Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

I feel so stupid for posting this, but here we go..

Dontworrybehappy posted 3/19/2019 15:04 PM

So embarrassing to be here and to type this. I am such a fool for even putting two seconds of thought into this **** anymore...
so why do I come here and type and why do I linger so desperately for your feedback? I am just a lost soul and need to find my way back to the real world.

I was hurt so much it engraved in me so deeply. My husband kissed our mutual friend twice.. See the first kiss was because she was getting back at her husband who hurt her.
Then my husband approached her a few months after and asked to kiss her for multiple reasons. Both times drunk (no excuse) after a few years I let it go, well sorta.
we would go to more mutual friends events knowing they were there, and even got to the point of Inviting them over for bbqs at our house.
I honestly chalked the incident up to ok think of this as you were all 25 drank to much married to young and no respect of boundaries live and learn.
So about 4 years maybe 3 it was new year 2016 we went to a mutual friends and I was the DD my husband drank his face off. The ball drops and we kiss and then he kissed the next friend and the next and the next boys and girls. It was All the couples and no singles itís not like that.
But I think she was also in that line. Now I know that context is everything. So he obviously was happy with his long term friends and showing love and thanks and well drunkness. And I get that, so why am I acting like he cheated again with her?
Can someone maybe help me process this to help me bury it. Logically I know it wasnít like that it wasnít just her and they snuck off it was a crowd and everyone. And yes I have posted before.
But that was pre meds and start up. I am a little more stable thank gawd. But I do think this was my major trigger and what brought me here again after all those years.
Is what he did pecking everyone cheating and is it cheating cause she was one?

AbandonedGuy posted 3/19/2019 15:13 PM

Cheating is entirely subjective. Cheating is really just a disregard for your spouse's boundaries. To some, that's looking at porn. To others, that's having an orgy on a Tuesday without first notifying your partner. Everything in between is fair game if the spouse wants it to be.

Are these kisses sexual, or more like the "European hello" style? Is this deep kissing? I'm only asking because for me, someone who knows very little and is just spitballing based on what I've come across in life, if it's sexual in nature, it sounds like your husband has some emergent sexual proclivities when alcohol is involved. If not, then it's still odd behavior for him to compartmentalize into drunkenness. I'd recommend digging into that a bit.

Either way, if you're not okay with it, there's a problem. If you've clearly outlined your view of his behavior and set your boundaries in stone, and he's still disregarding them, then you can definitely consider this to be cheating behavior. Most people think like you and don't want to share their spouse's body with other people. That includes kissing. You're absolutely right to be bothered by this. You need to discuss his behavior with him and not let him off the hook. I don't know how you two have covered this in the past, but if you didn't put your foot down hard enough, maybe he didn't take you seriously. And if you did, then he's being careless and destructive and needs to change.

WorstClubEver posted 3/19/2019 15:24 PM

Can someone maybe help me process this to help me bury it.

Processing and burying are not the same thing. They are opposites.

If I remember your story correctly, you were inappropriate with a male friend as well...

You and your H need MC, and probably IC for both of you. You have both crossed lines and hurt each other. The M has been violated. It has to be seriously addressed, by both of you, working on yourselves and working together, or the M will continue to deteriorate.

totallydumb posted 3/19/2019 16:15 PM

If this "kiss" is not acceptable behavior to you, communicate this to your H.

Make this a boundary if you wish. However with boundaries comes consequences, and consequences must be enforced for them to be effective.

Your choice, if it is unacceptable behavior to you, do something about it. If not, accept it and work on you.

Hopeful30 posted 3/19/2019 16:48 PM

Did you and your WH have an agreement about this OW and boundaries?

You may want to check out Alanon as the definition of an alcoholic is when their drinking causes problems, and it appears that he has no boundaries when he drinks.

Remove this OW from your sphere of social contact.

The1stWife posted 3/19/2019 17:20 PM

It is not the 💋 kiss that is the problem or the issue.

Itís about respect. Him respecting you. Respecting your marriage. Respecting boundaries.

The drinking plays a HUGE role in this too. It provides a lack of boundaries in his interactions.

For the future he cannot get drunk. Period. You need to be aware of who is attending your social events and if the AP is there - you may be wise to avoid the party. And lastly he needs to stop kissing everyone. Drop it to a hug - donít need to kiss.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:20 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Dontworrybehappy posted 3/19/2019 21:25 PM

Thank you all for great advice. Are some people just clueless to boundaries that we have to explain them? You would think that he would get it. Sucks... I love him and he had been faithful and so much more loving. This literally was are only hiccup.

pureheartkit posted 3/19/2019 23:05 PM

My WS had drunk theater girls hugging and kissing him. He said that's theater people.

I said that's not ok to have drunken women all over you. I wonder why they thought it was ok.

You have to draw the line. Yeeeesh, why do we even hafta?!!!

And I agree, if he can't not be kissy when he drinks, he needs to enjoy responsibly at home.

