SurvivingInfidelity.com® > New Beginnings

TheBard posted 4/25/2019 13:17 PM

For the first time since my divorce (20 months ago) I will be bringing a date to an event for my DS.

I am 100% certain XWW will be there. The last time I did this, I had a couple of friends with me. She left her BF's side and zig zagged her way through the crowd to get to me. She started talking directly at me and I completely ignored her. There was an awkward pause as I think she was waiting for me to introduce her to my friends, which did not happen.

How should I handle if she does the same thing with my date. Do I grey rock, do I ignore, do I just go with it. I do not want to break NC, but she is toxic enough to go right up and introduce herself as the XW. (I have instructed my date to respond with "Hi, I am the girl he is f'ing")....but seriously. Any advice on how to handle?

Catwoman posted 4/25/2019 13:26 PM

I'm not sure I would want to open that particular can of worms, frankly.

It's an event for your son--does your GF need to be there?

I've always been one to take a backseat with such things and let my SO and his kid(s) enjoy whatever. I was invited to his daughter's college graduation. I knew his ex-wife would be there (never met her, nothing against her) but also his daughter's maternal grandmother, who was not well. I decided that I didn't need to be included in that day and let the focus be on the grandmother and the graduate. I don't regret any of those decisions of this nature. My SO and I have plenty of things to do together.

Cat

TheBard posted 4/25/2019 13:51 PM

Catwoman- I appreciate the advice, but this is happening. It's time. I'm looking for input on how to handle the situation not avoid it.

JanaGreen posted 4/25/2019 14:07 PM

Maybe I'm just dense - but is there a reason being civil but not overly friendly wouldn't work? It's for your son so I'd do whatever needs to happen to minimize drama.

Catwoman posted 4/25/2019 14:16 PM

I just question why this introduction, which you are concerned about blowing up, needs to happen at an event for your child.

I remember my ex introduced the OW to our daughter prior to her first HS father-daughter dance. Insensitive much? She was very upset.

If you're wanting to be the adult in the situation, I wouldn't take the GF to a kids' event where it is likely or possible that your ex would create a scene or make others uncomfortable.

Cat

EvenKeel posted 4/25/2019 14:44 PM

I do not want to break NC, but she is toxic enough to go right up and introduce herself as the XW

I do not feel being cordial in such a setting is breaking NC. You have children and there will be events over your lifetime that might put you both (and SOs) in the same place. It is in your children's best interest for you to act in a way that becomes you.

I have a VERY minimalist relationship with my ex (think less that 5 texts in 10 years). However, he will make sure he goes out of his way to approach me when we are at a kid-mutual event. If he speaks, I answer. Nothing more. I don't make small-talk or fake some friendship that is not there, but I am not rude.

Think of this as a business relationship now and speak to her as you would an associate and then excuse yourself.

As for your GF, I recommend the same. I your ex comes up and says "Hi, I am Bardless". All your GF has to say is "Nice to meet you" and excuse herself.

You are setting a precedent for all future events so keep that in mind with anything you say/do.

I am like Catwoman though. We are coming up on ten years divorced and I am just now taking my SO to events where my ex might be. I wanted to wait until my children were older (17 and 22 now) before I meshed those worlds because my ex is.....well, you know - you have one too.

When is this event? Will it be in a public place or in someone's home? Thinking of scenarios as an excuse to get away from her ahead of time might be helpful.

nothisfriend posted 4/25/2019 14:57 PM

If your ex comes up and says "Hi, I am Bardless". All your GF has to say is "Nice to meet you" and excuse herself.

I think I'm with this however I would both excuse yourselves and move away from X. Grey rock as much as possible.

EvenKeel posted 4/25/2019 15:03 PM

If your ex comes up and says "Hi, I am Bardless". All your GF has to say is "Nice to meet you" and excuse herself.

I think I'm with this however I would both excuse yourselves and move away from X. Grey rock as much as possible.

Absolutely. I meant if his ex managed to get his GF alone for that conversation (i.e. in the bathroom, etc).

RockstarDad posted 4/25/2019 15:51 PM

Also interested in the advice given. My day will come too.

I haven't given it much thought. I would make sure you and your SO are on the same page with what she is comfortable with, obviously.

My first intinct would be to look at her like she is an idiot and say nothing, not one word. Probably be pretty uncomfortable for a minute, but your ex should get the hint. Hopefully it would be awkward enough she wouldn't do it again. Maybe make it a bet with your SO on how long she stays so it becomes a inside joke/game between you and your SO.

barcher144 posted 4/25/2019 16:04 PM

Any advice on how to handle?

My advice to you is to make sure that you handle it as much as possible. That is, try to make sure that DS is not involved at all and that your GF is involved as little as possible.

She started talking directly at me and I completely ignored her. There was an awkward pause as I think she was waiting for me to introduce her to my friends, which did not happen.

Yep, go the gray rock route.

I have instructed my date to respond with "Hi, I am the girl he is f'ing"

I think this is a joke, but I would recommend something that is polite and has little meaning. More like, "Hi, I'd rather not speak to you."

If XWW inserts herself aggressively, do not be afraid to cut in and flat out tell her that you and your GF would prefer to avoid her company and to please leave you alone.

As stupid as this sounds... try to be polite/cordial at all times.

Marz posted 4/25/2019 16:04 PM

If it were me it would be a civil "hello" at most then disengage.

I'm not one to fake being around someone I don't care for.

They all do this for the most part at least upfront.

It's worth the couple of awkward moments to get the long term gain.

She'll either take the hint or let her deal with the awkwardness.

When someone craps on me I don't go back for seconds.

Phoenix1 posted 4/25/2019 16:41 PM

I'm kinda with Marz on this one. The least amount of cordial/civil interaction and move on. Remember, you want to set a good example for your DS as well, should he be in proximity when it goes down. Grace under fire.

I've been able to successfully avoid this for over five years, but I'm sure it will happen eventually. When it does, if Xhole is ballsy enough to come near us, I plan to do a very stilted, but still civil, "SO, this is my ex-husband, Xhole. Xhole, this is SO (first name only). Now, if you will excuse us..." and walk away. I won't stand around long enough for an awkward pause because we will be walking away. *shrug*

And honestly, this is very likely exactly how my kids would expect it to play out.

StillLivin posted 4/25/2019 17:44 PM

Phoenix1 beat me to the punch. Word for word what she said. Remember it's not about you, but about your DS that day.

HalfTime2017 posted 4/25/2019 17:45 PM

I'd go about your business as if they (exWW and her BF) were never there. If your exWW approaches, its good to keep it classy and short. Other parents will be there as well.

Just a quick, Hi and please excuse us is plenty. In the event your DS is present, no need to make his life difficult or awkward either. Just excuse yourself and be on your way.

The Waywards always want to play house, its an image thing for them. They won't like being ignored but thats not your problem. You just need to keep it cool for DS.

Marz posted 4/25/2019 23:39 PM

The Waywards always want to play house, its an image thing for them. They won't like being ignored but thats not your problem.

Yep, she's not worth making a scene over.

The only way to play her game is not to play.

If you ignore them long enough they'll either go away or fade into nothing

BobPar posted 4/26/2019 12:10 PM

"SO, this is ... Xhole. Xhole, this is SO (first name only). Now, if you will excuse us..."

I keep a mental checklist of scripts like this for use when needed. Thanks