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Baggage or Red Flags?

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CanRelate posted 4/11/2019 19:10 PM

Hi all. Itís been a while since Iíve posted. Iíve been struggling trying to figure out my current relationship. I feel like Iím back with my ex husband. Iím not sure though if itís because of my past or because I should run. Itís hard bouncing this off friends and family because they havenít dealt with lies and infidelity to the extent I haveóand many of you have experienced. So please, opinions welcome!

I started dating D in March 2017. We hit it off and after 3 months I asked him to attend a friendís wedding with me as my date. He said he couldnít because he had to work. Two weeks later I caught him in a lieóhe didnít have to work the night of the wedding. I confronted him and he said he didnít tell me because he was afraid to meet so many of my friends. I told him that lie was a deal breaker for me and broke up with him.

I signed up for match OLD in July of 2018. He was on there and approached me. He seemed very sad, apologetic and seemed remorseful. We started dating again. Fast forward to now. I looked him up on one of those background check websites. The preliminary search said he had a court record. I asked him about it and he said he filed for bankruptcy when he was younger. After more questions, he admitted it was 3 years ago. I was pretty surprised and angry he didnít tell me sooner. He said that it was Ďin the pastí. I told him I thought we should go our separate ways.

Baggage or red flags?

WhoTheBleep posted 4/11/2019 19:32 PM

Well...technically he WAS younger 3 years ago...

But I get it. The lying. I would proceed very cautiously if you keep dating him. The lie about the wedding:. The reason is understandable. At 3 months, things are still new. It was the LIE that was the deal-breaker.

The decision is yours. Be very cautious.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/11/2019 19:33 PM

In answer, not so much baggage...but anything that makes your gut tickle is a red flag. Or at least a yellow one.

Furious1 posted 4/11/2019 19:52 PM

His repeated penchant for dishonesty is a massive red flag. Baggage or not, he is showing you his true character with his lies. Run.

Phoenix1 posted 4/11/2019 19:59 PM

I'm kinda with F1. A pattern is emerging. Lying appears to be very easy for him and his default defense mechanism. I could not deal with that, personally.

staystrong101 posted 4/11/2019 20:15 PM

Iíd run. Heís a liar. Whatís wrong with him that he didnít want to meet your friends? And if heís that shy/nervous that he canít go to an event with you after 3 months dating, he couldíve been honest about it. He lied about his bankruptcy. I get he was embarrassed. But what else has he lied about? There are so many men out there. I hope you donít feel like you need to settle for someone like this. Be safe and take care of you.

Phantasmagoria posted 4/11/2019 20:17 PM

Telling lies is a choice, not baggage. He chooses to lie to you. You can do much better!

twicefooled posted 4/11/2019 20:32 PM

I smell his pants burning from here.

You are worth so much more than a liar. I've been single the better part of 5 yrs now. I get lonely sometimes but I don't have to live and wonder if someone is lying to me.

Sorry he's a liar. You don't need that in your life.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/11/2019 21:08 PM

I get lonely sometimes but I don't have to live and wonder if someone is lying to me.

^^^This!!! So much this!!! Freedom from lies is priceless!!!

CanRelate posted 4/11/2019 23:02 PM

I really appreciate all the feedback! Thank you all for helping me feel more sane. I was feeling like I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. To complicate things more, this evening he sent flowers with a card stating "I know I said I'll step back so you can think". He never said that. It triggered me. I felt manipulated. I told him the other night I was over it and I felt like his card was trying to minimize his actions.

It is hard. I agree though, I'd rather be lonely than deal with a liar.

Superesse posted 4/11/2019 23:34 PM

Clearly this wasn't his first rodeo.

BrokenheartedUK posted 4/12/2019 06:48 AM

It sounds like he, at the very least, has a problem articulating his emotions. That's not a great starter for ten. The flowers are a way for him to try and keep the door open. But if he really wanted to keep the door open letting you know that he understands that you require honesty and respect.