Dontworrybehappy posted 3/20/2019 11:12 AM

Thefirstwife nailed it. I think that I am more hurt by respect than the peck. I donít think a peck is cheating and I think that he was just going in line with everyone. It wasnít just me and her. So I donít think he was being melevalant.. I think thatís how you spell that. But I am the fool for even pushing or agreeing to be around them. I should have cut her out years ago. I honestly just was being civil cause of the group of friends. But as I have grown I know that you donít have to do that. You can still be civil still forgive and cut them out of your life.
I donít think that what happened years ago was anything other than stupidity. Still cheating, but nothing to sever to call a marriage and family to be over. I just wanted your opinions on of you spouse was in my situation and something like this happened 8 years after the first incident. Would you forgive? I mean is this something I just have a conversation about stating no more you need boundaries: and no more hanging out with them. We are done!

Dispirited posted 3/21/2019 21:53 PM

Perhaps I'm a dinosaur of seems that "enough" people seem to think that kissing, embracing, etc. is not egregious enough to make a person wonder. As a male, I never disrespected my spouse or SO by putting myself in situations such as these. I am not a tea toler either, but "somehow", I guess my morals superseded any buzz....and I certainly was in many situations where I could have crossed the line.

I really don't know what the answer is... Since I am loyal, I expect the same from my partner. I do not own anyone, yet when commitment is there there are certain expectations. All I know is this..."if" I found out that my spouse or SO crossed a boundary, then I guarantee you that my trust would be seriously affected and I could not just chalk it up to some random experience nor accept the fact that alcohol was the precursor for his/her action.

Everyone makes mistakes, but there are those I do not simply minimize or entertain excuses when boundaries are crossed.Individual of course, but I'm a person that clearly understands betrayal and now any red flags will not be tolerated at all. Why? Because now I care about myself more than in the past where even with no naivete, I still was "too" nice. And no....I don't fit the No More Mr. Nice guy mold...I simply chose wrong people OR simply trusted them. And what is there without trust? Absolutely nothing.

So life can many here can attest to, but I refuse to allow BS excuses, a serious lack of character, or some blame on alcohol. Sorry...I'm very adamant about commitment- even after 3 screwings:)

Dontworrybehappy posted 3/22/2019 09:38 AM

I get it. My husband never blamed the alcohol not once. And I respect that. He also took full responsibility and knows that it was him. He never even blamed the other person. That to me speaks volumes. I do think that we are all human and we all make mistakes.. I am not saying that what he did is ok either it really hurts. I am truly sorry about your situation and I think that we could all use trusting people in our life.

cocoplus5nuts posted 3/22/2019 10:18 AM

If you aren't comfortable with this woman, or your H's interactions with her, you most certainly can say no more hanging out with them. I would definitely have a talk about boundaries and what is and is not acceptable to you.

Dontworrybehappy posted 3/22/2019 11:05 AM

Oh no we are done with her. I am no longer going anywhere she is. For awhile I tried to be nice so yo say.. because mutual friends, but I am 37 and I donít care anymore I am done. My happiness is most important.

Do you guys think he cheated with the peck with everyone? Or itís more a boundary thing?

Hurtmyheart posted 3/22/2019 15:24 PM

I think it is a boundary issue leaning toward unfaithful behavior.

A couple years ago my WH and I went to an Alanon meeting and afterwards talked to a women whose son is on heroin. This women's second husband at the time was out on a hunting trip and obviously didn't care enough to support his wife and her concerns and fears of losing her son. She instead saw my WH as an opportunity for comfort and reached to him for a big, supportive bear hug and wrapped her arms around him tightly and smashed herself up against his chest. F that!

Needless to say, the rest of my evening and for the next several days were over shadowed by her inappropriate behavior toward my WH.

You don't like your H behavior. I think it is awful, rude, unacceptable and hurtful. You get to decide what your comfort zone is. Tell your H your boundries and you don't like it and he should then respect them. I think your H is and has been out of line and if the alcohol helps him to lower his inhibitions, then maybe he shouldn't be drinking?

How do you think your H would like it if you were kissing and hugging all over other men? I know for sure that my WH would freak out if it were me doing that.

Set your boundries and if your H chooses to continue on with this behavior then what are you going to do about it? You seem to be extremely disturbed over it and I would feel the same way.

I don't think it is acceptable, especially because it is hurting what should be the most important person in his life, you.

Shame on him.

I would take his inappropriate behavior seriously and nip it in the bud now before that kiss turns to something more. Maybe even get IC for the both of you then marriage counseling.

When my WH was drinking heavily, his wayward behavior got ugly. It started out by looking at other women and went on from there. I am still affected today by what he did against me and if he even remotely looks in the direction of another women, I get triggered. So sad. He is a good man today but the emotional damage still lingers, just as it is doing in your case.

Please take this seriously. Your H is not making you feel safe by his behaviors.

Glad you found this forum.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 3:38 PM, March 22nd (Friday)]

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2019 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy