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Not wanting to hear his name again

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Oldwounds posted 4/16/2019 12:06 PM

But that more importantly she wants to make the choice to "turn her back on him and thoughts of him." That may not be the ultimate goal of indifference but it's a good start to make that effort.

She does need to make that choice on her own -- no one wants the ghost of AP haunting a relationship.

My wife kept her A secret for years and years before confessing. The only upside to that is she did make the choice to tell him no, to end it, and to get 'over' any feelings she had or thought she had. Without counseling or any telling anyone else, she said it took her about two years to be done with any feelings about or for him. It didn't help AP called a few times to make sure she was done.

The one thing she didn't know when she confessed is that AP never kept the secret, had thrown her under the bus years before. It cost her a promotion at the company they worked at.

So, in our case, she had to get over anger at AP first, then get back to indifference.

After counseling, my wife realized her feelings were invested in the escape, in the fantasy of it all and not really AP at all.

It all takes time and none of it's fun.

But don't bottle up the seemingly endless questions. Set a time aside where you both can talk about what each of you need to say.

Infidelity is more than trauma, it literally shifts your reality of what you thought your life was. That's why the questions, sometime the same exact questions, keep popping up over and over again as you try to reset what really happened while trying to see what you NEED to happen now.

NotTheManIwas posted 4/16/2019 15:43 PM

Infidelity is more than trauma, it literally shifts your reality of what you thought your life was.

Buster123 posted 4/17/2019 00:24 AM

So she drew the analogy to addiction and said that when I'm bringing him up, it's like giving an alcoholic a drink.

So if she was alone with him in a room there's a chance she would have sex with him ? I would ask her that question, cause an alcoholic sitting in a bar would most likely relapse. She's clearly pining for him and despite her newly discovered "honesty" (how nice of her) I would not for a second tolerate it and just tell her to go somewhere else to pine for OM and if she refuses I would have her served D papers the very next day. Like someone else said if she could fuck him she should not have any problems hearing his name, but again I respect your decision but I would be gone at this point, btw have you EXPOSE her A with all family and close friends?, has she apologized to your parents and family for her huge betrayal ? I agree that indifference about AP should be the goal but hating the A itself is paramount and full exposure typically helps with that, if you haven't exposed the A it's not too late, she should feel the embarrassment, shame and remember the A as the one thing that destroyed her reputation and integrity, not as something beautiful and romantic.

sisoon posted 4/17/2019 12:32 PM

By the end of the first year, I didn't ask many questions except on long car trips. After a few years of this, my W told me she felt terrible shame, guilt, self-hate, etc. when I asked my questions.

I started prefacing my questions with something like, 'The info is so traumatic for me that I have to go over it a lot in order to be sure I'm not making things up about the A. I just want to confirm my memory of the A. I do not mean to shame you or evoke guilt.' She said that helped.

For the first year or 2, that statement wouldn't have been true. I wanted answers so I could build an accurate narrative of my life. I wanted answers no matter how she felt - no answers, no R.

I don't know if that will help you and your W, but letting your W know why you want to ask your questions may get you better answers.

*****

Your W asked for something that she shouldn't have.

WSes, like BSes, have to find their own paths to healing. Sometimes they make mistakes. What matters is how the WS recovers. IMO, accepting responsibility and changing (withdrawing the request in this case) is positive for R.

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