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Sad1015 posted 4/29/2019 11:49 AM

So, my WH and I have been separated for 4 months. DD, 24, has struggled tremendously with her father's affair. She lives out of state but was home to visit this past week. Before she left, she went to OW office and posted a sign on OW office door basically saying she sleeps with married men and put my WH name at the bottom.

So about an hour ago all hell broke loose. AP contacted WH hysterical. WH is furious with darling daughter. DD not taking anyone's calls.

I am angry that WH feels sympathy for AP but does not seem to have compassion that DD is crying in pain.

I know this is a consequence of their actions(WH A D AP) but never wanted my kids to hurt so much-. Why am I so nervous/fearful? My anxiety kicking in.

Any thoughts?

NeverHealed posted 4/29/2019 11:58 AM

Send DD a thank you gift.

Adaira posted 4/29/2019 12:01 PM

Sounds like you’ve raised a bit of a badass, mama. Take comfort in that.

Chaos posted 4/29/2019 12:02 PM

Lots of thoughts - and my first one is to buy your Adult DD a drink! A big poofy one with an elaborate container, flowers and umbrellas and hail her a Bad A** Hero while the whole bar raises a glass in her Honor and sings along to a song of her choice.

My 2nd thought is your WH is a flaming horse's patoot with his priorities so far up his a** he can smell the stink.

Your Adult DD is my hero.

As for WH/AP - Too damn bad. You play - you pay. And the piper came a calling.

stubbornft posted 4/29/2019 12:06 PM

Can someone go physically check on DD? Just make sure she is safe but respect her space?

I am sorry this is causing you anxiety and I can understand why. Actions have consequences. Your husband needs to be very careful how he approaches DD about this. And he needs to be understanding that HE caused her this pain.

I am sorry your DD is hurting.

SadieMae posted 4/29/2019 12:07 PM

I am also a betrayed child. My father left a 25 year marriage to marry his ow.

Years ago I met some of his fOW's family, namely her sister in law. I was young and the wife was flowing and she asked me about my dad and his wife (fOW). I spilled details. I felt guilty about that for a long time until just a few years ago (after becoming a BW), that I had a right to spill those details. It was my story, too.

So your WH may not like it, but thanks to him, this is her story and she can and will do as she will and he cannot control her. Just as she couldn't control her father from destroying her family.

(((DD)))

WasSheWorthIt posted 4/29/2019 12:09 PM

Hello Sad.
You're daughter did what she needed to do to get some of her frustration and emotions out. Good for her. Hopefully she feels a bit better for doing it. She could have did a lot worse. We would all like to protect our kids from the pain that they are going through but we never caused it and have no control over how they feel.
So AP and WH are a wee bit upset that their bubble has been dented. TOUGH. Like you said that's consequences. They will just need to suck it up like you and the kids have had to do. Give your girl the time and space she needs. She will answer your call when she's ready.
Ps. When you talk to her tell her she's AWESOME.

[This message edited by WasSheWorthIt at 12:17 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

ChamomileTea posted 4/29/2019 12:12 PM

I don't think I would discuss it with him, tbh. Your better bet is to continue working your 180. But if you do get cornered, maybe say something to the effect of, "Your AP hurt our daughter. You hurt our daughter. This wasn't just a betrayal of me, it was a betrayal of our entire family, and our daughter is facing the painful realization that her father is not the honorable man she believed he was. If you can't repair the damage you have caused, the least you could do is to not cause more."

Like I said though, it's better not to engage the drama. Affairs thrive on triangulation, and your DD has unwittingly stepped in as a hypotenuse. If you feel like you have to respond though... calm, to the point, then disengage as quickly as possible.

hansvoleman posted 4/29/2019 12:20 PM

The anxiety is natural. I think it's a biprodcut of the heightened emotional state you fall into. ,

It may seem like an act of provocation on your daughter's part. In reality your DD is repsonding to her world view being turned upside down. Why should your DD be stoic and pretend she isn't hurting. I don't think being 24 makes you hurt less when things happen to your parents

I am not surprised at your anger at your husband's lack of empathy and his sheer arrogance. How did he think his kids would respond? Give him a big hug and tell him he did a good job.

