me when I ask him to clean his room before he goes out.

I would really like you to reread this and absorb it. If you still believe in her sincerity after absorbing the words, then you really need to ask yourself if you are serious about getting out of this mess.

The irony of it all is that your wife is accusing her AP of being a master manipulator when she is putting on a hell of a performance herself. Can you imagine what she is saying to her AP about you? DO NOT ACCEPT THIS. Please.

[This message edited by KingRat at 3:34 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

Buster123 posted 4/30/2019 15:38 PM

Gently you've being doing pretty much everything wrong, what you've described is one of the worst "pick me" dance stories I've read here and other websites (I've read a lot of them), if there's anything to learn from the hell you're going through is that the Pick Me dance NEVER works and CHEATERS LIE a lot. She's been always in the driver's seat and in full control of you and your emotions, take that control away from her, don't tell her or wait on her to file for D, DO IT YOURSELF, even if you have to pay for it, just have her served without warning, you can't R with someone in an active A, get out of infidelity now and don't look back, you deserve much better and so does your daughter.

crazyblindsided posted 4/30/2019 16:25 PM

STLLOST you are still holding on to hope. Start detaching like seriously detaching and you will start to see her true colors while you grieve the M.

I no longer recognize the M I had before D-Day all I see is who is in front of me. I can see if he is working on it or not working on it. Being a Narc or not being a Narc, but I don't get emotionally tied up anymore.

Start to detach for your sanity. Go NC as best as you can and implement the 180.

The1stWife posted 4/30/2019 16:32 PM

You are never to talk to her again except about $ and daughter.

You are going to have to re-start your healing but I know you can do it.

Stop allowing the Psycho Drama Queen to be involved in your life. Read up on the hard 180. Then do it.

Stop allowing a lying cheating disrespectful idiot to manipulate you. Read up on the 180. Then do it.

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/30/2019 16:43 PM

The irony of it all is that your wife is accusing her AP of being a master manipulator when she is putting on a hell of a performance herself

I thought the exact same thing. Your CW is a master manipulator and you are falling for it every time.

What 1stwife said. Go NC with your CW except for $ and child. File for D yourself.

psychmom posted 4/30/2019 17:05 PM

She doesnt deserve you, STLLOST. You have a big, kind heart and she is shredding it without any remorse for how it hurts you. The words drama queen are accurate. Your wife is an unhealthy, selfish person.

Please take the advise given. We talk about bitch boots around here at times....putting yourself first, demanding that we be treated with respect and the gratitude we deserve for even allowing them a chance to recover from their epic fail. I am so angry for you, knowing how she is treating you.

It hurts to let go. It's scary. But it's the only real chance you have to get yourself out of infidelity.

ChamomileTea posted 4/30/2019 17:39 PM

She sure seems to be drunk a lot. Is your child always with you or a safe guardian when she drinks? If not, that's something you should see to. One wonders if her life would be so screwed up if she were sober more often.

I posted not that long ago about the fog and continually having hope that it would lift and she would snap out of whatever is going on with her. The things she's saying about our marriage is so clouded by her AP and now she believes it.

I think you're hoping there's some kind of mystical "fog" she's going to wake up from and that if you could just get her away from the AP, her mind would get right. And while there is some validity to the idea that people can become caught up in their fantasies, I just don't think that's what's going on here. She IS making choices. Stupid ones. Selfish ones. Impulsive ones. But choices nonetheless. And even if there were some kind of "magic fog", do you really want someone in your life who can't think for herself, but rather is mesmerized in some kind of Svengali-like hold by the flavor of the week?

You two have a child, and someone has to be the actual adult in her life. Clearly, as demonstrated, that's not going to be your WW. I think that's where I would put my focus.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 5:40 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

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