I understand exactly how hard it is to find someone you really like. But there are a lot of red flags here. Next!

WhoTheBleep posted 4/12/2019 07:10 AM

"I know I said I'll step back so you can think". He never said that. It triggered me. I felt manipulated.

No, he TRIED to manipulate you. You didn't take the bait. Thanks, infidelity!! Some of the "gifts it keeps on giving" actually serve us well in our NB's.

EvenKeel posted 4/12/2019 08:32 AM

You are posting because your spidey senses are tingling - listen to them!

He showed you with the wedding lie that he would rather lie than be honest. Saying "hey, we have only been dating a few months and I am not just ready for something like that" would not have been a big deal. SOOOO - if his go-to approach is to lie about any little thing he is uncomfortable with, what happens when real life relationship problems hit? You will not be able to feel secure with him.

My bet is these are not the only two things he has already lied about. They are just the things you stumbled upon.

Those flowers would trigger me too. He is trying to do some gesture to cover over his BS he gave you.

Run gurl run!

LilBlackCat posted 4/12/2019 11:55 AM

I think it's a red flag, habitual liar..

I will mention my bk and related stuff when cornered for info. And women, be quick to seek out info.. Lol! (I choose to not disclose openly many things till I feel comfortable with that person) Which is natural, they want to know who you are..

I believe when you disclose something that is obviously not flattering, you lay it out in it's full glory.. Not downplay or lie about it.

Furious1 posted 4/12/2019 20:55 PM

"I know I said I'll step back so you can think". He never said that. It triggered me. I felt manipulated.

You nailed it. He was trying to manipulate you into reacting and arguing with him about what he said or didn't say. Being lonely is much better than a life of his mind games. Sick and twisted. I'd throw that one back.


CanRelate posted 4/13/2019 23:16 PM

I really really appreciate the feedback. You guys kept me strong. I needed the validation. This experience showed me that although I've learned from my past I need to keep growing. I keep wanting to break out and move forward--shrug off the past and the scars of infidelity. However, patience is key and healing unfortunately happens on it's own timeline. Work in progress.

Last night I called him after receiving the flowers earlier in the week. He was upset that I would "Compare him to my low-life ex" and that he would "Never, never be that man"--all the while he never said sorry or was able to give me an answer as to if he would have ever informed me of the bankruptcy. Slippery. So, I told him "I'm a simple person. I don't tolerate lying. You lied. It is what it is." He hung up the phone on me. Texted me 20 minutes later, "When can I get my stuff?". True colors I tell you.

He's coming to get his stuff tomorrow afternoon. I'm glad to be done with this, looking forward to regrouping.

StillLivin posted 4/14/2019 00:09 AM

Red flags. Definitely red flags. Those were lies about stuff that wasn't even major. If he can't tell the truth about the small stuff, how the hell is he going to tell the truth when major issues come up? I couldn't even imagine being tempted to lie about something so minor. If I didn't want to go because I didn't feel ready to be in a relationship becoming serious enough to meet friends and family, I would just say so. Not even a big deal. He sounds super conflict avoidant.

bookworm19 posted 4/14/2019 04:32 AM

I'm sorry he turned out to be a liar, but hey, you have a confirmation, your gut feeling is working and is very accurate. Think of this situation as a test run. And my clairvoyant alter ego is sending you a message: you will meet a great person, you will prosper

You really will be OK

MakingMyFuture posted 4/14/2019 05:34 AM

As a previous poster said, this really is the gift that keeps on giving. We normally think of that in a negative way, but there are so many positive gifts:

* You know you can trust your gut
* You are no longer easy to manipulate
* You know exactly what is acceptable and unacceptable to you and will not settle for less than you deserve
* You are strong enough to walk away
* You are not willing to invest years of your life with someone you canít trust

Are we you have been betrayed and gaslighted sensitive? YES. Because we know our ďgutĒ is not based on just emotion, it is emotion that is based on picking up small details that would get lost or ignored by most people. And you know your worth. Kind of a super power IMHO.

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