Frankly if something as trivial as that gets the OW hysterical then point out to WH that DD is 24, an adult and is capable of much more. And then all DD has to do is nothing ever again. WH and OW will do the rest themselves.

rugswept posted 4/29/2019 13:10 PM

you did a good job raising your daughter.
she has high morals and principles and lives them.

your worthless WH should reflect on what DD has done. it should tell him just how egregious a thing he has done. he's garbage and you're very fortunate having such a fine young woman for a daughter.

we're with her, not with WH.

crazyblindsided posted 4/29/2019 13:32 PM

Of course the miserable WS and AP are both crying about it... Losers

Your daughter is a badass kudos to her. She shouldn't feel bad or one iota of guilt.

layla1234 posted 4/29/2019 14:07 PM

I am a child of betrayal too. Ever since this all happened with my WH, I'm super tempted to tell my dad's OW off. My dad supposedly had an EA only with a much younger coworker at the time. I was 8. Then, in 2011 right before I was about to get married my mom discovered he was planning on leaving for the same woman. I never looked at my father the same again and never really dealt with that(neither did my parents). I wonder if that's why I'm having such a hard time now.

josiep posted 4/29/2019 14:33 PM

Send her flowers (or chocolate) and sign it with words to the effect that you are sorry for her pain but you are SO PrOUD of the honest and moral woman she has become.
And then sign it sort of:

Mama of a BadAss and proud of it

Sad1015 posted 4/29/2019 14:51 PM

Thank you all for your positive thoughts. She is a badass and I am more than proud of her. Honestly, she is the only one who has guts to stand up and not eat this shit sandwich. I only wish she was not in so much pain. But I am here for her. She is home and well.

I have not heard from WH but it is his night with youngest DS.
I’m answering the door with a big smile and a glass of wine 🍷

I’m so glad I have SI. You get it. Because no one can make this shit up.

stubbornft posted 4/29/2019 14:59 PM

It says a lot about you and your daughter that she is so hurt for you and you for her. HUGS to you both, y'all are BOTH badasses.

swmnbc posted 4/29/2019 15:29 PM

Honestly, she is the only one who has guts to stand up and not eat this shit sandwich.

She's not the *only* one. She learned it from you!

I hope your daughter is OK. Big hugs to her and you.

MamaDragon posted 4/29/2019 15:39 PM

*Hat tip to your DD!

She is awesome and a total badass.

I'd take her out for a SPA day at his expense.

cancuncrushed posted 4/29/2019 16:05 PM

I agree with Sadie Mae.....when you destroy a family,,,when you hurt so many people....you don't get to control them afterward...people will do what they need to heal...

Im glad the daughter did that...I wanted so badly for anyone...to get it...to understand the depth...to see the level of destruction....to do something....at least she did...

I hate how most family members don't stand up....I hate that the cheaters always stick up for and protect the AP.....its another low blow to BS....this could end the relationship between father and daughter, if he gets angry with her...

How is telling the truth, worse then the actual cheating? What he did was way worse.

My children are very upset and shocked with their STXWH (dad)...yet nobody has mentioned a thing to him...they tell me they will stay in contact and relationship with STXWH, no matter what....Its the elephant in the room...Im surprised by all of them. I would think ending a 36 year marriage would bring up a conversation...WH left me, abandoned me, without a word.... similarities? I would say so...Ostriches -- all of them...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:12 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

survrus posted 4/29/2019 16:40 PM

Good tell OW she is lucky that's all that happened.

Destroy the most valuable thing in a persons life expect to get your crime exposed.

Encourage your DD to expose EVERYWHERE without warning or threats, paint her car with a warning.

seekers posted 4/29/2019 17:30 PM

Your daughter is plucky,I hope she is aware of her bad assery. Just brilliant I say!